farrah5451 Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 Not long ago, I posted my MM had finally left and we were so happy. Some of you said it was too soon to speak because it was only a month and half.... you were right. Now I'm alone, crying alot. The sad part is ...we were so happy , not long after that post, he changed. He kept saying he loved me but was sad and didnt know why. His W was telling him she wanted him back, dont you miss your home, our friends, the kids,... things like that. I knew it was over, I tried to prepare myself. He said he needed time to himself, he wasn't running back home, he needed to see what was wrong with himself, why was he so indecisive. He wanted to see me one last time. He cryed for 3hours, saying he feels like he's dying, theres a hole in his heart, he loves me for eternity. He'll never love her the way he loves me, he sobbed. I think I was in shock. Maybe I didnt believe it. Said he want to call me in 2 weeks just to talk and see whats happening in my life. Well this Saturday will be the day he's supposed to call. Im a mess. Im angry, so hurt. just 2 weeks prior, he was telling our ccounselor, he wished his W would find someone and be happy. The day he left he said the thought of me with someone else kills him. He said he wished we could run away together. .. I'm thinking, what do you have to run away from? His 2 oldest teens wont talk to him, he always said he loved his W, just not in love. .. but I bet thats where he is. For those who keep waiting for MM to leave, its not what you think. He leaves a life he has built for himself, a home, friends, children, and there will always be that void. I realized I could not fill it. Love wasnt enough. He loved me, we were happy. He said when we were together, he was his happiest. It was the moments we weren't that he felt sad, conflicted. Im still mourning, I put a good front on because of my chikdren but I feel part of me has died. Why even call me? But a part of me wants him too. I dont think he will. Im so tured of this going and coming back. He said he felt this wasnt goodbye. I told him I felt it was. Thanks for listening, could use words of encouragement. Feeling really low, like a fool, feeling lost and alone. Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 Don't blame yourself for believing him- although the rest of us could see whats coming, the beautiful thing about being human is hope-you hoped we were wrong, you wanted to be the ones that were different, the ones that made it work- NOW- put all of that aside and start taking care of you- change your focus of hope to yourself, not that relationship- have hope in you that you will do better at protecting yourself the next time, that you will find a relationship that is worthy or you- Good luck- 3 Link to post Share on other sites
the_artist_1970 Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 Sorry you are hurting but don't allow this man to come into and out of your children's life whenever he wants to. What lesson are you teaching your children? The words he says are probably true at the time he is saying them but he is telling his W some of the same words in order for her to allow him to come back home. He is playing you both. Don't allow yourself to go through this for him no matter how much you love him. Love is no excuse to be a doormat. You need to harden your heart for him and love yourself enough to not allow him to come back into your life. Your entire post read about what "he said." Words are just words. What about how you feel? You are showing him that you care about him more than you do yourself. Stand up for yourself and stop letting him run in and out of your life. He will never respect you as long as you allow him to treat you this way. We teach people how to treat us. He is just one man on this planet. You deserve to treat yourself better than this and waiting on a phone call from him and you don't even know where he is? That is just to submissive. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Curlgirl Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 I feel for you I m in the same relationship with the difference that he is yet to move next month to live with me but still keeping his family to visit over the weekend... Your post is a wake up call for all of us thinking a MM can jst simply ignore his parallel life and start a new one.., that will never happen unless he D his wife before meeting us .. The OW... It s sad how we get attached that we ignore the facts the lies the secrecy they put us in and keep going based on a dream before we actually realize it... My heart goes out for you and you really give me strength to wake up and live for now not for an unknown tomorrow.. Would love to put a smile on your face and I d say never run after a bus or a man cos there will always be another one 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 Don't blame yourself for believing him- although the rest of us could see whats coming, Oh, c'mon. How? OP, don't beat yourself up. I bet you he'll waffle and be back. It's up to you whether you want to deal work the back and forth. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 Love wasnt enough. It's not for many people (men especially). And he cried because it hurts him to have to give love up for the sake of duty (which is fulfilling too but in a different way). He knows he can't have both, but be forewarned, he will try to have both by attempting to keep in contact with you so you can stay in an indefinite A with him. He'll probably keep trying to buy more time using different excuses/strategies. And in the future, never ever date a separated man. Separated is not divorced. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 Oh, c'mon. How? OP, don't beat yourself up. I bet you he'll waffle and be back. It's up to you whether you want to deal work the back and forth. How?- because lots of us have been around awhile and have seen it over and over and over- thats how- but that was not my point, the rest of my post speaks to that-its about hope, she needs to refocus where she puts her hope- 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Noideanow Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 His 2 oldest teens wont talk to him, he always said he loved his W, just not in love. .. but I bet thats where he is. For those who keep waiting for MM to leave, its not what you think. He leaves a life he has built for himself, a home, friends, children, and there will always be that void. I realized I could not fill it. Love wasnt enough. He loved me, we were happy. He said when we were together, he was his happiest. It was the moments we weren't that he felt sad, conflicted. The last thing you wrote here.. I think could you spend allmost all time together? and maybe it just takes time for the kids to understand and forgive him or a lot of honest talking? and when everyone is content he can relax and not feel conflicted:o I think it will all work out, but the wife seems to try and guilt him into feeling bad, in the long run she will not succeed, god forbid:o 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author farrah5451 Posted June 18, 2015 Author Share Posted June 18, 2015 This relationship drained me, and yet I was still holding on. I feel differently this time, its finally done. Im still grieving but I know I'll get stronger everyday. I kept a journal and I read it the other night. It was a repetition of will he leave, he loves me but will he always second guess his decision. It was all about him. It was always me, him and the W in this relationship, I guess I was always hoping it would change. I finally realized this pattern would have kept repeating. Im ready for normalcy, to be first, to stop with constant worries and what will he do questions. Right now im going to take time to heal and focus on me and my kids. Thank you all, love you all.. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
the_artist_1970 Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 This relationship drained me, and yet I was still holding on. I feel differently this time, its finally done. Im still grieving but I know I'll get stronger everyday. I kept a journal and I read it the other night. It was a repetition of will he leave, he loves me but will he always second guess his decision. It was all about him. It was always me, him and the W in this relationship, I guess I was always hoping it would change. I finally realized this pattern would have kept repeating. Im ready for normalcy, to be first, to stop with constant worries and what will he do questions. Right now im going to take time to heal and focus on me and my kids. Thank you all, love you all.. Good for you!!! You have taken the first step to loving yourself totally. I will bet you if you led your life confidently and showed the world that you love yourself first, you won't ever have a MM play games with you again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 Go back and read your old posts. Do not waste a second more of your life about this. It simply isn't worth it. Listen to what had been said in all your previous posts. NC and never ever look back. All you should see is a man who is only capable of hurting you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 (Hugs) to you. Cut this man out of your life now. Painful now but later you will feel stronger and proud of yourself for not allowing him to 'talk to you one more time' or in a week or two he calls to say 'he misses you and sorry he hurt you.' Don't engage in those conversations, all they will do is hurt you and possibly give you hope that he'll change his mind (again) and try to come back to you at some point in time. Screw that, slam the door and throw away the key. It comes down to this. People cannot walk away from a marriage and life built with their spouse and then the next day start a new life with someone else. They can't expect all to be happy and just start fresh immediately. It isn't you, at all so don't blame yourself. This guy woke up and realized everything he worked hard for, he lost. The life he created with her, their friends, family, in laws etc..etc.. All by his own doing. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SunshineToday Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 Isn't this the second time this guy left his wife and kids came to you and then went back? I truly hope for you that you block the inevitable call you are going to get from him one day, and don't ever let him suck you in to his lies for a third time. Stay strong. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author farrah5451 Posted June 19, 2015 Author Share Posted June 19, 2015 Go back and read your old posts. Do not waste a second more of your life about this. It simply isn't worth it. Listen to what had been said in all your previous posts. NC and never ever look back. All you should see is a man who is only capable of hurting you. I did, I went back and read them. The same pattern, I sound constantly worried, confused and desperate of losing him. I would always tell myself, no one will ever love me the way he did. And I believed that. Kept focusing on how he made me feel but I was ignoring the other side of the coin, how he made me feel when he kept doing this to me. I believed everything he said because he would cry and seem in anguish. I never saw that as manipulation, until now. My eyes are finally opening. Everyone on here has so much wisdom but I didnt want to believe it applied to me. Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAgain2014 Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 It comes down to this. People cannot walk away from a marriage and life built with their spouse and then the next day start a new life with someone else. They can't expect all to be happy and just start fresh immediately. It isn't you, at all so don't blame yourself. This guy woke up and realized everything he worked hard for, he lost. The life he created with her, their friends, family, in laws etc..etc.. All by his own doing. This is exactly why men who leave usually return to their wives. After they leave, most realize their families are a huge part of who they are. Their homes, families, social connections, and wives define them. Good or bad, that is stability. The majority of MM know it know it and don't bother leaving. Marriage is often referred to as building a life with another person. That life doesn't disappear when someone cheats. Even for people who have divorced without cheating, part of the upheaval is the complete change to their lives. Routines, homes, family connections, etc. Compound that will guilt, an affair, and an AP who by definition completely necessitates the change in lifestyle and you've got a crisis. This is why most go home. Aside from so many other factors, this realization was the most important reason I ended my affair. Even if I ended up with him, the process of him grieving these losses would have resulted in me getting a man I didn't know. A shell of a person. Yep he put himself in that situation and I obviously played my part but none of that occurs to either party when it's all rainbows and unicorns and you think love will be enough. An affair in the first place means they are conflict avoidant. The act of leaving is the polar opposite. There's no way for that to end well. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Sun Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 Farrah, don't allow yourself to be a victim of his fickle nature and indecisiveness any longer. Yes, he actually took a step most MM don't. But by doing it and then going back, he is hurting you far worse. And then he wants to call you in a week or two?! That is for HIM, to ease HIS pain and guilt by leaving AGAIN, to allow him to have it BOTH WAYS. This is not okay. Please don't allow the call. He can choose his wife. But he has to know that means it does not include you in any shape or form. Link to post Share on other sites
truncated Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 I would advise you not to fall into the trap of 'he's going bak because his wife is making him feel guilty/'luring" him back". He went back because he wanted to, and there is nothing you or anyone else could do that would "make" him do anything. He cheated because he wanted to, he left because he wanted to, he went back because he wanted to. Now, what is it that YOU want to do now that he is gone? It could be an opportunity for you to move on to something truly wonderful. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted June 20, 2015 Share Posted June 20, 2015 He went back because that is the life he made with his wife. That is who he is... her husband and the father of their children. He probably doesn't know how to be anybody else. That is his identity. Let him be just that. You should be looking out for yourself and your future. It isn't with him. Poppy. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 This is exactly why men who leave usually return to their wives. After they leave, most realize their families are a huge part of who they are. Their homes, families, social connections, and wives define them. Good or bad, that is stability. The majority of MM know it know it and don't bother leaving. Marriage is often referred to as building a life with another person. That life doesn't disappear when someone cheats. Even for people who have divorced without cheating, part of the upheaval is the complete change to their lives. Routines, homes, family connections, etc. Compound that will guilt, an affair, and an AP who by definition completely necessitates the change in lifestyle and you've got a crisis. This is why most go home. Aside from so many other factors, this realization was the most important reason I ended my affair. Even if I ended up with him, the process of him grieving these losses would have resulted in me getting a man I didn't know. A shell of a person. Yep he put himself in that situation and I obviously played my part but none of that occurs to either party when it's all rainbows and unicorns and you think love will be enough. An affair in the first place means they are conflict avoidant. The act of leaving is the polar opposite. There's no way for that to end well. Yep, you are so right on, ma'am. It's the same epiphany I had as well. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author farrah5451 Posted June 29, 2015 Author Share Posted June 29, 2015 He texted me, I was curious to find out if he moved back home , so I asked him. He did not.. still hasn't. He called, I answered. I wanted to know what had been happening in his life. Basically he has been going to the house, having talks with W, she has been trying , bending over backwards, as he puts it. He said I'm on the forefront of his mind. He loves me so much it hurts yet....He slept with her. He began calling me all day, everyday. I allowed it. He begged to see me. I wouldn't see him. I still have not given in to seeing him. He said he has a decision to make and he won't move in until he's made it. Our last conversation, I ended it. I told him not to call or text. I'm not doing this anymore. I said this is about you. Not me or the W. He said ill be hearing from him soon, as if he knows his decision already.. its been Five days now NC. But today I'm feeling weak, second guessing myself. I'm thinking, he didn't move back and should I have ended it? Some days I feel so strong. Maybe because I'm the one who ended it, I'm feeling weak. I'm reading my journal, my posts, everyone's responses to strengthen myself. To remind myself. I should have listened and not answered his call that day. Well I won't break N C., that's something I never did. I'll keep you all updated . I'm sure most of you will call his next move. Thank you all 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 He texted me, I was curious to find out if he moved back home , so I asked him. He did not.. still hasn't. He called, I answered. I wanted to know what had been happening in his life. Basically he has been going to the house, having talks with W, she has been trying , bending over backwards, as he puts it. He said I'm on the forefront of his mind. He loves me so much it hurts yet....He slept with her. He began calling me all day, everyday. I allowed it. He begged to see me. I wouldn't see him. I still have not given in to seeing him. He said he has a decision to make and he won't move in until he's made it. Our last conversation, I ended it. I told him not to call or text. I'm not doing this anymore. I said this is about you. Not me or the W. He said ill be hearing from him soon, as if he knows his decision already.. its been Five days now NC. But today I'm feeling weak, second guessing myself. I'm thinking, he didn't move back and should I have ended it? Some days I feel so strong. Maybe because I'm the one who ended it, I'm feeling weak. I'm reading my journal, my posts, everyone's responses to strengthen myself. To remind myself. I should have listened and not answered his call that day. Well I won't break N C., that's something I never did. I'll keep you all updated . I'm sure most of you will call his next move. Thank you all It has been my experience that when a man waffles like this he ends up going back to the W. I feel sorry for her because she is getting a man who has no passion for her. You, on the other hand, can do what makes you happy. I hope you choose happiness for yourself rather than letting him continue to keep you on a string. I know it sucks and that you are hurting, but time does heal. Chin up. Xx 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Hang in there- if you pull back and look- do you really want to spend your life with a guy that can not make a choice and stick to it- He is self centered- describing his wife as bending over backwards, yeah right, like he is not doing the same-they are reconciling, they are probably going through hysterical bonding and all the while he is lying to both of you- Stay away-good luck- 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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