Ex-MM finally divorced

[autumnnight]

Too bad he'll be all alone now....

 

He showed you who he was. And I doubt that has changed.

 

You talk about being horrible at picking men. It must be contagious. We "think" we are choosing someone "different," but they seem to just have the same fundamental flaw(s) in different surface permutations.

 

You deserve someone real and honest and all in.

[lgspot]

Hope,

This guy is textbook for "watch what they do---not what they say."

Married or not, good riddance...

 

Some times our "picker" is out of whack. Doesn't have to be a permanent condition. We just have to involve our head a bit more in our choices. There'll be a good one along before you know it.

Don't think he's a traffic cop in Illinois though.

 

A person knows their day has truly sucked when at the end of the day a speeding ticket isn't the worst thing that's happened....

 

Keep smiling leadfoot.

Edited June 18, 2015 by lgspot

[Grapesofwrath]

I'm sorry you have to endure a resurrection of this pain. This man is so completely clueless about the emotional devastation he has caused in your life. To me, it feels like he wants the door left open so he can feel good about himself. By "leaving the door open," he will feel absolved of his guilt about his daughter. He will feel like he is a good guy, caught up in a difficult situation. Instead of having to look in the mirror and see himself for who he really is.

 

Sometimes rituals can be powerful. I would suggest that you take this note and burn it. Make a ritual out of it. Burn it and watch the flames consume all feelings and memories of this person.

[Hope Shimmers]

Too bad he'll be all alone now....

 

He showed you who he was. And I doubt that has changed.

 

You talk about being horrible at picking men. It must be contagious. We "think" we are choosing someone "different," but they seem to just have the same fundamental flaw(s) in different surface permutations.

 

You deserve someone real and honest and all in.

 

Thank you autumnnight. Especially for that last line.

 

You are a very sensitive person, like me. You are also strong (yes, like me). You deserve someone real and honest and all in, too.

[Hope Shimmers]

I'm sorry you have to endure a resurrection of this pain. This man is so completely clueless about the emotional devastation he has caused in your life. To me, it feels like he wants the door left open so he can feel good about himself. By "leaving the door open," he will feel absolved of his guilt about his daughter. He will feel like he is a good guy, caught up in a difficult situation. Instead of having to look in the mirror and see himself for who he really is.

 

Sometimes rituals can be powerful. I would suggest that you take this note and burn it. Make a ritual out of it. Burn it and watch the flames consume all feelings and memories of this person.

 

It's funny you suggested that, because I burned it in the charcoal that I was heating up to grill dinner tonight

 

He is clueless about what he did to me; that is the thing that has always angered me the most. Sometimes I just feel like a huge ball of anger, you know?

[Hope Shimmers]

A person knows their day has truly sucked when at the end of the day a speeding ticket isn't the worst thing that's happened....

 

Classic! I need a bumper sticker of that!!!

 

Okay well, maybe not a bumper sticker....

 

I better get my game back on as far as getting out of speeding tickets (the last one I actually had to pay anything was in the 1990s) because tomorrow I'm going car shopping to trade my 4-door in for something a lot more fun and probably red. Way overdue on that - the kids are mostly grown and gone.

[CarrieT]

Hope, I am thrilled that you still thinks he is an a**hole.

 

Hold on to that thought when he shows up at your doorstep with roses - because he will.

 

He put you through WAY too much to consider a relationship with him.

[Quiet Storm]

Hope, I am thrilled that you still thinks he is an a**hole.

 

Hold on to that thought when he shows up at your doorstep with roses - because he will.

 

He put you through WAY too much to consider a relationship with him.

 

I agree. You know what he is capable of. Please don't forget that, Hope.

[whichwayisup]

If this has been answered already, ignore and I will go read all of your thread, but a few questions here.

 

Did he initiate the divorce first or did his wife file first? That makes a big difference.

 

Did he realize once he chose his wife over you, maybe he made a mistake and that's why now he's reaching out to you, in hopes that you'll take him back and start fresh? Is this something you'd consider if he proved to you he can be trustworthy?

 

I'm sure you're in shock as well as being pissed off that he thinks he may be able to just walk back into your life after everything that's been said and done.

 

Are you going to reply back to him or just ignore?

[whichwayisup]

Hope, I am thrilled that you still thinks he is an a**hole.

 

Hold on to that thought when he shows up at your doorstep with roses - because he will.

 

He put you through WAY too much to consider a relationship with him.

 

He's not worthy of you and you shouldn't be someone's second choice.

 

Glad to read that you have no intention of opening that door and letting him back in.

[kieraglass]

We have so much much in common, and i always read your posts. Always.

 

I believe that your MM, like mine, simply cannot handle what they left us to. Getting us pregnant, staying with the wife throughout it all, and then, when the baby came and died, leaving us to that awful night alone. That awful, bleak dark night.

 

I'm still with mine ten months after that night. He cannot handle what he did. It absolutely destroys him to think about it. I brought it up recently, the awful labor, the shrieking that went on and on and how they raced my baby, our baby, out alive and wriggling, and he nearly dissolved into tears. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed seeing him almost cry, and the emotional shut down that happened next.

 

We are their mirrors. And they don't like what they see one bit.

 

Mine, like yours, applauds my fierce strength, my toughness. He, like, yours, is full of crap and justifying. Oh, she's strong, see, and she didn't need me, it was fine what I did...

 

No. Inside, they know the truth. And it disturbs them. It shatters their ideas of themselves as good men, compassionate men. They know they're not. They know they're weak and selfish and cowardly and they know that what they did was unspeakable and unforgivable.

 

Mine tells me often that he is leaving soon, and that he will honor me and our dead son. He promises.

 

I laugh inside.

 

I spend time with him because I'm still so broken, so shattered, by what happened, by what he put me through. I lost my world and he was all that was left in the end. I stay because yes, I love him, and forgive him, to some extent, but also because I'm in no place to move on, to date, and I'm lonely, overwhelmed still. This is something I am working on. Self esteem.

 

I know, like you do of yours, that my mm is a more than likely a POS. That there are some definitive character flaws in him, some deep black holes. Fear guides him. Love guided me. We are so different than them. So much better.

 

I'm so glad you burned that note. So glad you feel strong. I'd give anything to feel the way you do, and yet, if you did open the door to him again, I think I may be one of the few on thus board who would understand.

 

Our babies meant everything. Our babies were the world. They were not inconveniences or bumps in the road-wth?- they were everything and we had the courage and love, such love, to try and bring them into this world despite the bright shame of our situations.

 

It's funny, how the worst thing I ever endured, that dark night delivering my son alone, his death...it was, to my MM, a hail mary pass.

 

The relief they must have felt when they died disgusts me. It's the river that flows between my MM and I now, and neither one of us swims.

 

I wish you such peace, Hope. I think of you often as I try so hard to heal.

[norudder]

We have so much much in common, and i always read your posts. Always.

 

I believe that your MM, like mine, simply cannot handle what they left us to. Getting us pregnant, staying with the wife throughout it all, and then, when the baby came and died, leaving us to that awful night alone. That awful, bleak dark night.

 

I'm still with mine ten months after that night. He cannot handle what he did. It absolutely destroys him to think about it. I brought it up recently, the awful labor, the shrieking that went on and on and how they raced my baby, our baby, out alive and wriggling, and he nearly dissolved into tears. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed seeing him almost cry, and the emotional shut down that happened next.

 

We are their mirrors. And they don't like what they see one bit.

 

Mine, like yours, applauds my fierce strength, my toughness. He, like, yours, is full of crap and justifying. Oh, she's strong, see, and she didn't need me, it was fine what I did...

 

No. Inside, they know the truth. And it disturbs them. It shatters their ideas of themselves as good men, compassionate men. They know they're not. They know they're weak and selfish and cowardly and they know that what they did was unspeakable and unforgivable.

 

Mine tells me often that he is leaving soon, and that he will honor me and our dead son. He promises.

 

I laugh inside.

 

I spend time with him because I'm still so broken, so shattered, by what happened, by what he put me through. I lost my world and he was all that was left in the end. I stay because yes, I love him, and forgive him, to some extent, but also because I'm in no place to move on, to date, and I'm lonely, overwhelmed still. This is something I am working on. Self esteem.

 

I know, like you do of yours, that my mm is a more than likely a POS. That there are some definitive character flaws in him, some deep black holes. Fear guides him. Love guided me. We are so different than them. So much better.

 

I'm so glad you burned that note. So glad you feel strong. I'd give anything to feel the way you do, and yet, if you did open the door to him again, I think I may be one of the few on thus board who would understand.

 

Our babies meant everything. Our babies were the world. They were not inconveniences or bumps in the road-wth?- they were everything and we had the courage and love, such love, to try and bring them into this world despite the bright shame of our situations.

 

It's funny, how the worst thing I ever endured, that dark night delivering my son alone, his death...it was, to my MM, a hail mary pass.

 

The relief they must have felt when they died disgusts me. It's the river that flows between my MM and I now, and neither one of us swims.

 

I wish you such peace, Hope. I think of you often as I try so hard to heal.

 

Wow, the humanity expressed here is indescribable.

[lookingforclosure]

I agree norudder

[OldRover]

.................

I have to wonder why it wasn't good enough before, but it is now. When he was going to lose me, it wasn't enough to do it, but now, for whatever reason, long after he did lose me, it was enough. That is what is in my mind now.

 

Hope,

 

You've got a ton of comments here, a bunch about what a bad guy he was, on and on.....

 

However, you're comment above says you still are looking for reasons about him.

 

Apparently, at one point, he was good enough to get involved with an affair, and I know you knew the risks and benefits of such, or have certainly learned.

 

We don't know what goes through a lot of folks mind with an affair, ending a marriage because, how they go into it, and how they got out of it. I'm not going to call him names, because I really don't know. He may have done some wrong, as you may have, too.

 

There's nothing wrong with forgive and forget... people can and do change.

 

However, sounds like you've clearly made up your choice... and you want no part of him. So TOTALLY block him from everything, including your thoughts. Don't worry about what he was thinking or what he meant to you, don't worry about ANYTHING about him. Don't even waste your time hating him. Ain't worth it if you're really done.

 

Sounds like you're a strong woman, and this post should be about getting on with your life, TOTALLY WITHOUT HIM..... and that means everything.

 

If he contacts you any way, take whatever steps are necessary to avoid that again... change numbers, etc. If it becomes harassment, take legal action, however, if it gets nasty, I'd have my lawyer write him a firm letter first. Hope it doesn't go that far for your sake. You obviously still have some emotion... kill it.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Hope Shimmers]

We have so much much in common, and i always read your posts. Always.

 

I believe that your MM, like mine, simply cannot handle what they left us to. Getting us pregnant, staying with the wife throughout it all, and then, when the baby came and died, leaving us to that awful night alone. That awful, bleak dark night.

 

I'm still with mine ten months after that night. He cannot handle what he did. It absolutely destroys him to think about it. I brought it up recently, the awful labor, the shrieking that went on and on and how they raced my baby, our baby, out alive and wriggling, and he nearly dissolved into tears. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed seeing him almost cry, and the emotional shut down that happened next.

 

We are their mirrors. And they don't like what they see one bit.

 

Mine, like yours, applauds my fierce strength, my toughness. He, like, yours, is full of crap and justifying. Oh, she's strong, see, and she didn't need me, it was fine what I did...

 

No. Inside, they know the truth. And it disturbs them. It shatters their ideas of themselves as good men, compassionate men. They know they're not. They know they're weak and selfish and cowardly and they know that what they did was unspeakable and unforgivable.

 

Mine tells me often that he is leaving soon, and that he will honor me and our dead son. He promises.

 

I laugh inside.

 

I spend time with him because I'm still so broken, so shattered, by what happened, by what he put me through. I lost my world and he was all that was left in the end. I stay because yes, I love him, and forgive him, to some extent, but also because I'm in no place to move on, to date, and I'm lonely, overwhelmed still. This is something I am working on. Self esteem.

 

I know, like you do of yours, that my mm is a more than likely a POS. That there are some definitive character flaws in him, some deep black holes. Fear guides him. Love guided me. We are so different than them. So much better.

 

I'm so glad you burned that note. So glad you feel strong. I'd give anything to feel the way you do, and yet, if you did open the door to him again, I think I may be one of the few on thus board who would understand.

 

Our babies meant everything. Our babies were the world. They were not inconveniences or bumps in the road-wth?- they were everything and we had the courage and love, such love, to try and bring them into this world despite the bright shame of our situations.

 

It's funny, how the worst thing I ever endured, that dark night delivering my son alone, his death...it was, to my MM, a hail mary pass.

 

The relief they must have felt when they died disgusts me. It's the river that flows between my MM and I now, and neither one of us swims.

 

I wish you such peace, Hope. I think of you often as I try so hard to heal.

 

Kiera, thank you. It has taken me all day to be able to respond to this. And still I want to cry.

 

Why do you stay with him? Is it because you are punishing yourself? Are you doing it for your son?

 

I can't be with him BECAUSE of my daughter. At one point after it happened I tried to get past the way I felt about him because, I reasoned, he was her father and my not doing everything to be with him would make her life mean even less. But I was wrong; it was the opposite - being with him, after what he did, disrespects her and is not good enough for her.

 

You say your MM looks at you and sees himself reflected, and doesn't like what he sees. That's just IT... I don't think mine sees ANYTHING. He doesn't see anything wrong. He paid lip service to how destroyed and sorry he was that he left us to go through that time alone, but what did that really MEAN? What is he "sorry" about? I think he's just sorry that he has to keep thinking about it and hearing about it when he would rather it just go away.

 

The ******* AUDACITY of this a**hole to even THINK he could weasel back in! WTF... after what he did?!? It is so disgustingly disrespectful that he would even try!!! Like all he has to do is send divorce papers and the horrible thing he did will go away!

 

And 'bump in the road'???? That is such an insult I am shaking. That's what he thinks this was? He has NO IDEA what I went through, how I felt, how he destroyed me. He has no idea what that day was like for me, and even worse, all the days after it. Even now I am broken. I am damaged, probably forever so because of this a**Hat!

 

To this day I still veer towards men who are unavailable. I am broken too much to even be able to trust someone enough to be with them one hundred percent. Is that why you are with your MM, Kiera, because you can't trust anyone who is truly available enough to make yourself that vulnerable?

 

This most recent relationship I had... he said to me something to the effect of "You get pissed at me when I can't give you what you said you don't even want". At the time I didn't understand what he meant; now I do. How f*cked up is that, from a broken person (me), how could that have ever worked when I didn't want ANYTHING and still wanted EVERYTHING.

 

I am so pissed. He has been calling every couple of days (ex-MM). Next time he calls I'm going to rip his head off.

Edited June 19, 2015 by Hope Shimmers

[whichwayisup]

 

 

I am so pissed. He has been calling every couple of days (ex-MM). Next time he calls I'm going to rip his head off.

 

I smell a big old F-U on the way. You should rip him a new one, then tell him to leave you the F alone and never to call you again.

 

Ego ahole probably thought you'd welcome him back with open arms with his D news.

[Southern Sun]

Kiera, thank you. It has taken me all day to be able to respond to this. And still I want to cry.

 

Why do you stay with him? Is it because you are punishing yourself? Are you doing it for your son?

 

I can't be with him BECAUSE of my daughter. At one point after it happened I tried to get past the way I felt about him because, I reasoned, he was her father and my not doing everything to be with him would make her life mean even less. But I was wrong; it was the opposite - being with him, after what he did, disrespects her and is not good enough for her.

 

You say your MM looks at you and sees himself reflected, and doesn't like what he sees. That's just IT... I don't think mine sees ANYTHING. He doesn't see anything wrong. He paid lip service to how destroyed and sorry he was that he left us to go through that time alone, but what did that really MEAN? What is he "sorry" about? I think he's just sorry that he has to keep thinking about it and hearing about it when he would rather it just go away.

 

The ******* AUDACITY of this a**hole to even THINK he could weasel back in! WTF... after what he did?!? It is so disgustingly disrespectful that he would even try!!! Like all he has to do is send divorce papers and the horrible thing he did will go away!

 

And 'bump in the road'???? That is such an insult I am shaking. That's what he thinks this was? He has NO IDEA what I went through, how I felt, how he destroyed me. He has no idea what that day was like for me, and even worse, all the days after it. Even now I am broken. I am damaged, probably forever so because of this a**Hat!

 

To this day I still veer towards men who are unavailable. I am broken too much to even be able to trust someone enough to be with them one hundred percent. Is that why you are with your MM, Kiera, because you can't trust anyone who is truly available enough to make yourself that vulnerable?

 

This most recent relationship I had... he said to me something to the effect of "You get pissed at me when I can't give you what you said you don't even want". At the time I didn't understand what he meant; now I do. How f*cked up is that, from a broken person (me), how could that have ever worked when I didn't want ANYTHING and still wanted EVERYTHING.

 

I am so pissed. He has been calling every couple of days (ex-MM). Next time he calls I'm going to rip his head off.

 

Thinking of you, Hope...

[lgspot]

Classic! I need a bumper sticker of that!!!

 

Okay well, maybe not a bumper sticker....

 

I better get my game back on as far as getting out of speeding tickets (the last one I actually had to pay anything was in the 1990s) because tomorrow I'm going car shopping to trade my 4-door in for something a lot more fun and probably red. Way overdue on that - the kids are mostly grown and gone.

 

On a lighter note Hope, did you find something sleek and Shimmering Red today?

You deserve it!!!

Just thinking, send the bill to exMM.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Kiera, thank you. It has taken me all day to be able to respond to this. And still I want to cry.

 

Why do you stay with him? Is it because you are punishing yourself? Are you doing it for your son?

 

I can't be with him BECAUSE of my daughter. At one point after it happened I tried to get past the way I felt about him because, I reasoned, he was her father and my not doing everything to be with him would make her life mean even less. But I was wrong; it was the opposite - being with him, after what he did, disrespects her and is not good enough for her.

 

You say your MM looks at you and sees himself reflected, and doesn't like what he sees. That's just IT... I don't think mine sees ANYTHING. He doesn't see anything wrong. He paid lip service to how destroyed and sorry he was that he left us to go through that time alone, but what did that really MEAN? What is he "sorry" about? I think he's just sorry that he has to keep thinking about it and hearing about it when he would rather it just go away.

 

The ******* AUDACITY of this a**hole to even THINK he could weasel back in! WTF... after what he did?!? It is so disgustingly disrespectful that he would even try!!! Like all he has to do is send divorce papers and the horrible thing he did will go away!

 

And 'bump in the road'???? That is such an insult I am shaking. That's what he thinks this was? He has NO IDEA what I went through, how I felt, how he destroyed me. He has no idea what that day was like for me, and even worse, all the days after it. Even now I am broken. I am damaged, probably forever so because of this a**Hat!

 

To this day I still veer towards men who are unavailable. I am broken too much to even be able to trust someone enough to be with them one hundred percent. Is that why you are with your MM, Kiera, because you can't trust anyone who is truly available enough to make yourself that vulnerable?

 

This most recent relationship I had... he said to me something to the effect of "You get pissed at me when I can't give you what you said you don't even want". At the time I didn't understand what he meant; now I do. How f*cked up is that, from a broken person (me), how could that have ever worked when I didn't want ANYTHING and still wanted EVERYTHING.

 

I am so pissed. He has been calling every couple of days (ex-MM). Next time he calls I'm going to rip his head off.

 

Great post, with the exception that you are damaged. It's your choice... Are you damaged or learned/ enlightened. Choose your path.., do not be his victim!

[Lois_Griffin]

I'm not quite sure why you're assuming he got divorced because of his past connection with you?

 

Maybe his wife just got tired of being with a schmuck and pulled the plug, so he's playing the "look at me - I'm divorced!" card with you.

 

He's still nothing more than a lying, cheating opportunist.

 

I'd throw his 'handwritten' note right in the garbage.

 

ETA: Since you haven't answered the several posters who have pointedly asked WHO initiated the divorce, I'm going to assume it was the wife. Yet just more proof of what a complete as*shole this loser is, and how he's trying to appear as though HE'S done something you wanted. What a joke.

Edited June 20, 2015 by Lois_Griffin

[finally43]

How the hell would Hope know WHO initiated the divorce? We know it wasn't Hope. It isn't her concern who did it. Did you not read her posts to see that she isn't involved with him anymore? Your implication that Hope is hiding something or deliberately not answering the "who initiated the divorce" question is rude and quite frankly, snarky.

 

Why not focus on Hope...the person who posted this thread, instead of focusing on who initiated a divorce in a marriage that Hope wasn't a part of??

 

Hope, glad you are moving forward with your life. He's the past...and a part of a very painful past. He doesn't get to invade your life now. All he needs to do is continue paying back the money he owes you and stay the hell out of your life.

[Mount]

Believe or not , based on the realization and predict of human nature, the exMM will have new GF soon or already had, just Hope shimmers does not know, that is all.

 

 

But as long as Hope shimmers does not care, it should not bother her.

[RoseVille]

I'm not quite sure why you're assuming he got divorced because of his past connection with you?

 

Maybe his wife just got tired of being with a schmuck and pulled the plug, so he's playing the "look at me - I'm divorced!" card with you.

 

He's still nothing more than a lying, cheating opportunist.

 

I'd throw his 'handwritten' note right in the garbage.

 

ETA: Since you haven't answered the several posters who have pointedly asked WHO initiated the divorce, I'm going to assume it was the wife. Yet just more proof of what a complete as*shole this loser is, and how he's trying to appear as though HE'S done something you wanted. What a joke.

 

I don't know if she's purposely avoiding the answer, but I would agree that given how much of a jacka$$ this guy is, and his history of creep-dom, there's a good chance she initiated it, and he's trying to use the D to make it look like he did the right thing.

 

Fact is, he either did it waaaaaay too late, or he got punted and he's swinging among his backup options to make sure he has a branch to hang on to.

 

He's a creep, and she's entirely justified to be infuriated and enraged. Good for her for being mentally done with him before he even popped back up!!

[RoseVille]

Hope, are you worried at all about him trying to seek custody/visitation?

[anika99]

How the hell would Hope know WHO initiated the divorce? We know it wasn't Hope. It isn't her concern who did it. Did you not read her posts to see that she isn't involved with him anymore? Your implication that Hope is hiding something or deliberately not answering the "who initiated the divorce" question is rude and quite frankly, snarky.

 

Why not focus on Hope...the person who posted this thread, instead of focusing on who initiated a divorce in a marriage that Hope wasn't a part of??

 

Hope, glad you are moving forward with your life. He's the past...and a part of a very painful past. He doesn't get to invade your life now. All he needs to do is continue paying back the money he owes you and stay the hell out of your life.

 

Well to be fair, Hope did say early in thread that the MM began calling her several months ago and that sometimes she takes his calls (much to my bewilderment) so maybe she does know who initiated the divorce, although I have a feeling her MM will tell her he initiated the divorce because he wanted to be with her. I also have a feeling that would be bullcrap.