blackendangel13 Posted April 29, 2005 Share Posted April 29, 2005 Ok I need to vent a little on my current LDR. My boyfriend and I have been together a mere 6 months. We live only 30 minutes apart. In the beginning things were great. He met me and immediately wanted a serious commitment from me. I had liked him for awhile but wasn't really ready as I had gotten out of a very very bad break-up. But like I said, I had a thing for him for a long time and I saw it as fate so I thought why not. The first 2/3 months were good. The I love-you came quick on his part and accidently on mine the first time. I was driving out there every weekend to stay with him (he lives with his parents who love me). It was fine for awhile but I live in Chicago and was really starting to get irritated by the fact that I was always with his friends and places he liked to go instead of mine. So I started asking him to come out more and more. He refused pretty much everytime and has stayed at my house about once every 3.5 weeks. This annoys me because I have my own place and we can have some privacy. The only nights he does stay at my house also are week nights after he has band practice so this puts him at my house about midnight and I have to get up for work early. So quite simply I quit going out there. We have had so many fights about the driving issue, again this is 30-35 minutes. I got sick of fighting about it so I just quit going. I had told him several times how much it bothered me that he would not drive and everytime he brushed me off. So its been over a month since I have been out there. We see each other once in a while at shows but don't really spend much time together anymore. It really started to tear me down and depress me. So I wrote him this long letter about how he was making me feel and how I wanted to be treated and put it in the mail. Oh boy. He got it on Monday and was fuming. We had it out on Tuesday where I pretty much cried and was very emotional because he tried twisting things that I have said around. He tried telling me I never said that I would be a lot of work or that I would expect these things from him, which was the biggest bunch of **** I have ever heard. He asked me out drunk so when he called me the next day I went through the "Are you sure?" mode and told him point blank "I am a lot of work". I lost a lot of close people around me to death so I admit I am emotionally fragile and he knew this. He knew that I came from a relationship where I was severely unappreciated and taken for granted and didn't want to go back. So skip the rest of the crazy details and I asked him "What do you want from me?" and he said he didn't know and would have to figure out why he was such an a**h*** and what he wanted from me. This was Tuesday. Its now Friday and I am still in limbo. He calls everyday but I feel like I am walking on eggshells. He even called Tuesday night, I am assuming to check on me because I was a huge crying mess. I had told him that I don't think he is in love with me and doesn't show me the same care and affection he used to. I know reality sets in and feelings change but 6 months in and the only time he ever says "I love you" or gives me any sort of compliment (eventhough I am sure nice ass doesn't count as a compliment" is when he is completely wasted. So for the past 3 days I have not brought us up. I know I can't help him decide what he needs in life and what he wants. We just want incredibly different lives. He never wants to get married, have kids, or live in the city and these are all things that are important to me. There is no rush on any of them, but I don't want to feel like I pissed away years on a dead-end relationship. I think I have decided that we need to take a huge step back and either be friends w/benefits or just friends. I can handle both because if the commitment level were lessoned I would not be as pissed about our lack of time together. I think its best for us both because this situation is never going to get better. This letter incident was Tuesday and he has made no effort to come over or see me so I pretty much have my answer. This just really sucks. Link to post Share on other sites
norcaldivr Posted April 29, 2005 Share Posted April 29, 2005 Without considering all of the other circumstances one thing stands out. 30 minutes away is hardly long distance and where there is a will there is a way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blackendangel13 Posted April 29, 2005 Author Share Posted April 29, 2005 Exactly my point. With him there is no will. Link to post Share on other sites
EC Posted April 29, 2005 Share Posted April 29, 2005 When I first met my bf we lived 30 mins apart and he would drive every single night after work @ like 9:00pm to come see me for two hours and then drive all the way back home @ like 11:00 pm. Mind you paying tolls on the way there and on the way back.. We did this for three months. Then he moved 6 hours away and he drives down once a month and we have lasted a year like this. When there is a will there is a way girl! So for the past 3 days I have not brought us up. I know I can't help him decide what he needs in life and what he wants. We just want incredibly different lives. He never wants to get married, have kids, or live in the city and these are all things that are important to me You should definitely think about this for the long run? Why waste your time with him then if you both dont want the same things out of life and that will cause arguments later? After you gave him that letter he should have been at your doorstep the next day or that same night. Or he should have tried talking to you to fix the problem. Its like he wants to fight and end it? I think you should seriously talk to him and ask him what he wants and that if your going to be together that this, this, and this, have to change and tell him exactly what you want ( so then he wont say you never told him what you wanted) and if he can't accept that or doesn't want to then let him go. Find someone closer who can give you what you want. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blackendangel13 Posted April 29, 2005 Author Share Posted April 29, 2005 Thank you so much for the advice. I have both in letter form and verbally told him exactly what I want out of the commitment level he wants. During our big hashing out, he got mad and was all "So if I come over every week you will be happy", which wasn't what I was asking. I told him that it didn't have to be that often but I want more than what he is giving me, more attention, more time together, etc. You are absolutely right that he should have been at my doorstep to talk things out. That just shows he isn't that into me. I also forgot to mention that he practices in Chicago 3 nights a week and does not EVER drive to practice. He drives to his other guitarist's house and makes him drive him (my bf) to practice. So he is 5-10 minutes away from me 3 nights a week. Talk about feeling like I don't matter huh? I know LDR can work if both parties are willing to try. He just doesn't seem to want it anymore so I think its time to leave. Link to post Share on other sites
EC Posted April 29, 2005 Share Posted April 29, 2005 That just shows he isn't that into me. I also forgot to mention that he practices in Chicago 3 nights a week and does not EVER drive to practice. He drives to his other guitarist's house and makes him drive him (my bf) to practice. So he is 5-10 minutes away from me 3 nights a week. Talk about feeling like I don't matter huh? OMG that sucks so bad. that right there says it all. During our big hashing out, he got mad and was all "So if I come over every week you will be happy", which wasn't what I was asking. I told him that it didn't have to be that often but I want more than what he is giving me, more attention, more time together, etc. Um yeah you want an actual relationship!! I think you should let it go as well. I'm so sorry though I know what it feels like. But at least now you know..and you wont have to suffer that agonizing pain of not knowing, and not feeling, and wanting more and not getting anything! Ugh Dont you hate that? Be free girl and go have fun again. There will be more guys!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author blackendangel13 Posted April 29, 2005 Author Share Posted April 29, 2005 Yeah there are many more fishies in the sea. It just sucks because we see each other out a lot. We are in the same scene and go to a lot of the same places. I just don't want it to end badly and have to deal with that everywhere I go. Ugh. But I need to just bite the bullet and do it. I gave him the letter, told him what I needed, and he doesn't want to do **** about it so what else is there? Nothing. Being without him will feel exactly like I feel now except without the raised stress level. Link to post Share on other sites
EC Posted April 29, 2005 Share Posted April 29, 2005 I gave him the letter, told him what I needed, and he doesn't want to do **** about it so what else is there? Nothing. Being without him will feel exactly like I feel now except without the raised stress level. Exactly all you have now is a 'Title'! Freak that break it off...remove the stress level..and end things nice so when he is in town at least you have a sure booty call! Link to post Share on other sites
Author blackendangel13 Posted April 29, 2005 Author Share Posted April 29, 2005 Ha! If he ever came over! You can only do it in so many bathrooms Link to post Share on other sites
EC Posted April 29, 2005 Share Posted April 29, 2005 Ha! If he ever came over! You can only do it in so many bathrooms Or so many car backseats! lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author blackendangel13 Posted April 29, 2005 Author Share Posted April 29, 2005 lol exactly. That does lose its charm! Especially in a crowded city like Chicago! Link to post Share on other sites
Author blackendangel13 Posted May 2, 2005 Author Share Posted May 2, 2005 Well all. I did it. He is gone. We ended on good terms and it was the hardest thing I have ever done, but its done. Now I can heal. He was never going to change and even had the balls to say that he was upset with me for not coming to see him in a month. HA! Whatever. Guess he just wasn't that into me. Its not the end of the world though. Better things will come. Thanks for the support from everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
EC Posted May 3, 2005 Share Posted May 3, 2005 WOw you did it. How does it feel now? Don't you feel as if a huge boulder has been lifted form your chest? How did he take it? Was he upset? I know its hard but I mean you knew nothing serious was coming out of it...You gonna b ok girl~ Link to post Share on other sites
Author blackendangel13 Posted May 4, 2005 Author Share Posted May 4, 2005 I think I am even more confused now! lol. It went well, I just asked him if he was happy and he wasn't so I said we should just take a huge step back and not label us. I said we should try to be friends because we rushed the relationship and being friends is a vital part of a good relationship. He agreed with everything I had to say. Things are a little easier. We still talk everyday and it is a lot better conversation than we used to have where we were trying to fill awkward silence and not piss the other off. I will be seeing him on Friday for his show so we will see how things go. For now I am just getting used to him having no obligations to me. Not to mention I am bouncing higher than a rubber ball and the ex is trying to come back! AHH! I am just staying away from men till I sort my head out lol. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveNoLoss Posted May 4, 2005 Share Posted May 4, 2005 He is a musician.... run... and run fast.... they can't commit.. it just isn't in their cards... and kids? Ummm no... The band will always come first... and you will be second. Do you want that??? I say find someone that will WANT to see you when he is 10 min away for three nights at a time... you deserve to be first... Link to post Share on other sites
Author blackendangel13 Posted May 4, 2005 Author Share Posted May 4, 2005 See the band thing has never bothered me. I have dated muscians for 5 years and its never been a problem. Hell I even help him out when I can with band stuff. I promote and do what I can because thats his dream. The problem was never about the band. The problem was he never wanted to drive anywhere. He makes his friends drive all the time too and I know that irritates the hell out of them. I am a musician and writer myself so not all musicians are not fit to commit. By the way, I know lots of musicians who are married or getting married with kids Its all on the person. Mine was obvioulsy not emotionally ready for the kind of commitment I wanted, but we are great friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts