How do you know when it's just paranoia?

[Puddle]

I keep reading everywhere that no guy is ever too busy to be with you if he's interested & single. Is this always the case, though? I have been seeing someone for 7 months on and off, mostly on. He has a lot of obligations like family, church, work, recording his music, etc. I can see he finds it hard to divide his time between all of those things as it is, let alone what he has with me. Most of the time he ends up coming over late at night, after he's done doing whatever it is he was doing, which sometimes he sends me pictures of. My friends seem to think that because he isn't always at my doorstep and calling me and contacting me all of the time, this must mean he has another girlfriend. I'm not saying this couldn't possibly be the case, but if he had another girl, how would he be able to spend the night at my house so often or long stretches of time with me? I never see him doing anything suspicious on his phone or trying to hide it from me. He even told me once I could have the code to his phone if I wanted. But I *don't* want it, because I think it's an invasion of privacy and I wouldn't want anyone looking in mine for that reason. There are only a couple things that make me suspicious, really. One is the fact that I haven't met his family yet. Quite a while ago he told me his parents instructed him not to bring anyone home to meet them unless he was serious about her. He dated the last girl for around the same length of time as he's been dating me, and he brought her home pretty early in the relationship but then it ended. Maybe he's trying not to make the same mistake of attaching his parents to a girl so quickly. A few weeks ago he explained to me that his family is a bunch of gossips who talk about each other and make up the stuff they can't actually verify. That now he just wants one thing to himself -his relationship- that they can't pick apart and criticize or judge. (On a side note, he hasn't met anyone on my side either, because I won't bring someone home unless I'm sure they are serious about me!) The other thing that bothers me is his long response times to my texts at times. That's nothing new really, he's pretty much always been that way. But it has never stopped getting on my nerves. (No, I don't expect him to text me constantly while he's at work or at church or sitting at the table talking to his mother over dinner, but if a man has time to go to the bathroom, he has time to text, right?) For those who may ask why I don't just ask him myself..unfortunately, it has never been easy talking to him about these things. He has trouble talking about anything emotional or problematic, in general. I think he thinks that if he doesn't talk about a problem, the problem doesn't exist. So that leaves me sitting and thinking way too much, looking up articles that tell me he's cheating, listening to my friends tell me he must have another girlfriend, analyzing everything he says & does, etc. Occasionally he does give explanations for things without my asking, just in the course of conversation. Some of the so-called "signs of cheating" are present in me also, yet I'm not cheating. My best friend says I'm just making excuses for him, but I only see it as trying to see both sides of the coin, finding explanations why he's not cheating alongside reasons he could be (instead of just making up my mind that he is, with no other possibilities existing.) I don't think jealousy is anyone's cup of tea, and I don't want to push him away by accusing him of something that might not be going on except in my head. I've always felt that once the antennas go up, it's time to walk away before the snooping, interrogating, and insecurity starts. But I also don't want to walk away from something that has potential, just because of my stupid girl insecurities. Does anyone else think that I'm just letting my friends and the internet get in my head and make me paranoid?

[minime13]

Paragraphs. That's too much text in one block to read.

 

However - I did catch that you have been in a 7 month off-and-on relationship. What does this even mean? Are you exclusive when you're on, and then you break up for a while? Or, are you just dating and not exclusive?

 

If his usual MO is coming over late at night after everything else he's done, you're a booty call.

 

Maybe you can give some examples of other times you spend together (like dates?), and give us an idea of what 7 months, on and off means, you can get a better answer.

 

And please use paragraphs. That is a headache to try to read.

[Puddle]

Paragraphs. That's too much text in one block to read.

 

However - I did catch that you have been in a 7 month off-and-on relationship. What does this even mean? Are you exclusive when you're on, and then you break up for a while? Or, are you just dating and not exclusive?

 

If his usual MO is coming over late at night after everything else he's done, you're a booty call.

 

Maybe you can give some examples of other times you spend together (like dates?), and give us an idea of what 7 months, on and off means, you can get a better answer.

 

And please use paragraphs. That is a headache to try to read.

 

Yikes, sorry, doing this on my tablet with two fingers. Lol.

 

We have broken up twice but kept in contact afterward. He comes back after 3-4 weeks and acts like we never broke up. Just restarts the clock and continues. We tried being just friends after last breakup but that only lasted about a week. To answer your question about exclusivity, we don't see other people, no. That is the understanding, anyhow.

 

I used to wonder if he was just booty calling me til I realized we don't always have sexual contact when we're together, even overnight. Last time he broke it off after an argument, he said he didn't want to date anyone but isn't a booty call guy either, hence why we tried the platonic friends thing.

 

It's embarrassing to admit that we do not often go out on normal dates like normal people, even though we have before. We don't have a set pattern for it. Some weeks I see him 2-3 times, one time it was every day for 2 weeks straight. Everything in between. I don't think he is hiding me, per se. My theories are that either he just has way too much stuff on his plate and has issues saying no to people who constantly ask him for this and that...or he's only minimally interested in me and is just passing time (when he has some.)

 

I can see that he cares about me; when I tell him about some mishap or another he always asks why I didn't call him, that I can call him anytime, even if he's doing something. But because I have become used to him being busy, I don't think to call him for help; I call someone I know *isn't* busy, because it just makes more sense to me.

 

The last time he came back after a break up and we fell back into our previous dating patterns, I asked him what type of relationship this was now. His reply was, "Do we really need a label, can't we just let it be what it is?" Perhaps we have two different understandings of what a relationship means, ours in particular.

 

I agree with responder #2 that he is giving me the part of my life that is available, which I have been appreciative of. But I'm realizing now that I may not be able to cope with a relationship on these terms forever. Especially when it leaves me with so much time apart that I start thinking things that may not even be true.

[minime13]

We have broken up twice but kept in contact afterward. He comes back after 3-4 weeks and acts like we never broke up. Just restarts the clock and continues. We tried being just friends after last breakup but that only lasted about a week. To answer your question about exclusivity, we don't see other people, no. That is the understanding, anyhow.

So, when you break up it's over small fights, and he is always the one breaking things. That's troublesome, because that will keep you at this mode of never getting serious. It's like he is training you to keep it light, and it's working.

 

I used to wonder if he was just booty calling me til I realized we don't always have sexual contact when we're together, even overnight. Last time he broke it off after an argument, he said he didn't want to date anyone but isn't a booty call guy either, hence why we tried the platonic friends thing.

 

The problem is him seeking you out after his day is over, and not really involving you in his day. If you always get together late at night, it seems like you're an afterthought.

 

It's embarrassing to admit that we do not often go out on normal dates like normal people, even though we have before. We don't have a set pattern for it. Some weeks I see him 2-3 times, one time it was every day for 2 weeks straight. Everything in between. I don't think he is hiding me, per se. My theories are that either he just has way too much stuff on his plate and has issues saying no to people who constantly ask him for this and that...or he's only minimally interested in me and is just passing time (when he has some.)

 

This is an issue. You really should go on dates. Otherwise, you really don't have much of anything. The distinction of a friend and someone you're dating is the dating. There are other things, obviously, but when you're dating someone you should date.

 

I can see that he cares about me; when I tell him about some mishap or another he always asks why I didn't call him, that I can call him anytime, even if he's doing something. But because I have become used to him being busy, I don't think to call him for help; I call someone I know *isn't* busy, because it just makes more sense to me.

 

Have you called him only to have him put you off when you need him? Are you not calling because you feel he won't be available to you in a time of need?

 

The last time he came back after a break up and we fell back into our previous dating patterns, I asked him what type of relationship this was now. His reply was, "Do we really need a label, can't we just let it be what it is?" Perhaps we have two different understandings of what a relationship means, ours in particular.

 

Yes, you need a label. His approach to "do we really need a label" speaks volumes, in my opinion. A label means commitment, which he doesn't want. You have allowed this sentiment by letting him leave when you have an argument, and stick around for good times.

 

This isn't a healthy relationship, because he has no commitment to you. If he did, he wouldn't keep breaking up with you. Honestly, he wouldn't have to cheat on you or date other women because he always has the security of just breaking up with you at will, and then you accepting him back when he wants to come back.

 

So, no, I don't think he's fooling around, when you're together, but since you allow him to come and go as he pleases, he's probably not going to be faithful to you.

 

Do you really want to waste 7 more months like this?

[Redhead14]

I keep reading everywhere that no guy is ever too busy to be with you if he's interested & single. Is this always the case, though? I have been seeing someone for 7 months on and off, mostly on. He has a lot of obligations like family, church, work, recording his music, etc. I can see he finds it hard to divide his time between all of those things as it is, let alone what he has with me. Most of the time he ends up coming over late at night, after he's done doing whatever it is he was doing, which sometimes he sends me pictures of. My friends seem to think that because he isn't always at my doorstep and calling me and contacting me all of the time, this must mean he has another girlfriend. I'm not saying this couldn't possibly be the case, but if he had another girl, how would he be able to spend the night at my house so often or long stretches of time with me? I never see him doing anything suspicious on his phone or trying to hide it from me. He even told me once I could have the code to his phone if I wanted. But I *don't* want it, because I think it's an invasion of privacy and I wouldn't want anyone looking in mine for that reason. There are only a couple things that make me suspicious, really. One is the fact that I haven't met his family yet. Quite a while ago he told me his parents instructed him not to bring anyone home to meet them unless he was serious about her. He dated the last girl for around the same length of time as he's been dating me, and he brought her home pretty early in the relationship but then it ended. Maybe he's trying not to make the same mistake of attaching his parents to a girl so quickly. A few weeks ago he explained to me that his family is a bunch of gossips who talk about each other and make up the stuff they can't actually verify. That now he just wants one thing to himself -his relationship- that they can't pick apart and criticize or judge. (On a side note, he hasn't met anyone on my side either, because I won't bring someone home unless I'm sure they are serious about me!) The other thing that bothers me is his long response times to my texts at times. That's nothing new really, he's pretty much always been that way. But it has never stopped getting on my nerves. (No, I don't expect him to text me constantly while he's at work or at church or sitting at the table talking to his mother over dinner, but if a man has time to go to the bathroom, he has time to text, right?) For those who may ask why I don't just ask him myself..unfortunately, it has never been easy talking to him about these things. He has trouble talking about anything emotional or problematic, in general. I think he thinks that if he doesn't talk about a problem, the problem doesn't exist. So that leaves me sitting and thinking way too much, looking up articles that tell me he's cheating, listening to my friends tell me he must have another girlfriend, analyzing everything he says & does, etc. Occasionally he does give explanations for things without my asking, just in the course of conversation. Some of the so-called "signs of cheating" are present in me also, yet I'm not cheating. My best friend says I'm just making excuses for him, but I only see it as trying to see both sides of the coin, finding explanations why he's not cheating alongside reasons he could be (instead of just making up my mind that he is, with no other possibilities existing.) I don't think jealousy is anyone's cup of tea, and I don't want to push him away by accusing him of something that might not be going on except in my head. I've always felt that once the antennas go up, it's time to walk away before the snooping, interrogating, and insecurity starts. But I also don't want to walk away from something that has potential, just because of my stupid girl insecurities. Does anyone else think that I'm just letting my friends and the internet get in my head and make me paranoid?

 

Have you ever had a conversation with him about what each of you is looking for out of your dating journeys? Are you two on the same page in terms of dating goals?

 

Have you ever had a conversation regarding exclusivity before or shortly after intimacy?

 

It appears he is at least being transparent with you in terms of what he's doing, etc. Not hiding anything as you said.

 

The reason you're feeling insecure is about lack of communication. Have a casual, non-pressuring conversation with him to find out what it is he wants in dating you or anyone.

 

He has a lot of obligations like family, church, work, recording his -- music, etc -- you've mentioned that he's not very communicative and I'm thinking you're wondering about his emotional availability. If he were so emotionally unavailable, he would not be participating in these kinds of things, i.e. church/community involvement. Does he have a good relationship with his family/siblings, etc?

Quite a while ago he told me his parents instructed him not to bring anyone home to meet them unless he was serious about her. -- They are right, a man shouldn't bring her home unless he is serious. Apparently, he's not there yet with you and that's another reason for you to open a conversation with him. Since he's not communicating and you're stressing about it, there's nothing wrong with you initiating the conversation.

 

If he tells you he wants to move forward with you for a relationship, you need to explain to him that his lack of ability to communicate with you on a deeper level makes you uncomfortable and awkward. Remind him that communication is very important in a relationship.

[h0000]

it's never just paranoia. you wish it was.

[smackie9]

Why are you hanging onto hope that he will eventually turn into this ideal BF? It's not so stop taking him back like a damn fool....nothing will change, when you let him have all the control. Take charge and dump the pr ick. Don't bother wasting your time "discussing" what you want, and how you want it to be. The reality is, he wants none of that....but has NP skirting around the subject, to confuse you and to doubt yourself so you won't catch him at his game.

[nadine5]

Puddle...

 

I just want you to know that I could seriously have written your post and signed it.

 

7 months here also. All. The. Same. Problems. With the dumping me, not wanting me to meet his family, too busy to see me, long response time on texts, only sees me at night, doesn't take me on dates.

 

I just want you to know I'm here for you and if you need to talk please message me. I am at a loss as well.