Marriage out of sync

[regret143]

Hi,

 

Me and my wife almost divorced last year. She was CRAZY. When I finally convinced myself that I would be living without her, she backed out and asked not to divorce. For the kids and for not being being always a perfect husband, I agree to a second attempt.

Things calmed down for a little, than got a little worse again and up, down, up down...

 

My big problem was lack of sex. Hers, lack of attention.

During our troubled period (and because of it), she cheated on me.

Now, she is trying really really hard to make our marriage a happy thing again. But I am just always angry and upset. And one of the main reasons, and the one I want to discuss today (there are more), is frequency of sex.

She never moved in with him, she would see him 2 or tree times a week and I have a feeling they would have sex once or twice a week.

With me, if I insist, I get once, rarely twice... but she is with me 7 nights a week! And I have the feeling is done as a duty. almost no foreplay, and right after orgasm, bathroom, then sleep.

 

She recently had a miscarriage (very early stage), and for the last 8 weeks sex was not possible. She swears she is desperate to have sex for the last week or two. Now I'm not sure I want... I'm angry about it. I do get a boner super easily, if she touches me I cant resist, but I'm avoiding her so I dont have the temptation.

 

I also think that she might just not be a big fan of sex. She doesnt orgasm, she has no erotic feelings on her nipples. She might just had that much sex with the other guy because she felt she was supposed to, and in a marriage you dont have to sexually perform to impress.

 

So, my feelings bounce between jealousy for her not wanting me as much as she wanted him, and sadness from the realization that that's how she is, frigid, and I have to give up being happy sexually if I want to be happy in family.

 

My options are:

 

-Divorce and find sexual happiness, loosing my kids, and harming her life and mine.

 

-Stay and accept that sex will not be a bright part of my life, and have a full family life.

 

 

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!

[Tayla]

you have other options. Since your an adult I respect and have confidence you can come up with other options to resolve this. Sorry that she betrayed you. There is no reason or excuse for that behavior.

[spanz1]

miscarriage? Or was it an abortion because she knew it was the other man's child? The whole deal sounds quit funny to me.

 

it sounds like you are her plan B. but no married man deserves to be the plan B.

[regret143]

Tayla, please help me... suggest some other options...

 

spanz1: This was a miscarriage for sure. she is not seeing him since last year. And I know that for a fact. I have many technological ways to track her down, and I can guarantee.

 

For me being the plan B... I thought that for a while, and for many months, I gave her hell. She endured it and gave blood to prove me she loved me. I still think that possibly, she is with me to keep the family structure, but that would also show she didnt like him that much, at least not anymore.

[whichwayisup]

Tayla, please help me... suggest some other options...

 

spanz1: This was a miscarriage for sure. she is not seeing him since last year. And I know that for a fact. I have many technological ways to track her down, and I can guarantee.

 

For me being the plan B... I thought that for a while, and for many months, I gave her hell. She endured it and gave blood to prove me she loved me. I still think that possibly, she is with me to keep the family structure, but that would also show she didnt like him that much, at least not anymore.

 

Isn't that a reason too as to why you don't want to divorce? To keep your family together under one roof?

 

Continue Marriage Counseling, be honest. If need be, explore more together, maybe unfortunately she isn't as attracted to you as she once was... it happens but that doesn't mean sex has to disappear. you spice it up, bring porn in, role play, go out on dates, make out in the car, be adventurous! Woo her, bring her flowers, hold her hand, connect with her on an emotional level, make her feel special, needed and loved. Maybe sexually she will open up to you again. You both have needs, so communicate them!

[SammySammy]

You don't have a full family life. A significant part of having a full family life is being given to another man. So, your second option is null and void.

[LuckyLady13]

My big problem was lack of sex. Hers, lack of attention.

 

Now, she is trying really really hard to make our marriage a happy thing again.

 

Good!

 

But I am just always angry and upset.

 

Not going to work!

 

I have a feeling they would have sex once or twice a week. With me, if I insist, I get once, rarely twice... but she is with me 7 nights a week! And I have the feeling is done as a duty. almost no foreplay, and right after orgasm, bathroom, then sleep.

 

From what you're saying, you don't know for sure how often they had sex. They may have had crazy, wild, passionate, awesome sex better than anyone has ever had in the history of mankind. Or, they may have cuddled and watched TV.

 

But, to me, it's very telling the way you said there's almost no foreplay, you guys have sex, she hits the bathroom then passes out. She may just be worn out after sex with you but the lack of foreplay still says a lot. I think she's missing something important having sex with you. And you said that she was missing attention in your marriage. I think you already had the answer all along as to what's going on.

 

if she touches me I cant resist, but I'm avoiding her so I dont have the temptation.

 

How are you making sense of doing this right now? How can this help?

 

I also think that she might just not be a big fan of sex. She doesnt orgasm, she has no erotic feelings on her nipples. She might just had that much sex with the other guy because she felt she was supposed to, and in a marriage you dont have to sexually perform to impress.

 

Women like to have sex when it's a great experience. Some men think nipples are numb and are way too harsh. If she's not having an orgasm (not sure since you said she is before a bathroom break and going to sleep), something is so seriously lacking here! I think she's not communicating with you though. You didn't say a word about her saying what she likes. You didn't say she's complained of something missing. If she's lacking in communication and you're angry enough to do some of the things you're doing right now, this is completely doomed.

 

So, my feelings bounce between jealousy for her not wanting me as much as she wanted him, and sadness from the realization that that's how she is, frigid, and I have to give up being happy sexually if I want to be happy in family.

 

She doesn't sound frigid, from what you've said yourself.

 

Look...at the time being, you sound more like you want to withhold sex and attention from her as a form of punishment because you're angry. I understand being angry. Not too many people like being cheated on. However, your marriage was on the rocks for a while and there were problems not being worked out. She could've just divorced you and did whatever (or whoever) she wanted from that point on.

 

If you're going to stay married, start finding out why she's showing a lack of interest in sex with you. She didn't get together with you when you first met because she found you ugly, boring and a turnoff! She wanted to be with you for some reason. And maybe, after enough time went by, you changed in ways that you started losing her.

 

I really think that if she hasn't seen this guy since last year and she's with you and showing strongly she wants this to work, if she's throwing you pitch after pitch and you never go to bat, you are the one dooming this. You're not going to be able to blame her when all of her attempts have failed with you.

 

Hope this helps.

[regret143]

After my last post, (i think next day) she called me saying she was desperate for sex. So I got home in time for sex before her friend show up to go to the bar with her (which is not a problem at all). I showed up 30 minutes before her friend, and it was enough time for sex, clean up, get dressed and put on some make up....

 

When she got home very drunk, she wanted sex again, which was really surprising. But it was also quick, and when I asked if she was gonna cum, she just said, "don't worry about me, just focus on you, because it's starting to hurt". It was hurting because there no natural lubrication.

 

After that night, i tried to have sex every night, unsuccessfully. Saturday night, we had a night out, then a couple of friends over for a drink or two. They left around midnight. We went to bed... Sex? No, "let's have sex in the morning". In the morning, it was father's day, and I had no sex.

 

This week I have given her a little more attention than usual, specially after we had sex. Except for today, after lunch, bc we had a big argument, that was unnecessary from me to bring up the subject... It was just my anger taking control of me again.

 

I don't know exactly what is the point of this post, I'm just updating the journal...

[spanz1]

if she is hurting from the sex....no matter what good intentions she has lately, she is not going to want a lot of sex. So, why the heck don't you have a bottle of lube in the bedroom and USE IT every time. she needs it, period.

 

 

I am not so sure letting her go to a bar with a friend, and her coming back home drunk is such a good idea. You say she did already cheat....and alcohol might be the trigger to allow her to slip up again. Maybe you should either go with her to the bar, or ask her to limit her drinking to not come home drunk ever again.

[Mr. Lucky]

After that night, i tried to have sex every night, unsuccessfully. Saturday night, we had a night out, then a couple of friends over for a drink or two. They left around midnight. We went to bed... Sex? No, "let's have sex in the morning". In the morning, it was father's day, and I had no sex.

 

You seem to view sex as a good conduct medal or part of a reward system, as per your Father's Day comment. Sex is a means, not an end and until you focus on the process you'll continue to be disappointed with the result.

 

I don't think either of you have fully dealt with the infidelity. Lots of baggage involved that seems to be affecting your current relationship.

 

Is counseling an option for the two of you?

 

Mr. Lucky