Is it too late to go NC?

[yxalitis]

I'm trying to get my ex back, I wasn't sure at first, I left her, packed up, moved out..heck, just look up my posts if you really want to know.

But because of this, I kept in touch, as friends, but not seeing each other. I did go quiet (not NC, just not texting her) for 3 days, and she responded by emailing me, texting me, AND calling me all within about an hour.

The email:

 

Dear [me],

 

Sorry for not responding to your last texts, I received the text in the morning and my apology that I was really rushed and very busy these few days.

 

I guess, you have helped yourself to move on since I don’t hear anything from you, hope it’s a good thing for you.

 

Even you had found someone to replace and take away your pain or thoughts, I believe you will start loving her instead of keep thinking about our past.

 

I truly hope you are happy now and I really appreciate our friendship.

 

Thanks for everything [me].

 

I replied:

No need to apologise, I didn’t expect a reply.

Even though we break up, we still communicate all the time.

That’s good, but if we don’t talk for a few days, it’s no problem.

Happy to move on as we are, no expectations.

I am not looking for another person, as I said, too early.

I’m not looking to get back with you either.

I miss some things, but not others.

I’m sure you’re the same.

It was harder to break up with you than my marriage of 19 years.

 

Then this from her:

 

Good to hear that.

 

I feel sorry that I have not treated you right or given you happiness.

You are a good man…

Just that our personality clashes all the time… maybe just that I don’t deserve a good man like you that’s all! Hehe

 

Anyway, I do think of you of cause, I’m human…

 

But as you said, I will not be looking back…

 

OK, that was all a fortnight ago…since then, it’s been very quiet.

She’s asked me to be a reference for a court appearance, she’s updated me about her daughter’s violin grade, and I had already invited her to my birthday party, so I can’t exactly reneg on that.

 

She will come to my party, (of this I’m certain).

 

She will, I can guarantee it, be dressed to the max, she will be…stunning…she has an awesome body, and knows how to dress to impress.

 

So here’s my cunning plan:

 

At the party, I’ll be that super happy guy surrounded by loving friends and family, none of whom she knows very well. I’ll say hi, chat to her briefly, before breaking off to talk other people.

At the end (she’ll leave earlier because of her daughters’ school), and I’ll give her daughter a cuddle, and give her one too, just briefly, then, gone, back to the party and my life.

I will then initiate NC...

 

My question.

Do I announce my NC?

If I just stop replying to her, she’ll now I’m playing a game, same (more so) if I block her. This would not work in my favour, if she thinks she’s being played, she won’t react positively.

So, a brief text:

Dear [her]

 

I do appreciate our friendship, but I need to move on with my life now.

Please don’t contact me unless in emergency.

When I’m ready, I’ll call you.

 

Thoughts, advice?

Good idea?

Nuts?

Forget her, move on?

 

Thanks!

Edited June 18, 2015 by yxalitis

[Simon Phoenix]

No, you don't announce it. It makes it look like a stunt -- which it sounds like it is. You look like you want to manipulate her with No Contact in order to try to get her to miss you, which isn't the point of No Contact. No Contact is for moving forward in your life and evolving, letting the chips fall where they may.

 

You should go No Contact, but you need to know why you are going No Contact, or it's not going to fulfill its purpose.

[GoBlue]

I agree - announcing that you are going NC is not necessary. When someone goes NC, it's pretty clear to the other party. If she tries to contact you and asks specifically why you are not responding, I believe a forthright answer should be given. Is it really necessary to make such an elaborate plan about how you are going to act at your birthday party? Seems like it adds stress to something that should not be stressful. A birthday party should be a celebration and it should be fun. Have you considered just asking her not to come? Why wait to initiate NC if that's your plan anyway?

[yxalitis]

I agree - announcing that you are going NC is not necessary. When someone goes NC, it's pretty clear to the other party. If she tries to contact you and asks specifically why you are not responding, I believe a forthright answer should be given. Is it really necessary to make such an elaborate plan about how you are going to act at your birthday party? Seems like it adds stress to something that should not be stressful. A birthday party should be a celebration and it should be fun. Have you considered just asking her not to come? Why wait to initiate NC if that's your plan anyway?

Actually, that's exactly what I did.

She's no longer going.

I can't simply stop replying to her though, not after 4 weeks of near daily communications. Well, 9 months of near constant communication.

 

I had to tell her.

 

Oh dear.

 

THIS was the reply...I've edited it down considerably.

 

 

This is not how you love someone.

 

It is fine that you think we can’t be friends, but don’t tell me no, then yes again, then no, this is crazy….

 

Ok, if you feel uncomfortable to see me that’s fine. I don’t feel I want to see you either as you know already.

 

Thanks for your passion but we have to accept this is over right? And I agree not to see you if I am giving you the wrong impression.

I think you just haven’t got your true love that’s why you keep thinking about me.

Once you meet your true love, I bet you will not remember me, yea… I think this is you.

All you asking is a few weeks, … well you can ask forever, who care… seriously!

 

I am not the one who approached you most of the time, yes, I am only try to ask you nicely when it’s emergency matters.

Patently not true, she contacted me the last 5 times.

Well, if there is anything I have make you misunderstand that we will be still together, I am so sorry, I won’t.

 

She then went on suggesting I get back with my ex wife…YIKES!

 

I was suggest to be friend with you just to support you when you need someone to talk to.

 

You have a weak relationship with anyone, due to your emotional personality, it will be too hard for you to manage anything.

 

But of cause, you are helping me, I will feel appreciative for my whole life.

If there is anything I do in the future could benefit you, I will not neglect this.

 

Self-control, behaviour, attitude, emotion etc… very import and a big impact for your whole life.

Oh well, talk too much now.

 

Look, I don’t need a reply of this conversation, any arguments from you either, you either accept this or not, its up to you. PLEASE DON”T ANSWER ME, I DON”T NEED TO KNOW YOUR ANSWER.

 

And ok, I will try to drop off your stuff when you are not home. Will let you know.

 

 

 

What??

All I asked was a few weeks with no contact so I can get over her.

Edited June 19, 2015 by yxalitis

[yxalitis]

My birthday today, no message from her...guess she got the message.

[yxalitis]

Scratch that, she texted me last night.

Wished me a happy birthday, thanked me for helping her write a letter she needed (Which I had done just before going NC).

I replied...just thanked her.

[Lizrd3000]

Well, i do agree with her. You shouldnt ask her permission for nc for a few weeks, you just DO and dont put a specified time on it. "Who cares!"

 

She's a real dbag, holy ****. I kind of wished my ex said something so selfish to me, so i could cut her out immediately without looking back.

 

Well, she probably did, but my rainbow colored glasses wont let me see that! Just like you.

 

Leave this situation man.

[yxalitis]

I think I need a few weeks NC for my own sanity...when I can get the logical part of my brain to function, it says "Forget her, move on, she's too selfish to ever love you properly, you tried for 9 months!"

As time goes on, I hope that part starts to dominate...because I still love her, miss her heaps, and just want to get back together with her.

 

*sigh

[dumbass2]

Scratch that, she texted me last night.

Wished me a happy birthday, thanked me for helping her write a letter she needed (Which I had done just before going NC).

I replied...just thanked her.

 

Anything else between you two since that text?

[yxalitis]

Anything else between you two since that text?

 

Yeah...I stuffed up.

I am using the "Text your ex" back guide...

I used the first "Across the bow" text to start guiding her though processes to reconciliation

 

"Hi [name]

I was shopping today when they played "Madagascar", it reminded me of the time we all watched that together, brought a smile to my face"

 

Her immediate reply:

"I'm sorry, please don't remind me of things like that, I'm not interested.

If it's an emergency, you can contact me, otherwise please don't"

 

 

...Ouch

Edited June 25, 2015 by yxalitis

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah...I stuffed up.

I am using the "Text your ex" back guide...

I used the first "Across the bow" text to start guiding her though processes to reconciliation

 

"Hi [name]

I was shopping today when they played "Madagascar", it reminded me of the time we all watched that together, brought a smile to my face"

 

Her immediate reply:

"I'm sorry, please don't remind me of things like that, I'm not interested.

If it's an emergency, you can contact me, otherwise please don't"

 

 

...Ouch

 

Yeah, stop trying to manipulate and trick your ex. Leave her be dude.

[dumbass2]

Yeah...I stuffed up.

I am using the "Text your ex" back guide...

I used the first "Across the bow" text to start guiding her though processes to reconciliation

 

"Hi [name]

I was shopping today when they played "Madagascar", it reminded me of the time we all watched that together, brought a smile to my face"

 

Her immediate reply:

"I'm sorry, please don't remind me of things like that, I'm not interested.

If it's an emergency, you can contact me, otherwise please don't"

 

 

...Ouch

 

 

 

No, you shouldn't have text what you did. That was really bad. Not just that you did it, but that was pretty lame. At least you didn't come up with it. lol

 

You shouldn't have text at all, but she just did you a huge favor. She can smell your game 100 miles away. She is not interested and definitely not worth your time and energy.

Edited June 26, 2015 by dumbass2

[yxalitis]

Hmm...

 

The more time goes on, the more I regret the way I handled this.

Yes, I needed a change in the relationship, yes, I felt that things could be better.

But I miss her terribly, and my attempts to reconcile have been clumsy and fruitless.

I'm thinking to leave it for a few weeks, the reach out again.

I'll be honest...something like, "hey, it's been over two months, I still love you, and miss you, so your think we could meet up again?

Something like that...

And advice appreciated.

And yes..I'm week well she could just shut me down, I which case I'll finally give up...but I want to try one more time.

[yxalitis]

*well aware...too late to edit the typo

[Simon Phoenix]

Hmm...

 

The more time goes on, the more I regret the way I handled this.

Yes, I needed a change in the relationship, yes, I felt that things could be better.

But I miss her terribly, and my attempts to reconcile have been clumsy and fruitless.

I'm thinking to leave it for a few weeks, the reach out again.

I'll be honest...something like, "hey, it's been over two months, I still love you, and miss you, so your think we could meet up again?

Something like that...

And advice appreciated.

And yes..I'm week well she could just shut me down, I which case I'll finally give up...but I want to try one more time.

 

You need to give it way more than a couple of weeks -- more like a couple of months minimum. You're still trying to plot and manipulate. You need to let go, let her do her thing and you do yours.

 

You've tried many times. Not only is she not having it, but every time you try something you piss her off more. Quit while you're behind. Stop trying to play games.

[yxalitis]

By "a few weeks" I mean minimum four.

And you can see I don't intend to play games..

Maybe 5 or 6 weeks...but that will kill me!

[Simon Phoenix]

By "a few weeks" I mean minimum four.

And you can see I don't intend to play games..

Maybe 5 or 6 weeks...but that will kill me!

 

Dude, you need to let go. You're plotting, that's playing games. That's manipulation. You're looking for a magic formula to cause her to change her mind. That's not going to work and it's going to continue to make you look like a schmuck.

 

Leave her be, give her SEVERAL MONTHS of space, and get your stuff together. Everything you are doing and thinking of doing isn't good.

[elaine567]

Having read quite a few of your postings, it is apparent that this woman just got sick of you smothering her.

 

This was not some great love affair.

Relationships need to be about fun and enjoyment, and from what you write here, neither of you was having fun.

 

Seems to me, she grew unhappy with the relationship, she checked out and she is no doubt heaving a sigh of relief that you eventually walked out of her life - it saved her the trouble of dumping you.

 

Out in the real world you now realise the sex with her was fantastic and you want her back, but sex doesn't a relationship make.

 

"If it's an emergency, you can contact me, otherwise please don't"

and

"we have to accept this is over right? "

and

"Look, I don’t need a reply of this conversation, any arguments from you either, you either accept this or not, its up to you. PLEASE DON”T ANSWER ME, I DON”T NEED TO KNOW YOUR ANSWER."

are not the words of a woman in love, a woman that is pining for you.

 

If she wanted you back she would be grasping at any contact from you, as it is, she is actively rejecting you there.

Listen to her.

Please move on for your own sake.

[yxalitis]

*sigh...

 

OKAY these things you say I agree with...unfortunately.

 

I'll leave it until end July, see how I honestly feel at that time.

 

It's just hard to reconcile leaving someone, and then pining for them like a lost puppy...

 

I'll cope...but sometimes I miss her so much.

[yxalitis]

One week now...

Just keeping track.

Still think about her every day, but I am missing her less (if that makes sense).

[yxalitis]

Three weeks, and I had to contact her to see if my Tax certificate had been sent to her place.

Actually, I'm feeling pretty good about things, so I ask if she wants to grab a coffee one day.

She replied"

"I'm not ready.

I know you are seeking someone to listen to you, I'm sorry, I might not the best person for you."

 

Hmm, OK, so obviously she isn't doing so well, no problem.

Surprising though, I thought she was OK with everything.

[Simon Phoenix]

Three weeks, and I had to contact her to see if my Tax certificate had been sent to her place.

Actually, I'm feeling pretty good about things, so I ask if she wants to grab a coffee one day.

She replied"

"I'm not ready.

I know you are seeking someone to listen to you, I'm sorry, I might not the best person for you."

 

Hmm, OK, so obviously she isn't doing so well, no problem.

Surprising though, I thought she was OK with everything.

 

It's more likely that she doesn't want to be subjected to you trying to get her back. You need to leave her be.

[yxalitis]

It's more likely that she doesn't want to be subjected to you trying to get her back. You need to leave her be.

I'm not...I realise I don't want to go back to that relationship.

You seem to think you know more about this person you've never met than I do...

[Simon Phoenix]

I'm not...I realise I don't want to go back to that relationship.

You seem to think you know more about this person you've never met than I do...

 

I'm basing my posting on what you're writing and basing it on the fact that you've been trying to plot to trick her into coming back to you. But based on what you posted, it sounds like she wants to be completely detached from you, and I would suspect that a lot of it is because she doesn't want to be exposed to your plotting. Either way, stop reaching out.

[yxalitis]

I'm basing my posting on what you're writing and basing it on the fact that you've been trying to plot to trick her into coming back to you. But based on what you posted, it sounds like she wants to be completely detached from you, and I would suspect that a lot of it is because she doesn't want to be exposed to your plotting. Either way, stop reaching out.

Was plotting...a few weeks back, then went NC, now I realise that getting back with her would be a mistake.

She's the one who wanted to "stay friends"she's the one who kept contacting me.

I stopped texting her for 3 days, and she emailed rang, and texted me all in a few hours!

She only got grumpy when I went NC seriously...