I'm so lost, She want to leave

[broken1]

I'm so lost and dont' know what to do next.

Here is my story: (I'm going to try to keep this short - but I have alot in my head)

 

I've been married for 11 months now, we have been together for 7 years, we have no kids. I'll be 30 this year and She'll turn 33.

We bought a house 2 years ago.

I love and adore my wife very much.

I thought things were going along normally

 

Monday she tells me she wants to put the house on the market and she wants to move back to Florida where she grew up. (she has no family there anymore). This has been a sore subject for us for a while.

Because of other stresses she has been under recently, I give her a hug and let her cry(I wanted to be patient because she hasn't been feeling well) . We dont discuss anything. She sits down and eats some food.

Then she asks if I want anything from the store and leaves.

The selling the house comment brews with me, and I had been home all day, so I go for a drive.

Shes asleep in bed by the time I get home.

I didn't sleep well, only a couple of hours. I get up at 5 and leave for work.

 

Tuesday I get home from work and I find her wedding ring sitting on the table.

I wait for her to come home. When she comes home, I ask her whats going on. And here is where it starts.

She tells me she wants to leave and go to Florida. I ask "without me" and she says yes.

I lose it. I'm on the floor crying like I've never cryed before.

I keep asking "why" and "whats going on". I'm histeriacle. I ask her if she loves me. She says she alway will.

It was a very broken up conversation. With me crying and asking why.

She keeps insisting I need to calm down and that I was scaring her. I tell her I'm not going to hurt either of us.

She said she thought I didn't care by the way I acted Mon night. I tell her how much I love her and explain I was trying to be patient and strong for her.

She leaves most of my questions unanswered, telling me she can't tell me or it will make things worse.

The little bits I do get, is that shes been evaluating her life and this isn't what she wanted. The house in the suburbs and the professional life. She asks me if I know what she wants to be. I say "freespirit" and she agrees.

She tells me she wants to live in FL, She wants to sell everything and get outta debts. That she'll go to FL and she''d be happy with whatever happens, even if its working at the mall and having no money. She says she wants to do things like travel Europe and do art like she used to.

She tells me to calm down, and then leaves and goes to the tanning bed to get out of the house (sorry I'm leaving so much out)

 

She spends the night in the other bedroom.

I go to bed. I finally fall asleep. I have some bad dreams that she left me, I wake up and remember what happened the previous night. I'm back to crying uncontrollably again while getting ready for work. Just cry in the shower, while I'm getting ready. I just couldn't stop crying. She comes into the bedroom (the bathroom doesn't have a door its open to the bedroom) she says she has to shower and get to a court date for a speeding ticket. She gets undressed in front of me and gets into the shower.

I'm still crying and at this point now I'm afraid to talk to her. I say a few things and she suggests I take the day off work. I say it would be better I go to work. I say by and go to work.

 

She calls me after court and asks if Im doing better, I say no. And she tells me how court went and we end the conversation. She calls me again to check on me. And emails me and tells me to talk to someone tues night because she was going to stay out late and she didn't want me home alone.

I email her back saying, I'm so lost, I need for her and I to talk someone with a "neutral" position. I mean a counsolor, but I'm stepping around it so I don't upset her.

 

Tues night I go to my parents. I tell them all of what I've said in here and more. And they say it seems like shes almost going thru a mid life crisis. They do a good job of calming me down. They added Hope to my thoughts.

I get home about 10:30. She not home. I wait till 11:30 and I call - I get the voice mail. She calls back at 12:30 and says shes out, shes going to get something to eat and come home. Again she asks me how I am. I tell her I'm not well. (Her mom is going in for surgury on Fri. She already had plans to drive to her mothers, 6 hours away, with her brother on Thrusday) so she tells me that she'll go into work and then leave for MN after that. I fall asleep about 1:30 and I never hear he come home and she sleeps in the other room

 

I wake up Weds - again I realize she wants to leave me and I'm cry uncontrollable again. I get ready for work. But she never comes out of the other room. I leave and go to work. I don't hear from her. I go to work. I don't hear from her. I'm checking my email and any phone call coming in I'm wishing its her. Its not.

I talk to a friend. They tell me about one of their friends who had marital probs and sought help. The first person these people saw they didn't like, and things didn't get better. So they saw someone else and they were happy with this counselor. I got the # for the place. I called to see what they have going on.

I leave work and I'm afraid. Its I want to call her but I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'm going to make things worse.

I talk to her and she on the road with her brother. She told me in the email from the other day that she was going to talk with her brother, so I ask if she has. She said no. She tells me that I sound better. I tell her I'm not and I lose it again. I'm in my car crying telling her I'm so lost and scared. I tell her I called a counselor and ask if she will go with me if I make the appointment. She says she will, but its only to help me get better.

We end the conversation and I continue to cry. I take from what she says that she doesn't want to work things out, but she cares about me being emotionally stable. That Hope that my parents gave me is now gone again. and I'm so scared.

So many thing don't make sence to me. She doesn't have any close friends. I don't know that she is talking to anyone about her feelings. I know my hope is that if we talk to with a professional that maybe things will open up. But I don't know. I have a constant fear of her getting mad and not talking to me at all.

The counselor is off this next week. I fear lingering for the week before we can get in. My wife is gone all weekend.

 

I don't know what to do.

Do I give her space?

Do I try and communicate with her?

I'm so afraid. I love her so much. I want to do whatever I can to save us.

I just don't know what to do. I can't stop crying thinking about all this.

[Merin]

Damn...

 

Your Wife seems to be pretty removed from all of this emotionally...

 

Has she always gone out late and without you?

 

When she told you that giving you her reason for wanting out of the marriage would only make things worse.. I guess that coupled with her going out and not letting you know where she'll be or when she might be home would make me question if she was having an affair.. I'm sorry.

 

Honestly if this was me in this place I wouldn't take "Not now" or "Later" for when the 2 of you can discuss whats up...

 

I think you need to stop walking on eggshells here with her out of fear of making her angry... or loosing her... DEMAND that she give you some answers.. this isn't okay

 

Ask direct questions.... ask her if she's been seeing someone else...

 

I really hope this works out for you the way you want it too... but don't let her walk on you.

 

Good Luck

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by Merin

... but don't let her walk on you.

 

Take it from me, this is advice you should really listen to.

[broken1]

She hasn't always gone out late without me.

Up until this past week, we have spent most of our time together.

If we went out, it was together with mutual friends.

If I remember right, I did ask if there was someone else. I eluded to it someway and she denied it.

This was one of my first thoughts too.

Unless she has somehow gotten close with someone at her new job within the past month....

I just don't think that is that case.

 

Really the only explanation I have gotten from her is that she is living a life she doesn't want.

In one of our discussion, She was listing things she thinks I want out of life that she doesn't.

Ex. Kids, Traveling, Possessions.

She doesn't want kids. As time goes on, either do I. I didn't want to change the life that I have. I have never pushed the topic, but have said in the past that Kids were one of those things that I thought I should have but I have told her that the thought scares me.

 

I have left out a bunch, when I was typing earlier it was difficult to not put in all the details.

 

She has significant childhood issues that I know arn't resolved. Her father had left the family when she was young. Her mother had he when she was young. From what I understand, there was significant mental abuse from her mother growing up. She resents her father. I met the man once. He happened to show up at a bar that we went to when we visited her grandmother (mothers side). She didn't even recognize him. And the interaction was like she didn't know who he was. I think she is used to running from her emotions instead of dealing with them. I don't think she seen, growing up, how others deal with conflict.

And while I'm anaylsing her, I have to add in my issues to be fair. My mother was the strength in the family. My father would back down to her in arguments. But at the sametime quietly stand his ground. So I know I will back down to women in my life, to a certain extent. But I will debate the issues searching for a practicle reason

 

In my head, I feel she is trying to run back to the life she had when she was 18. A carefree life where you ditch school or work and head off to the beach to escape everything and lay out in the sun and party it up when the sun goes down.

So now, where we are carrying a debt load from the wedding we had, the home we bought, the lexus we got for her - the excitment of planning the wedding and then having the wedding is gone. And while we are working on paying down the debt, there hasn't been any excitment to look forward too. We arn't planning vacations cuz the money isn't there.

I know I feel this way. Its like at work after the holiday season. There isn't vacation time to look forward to for a few months.

 

I had the feelings of not being accomplished a while back. I look at where I am in my life. I wake up, go to work, come home, we make dinner, watch TV and go to sleep.

 

I used to be a guitarist in a small touring rock band. I had dreams of making enough money with music to have at least a middleclass life. And now I'm in IT. I'm a computer nerd. Living in the midwest.

 

 

I guess I'm looking for opinions on:

Should I give her space for a bit?

Do I confront her? Do I approach her with compassion?

 

Do I show her that I'm OK without her, or as the situation is?

 

Mentally I'm a reck. Its all I can do to hold my composure all day. When I finally get in my car I sob?

I'll be fine for a bit and then break out into tears.

 

I'm afraid of her. I'm afraid of her leaving because I said the wrong thing.

I'm not always the best with words.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Well, as much as it does sound like another man in some ways, if she is really, truly serious about moving to FL, I kind of doubt it is someone else (unless it is long distance, and the someone else is in Florida).

 

I think you really NEED to have a talk with your wife. A real talk (in person, not over the phone).

 

Before you do that though, you need to ask yourself some questions, and find answers to those questions (for you). Would you be willing to chuck everything and go live like a hippie WITH her, to save the marriage? Do you love her that much? Is there an in-between scenario, where maybe you could still actually have a good job, and make good money, but move with her, and stay together, and let her do her art thing? I know it isn't fair to you (she may feel that way too, which may be why she was going to just leave without you), but you have to ask yourself just what you are willing to do for this woman. When did this major change occur? Was she really "into you" before this change happened? When was the last time she made you feel truly loved?

 

I will say, that her level of emotional detachment and "I've made up my mind" attitude does suggest that she has put a lot of thought into this decision she has apparently made. She has also done that completely and totally without you or your input, which in the context of a marriage, unless she was afraid of you or something (and you have said nothing to suggest that is the case here) is very self-centered and unfair of her. Also, when people do think so hard about those sort of things, usually there is someone they are running it by - a sounding board. Any idea who that may be? Perhaps someone she was having drinks with the night she went out without her wedding ring, or the night she stayed out late? Whoever that person is (male or female), that person is not your friend - but don't lash out at the friend directly, as that will only shut her down. You can express some gentle disappointment that she didn't come to you with all these feelings and thoughts (other than to suggest selling the house and moving without really getting into why) before unilaterally making this major, life-changing, marriage-wrecking decision.

 

I do get a sense from what you have said, that perhaps she is not being totally 100% honest with you (unless she is normally just this erratic, spontaneous and irrational - you know her, and we don't, so only you know how to judge that). I think she does care about you to some degree (she would at least rather her decision did not utterly destroy you), but the emotional detachment really does concern me.

 

These are the things (hopefully not in interrogation style) that you need to figure out from talking with her:

 

1. Is there someone else - even just a close "friend" she talks to but does not sleep with. Who is this person, male or female, where did they meet, etc. (you probably won't get all of that info, nor should you try very hard, but that is all useful information you should be listening for). If you are up against the concerned guy "friend", that is not good. Distancing herself from you, sleeping in other bedrooms, etc., suggests for sure that she is not into you right now, and could possibly but not necessarily indicate that she is showing loyalty to someone else by not sleeping with you.

 

2. Ask her if she loves you, and if she is IN love with you. She is not acting like someone who is in love - at least not with you.

 

3. Ask her if she loves someone else, or thinks she might, or isn't sure. If yes, ask who that someone is, and ask for details (do not show your anger no matter what she says).

 

4. Tell her you respect how she is feeling, and that you want to make changes to make this relationship good for both of you. Ask her if you are important enough to her to save what it is that the two of you have together. Ask her if she thinks it is worth saving, and if she says no or that she doesn't see how, ask her why not. Don't refute each of her points one-by-one as she makes them and shut her down (don't give her the excuse to say "you're just not hearing me - this is pointless"). She would clearly rather not really explain this to you in a meaningful way and will likely search for excuses not to, but you deserve that, and if she has any decency, she will do that for you at minimum if you press (nicely) for reasons. If she will unload on you, let her. You need to know these things. Once she has told you what she will, then talk to her about wanting to make this work, and how much you love her, and tell her that if she will give it a chance, that you are not ready to give up on the relationship. Point out that you didn't even know she was feeling this way, and that neither of you have even tried to fix things yet.

 

5. Most importantly, don't outwardly demean any of her ideas, and act as though you are interested and understanding about whatever it is she might have to say, no matter how absurd or irrational you may think it is (throwing my comment at her about chucking it all and going to live like a hippie, even thought that is basically what she is proposing, would just not be a good idea).

 

I hope some of this helps. Post back about how it goes. Maybe there is some more advice someone can offer.

[broken1]

WithOrWithoutYou, I can't thank you enough for your comments.

 

With my wife out of town tending to her mother, I was overwhelmed with anxiety not knowing how to approach her when she did come home.

She had called and told me when she was going to be home, so as the time passed my anxiety levels increased.

I read and re-read your post a number of times so that it would sink in. And it did.

I talked to her. I stayed calm. I kept remembering not to argue every little point she made. I found myself going in certain directions, but remembered your comments and brought myself back to a calmer discussion.

 

She says she doesn’t love me anymore. And that we should have never married. She says that there is no one else, and that she doesn’t have feelings for anyone else.

She said that she has been talking to someone at work who, from what I understand, fell out of love with her husband and wanted more from life. But now this person has a kid and feels trapped.

She says she’s scared to be on her own, but feels the only way to be able to start over is with the money she could get from selling the house.

She said she would go with me to the counselor, but it would only be to help me get better, not to work on the marriage.

 

This was the hardest part of the conversation and where I kept trying to remember your words:

As she says she doesn’t have feelings for me and doesn’t want to work on resolving anything, I had to remember not to push her to hard to work on things. I want to work on whatever is it that I need to. And it’s hard for me to understand that she wouldn’t.

I know I was pushing to try and get her to work on things and she ended up walked away. When she came back, I told her that I heard her and understand her and that I’m just trying to work through what’s going on.

And I did here her and understand her. It’s just that the way I was brought up, you work through things and they are better in the end.

 

Thanks again WithOrWithoutYou.

[Mz. Pixie]

Tell her to leave the freaking Lexus you bought her when she goes!

 

Sounds like my BF's marriage. He married a girl younger than him. They had a child and he needed to work a second job to help with expenses because the child had health problems. His exwife started staying out with the girls and partying. Then, she didn't love him anymore.

 

He found out later it was another guy. She was PG with the guys baby before the divorce was final!

 

Sounds like your wife has a case of "don't want to grow up".

It's sad, the only advice I have for you is to not stand for it!

[MassiveAtom]

Originally posted by Mz. Pixie

Sounds like your wife has a case of "don't want to grow up".

It's sad, the only advice I have for you is to not stand for it!

 

Yeah buddy!

 

Hey Broken, drop her lame ass and move on. Trust me there's a real woman out there who's imperfect in many ways, but perfect for you. You just have to be man enough to find and keep her around. Even then, if she want's to leave, let her go, there'll be more! many more.

 

many, many, many more!

[WithOrWithoutYou]

I'm really saddened to hear that she does not want to work on anything and can say that so clearly. Go to the counselor, it couldn't hurt, but keep in mind what she said. People who just up and say "I want to give up" kind of irritate me, and I think you deserve better, but if she does not really love you, in the very long run, she may be doing both of you a favor. If she is telling the truth about not loving you anymore, do yourself a favor and get a very good divorce attorney.

 

Sorry to hear your conversation didn't go better, but you will always know that at least you tried. And who knows, maybe she will figure things out and change her mind and decide that you are worth it. If she doesn't, at least you tried.

[Mz. Pixie]

MA love your new signature line!

[broken1]

My bad. She is cheating on me.

Monday she went to the Doc for a urinary tract infection.

 

Today she just filled her birth control perscription (She stopped taking it cuz she was on it since she was 16, she's 32 now), and even told me that she got her pelvic exam and said everything is ok.

 

Not much more to say about that. I called my mortgage guy. I just have to find a lawyer now.