He said let's get married/now he says wait a minute

[jazzed]

I hope someone can help me make some sense out of a recent development in my relationship. I have been dating the same great guy for the last two years. We are very much in love. We really are the best of friends, we laugh all the time, we can tell each other everything, and we have been through hell and we are closer then ever.

 

I am 41, He's 46, I have two girls, 13 and 15, He has a girl 8 and a son 17. During our first year we spent a good part of our time in the hospital, first with his daughter because of a staff infection in her hand (his wife died from a staff infection from dental surgery that got into her heart six years earlier). Than his son has ADD and ADHD, he was flunking out of school, faked a break in at his home and took a large sum of money and many other fun little details. Than a boy at school sucker punched him and broke his jaw.

 

But we made it through these things, his son is doing great now, he is getting A's and B's and I don't believe he would steal anything from me again. He really just needed a lot of love and patience.

 

Then my daughter's were struck. One daughter had a intestinal blockage, and spent a week in the hospital, while at the same time my other daughter was suffering with pain and noise in her ears. She had three surgeries to try and address the pain, and missed 6 months of school. His sister also died during this time.

 

We have very different parenting styles, he is more authorative and I am more laid back. He also had to work a lot and was not able to spend a lot of one on one time with my kids and the weekends he was gone during the day a lot and home only for dinners and I spent time with the kids. So my kids did warm up right away to him, and he had a very hard time understanding why. His kids fell for me right away. He didn't understand that they were used to my laid back communication style parenting and having someone new come in with an old school style was not going to be accepted right away.

 

For nearly a year we tried to make it work, he made a few changes and I dealt with my kids my way and he dealt with his kids his way. But that created problems with the kids. So I said we have to make some changes, he tried, I thought he was the only one who was wrong.

 

The changes he was making weren't enough, he was still yelling and I don't do yelling well. Finally, I said we need to take a break. But it was clear we could not live without each other. He said everyday we were apart he was physically ill. I learned I needed to make some changes too. I needed to support him more when he disciplined the kids, and we needed to spend more time together as a family. So we together we worked through this and things have been better than ever.

 

In Feb. of this year we decided to move in together as soon as school got out this year and get married next year. He wasn't able to get my ring yet, but I knew he would when he could. Well, things were fine for a while.

 

Then he had surgery and our intimate life slowly declined he said it would get better when his arm was better, but it hasn't. I have felt him distancing himself from me over the last month or so. I calked it up to pain from the surgery and maybe a little bit of pressure from work. I have been planning our wedding for next year.

 

I have told my family, all my friends, I am very excited. Well, the other night I found out he just told his sisters, and when he was telling them he said we were "probably" getting married next year. I don't understand he told me we are getting married I am excited, thrilled it's been almost five months, he is just now telling his family, his parents said they didn't know it was that serious. What has he been telling them. My mind is reeling.

 

This is the man I love, this is the guy all my friends are jealous of, everyone says we belong together, we have been through hell. I am asking what does he mean probably, I can't remember the in-between conversation but I can tell you that he said he feels like I am pushing him, that I think he's just going move in the day school gets out. I thought that's what he said, I thought that's what we both wanted.

 

I've been crying, he's told me he feels like I am controlling him and he wants to decide when to move in and when to get married after he buys my ring. He wants to do it his way. He doesn't understand why I am upset, why I am crying, and now why I am mad, he thought I would just say okay and be happy and calm like always.

 

Help! Maybe, I am wrong, but this was his idea in the first place he wanted to move in together and get married in a year and now he says we need to complete all these projects before we can move forward. We have had these projects for over a year and progress stopped 4 months ago.........what does this mean.

 

I don't know what to do, I love him, but right now I am not sure I trust him, this is the second time in our relationship that when marriage entered into it, he seemed to exit. But this time, I actually took the bait. I feel myself building a wall around myself. Confused, hurt and angry, but still in love

[Firesqueak]

Ouch! I know how that feels!

 

I have a few thoughts on your situation, some may ring true, others may not.

 

1) have you flat out asked him why his feelings have changed?

 

2) Perhaps he really liked you at first, but is now losing interest in the relationship.

 

3) Maybe you should listen actively to what he is saying with out taking things in a bad way. Perhaps there are things he needs you to work on before he gets in any deeper with you, such as the control issue. Have you considered relationship counseling?

 

4) It could be that there really are things he feels like you deserve that he's working towards giving you, and wants to make sure that everything is right before you all tie the knot.