DinnerForOne Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 (edited) Whilst dealing with the upcoming divorce from my husband, my grandmother took ill on Sunday and is busy dying, she's in a coma, unresponsive and it's just a matter of time. Over the past weeks, I have come into contact, purely by chance, people who are devoted to a higher power. They have given me comfort, prayed for me, prayed with me and asked God to fill me with his Holy Spirit. At first, it was a bit of a comfort, but nothing really "sank in"; little did I know that those chance encounters where people sent by God to cross my path to plant the seeds of His love in my life. I have been praying several times a day in order to ask for the strength to get through this terrible time. I've asked God to forgive my thousands of sins that I have commited. I've asked God to look inside my heart and inside the heart of my STBEH and open his mind and heart to reconciling in a healthy way. I've asked God to let my Grandmother recover and become well again....... and then it struck me....... I am asking God for things "I want" driven out of selfish desire. Sometimes what we want is not neccessarily what we need. Sometimes what we want is not neccessarily what other people need. My beloved Grandmother is 86, she's been in ill health for a long time, she's tired. If God believes that the best thing for her now is to sleep in eternal Peace, I respect that. Yes, it is sad and heartbreaking and not what I want, but it is probably what she needs and she may even want too. The same with my STBEH. As much as I deeply love him and deeply care about. As much as I do not want a divorce; maybe it's part of a bigger plan that we are not together anymore. Maybe God has a different plan for him and his daughters that does not include me. Maybe God has a plan for me that does not include him. My faith is still weak, but growing every day. I have asked God to help me love HIM as purely and as deeply as I love my STBEH. I wish to transfer that love to someone, to something, that is deserving of my love. And there is so much to love and so many to love in my life, if I can just channel the love I feel for STBEH into appreciated love, reciprocated love, healthy love and indeed self love. I have to trust in Him but I will not stop asking for a reconciliation until such time as the Divorce is actually done. God hates a divorcing. It may seem that I am clinging to false hope; but know this: I will not give up until such time as there is no longer any hope. If God wants STBEH and I to be together and to continue our life journey together, then STBEH will reach out. Until that time, I am focussing on my mental, emotional, physical, intellectual, financial and spiritual health. These things I will continue to focus on whether STBEH and I reconcile or not. Edited June 18, 2015 by DinnerForOne 2 Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 In my own spiritual journey, it has been a sea change rather than an instantaneous transformation. The Bible says you become a new creature in Christ and implies that it happens immediately (2 Corinthians 5:17) - but it sure doesn't feel that way! You're still dealing with all the same issues, and you still have the same set of weaknesses/pathologies. The changes occur so slowly, imperceptibly that it isn't until a long time later when you look back at where you used to be, you start to recognize the "new creature." For me it's been a matter of learning to trust God and get out of my own way so that the Holy Spirit could work within me and through me. And I am still very much a work in progress. But I like the path I'm on - and I'm way better off than I was before I started following Christ. I'm so glad you are turning to God in your current "walk through the valley." It's the smartest move you could ever make. He will never leave your side or turn away from you; He is always with you, and transforming things meant for evil into something good. When you take your hands off the wheel and let Him drive, everything works out for the best - for everyone, including you. Keep on keepin on! You're going in the right direction. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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