G/F's Past

[irishguy]

Well if she wont even talk to you to see how you feel about things , i think the relationship is over ,you probably should pack up any things she might have at your place and give them to her friends and just start to move on .

[smackie9]

How about relaying a message through her friend? It seems that this is the way she feels comfortable with to communicate with you.

[giblesp]

If a man says 'what a fun girl,' about your woman as she gets pale and runs away, you get in his face.

[elaine567]

I get the ashamed part totally.

 

However, if she is an escort, does she have a pimp or someone who controls her?

If she does, then being seen out with another man, by a client may mean she is in big trouble.

The guy who approached you, may be her Mr Pimp or her sugar daddy or someone influential she feels she needs to obey or pander to...

Going white wasn't fear of what you would say, it may have been because she knew the implications of being found out, seeing a man who was obviously not a client.

The sex industry is a tough game, she may be hiding because she is nursing bruises.

[Plywoof]

So I just wanted to say thanks again for replies and give an update.

 

After not hearing from her in almost a week, I decided to take a short contract out of state to clear my head. I got back and we finally talked. She apologized for cutting me off saying she was horribly embarrassed by everything. It was childish but I understand the reasoning behind it. We talked about her past and she explained how she got involved and the reasoning behind it. It was uncomfortable to hear but again that was in her past and it was something I could move past. I asked her if she was still escorting and she swore to me that she hadn't done it in years. And then I asked her if she ever planned on telling me and she said no. That to me was a dealbreaker and I decided we needed a break from each other.

 

That just reeks of a lack of trust in not just me but our relationship. I told her that if she couldn't trust me with that type of info there was no way a relationship could work longterm. We argued about that for a long time and I tried to explain to her if she kept that from me what else could she hide. That doubt is in my head now and I know it would grow. I don't want to be in that type of relationship, they're toxic. We eventually agreed we both needed some time on our own and to see where things go from here. Honestly I don't know if things will work out but strangely enough I feel really good about my decision.

[jbrent890]

So I just wanted to say thanks again for replies and give an update.

 

After not hearing from her in almost a week, I decided to take a short contract out of state to clear my head. I got back and we finally talked. She apologized for cutting me off saying she was horribly embarrassed by everything. It was childish but I understand the reasoning behind it. We talked about her past and she explained how she got involved and the reasoning behind it. It was uncomfortable to hear but again that was in her past and it was something I could move past. I asked her if she was still escorting and she swore to me that she hadn't done it in years. And then I asked her if she ever planned on telling me and she said no. That to me was a dealbreaker and I decided we needed a break from each other.

 

That just reeks of a lack of trust in not just me but our relationship. I told her that if she couldn't trust me with that type of info there was no way a relationship could work longterm. We argued about that for a long time and I tried to explain to her if she kept that from me what else could she hide. That doubt is in my head now and I know it would grow. I don't want to be in that type of relationship, they're toxic. We eventually agreed we both needed some time on our own and to see where things go from here. Honestly I don't know if things will work out but strangely enough I feel really good about my decision.

 

In my opinion dude, you could not have handled that situation any better. For me, whenever I approached a new relationship, I never asked a girl about her sexual past unless she did something that could heavily influence our future. Keeping something like being a prostitute is one of those things for me. In my opinion, a girl's sexual past is the one thing A Lot of men use to base if that women is relationship material or not. Even though I sometimes don't agree with it, at the end of the day we all have to have our own preferences. And I could understand where you are coming from. Even though she wasn't obligated to tell you about her past, in my opinion, being a prostitute is something you need to disclose, so that person can go into the relationship with his or her eyes open.

[ascendotum]

Personally in your shoes I would have liked to have known the full nature of my gf, even if she had slept with 300 guys for fun as opposed to $. When you say trust and lies though there are different aspects to it. I don't believe when a person tells one lie it automatically means they are going to be a lair about lots of other things in the relationship. Someone keeping a secret that they used to be a hooker or had sold drugs when they were young, or are a virgin, or had paid to use a hooker, or who used to regularly go out on weekends and have ons, or cheated on their exes a number of times or had had a number of abortions or used to shoplift and so on, means that they will lie about lots of other stuff. Its information that a lot of people would love to have about their gf/bf so they know them better, but its omission of info from their past and not a new direct deception within the current relationship, like say lying about still smoking weed or still gambling, or enjoying hardcore porn, or still seeing their ex behind your back or that they really love you and see a future when they really see you as temporary until something better comes along, and so on.

 

I am not going to try change your mind on your final decision as it is totally yours to make and you made it in discussion of the facts with her present. I'd expect the vast majority of escorts/hookers to keep their former life a secret from their future bfs or husbands. I bet most of her clients wont tell their gfs/wives they had used her services. I think if a man or women is going to drop that bombshell of a confessions, it is ideally better to do it early on in a relationship than say just before the wedding or years into the relationship. Quite a few partners then will feel bitter they were robbed of the chance to walk out much earlier.

 

Up till now she had taken the safe option and it had worked fine as both you and her were happy. IDK, what % of guys would break up with their gf if she confessed to this...maybe 80-90%. She could not know if you were going to be the smaller % that was going to be fine with her past. As much as I understand your position I understand her reason for keeping it a secret too. Lots of women on LS and women I know IRL are not going to be upfront about their sexual past, and to me your gf's past is bigger deal to keep secret (from her perspective of course). I don't think omission of info is a lie, but many on here do. I think for most guys the issue would have been her past and not her behavior and how she treated them in the relationship. I reckon there is a big % of people out there who are not fully 100% upfront with their true nature or past. Of course none of us wants that when it comes to our gf/bf.

[Plywoof]

I'd be lying if I said her past occupation doesn't bother me but not enough to end things with her. My biggest issue is that she would have never told me about that part of her life. I know a few people including my best friend and his wife know of her past and a couple of their girlfriends. That really bothers me and I feel like there was a plan to lie to me. So I can't help but think if she would withhold that from me what else is she hiding. I was very open about things from my past that weren't very flattering. So I expect the same from someone I'm in a relationship with.

[smackie9]

I feel sorry for her, because this is something that is very difficult to talk about...she isn't proud of it, this has been a ball and chain around her neck....this has again ruined any chance for happiness for her. It's possible she did try the honest route and all it got her was rejection over and over. I sympathize with her to not reveal her past. It was a long time ago, she just wants to move forward. How can anyone really recover from this and have anyone accept them? This is very heart wrenching for her....I think people need to see it from her perspective. It seems she will never be able to erase the prejudiced.

[bubbaganoosh]

I think you did the right thing. If she was willing to keep this from you and you found out about it ten years down the road it could have been a disaster.

 

Just let it go and move on. You saved yourself a lot of heartache.

[irishguy]

The fact that your best friend knew and you were never meant to find out , you might want to have a word with him but i think he would have told you if it came to it .

[ascendotum]

The fact that your best friend knew and you were never meant to find out , you might want to have a word with him but i think he would have told you if it came to it .

I agree. My guess is the friend found out through his missus who knew the escort gf. She probably told her husband about her secret life some time ago before the OP and the former escort lady got together, and swore him to keep his mouth shut. He was stuck between allegiance to the OP and his wife.

[Plywoof]

So another little mini update.

 

I had lunch with my best friend and his wife yesterday. I find out this was just a way for the both of them to corner me in a way. They were pushing for another reason why I wanted to take break. That the idea of her not telling me was just an excuse for something different. I even got the did you cheat question which I found really offensive. Over the course of the convo I explained they both knew why this was such an issue with me. In a previous relationship I held something back from my past that completely ruined it.

 

A not so little backstory to this. When I was a kid my next door neighbor was a girl name Sophia. We grew up together, hell my mother has pictures of us in a kiddie pool when we were toddlers. We played together and then once girls didn't have cooties she was my first everything. Kiss, dance, awkward attempt at removing a bra and eventually virginity too during our sophomore year. We were inseparable, I loved her with everything I had. Then came graduation and college. We were going to schools on opposite ends of the country. We both made a hard decision to breakup, it killed me but it was probably the smartest thing I ever did under the age of thirty. We'd see each other during breaks and we both were free to date. Even then I knew how hard LDR were let alone being 18 and full of hormones. I didn't want the jealously monster to make us hate each other. Over the course of the next three years we'd see each on breaks at home. I even turned down a trip to Cancun during spring break to go home and see her. Because no matter how hard I tried that connection was always there. If we dating someone else, nothing happened but when we were both free it was like we had been dating the whole time. Before anyone calls me out about emotionally cheating, I'm not denying it. Nobody could live up to her in my eyes and I used a lot of wonderful girls trying to replace her. She said the same thing to me. It was then we made the decision to go for it, she was going to transfer to my college after fall semester.

 

Flashforward a few weeks and I get the worst call of my life. Its Sophia's dad, she had been killed in a car accident. I can't even explain what I felt at that moment and I really don't remember what happened afterwards. My bestfriend was with me then and he just says I kept muttering no over and over then I fainted or blacked out. After the funeral I hated everything I was a complete SOB to everyone. I was going to marry this girl and have a family and then it was gone. I just needed to get away so I sold my car and everything I could and flew to SE Asia. I loved to surf and delusions of being some wandering zen badass like Patrick Swayze in Point Break, minus the bank robberies was the answer. Instead I basically drank, screwed and took every drug I could to make the pain disappear. This went on for almost two years, I kept in minimal contact with my mother where I was but thats it. And then I OD'd. I'll spare the gory details of my rehab and recovery. After I couldn't go back to school too many memories, so I joined a skilled trade union.

 

A couple years later I feel ready to try date again. It sucked at first I was so out of practice but I eventually I hit off with Krista. I'll be short with this. She was great everything I needed. We dated and to my surprise I found myself falling in love with her. Of course I this felt like a betrayal of Sophia in my head and I went to back my shrink who helped me through the rehab. She told me if I went there I might as well stick a needle in my arm again. Harsh but she was right and it was what I needed to hear.

 

I still kept in contact with Sophia's parents, I loved them. I always called them on holidays and stopped by when I visited home. I got a phone call from her mom on the seven year anniversary of her death. I could tell by her voice she was struggling. She asked me how I was doing and if I was seeing anyone which I said yes. I instantly regretted it but she was so happy for me and said Sophia would be too. Then she told me she wanted to send a package of some her stuff to me. It was a week later I got it and I broke down. Old pictures of us, an old highschool sweatshirt of mine she always wore even her old diary with a note from her mom saying I should read it. That's when Krista found me on floor in tears, she thought my mother had died.

 

This is where it ties into my current problem. I never told Krista any of this, it wasn't intentional I just didn't want to relive that pain. But after that things changed. Don't get me wrong she was completely supportive but she said how hurt she was that I never told her. I explained about not reliving it, etc but I don't think she got it. Not her fault of course. This went on for a couple months til it exploded. She flat out asks me so I'm basically just your second choice. And if I was the second choice how could she believe that I actually loved her. She then accused me of cheating because if I could hide that from her what else could I be hiding. So maybe she should go and hook up with someone to even it out. After that it got really nasty and she left. I tried calling her for days and nothing. So I did what I was always do and ran. I didn't relapse or anything but took a job out of the country. If she had cheated on me I know I would have used again.( I eventually found out she didn't cheat, just hid out at one of g/f houses for a week) The contract was for a six month job. When I got back obviously things were over with Krista, I never talked to her that whole just reinforcing what she thought.

 

This what my bestfriend and his wife were talking about. They both said I'm projecting these two events onto whats happening now. That I should forgive her and remember how I felt about not talking about past trauma. I'm too scared to let myself fall again. Any thoughts? Thanks to whoever reads this massive long winded post.

[Omei]

It sucks to hear OP that her not telling you is a dealbreaker.

 

All this junk about her being dishonest is a load of you know what...

 

Ones past is their own she isnt required to share her past with you, she should be able to have her past secrets and keep them obviously shes a total different lady now and doesnt wish to talk about the past with anyone, a person has a right to their own past. Just because you start dating someone doesnt mean you now have the rights to all knowledge of their past mistakes or how they lived ultimately thats up to them to share. The only honesty shes owes you is while you're in the now together, and when you found out she ended up having to share something she no longer wanted to share so thats being pretty honest in my books she could have easily and rightfully said I dont wanna talk about it.

 

It must if been hard for her as smackie says and she didnt want to tell you about a time when she was someone else and have you view her as someone she is now not, but you're going to judge her anyway it seems so w/e I guess everything that happened between you two doesnt count anymore because of her past.... she deserves someone who will love her for who she is now and move forward instead of looking to her past which again she has every right to keep it to herself as it is a past that you were not apart of.

Edited July 23, 2015 by Omei

[jbrent890]

It sucks to hear OP that her not telling you is a dealbreaker.

 

All this junk about her being dishonest is a load of you know what...

 

Ones past is their own she isnt required to share her past with you, she should be able to have her past secrets and keep them obviously shes a total different lady now and doesnt wish to talk about the past with anyone, a person has a right to their own past. Just because you start dating someone doesnt mean you now have the rights to all knowledge of their past mistakes or how they lived ultimately thats up to them to share. The only honesty shes owes you is while you're in the now together, and when you found out she ended up having to share something she no longer wanted to share so thats being pretty honest in my books she could have easily and rightfully said I dont wanna talk about it.

 

It must if been hard for her as smackie says and she didnt want to tell you about a time when she was someone else and have you view her as someone she is now not, but you're going to judge her anyway it seems so w/e I guess everything that happened between you two doesnt count anymore because of her past.... she deserves someone who will love her for who she is now and move forward instead of looking to her past which again she has every right to keep it to herself as it is a past that you were not apart of.

 

I whole-heartedly disagree with this. I agree in the sense that a person's past should remain there, but only if it does not influence their future. I'm sorry, but being a prostitute has a huge bearing on future relationships due to all the baggage she brings with her. I love the notion that the past is the past, but are certain things that someone needs to know. Being a prostitute is one of them.

[elaine567]

So another little mini update.

 

I had lunch with my best friend and his wife yesterday. I find out this was just a way for the both of them to corner me in a way. They were pushing for another reason why I wanted to take break. That the idea of her not telling me was just an excuse for something different. I even got the did you cheat question which I found really offensive. Over the course of the convo I explained they both knew why this was such an issue with me. In a previous relationship I held something back from my past that completely ruined it...

 

This what my bestfriend and his wife were talking about. They both said I'm projecting these two events onto whats happening now. That I should forgive her and remember how I felt about not talking about past trauma. I'm too scared to let myself fall again. Any thoughts? Thanks to whoever reads this massive long winded post.

 

Your friends are very smart.

[smackie9]

Your ex proved her self to be insensitive because there are a lot of people that are not ready to disclose a tragic event because of the painful memories...and also want to move forward with life not wallow in misery of the past. I think you dodged a bullet with your ex. If she loved you unconditionally she would have empathy, and would have understood. I believe she was jealous of the fact this girl had such an impact on your heart...over shadowing her. That's selfish to think that.

 

I feel your friends are right. I'm not saying your GF did the right thing....she wasn't ready, as it is probably a very painful subject for her.

 

But it's not up to us to say what we think....it's what YOU think is important here.

 

If it's a deal breaker for you then that's it....there is nothing left to discuss. Question is....why are you still discussing this? Are you having second thoughts about your decision? Are you considering giving her a chance???

[Chi townD]

Wow...this is a hard one. Because I can see both sides to this. I understand why you wanted to break up, especially after she told you she had no intention of telling you of her past. Makes you wonder what else isn't she telling you.

 

 

But, I see her side too. She didn't want to tell you because she is so ashamed of her past that she wanted to bury it and forget it ever happened. Because that's not who she is now. The girl she is now; well, she's already showed you. She's kind, loving and caring. She seems to be over the moon about you and would probably do anything to make you happy. Why? Because you make HER happy. She found someone she loves in YOU. And when you found out, as much as loves you, she wanted to let you go. Because, she probably thought you deserve better that her. Her past came back to haunt her and she already judged herself and found that she wasn't worthy of you or anyone loving her. So, she was sparing you the awkward conversation of ending it with her and she set you free.

 

 

But, you wrote something and I want you to think about this because it could be very interesting to think about. You wrote that a couple years back, you partied, drank and did every drug under the sun. What if she lead a normal life, but she discovered that you did drugs and a lot of them. What if she wanted to end it with you because she never envisioned falling in love with a dopehead. Well, that hardly seems fair because that's not who you are now! If she asked you if you intended to ever tell her or volunteer this information, you would probably say "no". Why? Because that was in your past and it's NOT WHO YOU ARE NOW! So, the question is how is this situation any different in it's foundation?

 

 

I mean, if you think about it and set aside her past; just forget about it and think to the girl that she is with you. Does she treat you right? Does she love you? She must have because you wanted the two of you to move in together. You saw a partner in her. Someone to walk through this life together hand in hand and side by side.

 

 

Now, her past IS a hard pill to swallow. I totally get that. But, you need to ask yourself, is that who she is now?

 

 

In my opinion, I think you need to do some soul searching before you do anything rash. Think about what I wrote and see if that makes any sense to you.

[Plywoof]

We didn't break up but I made it clear to her that I just need a little time to think. We're still talk and see each other, its a weird limbo state.

 

When it comes to my past I was completely honest with her and I understand how hard it is sharing that kind of info. Trying telling someone you're falling for that you almost died on beach with a needle in your arm. So trust me I get her fear. I trusted her enough to tell her my past and it hurts that she couldn't do the same. Add in the fact that she said that she would have hid it forever makes it worse. If she didn't plan on telling this I can't help but think what else would she hide or is hiding. That's what I'm having trouble getting over.

[casey.lives]

i spent a whole.. an entire year with a guy who never asked me ONE question about myself .. and when i wanted to know a little about him, he shut off. I regret not fishing further because he ultimately was still very passionately deeply in love with his ex live in GF, to my shock.. So peoples past can effect the relationship but with your GF, i don't see why she should have said anything. I can understand wanting to know because it gave her herpes on account of it but it doesn't play into the present, like being in love with an ex GF does, what does it matter?!

[smackie9]

Her saying she would have never told you, is how horrible she feels about it (and how much she hates it ever being a part of her life). She wants to be completely disconnected from it....she doesn't want to be labeled as the "ex prostitute".

[ascendotum]

I mean, if you think about it and set aside her past; just forget about it and think to the girl that she is with you. Does she treat you right? Does she love you? She must have because you wanted the two of you to move in together. You saw a partner in her. Someone to walk through this life together hand in hand and side by side.

 

 

Now, her past IS a hard pill to swallow. I totally get that. But, you need to ask yourself, is that who she is now?

 

I do see both sides to the story on this. Personally having known a few hookers a couple of which I thought would make great gfs, I could over look such a past, but on a case by case basis. I totally understand a hooker wanting to keep that past a secret, but I also would feel really deceived, shattered & annoyed if I discovered it a number of years down the line.

 

I don't fully buy the 'my past is totally my business and none of my bfs/fiance/husbands' line. Sure some people have regrets from their youth, but that's not the case here. She worked for a decade in the industry into her late 20s or maybe even early 30s. I don't buy the line from some here that she is now a totally different person, and that decade has nothing to do with her real nature. I do agree with your first paragraph though.

[Haerts]

Well, I can understand her side. I believe she would never tell you because she's embarassed of it. You didn't HAVE TO tell her about your past either, you chose to.

 

Your past is in your past. If for some reason it pops up, then you should be honest and speak about it. And that's where I think she went wrong. When that jerk asking for Eve appeared, she should've talked to you about it, give you her reasons and then you guys could move forward, instead of running back home like a child and hiding from you. But once again, it's her past, now who she is now, apparently.

 

Also, you said you both make a great couple! It seems like there's nothing you can complain about, so why not try to have another serious talk, make it a place for you and her to share anything that may cause problems in the future and then move forward?

 

On another note, it's funny how karma does get around. You hid stuff from your ex and now you have a girlfriend that hid something from you. I love this side of life that makes you learn from your own mistakes by making you play the starring role in them afterwards. I believe it's the best way to learn.

[66Charger]

We didn't break up but I made it clear to her that I just need a little time to think. We're still talk and see each other, its a weird limbo state.

 

When it comes to my past I was completely honest with her and I understand how hard it is sharing that kind of info. Trying telling someone you're falling for that you almost died on beach with a needle in your arm. So trust me I get her fear. I trusted her enough to tell her my past and it hurts that she couldn't do the same. Add in the fact that she said that she would have hid it forever makes it worse. If she didn't plan on telling this I can't help but think what else would she hide or is hiding. That's what I'm having trouble getting over.

 

To be honest, if you can not wrap your head around why a woman would want to take to her grave she was a prostitute, you are either naive or stupid. Of course she would hope and pray this never came to light. She finally found a man who looked at her, loved her and said lets move in, maybe get married and have some kids. I 100% agree with you if you cant get over the prostitute issue, but to seperate because she wished to take this to her grave?

 

I 100% disagree with that. That is naive bro and really unfair. Straight up. The damage that prostitution does to a woman last a life time. She wanted this dead. Period and i don't blame her. She had a chance to have a new life. What happened was a lesson why you should disclose, but that doesnt erase her fear and desire for a life FREE of her past.

 

So what should you do? If the prostitution is really the issue, leave her alone. If not, this one you should give a pass. It is wrong thinking but understandable.

 

If you do love her. Stop making excuses. Move. Out of state. Give her a fresh new start, with you in a strange land. She will stay with you forever, be free of her past and grateful for your understanding and forgiveness for her ommissions. She has been taught a lesson. Teach her another. Know what you are doing. Dont mess with her head.

 

Ps. This is advice to myself also, since our stories parrallel. I have not taken it but i am trying.

[Plywoof]

We figured things out. I'm wanted to post this before heading off to work.

 

Last night I invited her over. I made dinner and we talked. I had went over what everyone here had told me and made a game plan.

 

I told her yes her being an escort did bother me at first but who am I to judge someone's past. But I made it clear that I never judged her as a person for it and it doesn't define who she is in my eyes. But I also explained the reason I was upset at her for not telling me. Had I known I would have been able to be her buffer against this guy. I wanted her to know I'll be there for her during anything. Trust me with your baggage I can and want to handle it.

 

This is where I feel stupid. She told me that she thought I never could look at her the same again. That when the guy approached us he had ruined her in my eyes. She also said that she knows men have trouble dealing a g/f's "number" and because she escorted I would blow up in my mind. Her fear was all about how I saw her.

 

It took a few hours but we worked it out. Both of us made apologizes and laughed at how stupid we both were. We always talked everything to death and somehow this took us weeks to work through. I'm going to ask her to move in next week, I didn't want to drop to much on her at once.

 

I'm typing this before work and she's in shower. So really thanks again ladies and gentlemen for the input.