What are your thoughts on this??.....

[Laurynn]

I know I'm longwinded so I'll try to keep this short.

 

I met a guy through the online personals. He's 37 (I'm 33). He has a great career, is independent, great sense of humour. We've emailed a bit but have talked mostly on the phone. He's been anxious to meet, wanted to drive out to the mountains this weekend (meet for the first time). I'm not sure if he meant MEET out there, or go together. I'm not comfortable with either...I wouldn't drive all that way to meet someone for the first time (what if they stood me up?)..and I sure as heck wouldn't drive out of town with some stranger.

 

Anyway, he suggested we go for coffee today or tomorrow. I'm pretty busy with school during the week, and on weekend "days" (which he doesn't seem to understand).....so although I did say I'd call him today and let him know how things were going as far as meeting for coffee, I ended up emailing him early this morning and suggesting that INSTEAD, maybe we could meet this evening for a drink......I find that a lot less nerve wracking then meeting for coffee. I guess the casual atmosphere of a nice pub/lounge, along with a drink (LOL) helps ease the awkwardness of meeting a stranger.

 

So he just calls me now. Tells me that something at work requires him to be there for the next three hours, and that he can't meet for drinks tonight becuz Saturday night is his USUAL night to go for drinks with his brother. Now instead of suggesting that maybe we do something tomorrow, he ended by saying that we'd talk later in the week and see what was up.

 

Well I guess posting this is pointless because I've already made up my mind that I won't be giving this guy the time of day in the future.

 

He was so anxious to meet, but now his 'usual' night out with his brother is more important than meeting me. If that's something he does every Saturday night, what's the big deal? Is he looking to meet someone/become friends and see where it goes, or does he want to have a relationship with his brother? LOL

 

The least he could have done, was invite me to wherever it was that he and brother meet for drinks. He didn't, so I say 'screw him'.....

 

I'm always astonished by people's rudeness. I guess I should completely give up on meeting someone through the personals.

 

Laurynn

[JustAGirl]

Hey Laurynn!

 

I think you're right (as usual) ... if his freaking brother is more important than meeting u, he can go have fun with his brother... and the mountains ideas sounds weirdish too... "screw him" sounds about right...

 

Just my thoughts...

 

good luck

[UK guy]

Mmm I think you`re right with the "screw him attitude". For him to be giving out such mixed signals at this stage doesn`t offer much promise for the future. He doesn`t seem as genuine as he makes out and this can only be bad, A second chance i think would have to come at a price. Sorry there`s not much to go on... You don`t know him personally and people can hide a lot about themselves when communicating like this no body language etc. But I suppose you could settle your curosity by meeting up for a drink at a later date. If you wanted.

[Dragonflys]

You are a gem!!

 

Don't drive the poor guy nuts BEFORE you meet him...

 

He offered to drive in from the mountains, suggested plans on the weekend - you rejected both..now you suggest one plan and are upset he does come bounding from the hills panting with glee!!!.

 

Sheeesh!

 

Remember, as Tony keeps saying, the best relatiosnhips are between two people with have lives of their own. You have a life..you should respect he has one too. He may really treasre his time with his brother, may have important things to discuss, and in addition he may be shy organising a date with someone he has never met in person in front of his brother (doesn't sound wierd to me).

 

Geez, you do more analysing than I do...and that's an achievement!!...don't analyse yourself out of a possible good relationship.

 

Darling, give him a go....he sounds like a good bloke.

 

Oliver

[Laurynn]

Yes, I know I do overanalyze things...that's actually part of my charm *silly grin*

 

Even the first time we emailed, he was hinting that we either take a drive out to the mountains (it's about an hour out of the city) or meet there (not really sure which). I thought to myself...."whooooooooa!" You don't meet a complete stranger that way, or I surely don't. It would be absolutely stupid to think I'm going to drive an hour out of town, to the mountains with someone I know nothing about (other than what he's told me, which could be pure BS..the guy could be a nutcase, violent type, rapist type, etc). And I think it's awfully stupid for me to drive THAT far to meet him for the first time, when we actually only live 20 minutes away from each other. Why make things a big production when you meet for the first time? Go for coffee or a drink. What's the big deal with that? Something short, sweet..so that if you don't 'click', it's no big deal.

 

The reason he DID call me today, part of it was, to tell me that he couldn't make it for coffee afterall, something to do with work. Then the deal with being busy tonight, having to do the 'weekly brothers night out thing'. Fine. But how serious is he about meeting? Yeah, I'm close to my sister too....and if we had a weekly girls night out, and I had the chance to meet someone I professed interest in getting to know, I doubt very much that it would 'kill me' to change my routine for one week. Duh. Why place a personal ad if you're not a little flexible?

 

And what about meeting up tomorrow? Last night on the phone he suggested either doing something today or tomorrow (coffee or drive to mountains). Now because he's busy this afternoon, and has these heavy duty plans with bro, tomorrow's off too? I get the feeling I was getting the blow off. Oh well, it really doesn't bother me all that much. In fact, I couldn't care less. I just think it's a little funny that for 2 weeks, he's been hinting that we go to the mountains to 'meet' and I suggest something easy and reasonable, and now that's no good. Who knows? Maybe there's a reason he wanted to get me out into the mountains? Maybe he's a freak?

 

Ahhh, whatever. I realize that everyone has a life, and I don't expect him to change his to confirm to mine or my wishes, but either you want to meet or you don't. Don't waste my fricken time.

 

Laurynn

[Dragonflys]

Laurynn

 

I get your point.

 

Maybe his insistence on making such a big thing of it means he needs to feel he has to woo you properly..maybe he is not such a good guy after all....I mean he now goes and hides behind his brother when you wanna just keep it light and simple.....awww geez now you've got me started!!!

 

He might be a bum, but then again there is a 5% chance he is all right..take the odds and just suggest again to meet for coffee. If he continues to mess you around then forget him, but he should go for it and it will do no harm.

 

Now when you start obsessing about the first date come back here and uncle Oliver will attempt to help...

 

It's cute the way you try to over-analyse your way out of things

 

 

Oliver

[Laurynn]

..and I'll tell you something else that doesn't make sense

 

*analytical mode revved up* LOL

 

When I first met him (online), he was a little vague about what he did for a career. I finally managed to wiggle it out of him, he stated he was a 'business consultant' for a particular food chain here (meat products).

 

Okay.

 

Then he tells me that his educational background is a Degree in Corporate Psychology from some Univ. in TX

 

The other day, he said he'd be really busy all week because he had some accounting to do for the business. Since when does a Psych Degree give you Accounting experience? LOL

 

He also told me that he used to be a Social Worker. Wow, this guy sure got a lot of mileage with a Corporate Psych Degree. Hmmmm.

 

Okay. Today. He calls to tell me that one of the freezers in one of the stores went on the fritz and everything is melting all over, so he has to spend the afternoon dealing with this.

 

Um, does this sound like part of the job description for a "business consultant"?? It doesn't to me.

 

Now, onto matters related to his picture.....Also, the picture he has posted in his profile is from 3 yrs ago. I asked him a couple weeks ago if I could see a more recent one (people can change a lot in 3 yrs...my pic is recent, I expect the same). He hemmed and hawwed, said he didn't have any recent pics, then said he had some but didn't have a scanner at home, but did at work. We last talked (before last night), the past Sunday night. He told me that he'd scan a pic from work and get it to me Tuesday because he'd be so busy Monday. Well okay, it's now Saturday. I asked him (jokingly) about the picture thing last night. He said he's just been sooooooooooo busy, and again, has a pic but no scanner at home. So what's up with this?

 

I love to analyze things, okay.....it's a passion of mine *hahaha* I suspect there's something 'up' here......a few things don't add up. I don't care enough to sit down and invest time in trying to figure them out. Like I said, I couldn't really care less. Maybe one has to wonder why this 37 yr old guy who appears to have so much going for him, is still single. Hmmmmm.

 

Laurynn

[Dragonflys]

Yep, you're good, you don't just need uncle Ollie, you need Dr. Tony, auntie Sparkle, reverend Fishbulb, the whole bloody gang!!.

 

The guy probably works for McDonalds flipping burgers..it fits...he works with meat products, has problems with freezers, and his social work probably involves training 15-year olds. Now this is shiftwork, and if he used his time well he could still complete his corporate psych and accounting degrees..

 

See, I have worked him out. You can nail him by asking he if he would like to enjoy a milkshake with you at his local Maccas..if he squirms you've got him!!!.

 

The whole thing about internet and phone communication is that you really have no idea about a person..seriously..I have been talking to this girl (friends only) for 6 months on the internet and phone and I still get surprises.

 

So fill in the gaps by meeting him..

 

Oliver

[Tony T]

I think if you are entitled to change your mind and send him email stating such change, he is certainly entitled to reject the counter proposal as to time and place.

 

It's unfortunate that we sometimes rush to judgement in these cases. There are many personal aspects to his meeting with his brother on this specific evening that he may not prefer to discuss with you. They could be needing to discuss family business, a dying mother, a sister who needs help, etc.

 

However, you must go with your feelings. Under the circumstances, I think you were both entitled to your schedule adjustments and perhaps it would have been nice to have tried to compromise on a date later on in the week.

 

I have seen many wonderful relationships start out a bit choppy like this. While it would have been truly nice for him to have bent his schedule, not stayed at work, stood up his brother, etc., I have to admire a man who keeps his commitments. And I don't want to second guess the nature of all that.

 

Making compromises and working things out like this early on can show each other a side of yourselves that can be very attractive in someone we would consider for a long term relationship.

 

I do respect your decision to cut him off at the pass. But unless he spoke to you rudely, I don't think it was rude of him to reject your counter proposal...but it's quite OK for you to interpret it that way.

 

Unfortunately, you will never know but there may be a whole lot more to this whole situation. He may need to work extra when he can to finance a new business he's starting and he may be seeing his brother as often as possible because his brother may be in some sort of emotional crisis at this time...or, as I suggested earlier, there may be other business being discussed.

 

It would be very odd if he had a standing date with his brother every Saturday night for completely social reasons and I really don't believe that's the case.

 

There are lots more men out there. How's the singer doing?

[Laurynn]

I think I should clarify. I surely didn't expect that he'd ditch his work commitments today, just because he'd suggested going for coffee today. I respect a man who upholds his commitments.....though I'm still wondering why a 'business consultant' would have to involve himself with a 'broken down meat freezer/stuff melting all over the place'.....that doesn't, to me, seem like something a business consultant would have to deal with. He's a business consultant for this nationwide meat/food products chain. He deals with marketing, advertising, the business end of it, not mopping up floors and dealing with equipment.

 

As for his plans with his brother, it was him who explained, "I can't meet tonight becuz my brother and I do the usual Saturday-night-drinks-thing at _______'s pub". Unless he was lying through his teeth, I doubt very much that he's meeting Bro to discuss their dying Mom. It's St Patrick's Day and every pub in the city has some kind of St Pat's party going on. Maybe that sounded like more fun than meeting with me.

 

He has been on my case for the past 2 weeks to meet in a way that i don't feel comfortable with, and any guy with half a brain cell would know better than to invite some stranger to drive out of town to the mountains with them on their first meeting. Obviously women have to think about personal safety, and not putting themselves in a potentially dangerous situation. You don't just meet someone off the internet and go off for a country drive with them.

 

Yes, I do overanalyze things, but 9 out of 10 times, my suspicions are right on the money. I suspect this guy was handing me bs today, about having to tend to the broken down meat freezer.......unless that's suddenly become a new responsibility for a business consultant.

 

if going out for the usual 'brothers night out' is more important than meeting me, that's absolutely fine. I now realize that he's a guy with different priorities than myself and I'm not interested.

 

L

[Tony T]

I'm convinced. Dust him and forget him!!! I'll go with what you described. He is among the top ten losers on the Internet.

 

Have you heard from your country singer buddy???

[Laurynn]

Yes, me and country singer still keep in touch LOL

 

He called me last Sunday night and we talked for nearly 2 hours. He was in the studio doing some stuff for his upcoming album, and I got to listen to the new songs, I was quite flattered (It doesn't come out til November). We chit chat, have deep conversations about things, discuss music, life, etc. We chat here and there on IM every once in a while but not as often as before. He doesn't return my emails anymore, says he's too busy for that, so I no longer write. If he wants to talk, he can phone me. If not, oh well. Thanks for asking.

 

Laurynn

[Rogue]

I don't know about this Laurryn.I agree with you on not wanting to drive to the mountains to meet him, since you don't know him all that well.

 

But I don't understand why you'd be miffed that he'd rather spend this Saturday with his brother. To me it seems perfectly normal. Here's why.

 

Women come and go, but your friends and families usually outlast your girlfriends. Also, you're probably not the first date he's made since joining online dating.So he must've already gone through a few undesirables himself. That means, he's not sure that even if he met you that you two would get along.He could be in for a boring evening, or maybe a nightmare date. But he already knows he could have a fun night with his brother, and he also knows his brother might resent being pushed aside for an online acquaintance. If this guys brushed aside his social plans for every potential date he had, he'd have no time for family or friends.

 

So he keeps his plans with his brother, and instead suggest a friendly cup of coffee with you. A coffee is much more informal, and there's less pressure on both of you. It gives both you an easy way out of a date, because a cup of coffee usually implies only a small time frame. It's not meant to last hours like a real date, it can last anywhere from 15 mins to an hour.It gives a chance for the two of you feel each other out a bit, before cancelling any social plans. Now, what is wrong with that? What is so sinister or pathetic about what I just said?

 

Also, it's possible for a 37 year old man to hold more than one degree. He could have a bachelor's degree , then maybe do a two year diploma program that used some of his university credits, studied part-time, and still have enough time to pursue several careers.Or whatever. I'm not saying that's the case with this man, I'm saying it's possible.

[Laurynn]

Sure, okay, so he doesn't want to risk spending an evening with someone who's basically a stranger, in case it turns out to be a bust. So then why in God's name, invite me several times, and hint at, several times, that we spend the day/afternoon out of town in the mountains? That would be EVEN WORSE!!! Actually, to get to the one place in the mountains that he suggested, it's 90 minutes from here. Now if we didn't click and things were awkward, wouldn't that be worse to be STUCK way out in the boonies like that? Meeting at a pub for a drink seems a lot less risky than that, don't you think?

 

And if you read my response to Oliver, you'll read the bit about him having 50 different excuses why he couldn't get me a more recent picture. I think that's weird. What the hell is with people anyway? They use online personals, but put up OLD pictures of themself......does that make any sense? To me it indicates that they have something to hide, have gained a lot of weight, have gone bald, something. Just the fact that I got a million excuses as to why he didn't have a recent, that in itself made me reluctant to meet him, to be truthful. Nothing worse than getting the shock of your life when the person you meet looks NOTHING like their old picture.

 

Secondly, again......business consultants would not be dealing with equipment problems, like his sorry assed story about being busy all afternoon because one of the meat freezers went on the fritz and things were melting. So? The guy apparently does the books (something along those lines), does marketing and advertising for this chain of stores.........what, he also gets called in on a Saturday to grab a mop and clean up the mess of a meat freezer that stopped working? I smell BS. I used to date a business consultant, and I know damn well that that wouldn't be something he'd have to do. And the company this guy works for, it's not some Mom and Pop small business..it's a nationwide chain........I'm sure they have staff who deal with equipment malfunctions, not business consultants.

 

We've spent a few hours talking on the phone. He's been so damn eager to meet me. Most people DO meet for a drink. He's busy during the week, so am I. If he's going to tell stories and play games and make excuses, pardon my french but f*ck him. I should probably not even post things here, asking for advice because I spend more goddamn time trying to defend myself.

 

L

[Juds]

You know what Laurynn, I think you are RIGHT ON the money. This guys behaviour is pretty strange.

 

If he has been hot on your heels for 2 weeks and then can't make the time for you, then it does sound like bs.

 

The business consultant bit, well have you thought that maybe he isn't a "business consultant", but rather works for the same company in a lower position. Hence the mop up duties. Maybe his job description was a little exaggerated.

 

The meeting in the mountains, well I think you are very smart not to do that with a perfect stranger.

 

All in all, to me, his behaviour doesn't add up, and I'd be staying right away. Don't give up on the personals though, because I think it's a really good avenue to meet people with similar interests and lives, and I would think that many of them would be quite genuine. Maybe just not this time!!

 

I'm with you, "screw him"!!