angiefly Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 My son is 16, I had him when I was 17. His father and I had a tumultuous relationship. He was physically and emotionally abusive to me. I got help and left him, safely when our son was 4 months old. He didn't want anything to do with our son. Fast forward 7 years later dad shows up and wanted to see our son/start a relationship. I slowly introduced them and by the age of 9 I agreed to share custody. Our son seemed happy. At the age of 10 I found out his dad was emotionally abusing him (putting him down for looking like me or saying something nice about me...always saying nasty things about me to hurt our son) along with some physical abuse that was well hidden because he didn't leave marks and he had my son so terrified to tell anyone. I found out and removed my son from his partial custody. My son went through therapy and he had some anger issues we had to address but overall from age 10-15 (the 5 years his dad was gone) he excelled in school, sports and was just a nice big hearted boy without all the old worry he used to have. At the age of 15 he wanted to start seeing his dad again (In my son's defense he could handle his dad if he became physical again (awful thought I know)) So now my son is seeing his dad again and he seems pretty happy other than the fact that his dad and step-mom say horrible things about me. His dad told him that when he met me I was living with a bunch of older men that raped me (There isn't a shred of truth to that but that's not important... What's important to me is my son and how this is effecting him. He doesn't want me to try and talk to his dad about it (He'll just get screamed at) He doesn't want to quit seeing his father (he doesn't want to disappoint his dad and he doesn't wanna leave his brothers and sisters alone without him because they are young.) I always tell my son not to worry about the things they say about me because it doesn't bother me (It bothers me for him but I don't care what his dad or stepmom think about me) I have always maintained open communication and a judgement free atmosphere when it comes to our son. My son knows a lot of my accomplishments in life as well as my mistakes so his dad is just coming off the walls with some crazy tales and I'm afraid of what this will do to my son and our relationship. Any advice or questions appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 Tell your son that he can talk to you about anything he wants. He is always free to ask whatever questions he wants and you promise him, as you live and breathe that whatever it is, he will always, but always,get the truth from you. You will always be honest with him, no matter what, however painful or uncomfortable it may be. You will NOT diss his father or new wife, and you will give everything honestly, truthfully and candidly - from your perspective. Of course other peoples' stories and accounts may vary. But you trust your son to exercise common sense, discernment and good judgement - and if ever he feels he needs to distance himself from a situation, to feel free to do it - you love, respect and trust him, and will always do so. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author angiefly Posted June 19, 2015 Author Share Posted June 19, 2015 TaraM, Thanks for your reply. I agree with every single thing you said and thankfully I've never talked bad about his daddy or step-mom... to my son anyway lol. All jokes aside though, I love my son MUCH MORE than I will ever hate his father so I keep my thoughts to myself. As far as trusting in my son to make the decisions that are right for him, I should practice this more... I know I raised him right and I know he's capable of making his own, well-informed, decisions. I just hate to see the pain that it causes him but that's part of raising children, we can't shield them from everything. It's just hard. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 I just hate to see the pain that it causes him but that's part of raising children, we can't shield them from everything. It's just hard. It is also part of your son's own psychological, emotional and spiritual growth...his personal journey for which his mom and dad are but the facilitators. From your posts, you are doing a beautiful, loving job of it...your son is a fortunate young man! (If it helps, perhaps consider how much more well-balanced - and understanding, compassionate, loving - your son has the opportunity to grow into being, precisely because of his being able to observe and experience the person that is his dad.) Wishing you and your son the highest and the happiest. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 Kids are smart. My kids know all of my flaws - I mean all of them. We talk about everything. They, over the past couple of years, have expressed more and more about their relationship with their dad - troubling things I didn't even know. I never talk badly about their dad. In fact, when they express extreme frustration, I try to help them see things from his point of view and suggest the best possible motives. But they know. They know the difference between an imperfect mom who owns her stuff and a passive aggressive, angry, hot and cold father who will not say "I'm sorry" to his children. In fact, they are a lot wiser and more perceptive than many adults I know. Your son knows the score. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts