Wife wants to maintain friendship with AP's sister

[Cheezy]

Married 26 years. She had 3 year affair with our neighbor (my former "friend" and drinking partner. I am now 2.5 years sober). Dday was a year ago. We stayed together for about 5 months, then separated for 3 months. She dated him while separated, and concluded that he was not relationship material. We got back together 4 months ago. She last spoke to him when she went to visit his sister - her friend - 3 months ago. Since then she has changed her phone number and completely cut him off (I believe).

 

Things are much, much better with us. I forgive her - no one is perfect, especially me, and and she is committed to our marriage and family on many fronts. But she strongly wants to maintain a close friendship with his sister (who lives in the apartment above his). She says she'll never go to her apartment - that they'll meet off site. She says she'll ask her friend not to talk about him.

 

I've expressed to her that this arrangement doesn't work for me. That I am afraid that being close to his sister could rekindle the affair. That she is a reminder of him in how she looks, acts, etc. that it is keeping the door ajar, even a little. She adamantly disagrees, and thinks she can have a relationship with his sister without any possibility of rekindling the affair. I have explained that it is a barrier to trust. That she can do whatever she wants, but I will not be able to be fully vulnerable in our relationship if she maintains that friendship. That it will be very difficult to me to be "all in" knowing that she lunches with her affair partner's sister. That I will not feel truly safe in our marriage.

 

My question: am I being unreasonable? Is this my trust issue to work on, and and make peace with myself about her friendship with his affair partner's sister?

 

Please don't say "dump her". We have kids, and they are not "resilient". Even if she keeps that friendship, I am confident that we can have a civil, friendly, even loving (to a degree), relationship.

 

I would like to have an "all in" marriage. I would love to be able to be vulnerable, and to trust my wife. I'm just not sure I can if she's keeping ties to the family of her affair partner.

[the_artist_1970]

She needs to give up the friendship with the sister. If she stays friends she will bump into OM at some point. All kids are resilient, even yours. Don't be a doormat for her just because you want to remain married for the kids sake. Believe me, you are not doing them any favors. She should not ever put you in a position where you don't feel safe that she wont cheat again and being friends with OM's sister is a bad idea. NC with OM or his family for life. You should demand that.

[cozycottagelg]

Would you be willing for her to maintain this friendship if the sister came over to your house, when you were home? That way they could still hang out, but you'd be around?

 

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, just trying to think of ways you guys could compromise.

[Buckeye2]

You can only control your own actions. Your wife has decided that a relationship with the sister is more important than you being “all in.” If you are going to stay with her for the kids then she has consigned the two of you to having a business relationship. Be clear with her that this is the choice she has made.

 

Think about divorcing her when the kids are old enough. Your insecurity with her continued contact with the sister is understandable. She knows what's in her mind but you don't, just like during her affair. Asking her to give up the sister is a small price to pay for f@cking the OM.

Edited June 18, 2015 by Buckeye2

[Mr Carson]

No compromise, ABSOLUTELY NOT, NO WAY!!! but hey it's your marriage and your wife, as long as OM stays out? Think about it...

[Furious]

Married 26 years. She had 3 year affair with our neighbor (my former "friend" and drinking partner. I am now 2.5 years sober). Dday was a year ago. We stayed together for about 5 months, then separated for 3 months. She dated him while separated, and concluded that he was not relationship material. We got back together 4 months ago. She last spoke to him when she went to visit his sister - her friend - 3 months ago. Since then she has changed her phone number and completely cut him off (I believe).

 

Things are much, much better with us. I forgive her - no one is perfect, especially me, and and she is committed to our marriage and family on many fronts. But she strongly wants to maintain a close friendship with his sister (who lives in the apartment above his). She says she'll never go to her apartment - that they'll meet off site. She says she'll ask her friend not to talk about him.

 

I've expressed to her that this arrangement doesn't work for me. That I am afraid that being close to his sister could rekindle the affair. That she is a reminder of him in how she looks, acts, etc. that it is keeping the door ajar, even a little. She adamantly disagrees, and thinks she can have a relationship with his sister without any possibility of rekindling the affair. I have explained that it is a barrier to trust. That she can do whatever she wants, but I will not be able to be fully vulnerable in our relationship if she maintains that friendship. That it will be very difficult to me to be "all in" knowing that she lunches with her affair partner's sister. That I will not feel truly safe in our marriage.

 

My question: am I being unreasonable? Is this my trust issue to work on, and and make peace with myself about her friendship with his affair partner's sister?

 

Please don't say "dump her". We have kids, and they are not "resilient". Even if she keeps that friendship, I am confident that we can have a civil, friendly, even loving (to a degree), relationship.

 

I would like to have an "all in" marriage. I would love to be able to be vulnerable, and to trust my wife. I'm just not sure I can if she's keeping ties to the family of her affair partner.

 

A truly remorseful cheater would not maintain contact with anyone that triggers your well being. You've expressed how being friends with the OM's sister makes you feel and it has fallen on deaf ears. I get the feeling your wife has no empathy and lacks class. Actions speak louder than words and her actions are selfish.

 

Where is your dignity? A woman will not respect a man who allows disrespect. It's as though you are afraid to stand up for yourself, if you don't respect yourself, don't expect your wife to respect you.

[Sub]

She says she'll never go to her apartment - that they'll meet off site. She says she'll ask her friend not to talk about him.

 

I don't really see the point of meeting off-site or not talking about him, as a means of dealing with the elephant in the room. So, every time they get together, they'll go into it conscious of the guys presence as the FOM and brother. In a way, keeping him present. I would ask your wife if the sister's friendship means that much to her to maintain in that way.

[MM1234]

Cheezy,

 

A truly remorseful wife will do whatever it takes to ensure her husband feels emotionally secure in the marriage. She needs to cut ties with everything that has to do with her AP.

 

You need to man up & tell her what you WON'T tolerate. If she insists on being friends with her AP's sister, then you show her the consequences. At that point, you start the 180 & show her what life is like without you in it. The 180 isn't for the faint of heart, but it can turn your marriage around. (I did the 180 on my own husband, got his attention)

 

At the moment, you are still being weak with your wife. She senses it. She needs to prove to YOU that she is worthy of still being in this marriage. Don't hand over all of your power to her - she f*cked up, it doesn't work that way.

 

Man up, start the 180 ASAP....

[Buckeye2]

Cheezy,

 

A truly remorseful wife will do whatever it takes to ensure her husband feels emotionally secure in the marriage. She needs to cut ties with everything that has to do with her AP.

 

You need to man up & tell her what you WON'T tolerate. If she insists on being friends with her AP's sister, then you show her the consequences. At that point, you start the 180 & show her what life is like without you in it. The 180 isn't for the faint of heart, but it can turn your marriage around. (I did the 180 on my own husband, got his attention)

 

At the moment, you are still being weak with your wife. She senses it. She needs to prove to YOU that she is worthy of still being in this marriage. Don't hand over all of your power to her - she f*cked up, it doesn't work that way.

 

Man up, start the 180 ASAP....

 

I agree with all the above. However you have placed yourself in a weak position if you start off with you will stay for the kids no matter what she does. You don’t want to draw a red line you’re not going to back up. That looks even weaker.

[Clay]

There is no way I would go along with her having any kind of a avenue to communicate with the AP even if it is through the sister. I would just tell her she can talk to who ever she wants but if anyone related to the guy or friends of the guy is on that list she needs to pack and move on with her life.

 

Sadly I think if you allow this to be a part of your life your liable to repeat the history you have already had to endure. I personally would have never taken her back after that. Would she have taken you back after you had a relationship with the neighbor. I seriously doubt it.

 

Clay

[minimariah]

I'm just not sure I can if she's keeping ties to the family of her affair partner.

 

she is. you aren't being unreasonable.

 

be careful & aware of a huge possibility that the A probably will re-start. so be cautious. keep that in mind, work on your marriage and look out for the usual signs. if you notice something... well, either divorce or you can come up with some kind of agreement where you can stay married until your children are off to college/at college age (roommate - open M).

[Friskyone4u]

What you are basically saying is that whether or not she cares about your feelings you will put up with it just to stay married to her.

 

A three year affair and she demands to maintain contact with his sister is absurd if you want to ever trust her again.

 

he others have told you this is no indication of any remorse at all. She thinks she has given you a big bone by deciding OM was not relationship material and coming back to you as Plan B. And you should be thrilled at the opportunity to be with her again.

 

And now you are going to stand for her hanging out with ther sister again??? What happens when they go out or for GNO. She is supposed to tell her brother he can't be around. Give me a break.

 

You are asking for nothing but trouble here, and the fact that you said YOU THINK they have had no contact shows that. You really don't know.

 

Its your call, but you are no the cheater here but you are making the concessions and she is not acting like someone who is thankful you are giving her the gift of an opportunity to reconcile. it takes two to do that.

[HereNorThere]

There's definitely a pattern of disrespect and violation of your boundaries with this woman, but I'm not so sure you can expect any more of her. It seems like you kinda already know how she is, so you can either accept it or move on. Rarely are people able to change their core personality without a serious commitment to getting better and going to long-term intensive therapy. Some people are just selfish and lack the empathy that they need to form bonds with other people. It's up to you to decide whether or not her behavior is a deal-breaker for you. Sadly, there's very hope for her actually changing at this point.

[Try]

Married 26 years. She had 3 year affair with our neighbor (my former "friend" and drinking partner. I am now 2.5 years sober). Dday was a year ago. We stayed together for about 5 months, then separated for 3 months. She dated him while separated, and concluded that he was not relationship material. We got back together 4 months ago.

Her actions were cold and heartless, few would be as forgiving as you. She had multiple affairs with her lover. After Dday, rather than beg you for forgiveness and committing to do what was needed to help you heal, she split with you to explore if this lover was long "relationship material" that she would replace you with. Although they broke up a few months ago, the odds are very real that they will have another affair or that she will leave you for him. There is no way that you should feel safe in this relationship with her.

 

My question: am I being unreasonable? Is this my trust issue to work on, and and make peace with myself about her friendship with his affair partner's sister?

Yes you are being unreasonable in staying in a marriage with a cheater that is so lacking in remorse, that she is not even willing to give up her friendship with her lover's sister. She wants there to be no consequences for her betrayal, and your willing to do this us very unreasonable. There can be no true long term reconciliation, if there is no true remorse and if you allow rug sweeping.

 

Please don't say "dump her". We have kids, and they are not "resilient". Even if she keeps that friendship, I am confident that we can have a civil, friendly, even loving (to a degree), relationship.

This will sound counter intuitive but, you must be willing to really end the marriage to have a chance at saving it long term. On Dday, I am guessing that you did the same thing and rug sweep; this led 5 months later to her seprating to give the other relationship a try. If she sees that eve after all her betrayal, she gets to make all the rules, she will lose what little respect she may have for you, which will not bode well for her not cheating again. Your weakness, is hurting the odds that you will stay married, not improving it.

[beach]

Your request isn't unreasonable. But it should be a demand. She gave up her choices when she cheated.

 

She wants back in the M? She should do as you demand.

 

No friendship with OM's sister.

 

 

IF that "friend" is that important - then the M isn't your wife's priority. Your feelings shouldn't be so unimportant to your wife.

 

 

How old are your kids? 26 years married - I would think they may be adult age or nearly adults...?

[autumnnight]

The loss of this friend is a natural consequence of the affair. Not to mention that this friend probably wasn't much of a friend of the marriage anyway.

[sandylee1]

Without reading other responses , it seems you were plan B. It didn't work out with him and she came back to you. They had 3 years in an affair , but out in the open it didn't work .

 

Is there a reason you forgave her so easily?

Have you had an affair yourself?

 

You say you don't want to dump her because of the kids , but she was quite okay with dumping you, until it didn't work out with OM.

 

You are not unreasonable. I think she is unreasonable to expect to maintain this friendship.

 

I wonder how she'd feel if you remained friends with the brother of your AP if there was one.

 

If your wife respected you enough, she'd drop her friend without a second thought , because the marriage is more important. Where do your feelings come in all this?

 

If it were me and I didn't want to leave the marriage , I'd tell my H I'm here, but I don't feel safe in the marriage anymore and we can just tick along until the kids leave home .

 

My heart wouldn't be in it at all.

 

I think it's very selfish of her. First a 3 year affair , then this. It's all ME ME ME with cheaters at times.

 

Put your foot down or risk her doing whatever she wants.

[jen1447]

So she had an affair with this guy, ended it, then you separated, then she auditioned the other guy again during the separation to see if he'd do as a full time replacement, that didn't work out, she reconciled with you instead as a fallback, and now she's keeping him in her life indirectly.

 

It's clear she wears the pants in your marriage so I think any suggestions that you divorce or make demands are unrealistic. She's obvs going to do what she wants, so all that leaves you is to deal with it personally as best you can.

 

To that end, how confident are you that the sexual relations with this guy are really over?

[Cheezy]

The comment above brought up a good point that I left out:

 

I have had, and have admitted to, a handful of incidents over the years. All were one-offs and did not involve a relationship. None included intercourse. I am not interested in minimizing them, to her or anyone else. each one was wrong and selfish of me.

 

As I said, I owned up to each incident (1 was when we were dating, 2 were happy endings, and 2 were in Vegas). I am willing to never go to Vegas again. I have asked how I can rebuild her trust, and I don't get any answer.

 

What is confusing to me is that she won't really talk about her lack of trust in me (which I'm sure she has). I believe we have to have an open dialogue about BOTH of our infidelities, and she has to tell me what I can do to regain her trust. I think I've been very clear about what would help me trust her again.

[Try]

@OP (Cheezy): One more thing. Your wife's affair partner's sister (AP's sister) is what is known as a toxic friend. She knew about the affair and helped facilitate it. There were probably many times that your wife had sex with her affair partner when you thought that your wife was with the AP's sister. Based on the fact that the affair partner and his sister live so close together, they probably have a close relationship, so no matter what she says, she will be on his side against you. When your wife's affair partner wants to pursue your wife again, his sister will help facilitate this like she has in the past. Your wife already left you before for this affair partner. The AP's sister will tell her brother what he did wrong and give him advise on what to do to address this. The AP's sister will wait for your marriage to have an issue (all marriages do), and will use what she learns from your wife to tell your wife's affair partner when to try again and what to say. The AP's sister will ask your wife to give her brother another chance.

[Cheezy]

So she had an affair with this guy, ended it, then you separated, then she auditioned the other guy again during the separation to see if he'd do as a full time replacement, that didn't work out, she reconciled with you instead as a fallback, and now she's keeping him in her life indirectly.

 

It's clear she wears the pants in your marriage so I think any suggestions that you divorce or make demands are unrealistic. She's obvs going to do what she wants, so all that leaves you is to deal with it personally as best you can.

 

To that end, how confident are you that the sexual relations with this guy are really over?

Thanks, Jen. You're right. She does wear the pants. It's clear from these responses that I'm being a wimp. And yes, she's going to do what she wants - I cannot (and refuse to) try to control her.

 

I believe that she's not seeing him, and hasn't since the the end of March. I do not think they are engaged in sexual activity. But by leaving the door open (with her relationship with his sister) it could rekindle at any time (she did tell me they had great sex).

 

So my take is: I am not going to try to control you. I am not going to tell you who you can be friends with. But if you hang out with your AP/s sister, I cannot be "all in" with you. I cannot trust you. So, is it all or nothing? black and white? perfect marriage or divorce? I don't think so. There can be a lot in between. I have suggested that if she wants to keep that relationship, then maybe the best thing to do is have an open marriage. What's good for the goose. We can fulfill each other's need financially, domestically and as parents, and look to others for emotional support and sex.

 

She's not to hot on that idea...

[Try]

The comment above brought up a good point that I left out:

 

I have had, and have admitted to, a handful of incidents over the years. All were one-offs and did not involve a relationship. None included intercourse. I am not interested in minimizing them, to her or anyone else. each one was wrong and selfish of me.

 

As I said, I owned up to each incident (1 was when we were dating, 2 were happy endings, and 2 were in Vegas). I am willing to never go to Vegas again. I have asked how I can rebuild her trust, and I don't get any answer.

 

What is confusing to me is that she won't really talk about her lack of trust in me (which I'm sure she has). I believe we have to have an open dialogue about BOTH of our infidelities, and she has to tell me what I can do to regain her trust. I think I've been very clear about what would help me trust her again.

Although clearly cheating, yours were one off's with no emotional connection, intercourse, or any chance that you would leave your wife for any of them. Your wife's cheating, was long term, involved emotional connection, intercourse, or your wife left your because she wanted to try our a full time relationship with her affair partner. They are both bad, but her's presents more of a risk to your marriage. Also, whereas you have remorse and are willing to give up what you need to give up to earn her trust again, she is not willing to do the same.

[harrybrown]

how old are your kids?

 

Did your wife give you the timeline of her 3 year affair?

 

Did she get pregnant or any stds?

 

Have you been to counseling? This is a mess for your kids.

[RightThere]

As much as I would like to give your wife the benefit of the doubt and say "Yes, it's OK to remain her friend," there are just way too many other factors that make it a bad situation.

 

I would assume if the affair was 3 years long, the sister probably knew about it at some point? If so, she's a friend to your wife and to the OM, and not to you.

 

Also since his place is so close to hers, the friendship may "keep appropriate distance" for a while, but that won't last. The sister will need to be picked up for something, or your wife will need to swing by to grab something.

 

Overall however, this "situation" is probably the least of your worries. I think you both have trust and commitment issues and should seek out professional help because if the relationship was healthy, your wife wouldn't want to be friends with the sister, and you wouldn't have a trust issue with her if she did.

[Sub]

I have had, and have admitted to, a handful of incidents over the years. All were one-offs and did not involve a relationship.

 

To clarify, did you admit to them individually after they happened? Or as a whole prior to her A?