how to be more of a fun person

[aaandy]

I`m new to the boards, so if you look at my other posts you`ll get a better explanation of my background. Otherwise this would be very long.

 

 

I seemed to have always been antisocial, quiet, and not able to easily express emotion. I haven`t had many close bonds with friends or family over they years. I know it comes from my past, but I need advice on how to change myself.

 

 

The situation I`m in right now is, I`m with my girlfriend of 8 years. It hasn`t been great because of me and the way I am, not that she hasn`t been fed up and frustrated with my lack of change, but is now getting to the point where if I don`t straighten myself out, its going to be over soon.

 

We live together and work from home together. Our small business has been growing over the years and we have been busier and busier. While we`re out in our shop, I always end up on focusing on work, getting stuff done, out the door and shipped out. Because I end up being quiet, and no fun, she feels like she is in jail while we`re working. And now lacks any desire to even go out to the shop. Also it just isn`t while we`re at work, I in general am not a fun, outgoing person in general, but do want to be.

 

 

I do understand where she is coming from, and its not that I don`t want to change for her. I just don`t know where to start.

 

 

Any advice or ideas would be appreciated.

 

If any more information on me is needed, just let me know. Thanks.

[amaysngrace]

You can't rag on someone for not being fun because what fun is being a rag?

[aaandy]

I don`t see it as her being a rag, and actually agree with her feelings.

 

 

This is just one of the things going n that isn`t good for our relationship, that I want to fix.

 

 

I didn`t list alot of other issues I bring to our relationship, because it would be one long messy thread, so I`m trying to break them up into pieces and post in relevant sections.

 

Some info on me: I had no closeness with my family as a child, never had close true friends, had a serious 13 year drug addiction, and mainly worked jobs that had limited contact with people. I`m antisocial, quiet, and don`t express emotions easily. I do want to change many things about myself, but get lost and feel like I don`t know where to start. And feel I don`t even know how. I do see how other people live and have relationships, but have no idea how to get to those places.

[amaysngrace]

I don`t see it as her being a rag, and actually agree with her feelings.

 

 

This is just one of the things going n that isn`t good for our relationship, that I want to fix.

 

 

I didn`t list alot of other issues I bring to our relationship, because it would be one long messy thread, so I`m trying to break them up into pieces and post in relevant sections.

 

Some info on me: I had no closeness with my family as a child, never had close true friends, had a serious 13 year drug addiction, and mainly worked jobs that had limited contact with people. I`m antisocial, quiet, and don`t express emotions easily. I do want to change many things about myself, but get lost and feel like I don`t know where to start. And feel I don`t even know how. I do see how other people live and have relationships, but have no idea how to get to those places.

 

You should turn your internal dialogue around. Instead of trashing yourself for not being close to many people or not being overly sociable maybe try to appreciate those things because they make you a stronger person. You have relied mostly on yourself and you said you're succeeding in business primarily on your own. These are things you should be proud of.

 

You need to like who you are since you're the one who spends the most time with you.

 

If she says you're not fun ask her what she wants to do for fun this weekend then go take her but personally I think she's the one with the problem for making you doubt yourself and want to change for her.

 

You seem to be doing okay to me.

[regine_phalange]

I had broken up with a boyfriend because I was terribly bored. After some point he never wanted to do anything together, apart from staying home and cooking and watching movies together or going for a walk. The reason I broke up with him was not that he didn't organise anything, it was because he said "no" when I was recommending something else, even a cup of coffee somewhere new! He wasn't hiding me or something, he just wasn't used to it. His friends also had to drag him in their gatherings. He was a great man otherwise, but this I couldn't handle.

 

So I agree with amay, talk to her and ask her what she wants to do. And when you do it, just don't be grumpy. It's going to be fine

[regine_phalange]

Also don't label your self as boring and antisocial. It's not fair to say so.

 

I have another idea. Before discussing with her what she wants, you could organise some small romantic evening for the two of you. One day while you're at work, tell her "go change clothes, and meet me at X place at X o clock.". I'm sure there's something romantic in your area, right? You could also get her a flower before meeting. When she comes sit to eat, and talk only about nice things... You don't have to be "fun", just share nice things with her... Ask her many questions about nice things also.. And then ask her what kind of experience she wants to have with you that you havent had together. Sometimes us women feel taken for granted, and this kind of thing reminds us of your love.

[SpiralOut]

What exactly are you doing that she thinks isn't fun?

 

 

I've been told that I'm too serious, and I think it's true at times. But my bf makes stupid jokes that make me laugh, and we go out together to do fun things. One of my close friends is pretty quiet and serious but when she is around her more outgoing and crazy friends she opens up and jokes around. So there is nothing wrong with being a serious person. It just means that certain people can influence our fun side more easily than others. Your girlfriend should have accepted you from the very start instead of expecting you to change. Maybe she is frustrated that she can't bring out your playful side. But that's not something that is your fault. You are who you are.

Edited June 19, 2015 by SpiralOut

[aaandy]

You have relied mostly on yourself and you said you're succeeding in business primarily on your own. These are things you should be proud of.

 

 

I feel the need for a little clarification here. I didn`t mean to imply that I do all the work, or that the business succeeded because of me. It`s actually quite the opposite, the business is successful mainly because of her. She is a very hard worker, she`s motivated, driven, creative and always tries to bring good things to our business.

 

She had a prior careers in environments where being happy, social, and fun - while getting work done, was part of the job description. She worked around the general public and alot of kids too. I on the other hand came from a career as a heavy truck mechanic, where i was mostly in cave or dungeon like environments, with usually only a small handful of co-workers, each doing their own thing and they generally weren`t the most happy people either.

 

 

You seem to be doing okay to me.

 

 

She`s been tired of just work, work, work all the time. We haven`t had a vacation in years, combine that with the way I've been, she`s ready to walk away from it all and leave. She is a Huge part of our business, and because of that fact, the business would not continue if she left. So no, I`m not doing okay.

[aaandy]

I had broken up with a boyfriend because I was terribly bored. After some point he never wanted to do anything together, apart from staying home and cooking and watching movies together or going for a walk. The reason I broke up with him was not that he didn't organise anything, it was because he said "no" when I was recommending something else, even a cup of coffee somewhere new! He wasn't hiding me or something, he just wasn't used to it. His friends also had to drag him in their gatherings. He was a great man otherwise, but this I couldn't handle.

 

So I agree with amay, talk to her and ask her what she wants to do. And when you do it, just don't be grumpy. It's going to be fine

 

 

Thank you for your replies. You did make me realize a few things. One, it`s not really a fear of rejection, but if I think of asking her to go for a walk on the beach or something similar, I just get the feeling that she`s not into it. So my approach ends up lackluster, with no enthusiasm. And she says no.

 

 

Which leads me to two. I end up giving up easy. So I realize that I could be putting in alot more thought and effort into things.

 

This does help motivate me a little for night and weekend free time, but I`m still struggling as to what to be doing during the workday. She`s to the point of walking away form the business. And the business won`t exist without her. She feels like I`m trying to keep her trapped in loneliness and isolation.

[aaandy]

What exactly are you doing that she thinks isn't fun?

 

 

I've been told that I'm too serious, and I think it's true at times. But my bf makes stupid jokes that make me laugh, and we go out together to do fun things. One of my close friends is pretty quiet and serious but when she is around her more outgoing and crazy friends she opens up and jokes around. So there is nothing wrong with being a serious person. It just means that certain people can influence our fun side more easily than others. Your girlfriend should have accepted you from the very start instead of expecting you to change. Maybe she is frustrated that she can't bring out your playful side. But that's not something that is your fault. You are who you are.

 

 

I feel like an idiot typing this out, but thats just it, I`m doing nothing to bring anything good to the table.

 

 

When we got together I was cleaning myself up from an approx. 13 year drug addiction. I thought I was doing the best I had been for a very long time. I thought I was ready to go into a relationship, but I ended up giving her a false impression of myself.

 

 

Some of the impressions I gave about myself were very exaggerated, some were flat out lies (told her I got together fun camping trips with friends, told her I had a great time going to Utah with friends ripping up dunes on quads, made myself out to be fun and outgoing). I just bumped into the best thing to happen to me in my whole life. I had a false confidence in myself that I was on the right track with my life, so I ended up making myself out to be someone who I was really not.

 

 

Over the years, I never dealt with the wake up calls I was getting, and have just ended up being more and more withdrawn over the years.

 

 

My girlfriend put in alot of effort in to bring out my fun side, but I know I ran that tank of fuel empty some time ago. I don`t feel that she should have to be the one to put in all the effort either. I just feel so far from it that I get clueless and don`t know where to even start. A great example of what I have done is last year she was trying to teach me to swim in our brand new pool and I told her I wanted to learn on my own and just left her standing there while I was by myself.

[Gloria25]

Ok, for one, it is difficult for a couple to work together cuz they somehow expect to treat each other like husband/wife instead of co-workers and/or boss/subordinate....

 

Then, if they actually treat each other like co-workers and/or boss/subordinate...interactions and/or stress from work (like any other job) flow into the marriage and problem is, at a normal job you can clock out and go home to your SO's loving embrace to rrelax, chill, and unwind...BUT, in your situation, since work "is" home, who can you run to and just forget about what happened on the job?

 

Look, if you are a homebody, boring, etc - then that's you. Maybe you need to find someone who shares the same ways. Cuz sounds like you're going out of your way to be something you're not - just to engage her? Worst, you have no clue as to what her likes are (ie jogging, playing cards, walking with a dog) cuz you two never dated...you two just shacked up and are trying to make a relationship while living under the roof with a complete stranger.

 

Look, IMO, and from reading your other threads, one of you needs to move out and seek your recovery w/o depending on the other. When people are in recovery, they are essentially re-learning life and catching up on life cuz they are coming out from a foggy haze. So, we do not know "what" makes her and/or you not boring and/or if you two are simply boring people.

 

Look into hobbies, meet-ups, volunteering. Hopefully if you two do it alone and/or together, you can figure out what you two may like and continue to pursue that particular activity.

 

But seriously, you're doing it all wrong. If you two weren't shacking up and actually "dated", you'd done figure out what her likes are and/or if she's just a bore.

 

Also, where is she in all of this? Just like your other posts, seems like she has no life, no interests...nothing and you're the one trying to breathe some "life" into this RL. Relationships go both ways...both parties are supposed to be putting effort into it. Maybe you are a more social/active person than she is and cuz of that fact alone - you two probably aren't a match... but I'm sure you're gonna be reluctant to call this quits cuz you two have shacked up and comingled finances and stuff.

[SpiralOut]

I don't say this to very many people, but I'll say it to you. I don't think your girlfriend is good for you. While she might be a good person, she doesn't make you feel good about yourself.

 

 

 

 

If you want to change I say go for it, but do it for yourself not her. Get to know yourself. Find out what interests you, what you feel passionate about, and do it. When you do what you love people will see that and be drawn to you.

[LuckyLady13]

aaandy, it sounds like you have a problem with isolating yourself and it takes two to tango. You can't isolate yourself and have a relationship with anyone except yourself.

 

You said you made yourself out to be fun and outgoing but is your girlfriend? What is her part in this exactly?

[aaandy]

Ok, for one, it is difficult for a couple to work together cuz they somehow expect to treat each other like husband/wife instead of co-workers and/or boss/subordinate....

 

Then, if they actually treat each other like co-workers and/or boss/subordinate...interactions and/or stress from work (like any other job) flow into the marriage and problem is, at a normal job you can clock out and go home to your SO's loving embrace to rrelax, chill, and unwind...BUT, in your situation, since work "is" home, who can you run to and just forget about what happened on the job?

 

Look, if you are a homebody, boring, etc - then that's you. Maybe you need to find someone who shares the same ways. Cuz sounds like you're going out of your way to be something you're not - just to engage her? Worst, you have no clue as to what her likes are (ie jogging, playing cards, walking with a dog) cuz you two never dated...you two just shacked up and are trying to make a relationship while living under the roof with a complete stranger.

 

Look, IMO, and from reading your other threads, one of you needs to move out and seek your recovery w/o depending on the other. When people are in recovery, they are essentially re-learning life and catching up on life cuz they are coming out from a foggy haze. So, we do not know "what" makes her and/or you not boring and/or if you two are simply boring people.

 

Look into hobbies, meet-ups, volunteering. Hopefully if you two do it alone and/or together, you can figure out what you two may like and continue to pursue that particular activity.

 

But seriously, you're doing it all wrong. If you two weren't shacking up and actually "dated", you'd done figure out what her likes are and/or if she's just a bore.

 

Also, where is she in all of this? Just like your other posts, seems like she has no life, no interests...nothing and you're the one trying to breathe some "life" into this RL. Relationships go both ways...both parties are supposed to be putting effort into it. Maybe you are a more social/active person than she is and cuz of that fact alone - you two probably aren't a match... but I'm sure you're gonna be reluctant to call this quits cuz you two have shacked up and comingled finances and stuff.

 

 

Working and having a life together can be difficult. Any stress about it, it comes from me. I don`t think the stress I bring would be much of an issue if things were more fun and happy for her while we`re working.

 

I`m starting to realize that maybe... possibly... if things in our life outside of work were better between us, that maybe work being dull wouldn`t be as big of an issue. But I don`t want to be naive and think if I get one area back on track, the other will just fall into place.

 

 

Maybe I am boring, but that doesn`t mean I want to be. I don`t feel I`m going out of my way, its just that I let it get to a 'Do or Die' point, without changing. I don`t want to change just to solely make her happy. I know I would benefit from it too. If things eneded between us I know how I would end up... alone and in a hole that I would never pull myself out of.

 

 

Maybe it is up to interpretation, but I don`t feel either one of us is in 'Recovery'. She has been clean for 12 years now and I for about 6.

I feel that I have been out of 'the fog' for years now, but no, I didn`t learn how to live again. This is why I`m trying to figure it out now. Hopefully its not too late. She was already out of her fog before we got together and has her head on straight. From day one she was focused, and knew what she wanted out of life, while I just kinda went for the ride (which I know is unfair to her).

 

 

She has put alot of time, effort and patience in to this, as I said before... I basically just drained her tank of gas. That tank did last years, but there doesn`t seem to be a drop left. It wouldn`t be right of to ask for more effort from her, when I was the one screwing things up for so long. She`s fed up with my lack of changing. Tired of giving me second chances to change things for the better.

 

 

 

She is the more social one of the two of us. I have no friends right now, while she has a few that were carefully selected to be close, and has had good friendships with them for years. She's funny, all of her friendships have lasted 10 years and one over 20 years and they have great times. I don't know how to be social like they are. Her friends make her laugh all the time and she goes out of her way to joke with them and share things.

[lil hoodlum]

Can't you just tickle her so hard until she pees in her pants?

 

Seriously or not seriously, life can't be just all about work. Put work off for a bit everyday and just enjoy life together.

 

 

I am thinking she is feeling disconnected from you. Maybe you can surprise her by writing little love notes for her to find just telling her how wonderful she is, sexy, or beautiful she is to you.

 

 

Maybe try being a little vulnerable with her and tell her a funny or embarassing moment in your life. You know like the time you and your friends went dumpster diving one night or something like that.

Edited June 19, 2015 by lil hoodlum

[Amy3]

Hi aaandy, everyone, thanks for sharing your story aaandy. Sounds like you're in a situation that'd challenge many couples... working together. I wonder if there's any opportunity to switch the dynamics up a little? It sounds like the business is going really well. So for example, might there be a way to introduce another person into the team? Or to switch up your roles so you aren't spending quite as much time together? I wanted to share this with you because putting myself into your situation, my partner and I would be fighting like cats and dogs if we worked and lived together! We love each other, don't get me wrong... but too much time in each other's faces would do our heads in! They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, and I agree with this. A bit of time apart means time together is cherished and looked forward to.

 

Oh and Lil Hooodlum? I like your suggestion about putting yourself out there and trying new things. Nice.

 

Anyway, all the best with things and I'd be interested to hear how you get on.

[aaandy]

Hi aaandy, everyone, thanks for sharing your story aaandy. Sounds like you're in a situation that'd challenge many couples... working together. I wonder if there's any opportunity to switch the dynamics up a little? It sounds like the business is going really well. So for example, might there be a way to introduce another person into the team? Or to switch up your roles so you aren't spending quite as much time together? I wanted to share this with you because putting myself into your situation, my partner and I would be fighting like cats and dogs if we worked and lived together! We love each other, don't get me wrong... but too much time in each other's faces would do our heads in! They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, and I agree with this. A bit of time apart means time together is cherished and looked forward to.

 

Oh and Lil Hooodlum? I like your suggestion about putting yourself out there and trying new things. Nice.

 

Anyway, all the best with things and I'd be interested to hear how you get on.

 

Thank you for your reply.

 

 

She did bring up the idea of hiring some help. I did agree that it would be nice to free up some time for us to work on some creative/fun aspects of our business together. Right now we just can`t afford to hire someone on.

 

 

We have created a little niche for ourselves, and we each have a role that we play in our work. Even to break things up it might be nice to switch, but without going into alot of job details, I cannot do her part in our work (but she can easily handle mine). I definitely want to find a way to switch things up and I will give that some thought to see if something can be figured out.

 

For a while now things have been just a daily grind, and I`m finally realizing that it has not been effecting only her, I think it has been wearing on me too.

 

 

I have been taking notes on all of the advice I`ve received so far and do plan to make some changes, and in the least I`m going to be less stressed about stuff, until I figure things out.

 

Thanks again everyone, and I'm open to more comments.