Walking on eggshells

[xxoo]

Thats what she wants. But I always add something like "wipe it with a towel" or "I have to get ready too", and thats the issue she has. She wants me to say "sorry I fogged the mirror, I won't do it again" and nothing else. Anything else she says is insulting her. But I feel I'm going to explode if I don't say "I have to get ready too" or "just wipe it with a towel".

 

But look at my wording--I didn't include "sorry"....for a reason. Just acknowledge and move on. Adding sorry, or a suggestion, or an explanation all inject dynamics that set people off. Saying sorry sets you off, and hearing excuses sets her off.

 

I'm suggesting a formula:

 

Foggy mirror. Got it.

Toilets. Check.

Wet dog. Will do.

[berniev]

It isn't all the time. It might be 10 to 20 minutes a day. And if I just say sorry, its over and I get kisses. But I never know when it is going to happen. Thus the walking on eggshells. We could be watching a movie and wrapped up in each other. Then out of nowhere she will say "when was the last time you cleaned the toilet in the guest bathroom?". I use it the most. I'll say "no idea". Which gets "I looked today and it is nasty. How can you live like this? Can you go clean it?". I'll say "right now?". This will piss her off to the moon. The night will be over.

 

She doesn't call me names, probably the worst name was narcissistic jacka*s. Probably the worst time was when I said she had hurt my feelings. I don't remember what was said, but I followed with something like "I bet you would cheat on me" and she followed "I would f*ck another man right now if I could, just to piss you off". Then she started recording with her phone. I'm crying and screaming like a mad man. My face is all red, tears streaming, voice shaking. I'm telling her we need couples counseling. I can't live like this. I'm not happy. Of course the video is only me. She has played it for me a few times to show me that I am the problem.

 

Humor never works, that will speed it up every time.

 

I tried to point out after she got out of the shower that the mirror was fogged. That was a big mistake. She said I was deflecting my issue on her and trying to start a fight. It was a fight.

 

Everyone says we are perfect. My family loves her. Her family loves me. My Mom thinks she is more than fantastic. I just hate the stress.

 

I can't believe you are allowing yourself to be treated like this.

 

Nobody will respect you if you don't fight for yourself! Take the fight to her and tell her that she backs down and you will back down.

Edited June 19, 2015 by berniev

[fireflywy]

Read the book.others suggested.

Edited June 19, 2015 by fireflywy

[hoping2heal]

So, in other words...

 

Your wife is upset about your online interactions with other women. Were other women liking your profile photo or following you on instagram prior to marriage?

[Babs22]

Thats what she wants. But I always add something like "wipe it with a towel" or "I have to get ready too", and thats the issue she has. She wants me to say "sorry I fogged the mirror, I won't do it again" and nothing else. Anything else she says is insulting her. But I feel I'm going to explode if I don't say "I have to get ready too" or "just wipe it with a towel".

 

She is treating you like a child and you are letting her. I think you need to stand up to her, but realize this will probably make the fight escalate. Personally, I couldn't stay married to someone who treated me that way, even for 20 minutes a day. You know there is an issue when the other person won't take any of the responsibility for the way things are. I would try counseling if she will do it and if she won't, I'd leave.

[spanz1]

didn't your mamma ever tell you to count to 10 before saying a response? try that.

 

 

She is just pissed off that you do not acknowledge her feelings, but instead take a scientific unfeeling response every time.

 

 

If you can not do this...maybe its divorce time. it will only get worse as you two age

[elaine567]

So, in other words...

 

Your wife is upset about your online interactions with other women. Were other women liking your profile photo or following you on instagram prior to marriage?

 

Exactly.

This isn't about fogged mirrors or wet dogs or any other trivial stuff.

Miss Bikini World, the ex.

I guess doesn't help either.

[Lois_Griffin]

Women don't respect a man they can push around. They don't.

 

If my husband let me treat him like some dumbass teenage boy by constantly reprimanding him for bullcrap stuff - and he was always apologizing to me and trying to kiss my ass to keep me happy - I'd have ZERO respect for him.

 

Zero.

[berniev]

She is treating you like a child and you are letting her. I think you need to stand up to her, but realize this will probably make the fight escalate. Personally, I couldn't stay married to someone who treated me that way, even for 20 minutes a day. You know there is an issue when the other person won't take any of the responsibility for the way things are. I would try counseling if she will do it and if she won't, I'd leave.

 

Every woman will try to treat her man that way. It's in their genes but it's up to us to stand up and correct them.

[Mr Carson]

Every woman will try to treat her man that way. It's in their genes but it's up to us to stand up and correct them.

 

I don't think ''every woman'' but we sometimes put up with a lot because of whats in her jeans

[central]

I don't think ''every woman'' but we sometimes put up with a lot because of whats in her jeans

 

When we put up with too much, though, we tend to lose access to what's in her jeans, and if other women notice such behavior, you'll find yourself in a shallow jean pool!

[davidromero43]

But look at my wording--I didn't include "sorry"....for a reason. Just acknowledge and move on. Adding sorry, or a suggestion, or an explanation all inject dynamics that set people off. Saying sorry sets you off, and hearing excuses sets her off.

 

I'm suggesting a formula:

 

Foggy mirror. Got it.

Toilets. Check.

Wet dog. Will do.

 

This is a good action plan. Thank you

[davidromero43]

So, in other words...

 

Your wife is upset about your online interactions with other women. Were other women liking your profile photo or following you on instagram prior to marriage?

 

Yes, she got mad about women following my Instagram. She said she was going to start following all the good looking men she could find and send them messages. I tried to explain I didn't follow them, and never asked for them to follow me, but that was a moot point. So I went through and blocked a ton of people and made my Instagram private. But the majority of the issues are not related to social media. They are more often like pouring a glass too full of soda, when she asks for a glass of soda. Or not pouring enough soda.

[berniev]

Yes, she got mad about women following my Instagram. She said she was going to start following all the good looking men she could find and send them messages. I tried to explain I didn't follow them, and never asked for them to follow me, but that was a moot point. So I went through and blocked a ton of people and made my Instagram private. But the majority of the issues are not related to social media. They are more often like pouring a glass too full of soda, when she asks for a glass of soda. Or not pouring enough soda.

 

You are letting her control your life. Tell her to go ahead and follow whoever she wants or both of you agree to keep Instagram private.

 

Do not submit to this!!!

 

As for the soda, start picking on her next time she does something for you. Make sure you return the favor and let her taste it.

 

Do not afraid to fight. If you aren't going to fight for yourself, nobody will respect you and nobody can help you.

 

Sadly, every woman is like this. Some are a little better than others but they are all like this. Not sure how many relationships you have been through, once you are married, they all behave like this, and it's up to us to stand up for ourselves.

[davidromero43]

Women don't respect a man they can push around. They don't.

 

If my husband let me treat him like some dumbass teenage boy by constantly reprimanding him for bullcrap stuff - and he was always apologizing to me and trying to kiss my ass to keep me happy - I'd have ZERO respect for him.

 

Zero.

 

That is part of the problem. I often stand up and the fight escalates. Then she will lock herself in a room, leave, cover her ears, whatever she can do to not hear anything I try to say. The next day she will say that I was horrible for escalating the fight. She can't live like this. She doesn't love me. I am not a good person. Then two days later she is telling me she loves me and so glad we are together. So I just go with it. I'm all yes, we are fantastic again. And I try not to upset her, by walking on eggshells.

[carhill]

There is no formula to fix this. Either live with it or leave. When attempting to apply rational solutions to an irrational interaction, you will fail. This simple concept was something I could never effectively get across to my exW when I was caregiving. She was dealing with the patient like they were reasonable and rational which they were not and the returns caused her great distress. Distress is what I'm hearing from you. Frustration as well. Yup.

[Mr Carson]

David, I feel bad for you, I do, but this is in no way normal behavior. Sure women and men both get pissy with each other, but what your wife is putting you through is way way over the top imo. You don't need to fight with her you just need to be a rock emotionally and stand your ground. Don't be pushed around and don't be provocative just go about your business and let her rage, and stop apologizing for being alive.

[OldRover]

That is part of the problem. I often stand up and the fight escalates. Then she will lock herself in a room, leave, cover her ears, whatever she can do to not hear anything I try to say. The next day she will say that I was horrible for escalating the fight. She can't live like this. She doesn't love me. I am not a good person. Then two days later she is telling me she loves me and so glad we are together. So I just go with it. I'm all yes, we are fantastic again. And I try not to upset her, by walking on eggshells.

 

David,

From what you say, it's perfectly clear that she has some serious emotional problem... could be insecurity, depression, or whatever, and she needs professional help.

 

I went thru something VERY similar. Excepting that is wasn't 20 min a day with trivial stuff, it was several times a month.... a few times, it was just a trivial item like you mention, but she would would make a big deal about it, and wouldn't let it go for perhaps an hour or two. However, some were totally abusive and she would explode, as if I killed someone, and become very verbally abusive and even hit me a few time, and she's spend the night in the other bedroom and would ruin several days.

 

She was VERY insecure, and non trusting of me (and virtually anyone). She couldn't trust me to do the dishes properly, and if she didn't know where I was at every minute, she would assume the worse, as I was having an affair.

 

I was getting counseling, and was advised to respond with Sorry you feel that way, but we'll just have to disagree... and would NOT argue one bit.... and even then she'd often continue on for a long time.

 

I though I could cure this and worked hard to do so, and the motivation was that the good times we had together were outstanding, VERY outstanding.

 

I eventually gave up, and because of her temper, was advised not to even see her when I left.... I left her a note, keys.... called her and told her what to expect and have never seen her again.

 

Hope you can do better.... but you'll probably need professional help.

[Fleur de cactus]

It is hard to live such life. She is abusing you and you are allowing it. For cleaning the toilet, you should respond very loudly " why dont you get up and clean it up yourself?"

 

Your wife sounds narcissist. She really is or she is bipolar. My narcissist ex used to do the same thing , while i was trying to understand his behavior and reason him , he called me bipolar. That moment i suspected that he knew his issue and wanted me to think the i am the one who has problems.

 

So why do you continue to live this abusive relationship ? Are you submissive ? Because it is too much! You may end up in psychiatric clinic. If she is a narcissist , your parents would not have a clue because N people are super nice to others people, because they want admiration. Even if you try to explain it to others they dont beleive you. You have to live and love a N person to see the evil side of the person. You have to do something and end this neverending abuse.

[davidromero43]

It is hard to live such life. She is abusing you and you are allowing it. For cleaning the toilet, you should respond very loudly " why dont you get up and clean it up yourself?"

 

Your wife sounds narcissist. She really is or she is bipolar. My narcissist ex used to do the same thing , while i was trying to understand his behavior and reason him , he called me bipolar. That moment i suspected that he knew his issue and wanted me to think the i am the one who has problems.

 

So why do you continue to live this abusive relationship ? Are you submissive ? Because it is too much! You may end up in psychiatric clinic. If she is a narcissist , your parents would not have a clue because N people are super nice to others people, because they want admiration. Even if you try to explain it to others they dont beleive you. You have to live and love a N person to see the evil side of the person. You have to do something and end this neverending abuse.

 

This is what I think it is. It is not at a breaking point. It really is just about 25%. I would just like to get closer to a perfect relationship. And there is something wrong with me in that I can't not say something. I feel I have to respond, or I will explode. The other 75% of the time our relationship is better than fantastic. And then I leave the top off the toothpaste and its sh*ttsville for two days. Where I have to hear how I'm ruining the relationship and we are heading to divorce. Then we wake up and everything is fantastic again. I walk on eggshells trying to keep it that way. But then a few days later someone posts on my facebook wall that I am a god, in a joking way, but not how Cindy sees it. Then I have to hear how I am embarrassing her and we shouldn't be friends on social media. Followed by two days of crud. Then another week of fantastic I love you more than anything and great sex. When we are good, we are better than fantastic.

[OldRover]

This is what I think it is. It is not at a breaking point. It really is just about 25%. I would just like to get closer to a perfect relationship. And there is something wrong with me in that I can't not say something. I feel I have to respond, or I will explode. The other 75% of the time our relationship is better than fantastic. And then I leave the top off the toothpaste and its sh*ttsville for two days. Where I have to hear how I'm ruining the relationship and we are heading to divorce. Then we wake up and everything is fantastic again. I walk on eggshells trying to keep it that way. But then a few days later someone posts on my facebook wall that I am a god, in a joking way, but not how Cindy sees it. Then I have to hear how I am embarrassing her and we shouldn't be friends on social media. Followed by two days of crud. Then another week of fantastic I love you more than anything and great sex. When we are good, we are better than fantastic.

 

David,

 

From what you say, she's for sure worth keeping and working on things. Seems like some good professional help would work. Good luck, you have something to work for.

[davidromero43]

But look at my wording--I didn't include "sorry"....for a reason. Just acknowledge and move on. Adding sorry, or a suggestion, or an explanation all inject dynamics that set people off. Saying sorry sets you off, and hearing excuses sets her off.

 

I'm suggesting a formula:

 

Foggy mirror. Got it.

Toilets. Check.

Wet dog. Will do.

 

That did and didn't work. It has worked on several days. But yesterday she just found fault in everything. It was exhausting.

 

Most days I come home from work and grab her ass and give her a big hug and kiss and say I love you. Last night she got pissed and said she hated that I grabbed her ass like that. I said ok, and moved on to get a beer. Then she said are you going to drink as soon as you get home. You can't wait until you eat first. I said ok, and put the beer back. I started making dinner and she asks how my day went. I say I've got a funny story. She says good or bad? I said let me tell the story and you decide. This pissed her off so much. She said why can't you tell me good or bad? Why do I have to hear you force your story on me. I said ok, and kept making dinner. Then she said are you going to tell the story?

 

So I tell her. She says "I guess you just had to tel me. I told you I didn't want to hear it. But you forced me to hear it.". I said ok, ate some chips and got a beer. Then after dinner I went and watered the garden. When I came back in, she was on the bed wearing only her panties. So I started rubbing her back. She said that it felt great. I said you know what else would feel great? I pulled Mr Penis out and spanked her on the booty. She said "You are really going to disrespect me like this?". I said "you used to like it". Sonofabiatch, I should have just said ok.

 

So after hearing that I am not seductive or romantic, she gets dressed. Later on she starts warming up again. So I start kissing her neck and I rub my penis against her leg. Thinking she might touch it. But no, I get the disrespectful talk again. She turns over and goes to sleep. This morning I can tell she is mad. I ask what's up. She says "I was really in the mood to have sex yesterday, all you had to do was be nice, and you just couldn't.". So here I am again on this forum tossing out my problems.

Edited June 25, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[GorillaTheater]

I'm no expert, David, but from my perspective this has Borderline Personality Disorder written all over it.

 

I don't know what relationship advice to offer, because from my understanding things only get worse unless there is some serious psychiatric intervention, which rarely occurs because the BPDer is not likely to admit they have a problem.

 

You're being painted black, and your only hope of salvaging the situation is to salvage yourself. If you don't want to consider an exit plan at this point, you may well want to leave that option on your mental table.

[davidromero43]

Not good.

 

While we are having sex, she reaches over gets her phone and starts checking facebook. I say "really?". She says "I'm not getting anything out of this.".

[Gottabestrong]

David, this sounds terrible. I am sorry, but I don't see this getting better. I know you say 75% of the time it's perfect. But those 25% of misery are just too much.

 

I know you don't want to give up, but my advice would be to tell her you can't do this anymore and tell her you either insist on both of you going to counselling or you going on a trial separation.

 

Sorry, I know it is not what you want to hear, but her behaviour is going to drive you crazy. Noone should live like that. I know I could not stand it at all.

 

Good luck!