Walking on eggshells

[sandylee1]

Not good.

 

While we are having sex, she reaches over gets her phone and starts checking facebook. I say "really?". She says "I'm not getting anything out of this.".

 

That's not on at all. Extremely hurtful.

 

Would she consider couples counselling?. It sounds like there's an underlying issue bothering her.

 

Her behaviour also sounds a bit controlling. If you want a beer after work I don't see the problem.

 

It's like she's no longer happy and is pushing you away or looking for excuses to make you upset. I hesitate to say this , but is there any remote possibility she's somehow met someone else?

 

Did she go on the trip to Napa Valley?

 

If she is in a good mood soon , could you address the issues then and perhaps tell her how unpredictable she's become and how you feel 'you're always treading with caution '.

 

Something somewhere has changed. Either your behaviour or her reaction to your behaviour. So , If you do everything you do now, as you did before, why has it just become an issue?

 

Is there anything going on that's putting her under more pressure and making her less tolerant.

 

From another one of your threads (or earlier in this one) , I get the impression, she thinks you fear divorce and as such , she might think you'll tolerate anything.

 

I know someone who was in a similar position. He said when he raised concerns , instead of trying to work on them , his wife would threaten divorce . Then he'd just keep quiet.

 

In the end he just lost the love he had and was waiting for the next time she said it, then when she did he said yes, I do want a divorce. She couldn't believe it. She thought he'd never leave because of the kids. She totally regrets it now.

[TunaCat]

David, what was her childhood like? Were her parents married or divorced? If they were married was it a happy marriage or was it similar to the one you are currently in.

 

I don't want to diagnose your wife with BPD because I'm not a mental health specialist.

 

I do wonder about her childhood and if she was around someone who was manipulative, controlling etc. If either of her parents were like that, then it's highly likely that she considered that kind of behavior absolutely normal.

 

If she had a happy childhood and was around a functional, good marriage, then I do think she could have BPD and would benefit from IC. I don't think you'll be able to get her into MC, but IC could be very helpful.

[elaine567]

Just some thoughts.

 

This, I think may be significant "She said she thought I was going to be the first man to respect her and not put her down."

 

I guess grabbing her ass, waggling Mr Penis about and slapping her on the booty is not her idea of romance. She finds it disrespectful to her as a woman.

Listen to her.

She is a grown up married women, not some floozy down the pub. She wants seduced, and made love to, not treated like some ho (unless it is on her terms).

 

I guess she is growing up, taking responsibility and is moving away from you. I think she sees you as some overgrown kid, who she needs to manage, and it is upsetting her.

Nothing you do is right, because you are just moseying along and I guess, she feels she is carrying the load.

 

Sometimes she gets the old feelings back, but then you do something to put her down or disrespect her or remind her of the load she is carrying and she goes into her anger mode again.

I guess her recent fb stunt was a dig at you for those women on Instagram. Women do not tend to forget stuff like that.

 

Are you going to have kids? It may be that she doesn't see you atm as father material and that is upsetting her. Someone who cannot remember to put the top back on the toothpaste or wipe the mirror is not someone I guess she feels she can trust with her children, so she gets frustrated and takes it out on you.

Edited June 27, 2015 by elaine567
removed quote

[MuddyRock]

I think Elaine is correct.

Although she is not correct in treating you this way my guess is that there is deep reason.

You NEED marriage counseling.

[sandylee1]

Just some thoughts.

 

This, I think may be significant "She said she thought I was going to be the first man to respect her and not put her down."

 

I guess grabbing her ass, waggling Mr Penis about and slapping her on the booty is not her idea of romance. She finds it disrespectful to her as a woman.

Listen to her.

She is a grown up married women, not some floozy down the pub. She wants seduced, and made love to, not treated like some ho (unless it is on her terms).

 

I guess she is growing up, taking responsibility and is moving away from you. I think she sees you as some overgrown kid, who she needs to manage, and it is upsetting her.

Nothing you do is right, because you are just moseying along and I guess, she feels she is carrying the load.

 

Sometimes she gets the old feelings back, but then you do something to put her down or disrespect her or remind her of the load she is carrying and she goes into her anger mode again.

I guess her recent fb stunt was a dig at you for those women on Instagram. Women do not tend to forget stuff like that.

 

Are you going to have kids? It may be that she doesn't see you atm as father material and that is upsetting her. Someone who cannot remember to put the top back on the toothpaste or wipe the mirror is not someone I guess she feels she can trust with her children, so she gets frustrated and takes it out on you.

 

Elaine ,

 

I must say I totally agree with you about the ass grabbing, I think you've hit the nail on the head. I could see with her on that point , but her subsequent actions weren't great, so I didn't mention it in my previous post.

 

My H used to do it and I hated it. Or he'll grab my boobs too and giggle them about. It makes me feel more like a s3x object , even though he never meant it that way .

 

He thinks it shows he wants me and desires, but I have since told him I prefer gentle touches. Like rubbing my back or shoulders when I'm standing at the sink doing the dishes , not him grabbing and asking if I want some action. I used to just get irritated with it.

 

The difference is that I've managed to tell him that, but now and again he slips back into it and I gently remind him. It took a while to get there.

[Winterina]

Everyone stop giving the diagnosis for the person you never met and pulling the word "divorce" when you never heard the other side of the story.

 

 

OP, this can be something else and not foggy mirrors. What past have you two had? Did you ever hurt her with something?

 

 

Another thing is that if foggy mirrors bother her, then go out of the shower and wipe the GD mirrors, what would be the big deal with that?

I would be pissed too if I had to ask for the same thing every day and you would continue doing the same thing you know I don't like. Its almost like some passive aggressive thing, or then a behaviour of someone who completely ignores things.

 

 

 

 

Are you doing 50% of the cleaning around the house or is it all on her? If its on her then get off your azz and help around every single day. Take some responsibility instead of bitching on LS about having to clean up after yourself.

It is not clear to me who is abusing whom here, and if abuse is even the word, but think about what you are doing to trigger the things and then stop bloody pushing her buttons. If walking on egg shelves for you means I have to clean up after myself, then you know what, the issue is with you not with her.

She might be taking it too hard but if reached that point it must have repeated 1000 times and she has zero tolerance for it any more. Bet she did not flip the first time it happened but she perhaps asked you nicely and you did it again anyway. Bet it reached that point that even things that she should not flip about she does...

[GemmaUK]

I find it pitiful when someone is unable to 'step up to the plate' by putting the cap back on the toothpaste and clear away their empty bottles. Good grief!!

Things like that shouldn't even need to be asked let alone asked more than one time.

I would assume an adult male would be able to take just even that tiny bit of responsibility for himself. A toddler could do it and learn it, why not a man?

[OldRover]

Everyone stop giving the diagnosis for the person you never met and pulling the word "divorce" when you never heard the other side of the story.

 

 

OP, this can be something else and not foggy mirrors. What past have you two had? Did you ever hurt her with something?

 

 

Another thing is that if foggy mirrors bother her, then go out of the shower and wipe the GD mirrors, what would be the big deal with that?

I would be pissed too if I had to ask for the same thing every day and you would continue doing the same thing you know I don't like. Its almost like some passive aggressive thing, or then a behaviour of someone who completely ignores things.

 

 

 

 

Are you doing 50% of the cleaning around the house or is it all on her? If its on her then get off your azz and help around every single day. Take some responsibility instead of bitching on LS about having to clean up after yourself.

It is not clear to me who is abusing whom here, and if abuse is even the word, but think about what you are doing to trigger the things and then stop bloody pushing her buttons. If walking on egg shelves for you means I have to clean up after myself, then you know what, the issue is with you not with her.

She might be taking it too hard but if reached that point it must have repeated 1000 times and she has zero tolerance for it any more. Bet she did not flip the first time it happened but she perhaps asked you nicely and you did it again anyway. Bet it reached that point that even things that she should not flip about she does...

 

Your first paragraph is spot on... we certainly don't know if this warrants divorce and appears to not even come close.

 

However, we can assume that the OP is doing his fair share, and being reasonable. All the things he mentions are very minor and shouldn't be an issue.

 

I would encourage talking this out, perhaps with a counselor or get some good info on relationships. These things are just too small to ruin a marriage over.

 

If there's "killer" items that happen all the time, then that has to be solved. If the empty can is on the night stand every day, then a procedure should be in place to get rid of it daily, without notice.

 

I went thru something VERY SIMILAR, but my lady did not go to extreme if I messed up occasionally, however I got in the habit of taking care of little things daily, without being asked. Yes, I'd screw up, but wasn't a big deal. If I constantly repeated something, Id get yelled at. This IS solveable.

[davidromero43]

Are you doing 50% of the cleaning around the house or is it all on her? If its on her then get off your azz and help around every single day. Take some responsibility instead of bitching on LS about having to clean up after yourself.

 

 

This did come up. She said I do nothing around the house. So I reminded her of everything I do around the house. This caused a problem. She said I was always trying to justify everything. That she just wanted me to listen to her. That I couldn't just listen, but instead, I wanted to immediately bring up everything I do around the house.

[davidromero43]

I guess her recent fb stunt was a dig at you for those women on Instagram. Women do not tend to forget stuff like that.

 

I really do not get that about women. I didn't ask for any women to follow me on Instagram. But somehow it is my fault that they did.

[elaine567]

I really do not get that about women. I didn't ask for any women to follow me on Instagram. But somehow it is my fault that they did.

 

It is not your fault that they follow you, true, but it is your fault if you do not weed out anyone your wife then gets upset about.

I am sure you would be upset if a whole lot of blokes followed your wife on Instagram.

[Praxit]

..wow..! man, that sounds heavy. But like another poster mentioned if she is that bad it sound like some type of psychological problem. Its like her ego gets easily hurt, people who are really sensitive have issues with shame or something relevant. I studied a little of this back in college.

 

How was her background growing up? Was there a father and mother? or just one? Good experiences or bad? \These are some areas you could explore to kinda get an idea what could be happening now.

[Scatty]

Sound like BPD. A therapy called DBT can work wonders, but your partner has to be totally commited to admiting her problem. Sorry you find yourself here.

[Fleur de cactus]

I wonder where you find such patience with your wife. I don;t think you want to get a divorce from her. Do you think if divorce is an option, do you think she will contest it? The truth is that things will never get better if she does not seek professional help. The only concern is this" is she going to accept help?, does she know she has serious issues? This is horrible situation no one would like to live in such toxic relationship.

 

Do you have friends and family you can talk to once in while just to vent??. Sometimes it helps to share what you see with people who know your wife. Since you continue to tolerate her behavior at least find friends who can help you to cope. Maybe you can change the situation in something laughable and ignore her. I am not going to lie but I was laughing when I was reading you day when she was on FB when you were trying to intimate. I thing she is crazy. When she says something, you are not sure what will come next.

 

What you have to ask yourself is " what changes do I want to see?" If you want her to change, she will not change without professional help. If you want separation or divorce. You friends here will let help you with how to proceed.

 

Another thing you have to think about is to ask yourself, "what is going to happen if she never change, if she does not want help?

 

Good luck man.