He said lets get married, and now he saying I don't yet!

[jazzed]

Hi, I hope someone can help me. I have been dating the same great guy for two years. We are very much in love, and things only seem to get better, everyone is always telling us what a great couple we are. We have been through hell to get here.

 

He has two kids, and his son had a lot of problems when we got together, flunking out of school, stealing etc. but now with a lot of love and patience he is getting A's and B's, he has really turned his life

around. We have also had to deal with chronic illness that my daughter developed about six months into our relationship.

 

My kids were not very happy to have two more kids and man in our lives, so we have taken things pretty slow. His kids fell in love me almost instantly. But we are very different. He works a lot and used to have a lot of rules, kind of an old school parent, where I was more laid back. My kids resisted his kids welcomed the difference, over time we have found a happy medium, and the kids have adjusted.

 

We did take a short break around Nov. of last year, because I felt he was not making an effort to form a relationship with my kids, and he kept saying this is the way I am and that's the way I am going to be. We tried dating and working on the changes and were able to work through some of the problems. Part of them were me too, because I was not supporting him when he disciplined the kids. We also decided that we would move in together this summer and plan to get married the following year. I was thrilled.

 

We have some things that needed to get done at both houses to make the possible, and at first he was all about getting them done, but over the last few months there has been no progress. I have begun to plan our wedding, even though he hasn't bought my ring yet, (he wanted to wait until we have more money).

 

He would occasionally say I don't know why we have to plan a year in advance, but we all know why. Than the other day, I find out that he just told his family and when he was telling me he told them he said I told my sister we are "probably" getting married next year. I knew then that this is not a man that was ready to marry me.

 

I asked him why he was just telling his family and why he used the word probably and he tried to stammer out of it but eventually said he felt like I was pushing him, that I thought he was going to move in the day school was out and the whole wedding thing. I was pretty upset and crying. The next day we talked and after an hour or so he finally came up with I just want to get the ring and ask you when I am ready and not feel like you are controlling me.

 

I am not a controlling person, he was the one who wanted to move in, he brought up marriage. I feel like now that the time has come, he no longer wants to take the next step. I am hurt, humiliated, and now even angry. He doesn't understand why I feel this way, he said he thought I would just calmly say OK like always and let it go. I said well I guess you can control what day you move in, what day we decide to get married and when, but you can't control the fact that this has hurt me. He is now angry with me. I know it's better to know now, but I really believe he loves me. Help, anybody have any ideas, what is going on, does he love, or does he want our?

[SadAndLonely]

It could be cold feet. The fact that you've begun to plan the wedding before he's even gotten the ring is probably freaking him out a little. Other than backing off a bit and seeing what happens, I don't know what to tell you.

 

I will say, however, that it's refreshing to see someone who obviously values her children. I see too many posts where there are kids involved, but the poster only cares about the person they're having a romantic relationship with.

[jazzed]

I hope you're right, that it is just cold feet. The problem that I am having is that it is not just the wedding he is having cold feet about, we were planning on moving in together this June and now he saying by the end of summer he will be moved in, because he doesn't want to leave his house empty. Our plan was to rent out his house, but of course we can't rent it while he is in it. I am so hurt by this, I have told my friends they have been involved in the planning, in fact he has even toured a few venues. I feel myself putting up a wall between us, I have been hurt many times in the past, and have always been able to keep the past the past where it belongs in the past, but this is breaking my heart.

[RecordProducer]

And which freaken rule gives the man the right to control the situation and decide on when and whether he is going to propose?

My BF has been pulling my nose for 7 months (we're in a long-distance relationship), he insisted on getting close to my kids (they got very attached to him), their relationship with their father is ruined (my ex was jealous and we fought a lot after being friends for more than a year). He was saying to me things like "we should decide on some important decision, as we say sh*t or get off the pot!" He said that a few times. He was talking about us living together every day. He said I was the love of his life, he wants to be with me forever.

I'm so tired of missing him and I thought why wait a few months before he proposes me, let's fasten the whole thing. So I asked him if he wanted to marry me. For 7 months he showered me with attention, love, and various statements about our future together. Indeed, he only visited me 3 times, but the fact is, we can only see each other once in a few months for a week or get married or break up. There's no option #4. And given how much in love we supposedly both are and that we both think we met the love of our lives, we could start living together.

So he said OK and then changed his mind and said I was pushing him. We fought in the last few days and this morning he sent me this story (it's supposed to be fun) that goes like this:

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?"

She said, "No."

And the guy lived happily ever after.

I took it as a message that he wants to live happily alone and send him a goodbye letter. Nothing else, just "goodbye forever, ____(his name)"

He calls me today, we fight and I say "Goodbye!"

Hopefully he will miss me and the only way for him to have me back is to propose to me and make plans about our wedding so that we can be together as soon as possible.

I know he will try to break me with NC, but I will use the same method. After all, what I want is constructive - let's start living together or get off the pot. It's not like we're going to get to know each other any better if we meet a few more times for a week. How long should I wait? Why does the time we wasted have to reach the unbearable point so that our "ultimatum" is justified?!

If he is so in love and so sure I am wonderful and wants to be with me forever, where do these doubts come from now? If he weren't sure, he shouldn't have bullsh*tted about us being together forever and involved the kids (that's the part that hurts me most).

I can't continue like this for months just to find out that he was playing games with me. In my opinion, if he truly loves me, he can't be able to live without me. Love is such that it makes us find excuses for being together, not search for excuses to NOT be together. The fact is, we are not together as long as the ocean stands between us.

I feel single. I sleep alone. I see no one but his face on webcam every night. I am tired of typing and doing voice with him. I want the real thing. I want to wake up next to him.

We'll see how he bears NC. If he doesn't want me now, he will never want me.