G/F's Past

[Plywoof]

his the abridged version of what happened. I'm trying to protect people but if you have any questions or want something explained more just ask.

 

I'm been dating a wonderful woman for a little over a year now. Lets call her Sarah. We've know each other socially for about five years give or take. In general we ran in different social circles with the only connection being my best friend "Matt" who's married to her old college roommate. We'd see each other at holiday parties, fourth of July ,etc. We'd flirt with each other but it was nothing serious. I was never interested in a relationship because my job would take me out of the country for months at a time. And I never really felt like it would be fair to get involved in something serious because of my work.

 

So over a year ago we are all out together and she asks me why I never asked her out. She pressed me on why and like I said it was my work. At the time I thought it was just one of those lines people use to gauge the other person's interest. Or maybe she thought my best friend had told me some horror story about her he heard his wife. So we started dating and it's going great. We enjoy each other's company and we complement each other perfectly. We share similar interests but are just enough different that you're not dating a clone of yourself.

 

So about a month ago I was having lunch with Matt and his wife. I tell them I'm thinking about asking Sarah to get a place together. I love her and want to take it to the next level. So when I ask them what they think Matt's face drops and he goes to say something. That's when his wife talks over him to say how happy she is for the two of us. This sets off alarm bells obviously in my head. A few days Matt and I go surfing and I ask him. Is Sarah cheating on me? He says No but that I should talk to her. Now I don't know what to think. He's my best friend but if his wife told him to lie he would. I have no doubt about that.

 

Jump ahead to last weekend Sarah and I are out to dinner. I still haven't asked her to move in or about what I should talk to her about. I was driving myself crazy like was she married, cheating, etc. I didn't want to confront her in the restaurant so I was going to take her to beach and talk. This was going to be the end or us moving forward.

 

This is where it gets crazy. As were getting up to leave a man in his mid fifties approaches us and calls her Eve. She goes completely pale and almost runs people over to get outside to my car. At this point I don't know what going on. After she leaves he looks at me and says "What a fun girl". Which even leaves me more confused. So I get in the car and she's in tears and shaking. I go to comfort her, she pulls away and wants me take her home. I try and talk to her but nothing.

 

The next day I call her and nothing. I thought maybe he was an older guy she had a fling with when she was younger and was embarrassed. I don't hear from her till Wednesday and all she says is we need a break. At that point I'm like WTF and go to Matt's house. I explain what happened and since she won't give me any answers that they could. His wife sighs and tells me that Sarah was an escort for almost ten years. She had called and told her what happened and didn't know how to explain it to me. The older man had been one of her long term clients. I didn't know what to say and just left. And I went on bender till this afternoon.

 

I like to think I'm progressive guy. I don't get jealous about past relationship or partners. We've all got stamps in our passports. But I just don't know if I can get past this. Part of me just wants find that guy and beat the **** out of him and the other just wants to take a job overseas and disappear for awhile. I don't know what to do, I can't talk to anyone I know because I don't want to expose her.

[todreaminblue]

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation...I havent had this happen in a very long time that i was recognised by a long term client...but when i did have it happen my bf at the time was aware of my past.....so i was able to say" i no longer work and wish him well........he didnt really argue my bf at the time wasa bouncer and looked like a bodyguard....so he went away rather quickly.....

 

its hard to explain to a guy you used to be an escort in my life i have been with guys who have accepted my past......they knew me when i was an escort....if i were to be serious with a guy and consider him a long term relationship prospect...i disclose early......to not waste time.....his or mine.....but...in saying that...you have to understand the fear felt when disclosing such a secret....there's the rejection....then there's the possibility of the guy being so totally disgusted he spreads it around like butter to his mates....other friends........my family are aware i was outed a long time ago.....my parents my step father, found out when i was an escort by hiring a private investigator to track me......he disowned me......

 

 

 

that could also be a concern ...if her family doesnt already know.....and hwo many people actually know.....it is humiliating to be outed......thats why i prefer the closest people i have in my life at any time to know my history...by me telling them and explaining why i ended up doing that........again...the humiliation...is complete humiliation......even telling is hard....when its by others....its crushing......

 

 

you have to do what feels right to you....i notice that you say had a regular client.......so that client is no longer seeing her.....so she is no longer working....i dont know what you must say or can say to her....i really feel you should think seriously about whether you can handle it take the time you need ...let her know you need to think about it for a while ...and be honest with her.......she will understand if its no you cant.....she has too..i would understand if it were me.....even though i would be hurt i would understand as will she understand i feel which ever path you decide on.........and you should follow what you heart says to you, take that path...i wish you well.......good luck...deb

[minime13]

Yikes. First off, what a d*** for calling her out in public about something so discreet.

 

Second, I feel that maybe this should have been a conversation she should have had with you by now, but can understand her being hesitant to do so. It's out now, so you both have to deal with it, and talk through it.

 

Take what you feel for her - is it diminished because of this information? Do you see her in a new light? If so, then perhaps this is a deal breaker. If not, then perhaps you can talk with her and work some things out.

 

Ultimately, it is up to you as to whether or not you can move past this.

[happyman64]

Plywoof

 

 

I think you need to have an honest, open conversation with your GF.

 

 

If you guys are getting serious maybe she should have had the conversation with you or maybe she was waiting for you to show a sign of how serious you were about her.

 

 

But give her the dignity by asking her for the truth.

 

 

And maybe she will give you the respect you deserve for handling her history like an adult.

 

 

Good Luck

 

 

HM

[Plywoof]

Thanks for the replies.

 

I love her and it would take alot more than this to change that. But I also feel betrayed that she didn't think she could trust me. I completely understand not bringing it up when we were first started dating buy we're at point now where talking long term future together. I'm not saying this isn't something that's not going to take time to process and maybe in the long run I won't be able to handle it. But after a year I would hope she would know me well enough that it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me. Its hurts me that I had to find out the details from her friend and not her. The same with her avoiding me. I left messages asking to talk on the phone or face to face whatever she wants. But nothing.

[Mrin]

Dude. Consider yourself man hugged by me.

 

That's tough stuff. one thing to consider is that "shame" is the lowest of all possible negative emotions. Lower that hate. Lower than envy. Nothing and I mean nothing rivals shame.

 

So that's what she's feeling right now. Utter and complete shame. And it is worse - because it is manifesting itself in this story - you will never find love. You and not worthy of love because of what you did. What you are.

 

Why would she willingly seek that emotion by telling you? Shame is the most awful emotion there is. Why would she go there when there was a chance, even the smallest, that it would never come up?

 

The woman is hurting right now. Really really badly. It isn't for you to fix unless you want to. You say that it would take more than this to end it for you. I want you to truly sit on that and consider it. Can you still love her. Love her like she wants to be loved and how you wanted to love her? Meditate on that and see where you end up. If you end up saying Hell yes I love her!!! Then do this.

 

Call her or write to her and tell her that. Tell her that you love her and you'll be damned if you will let her past get in the way of building a life together. That you choose her. For her. For who she is. And that you'll do couples counseling, you'll do whatever it takes to give your relationship the best chance it has for flourishing. That you are committed to making this work. That she is the angel in your eyes and that you want to work together in making a future.

 

But be sure you're truly committed.

 

Don't sweat her not telling you because if the shoe were on the other foot, you probably wouldn't have either.

Edited June 19, 2015 by Mrin

[Darren Steez]

I'd say run.

 

First she wasn't honest with you. This relationship wasn't some sort of fling, if you were at a comfort level to ask her to move in that shows how far it had progressed.

 

Yes it may not have been easy to broach the subject with you, but the way she's acting now towards you is almost punishing you when you've done zero wrong.

 

Embarrassed she maybe yes but you really can't hide these types of things. 10 years, this was/is a huge part of her life.

 

That guy might have been a douche but that's only one guy, think about when you're out and all the guys that could approach her and just say hi, what are you going to think?

 

She maybe fantastic but honesty is the cornerstone of every relationship. Now all you want is answers and she basically threw you to the wind instead of sitting you down and explaining that this was her job and this is what she did. Instead she breaks up and avoids your calls.

 

Not a great indicator of how she would handle difficult situations in your future.

[lolablue17]

She should have told you, but I wouldn't judge her too much for hiding it from you. She may have wanted to tell but couldn't find the courage to do so.

About the escort thing.

 

Well - 10 years is a long time. It's not a story of a young girl who needs the money, and do it for a year to save money for University or something... It was her profession.

 

She is now in her lowest point in life. When she's old, These days will be remembered as the most horrible days. From now on she is gonna be miserable and hopeless.

 

You can change that. You have that power in your hands to decide if she has a happy future, or the other way. I'm not advising you what to decide, and you have to think about your happiness, and if you can carry that heavy cargo.

 

But what ever you decide, don't lecture her, don't tell her she's not a good girlfriend, or anything.

[todreaminblue]

Dude. Consider yourself man hugged by me.

 

That's tough stuff. one thing to consider is that "shame" is the lowest of all possible negative emotions. Lower that hate. Lower than envy. Nothing and I mean nothing rivals shame.

 

So that's what she's feeling right now. Utter and complete shame. And it is worse - because it is manifesting itself in this story - you will never find love. You and not worthy of love because of what you did. What you are.

 

Why would she willingly seek that emotion by telling you? Shame is the most awful emotion there is. Why would she go there when there was a chance, even the smallest, that it would never come up?

 

The woman is hurting right now. Really really badly. It isn't for you to fix unless you want to. You say that it would take more than this to end it for you. I want you to truly sit on that and consider it. Can you still love her. Love her like she wants to be loved and how you wanted to love her? Meditate on that and see where you end up. If you end up saying Hell yes I love her!!! Then do this.

 

Call her or write to her and tell her that. Tell her that you love her and you'll be damned if you will let her past get in the way of building a life together. That you choose her. For her. For who she is. And that you'll do couples counseling, you'll do whatever it takes to give your relationship the best chance it has for flourishing. That you are committed to making this work. That she is the angel in your eyes and that you want to work together in making a future.

 

But be sure you're truly committed.

 

Don't sweat her not telling you because if the shoe were on the other foot, you probably wouldn't have either.

 

 

enlightened post...spot on and thoughtful...repeated in full for emphasis and op to read again..deb

[deadelvis]

I would say first you need to do some real soul searching. Figure out if you can really get over it. When my GF revealed she had worked as an escort I thought it wouldn't bother me, and at first it didn't... but as time went on it started really eating away at me. And my GF was only an escort for a short period of time. Sometimes it's easy to say "no big deal, we all have a past" but then down the road you might find it's not so easy to forget about those things. I personally don't think I could get over her being an escort for 10 years. If you asked me a year ago I'd say "no big deal" but now after having processed my girlfriend's confessions about being an escort, I can tell you honestly that I'm not as open minded as I thought it was. I still wake up at night with bad dreams of old men f***ing her. You need to really look inside and see if you can accept her past. Otherwise you will eventually end up suffering internally, or worse, shaming her for her past.

 

If you eventually come to the conclusion that you are really ok with her past, then I agree with Mrin 100%. But first you need really think about your honest feelings about this, and don't let your love for her cloud your thoughts. Darren Steez has a valid point. If you can't handle those type of situations and feelings coming up in the future (which I assure you, they will) then you might want to just walk away. You already mentioned beating up the former John's. That's a bit of an indication that you might not be as comfortable with this as you suggest. Can you really accept her past? Thats a question only you can answer. And you will have to really look deep inside yourself to find the truth. At first your heart will say "yes I love her!" but listen to the other voices too. There will be plenty of other voices saying things like "she's a whore!". You need to process the information longer before you can really know if it's actually something you can live with.

 

Best of luck. Much love and respect.

-DE

[kendahke]

That was a real ishtty thing that that guy did. I don't get why he felt he needed to convey that he's "pissed on that tree".

 

Having said that, once the "I love you's" were being exchanged between you two and it was becoming obvious that your feelings for one another were developing, Sarah should have told you about that. The truth is always going to burst to the surface when you can least afford for it to, so it's good policy to keep the light shining on dark areas, especially when you're bringing someone new into your life.

 

If you can truly be fine with her past, then cool. If not, then it would be best for you to end things before you get in any deeper.

[kendahke]

Thanks for the replies.

 

I love her and it would take alot more than this to change that. But I also feel betrayed that she didn't think she could trust me.

 

dont' frame it as a trust issue: she was probably terrified that you would judge her and turn on her, which is a real possibility.

 

...and maybe in the long run I won't be able to handle it. But after a year I would hope she would know me well enough that it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me.

 

Well, this is why she wasn't forthcoming---because you still don't know if you can handle it. It'd be different if you were saying "this wouldn't phase me and I would never let it enter into my thoughts". You're not saying that, so that's why she was afraid of telling you, even at this stage of the game.

 

Its hurts me that I had to find out the details from her friend and not her.

 

That wasn't her friend. A friend wouldn't do such a dickish thing as that. Someone with a low opinion of her and most likely of himself since he had to go buy some kitty to get some kitty would stoop to publicly embarrassing her.

 

The same with her avoiding me. I left messages asking to talk on the phone or face to face whatever she wants. But nothing.

 

Shame is a real and powerful thing in 2015.

[smackie9]

Good lord this is just as difficult for her as it is for you. There are many reasons why women end up on this path. Getting out of "the life" can be very difficult, and that could be why she was in it for 10 years. Many women are forced into this profession and they are so scared of the consequences if they leave.

 

Obviously she wants to move forward and have a normal life....but when was the best time for her to do this? how can she reveal such a thing without judgment? How can she move forward if her past keeps her back?

 

I think it would be wise to have that conversation with her about it. If you choose to move forward with this relationship, then she needs to be able to trust you. This is a very hurtful thing she has been dealing with in silence...she is so torn because she loves you, and it would be her wish to have a life with you. You see her as this wonderful person, so I hope for her sake you can be understanding and supportive, even if you decide to end the relationship.

[deadelvis]

It is worth noting that not every woman in this profession feels shame about it. Especially someone who worked that job for so many years. It is very possible that her reaction was the result of being "busted" and the guilt of having hidden it from him for so long. When he talks about this with her it is very possible that she won't express any shame or remorse for her former occupation.

 

In my experience many women in the sex trades are very unapologetic, and "own" their past choices without shame or guilt. Her reaction may have been purely a response to the embarrassing situation and being "outed" for her deception, rather than shame about her past profession.

 

If she feels remorse and shame, I think it will actually make things easier for you. You will find yourself feeling empathy rather than disgust. If she feels no shame for her past choices, it might make you really question her morality.

 

I really feel for you in this situation. It's a tough one. I wish the best for you both.

[Radu]

Thanks for the replies.

 

I love her and it would take alot more than this to change that. But I also feel betrayed that she didn't think she could trust me. I completely understand not bringing it up when we were first started dating buy we're at point now where talking long term future together. I'm not saying this isn't something that's not going to take time to process and maybe in the long run I won't be able to handle it. But after a year I would hope she would know me well enough that it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me. Its hurts me that I had to find out the details from her friend and not her. The same with her avoiding me. I left messages asking to talk on the phone or face to face whatever she wants. But nothing.

 

Bingo ... and not only that but she preferred to remove herself from your life instead of talking to you.

A bit too much drama.

Adults talk ... ppl have skeletons in their closet and they talk them.

They don't go crying like scared little kids in the night.

 

Also, Matt's wife is not a friend of your relationship ... she made her choice.

[Radu]

dont' frame it as a trust issue: she was probably terrified that you would judge her and turn on her, which is a real possibility.

 

 

 

Well, this is why she wasn't forthcoming---because you still don't know if you can handle it. It'd be different if you were saying "this wouldn't phase me and I would never let it enter into my thoughts". You're not saying that, so that's why she was afraid of telling you, even at this stage of the game.

 

 

 

That wasn't her friend. A friend wouldn't do such a dickish thing as that. Someone with a low opinion of her and most likely of himself since he had to go buy some kitty to get some kitty would stoop to publicly embarrassing her.

 

 

 

Shame is a real and powerful thing in 2015.

By not telling him, she removed the option of choice for him.

You do not do that to someone you love.

 

It is actually an egotistical action.

 

All her actions in fact, have been about herself, not about them or him.

I don't buy the shame thing that much, there is definitive hints that other ppl in their circle of friends knew about this, she suspected he was not interested in her because he knew about her past [and not because of his work].

 

She got the best relationship for her, and that's an OK thing ... in the beginning ... but once the relationship takes off and they are talking about moving in together at the 1yr mark ... you can't and you shouldn't hide this stuff anymore.

[No Limit]

This relationship is over; instead of opening up to you she's running away. Even your "friends" covered for her.

Also I wouldn't be surprised if this indicated that she's still an escort.

 

But, quite a good example of what makes this job still dangerous - many people like the guy who greeted her as Eve will enjoy blowing their cover. And while society may be open for a lot of things, it isn't open for prostitution. Don't even want to imagine how she must have felt, hence why she ran away like her life depended on it.

[drifter777]

I like to think I'm progressive guy. I don't get jealous about past relationship or partners. We've all got stamps in our passports. But I just don't know if I can get past this. Part of me just wants find that guy and beat the **** out of him and the other just wants to take a job overseas and disappear for awhile. I don't know what to do, I can't talk to anyone I know because I don't want to expose her.

Progressive is one thing but this is way, way past getting over "past relationships". I'm not progressive on this kind of thing so it would be impossible for me to continue with a woman that I considered morally bankrupt. But that's me. You question whether you could get past this and that makes me think you should maybe give it a try. But why you would want to beat up her one-time John is beyond me. First, his only context of her is that she is a hooker. Second, all he did was tell you - another John - that she was a lot of fun. If she was still in the business I guess he was giving her a solid recommendation. Whatever else you feel, don't waste any emotional energy thinking about that guy. He's one of many.

[todreaminblue]

It is worth noting that not every woman in this profession feels shame about it. Especially someone who worked that job for so many years. It is very possible that her reaction was the result of being "busted" and the guilt of having hidden it from him for so long. When he talks about this with her it is very possible that she won't express any shame or remorse for her former occupation.

 

In my experience many women in the sex trades are very unapologetic, and "own" their past choices without shame or guilt. Her reaction may have been purely a response to the embarrassing situation and being "outed" for her deception, rather than shame about her past profession.

 

If she feels remorse and shame, I think it will actually make things easier for you. You will find yourself feeling empathy rather than disgust. If she feels no shame for her past choices, it might make you really question her morality.

 

I really feel for you in this situation. It's a tough one. I wish the best for you both.

 

her crying and shaking after to me shows true remorse......her running away unable to face him shows complete shame....if she had no remorse she wouldnt care what others thought..............deb

[deadelvis]

her crying and shaking after to me shows true remorse......her running away unable to face him shows complete shame....if she had no remorse she wouldnt care what others thought..............deb

 

True, but i tend to think over ten years she probably would have left the occupation if she was really remorseful. I'd guess escorts make 10-20 thousand dollars a month depending on how many customers they "make a deal" with. When you make 6 figures a year and only work 3 hours a night, there's plenty of opportunity to get out of the business.

 

Women who really feel shame or remorse (excluding drug addicts) typically walk away from the profession once they get back on their feet (financially, no pun intended).

 

I would assume her crying and shaking is because she really loves him, and she's afraid he's going to leave her. The same reason she hid her profession from him. Obviously other people know about her job. She's not hiding it from others, just from him. To me that shows not shame and remorse, but rather that she doesn't want to jeopardize the relationship. She was upset because he found out. You think she cries like that after every night of work? Not likely. I would also venture a guess that she is still working as an escort.

[smackie9]

We have no details of what this woman went through and nor do you. I could just very well say she was shaking/ and shut down because she is still traumatized from being forced/held captive to support some pimp, beaten to submission, sold off to someone even worse, etc. and having to explain it to someone, reliving it all.

 

I suggest you watch a show called 8 mins on A&E. It really gives you first hand real life view of the psychological/physical aspects of what this profession does to these women. The majority of prostitutes are underground/street level crime run.....Pretty Woman was just a damn movie, not real life.

[ascendotum]

That was a real ishtty thing that that guy did. I don't get why he felt he needed to convey that he's "pissed on that tree".

 

If you can truly be fine with her past, then cool. If not, then it would be best for you to end things before you get in any deeper.

 

I suspect the way it went down the older guy was not "pissing on the tree". If he's been a long term client he was likely smitten with her, so when he saw her out in public maybe his instinct was to say hi stupidly. Maybe he thought she is still in the business and the OP was another client. I knew as soon as the guy called her by a different name that she was likely a hooker. 10 yrs it was basically her career or 2nd evening job. I'd say that would be harder for guys to take then the girl who did it for 3 mths to clear her credit card debt.

 

I would hazard a guess and say the vast majority of escorts or hookers would not confess to their bfs. I'd say big % of women these days will down play their own NSA sexual past let alone if they had this in their past, so I can't blame her for not coming clean. However if I was in the OP shoe's I would really want to know the real nature of my gf though and would be annoyed this big part of her life was lied about . It would freak out a lot of guys naturally, and quite a few would leave some will stay but it will damage their feelings,and some will take it in their stride as the really love her. I think he needs to put moving in together on the backburner for a bit and see how he copes now. As DE said he was fine initially but it was swirling in his mind further down the line.

Edited June 20, 2015 by ascendotum

[todreaminblue]

True, but i tend to think over ten years she probably would have left the occupation if she was really remorseful. I'd guess escorts make 10-20 thousand dollars a month depending on how many customers they "make a deal" with. When you make 6 figures a year and only work 3 hours a night, there's plenty of opportunity to get out of the business.

 

Women who really feel shame or remorse (excluding drug addicts) typically walk away from the profession once they get back on their feet (financially, no pun intended).

 

I would assume her crying and shaking is because she really loves him, and she's afraid he's going to leave her. The same reason she hid her profession from him. Obviously other people know about her job. She's not hiding it from others, just from him. To me that shows not shame and remorse, but rather that she doesn't want to jeopardize the relationship. She was upset because he found out. You think she cries like that after every night of work? Not likely. I would also venture a guess that she is still working as an escort.

 

you honestly have no idea how hard it is for some hookers to "leave " the profession, the degradation or the actual humiliation felt until you live it...i am sure that there are some who dont mind the lifestyle.......she doesnt seem to be one who is happy being recognised......the ex john saying she was a fun girl and her reaction to being recognised as in running away......totally contradictory....if she was a happy hooker...she would have made up some lie......covered her ass......she didnt...she panicked and ran....to me a runner....is scared or why run.......and i think its more than just op knowing.....she didnt even want to talk about it or try and explain she has gone radio silent..........

 

 

prostitution is a contradiction to being a respected woman......hardly anybody respects hookers......to enjoy that lifestyle you cant care about others or how they feel or think.....and then you are quite happy...but...if you are the type of person to feel self conscious and actually care about others ......its impossible not to feel shame.....

 

but

 

 

you have your views of ex hookers..i think not knowing her reasons it is hard to determine.......her motives or if she derived pleasure from ten years of being a human blow up doll for bored and often disrespectful men....and whatever reason you hold that view is yours to know.My view is as valid a view as well because i worked in many avenues of the sex industry...told when to spread my legs and for who and for how much....and I know what it feels like to be outed........deb

[Darren Steez]

her crying and shaking after to me shows true remorse......her running away unable to face him shows complete shame....if she had no remorse she wouldnt care what others thought..............deb

She has nothing to be remorseful for. This was a part of her life which she refused to share until caught.

 

I understand she might be ashamed, but if you love someone (who's done nothing wrong and simply might just want an answer at the most, at the least just to talk) then even if you can't face them, you talk to them.

 

Not breaking up, not not returning calls.

 

It's almost punishing the guy for her actions in not being truthful in the first place.

[Darren Steez]

We have no details of what this woman went through and nor do you. I could just very well say she was shaking/ and shut down because she is still traumatized from being forced/held captive to support some pimp, beaten to submission, sold off to someone even worse, etc. and having to explain it to someone, reliving it all.

 

I suggest you watch a show called 8 mins on A&E. It really gives you first hand real life view of the psychological/physical aspects of what this profession does to these women. The majority of prostitutes are underground/street level crime run.....Pretty Woman was just a damn movie, not real life.

That's speculation to be fair. For all we know she might have had a good agency, made good money etc etc.

 

Again yes she might be ashamed etc etc. But at the least, talk to the man you claim to love and that loves you and must at this moment be confused.