Alphamale's guide to keeping women around

[lindya]

I wanna hear about your issues too.

 

*Big hug*

 

Awww, thanks. One of my issues is that on this board, as in life I guess, it's not having issues that makes the world perceive you as a f*** up. Just admitting to having them.

[blind_otter]

We're not dealing with logic here. The illogical (but defensive) reaction when one has been hurt or disappointed is to be angry. If your EQ isn't very high, you'll be like a little kid and think everybody who remotely resembles the person who hurt you is 'bad'.

 

And you'll devise bogus theories about how to not get close to anyone so that you will never be hurt again to which other cynics and bitter sorts will flock. They may treat you like God's gift to humanity but real, self-actualized humans who understand that relationships are a two-way street and that blame is never fully one-sided will assess their failed relationships maturely, and learn to love better and more, not worse and less.

 

This is an awfully snooty post, I must say. IME, it's possible to do this and still take steps to protect yourself. It would be emotionally moronic to approach every situation with the same openness. Only children are capable of this. I mean, come on. Everybody say it with me. What's the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.

 

The awareness that there is never 100% blame on either side doesn't keep anyone from trying to protect themselves in future relationships.

 

And yes, human contact is a need. May I point you to the case of the environmental activist who went insane in alaska because he isolated himself from society, with the claim that he did not need human contact?

[ReluctantRomeo]

And yes, human contact is a need. May I point you to the case of the environmental activist who went insane in alaska because he isolated himself from society, with the claim that he did not need human contact?

 

And is rehabilitating himself by posting on Loveshack *snort*

[blind_otter]

And is rehabilitating himself by posting on Loveshack *snort*

 

A certain poster's name popped into my head.

 

As far as the story goes, though, I think he killed himself.

 

Hell, look at what happened to Khan. All those centuries frozen in sapce, alone, no human contact, and then he starts spitting at people from the depths of hell.

[Nur]

real, self-actualized humans who understand that relationships are a two-way street and that blame is never fully one-sided will assess their failed relationships maturely, and learn to love better and more, not worse and less.

 

Well, I, anyway, think this is absolutely correct. Thanks for saying so elequently what I was apparently unable to express on the second page.

[whichwayisup]

Well, how interesting.

 

Physiological and safety needs - yep, definitely true.

 

Love/belonging - I don't think so. Sorry.

 

Esteem - only thing that would apply for me is self-respect. That is the only kind of respect that matters.

 

I don't understand Smooch. Love and belonging IS a natural human need too. I always thought it was instinct, something that just happens as we get older and want to start a family and settle down.

 

I guess I've not been fvked over, hurt and messed up to the point where I feel the need to shutdown and not let people in. Been lucky and blessed to have pretty much good experiences in my life. Maybe that is why I have trouble really understanding why someone wouldn't want to have love and want to need someone in their life.

[SmoochieFace]

I don't understand Smooch. Love and belonging IS a natural human need too. I always thought it was instinct, something that just happens as we get older and want to start a family and settle down.

 

I guess I've not been fvked over, hurt and messed up to the point where I feel the need to shutdown and not let people in. Been lucky and blessed to have pretty much good experiences in my life. Maybe that is why I have trouble really understanding why someone wouldn't want to have love and want to need someone in their life.

 

Have you read Dr. Burns... in particular, "Feeling Good?"

 

He says that romantic love is not a NEED - it is a WANT. I believe that is true.

 

I certainly reject the *instinct* aspect of love... i got married and fathered a child because I WANTED to - not because I NEEDED to. I could have easily have gone through life not being married and being a parent.

[lindya]

*hops excitedly*

 

YES! YES! YES!

 

Absolutely indeed!

 

Now... aren't all of those people who keep having bad experiences with love/relationships/sex, etc. and yet keep going back for more of the same insane?

 

*well, I was with dummy jerk BF and he treated me like *beep* but I really LOVE his *type* and I can't live without that dick so I'm just gonna keep on going after the same *type* cuz I just KNOW that there has to be a dummy jerk guy out there who will maybe JUST MAYBE change just a little for me. OOOOO! I KNOW he's out there and I am willing to sacrifice my self-esteem, self-respect, and even my body and soul in my quest!*

 

Insane? Absolutely *beep* nuts!

 

I'm not sure which poster(s) you're talking about there. Imperfect people (which we all are) get into relationships with other imperfect people. They try to make it work. Sometimes, in the quest to make things work, a person will tolerate things that - once the relationship is over, and they see that their efforts were fruitless - they realise they perhaps shouldn't have tolerated.

 

Or people thought their relationships were good, because their ex partner lied about loving them, and about being faithful to them. They took the risk of trusting, and the trust was breached....which is a painful experience for most people, and some people find it harder to move on from that than others do.

 

So they come here in an attempt to heal, which is precisely what this site is for. Loveshack isn't a forum for entertaining people who want to boost themselves up by sneering at other people's emotional difficulties. If you enjoy that sort of thing, feel free to take a trip to the Tucker Max board.

[whichwayisup]

Have you read Dr. Burns... in particular, "Feeling Good?"

 

He says that romantic love is not a NEED - it is a WANT. I believe that is true.

 

I certainly reject the *instinct* aspect of love... i got married and fathered a child because I WANTED to - not because I NEEDED to. I could have easily have gone through life not being married and being a parent.

 

Yuppers, got that book and afew others too. (You ever read the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle?? If not, go buy it!)

 

Maybe with women it's different. Because of our biological clock. I understand exactly what you're saying and logically saying romantic love is a want, not a need DOES make sense..But the way I am, the way I think and feel, I need to have it in my life. With that being said, that doesn't make me a needy or desparate person. It makes me one who wants to share my love with someone and I want someone to love me. I'm lucky to have that in my life now.

[SmoochieFace]

I'm not sure which poster(s) you're talking about there. Imperfect people (which we all are) get into relationships with other imperfect people. They try to make it work. Sometimes, in the quest to make things work, a person will tolerate things that - once the relationship is over, and they see that their efforts were fruitless - they realise they perhaps shouldn't have tolerated.

 

Or people thought their relationships were good, because their ex partner lied about loving them, and about being faithful to them. They took the risk of trusting, and the trust was breached....which is a painful experience for most people, and some people find it harder to move on from that than others do.

 

So they come here in an attempt to heal, which is precisely what this site is for. Loveshack isn't a forum for entertaining people who want to boost themselves up by sneering at other people's emotional difficulties. If you enjoy that sort of thing, feel free to take a trip to the Tucker Max board.

 

Boy, we really are not *communicating* today, aren't we?

 

First off, the part within "*" is basically a condensed version of what I see and hear aplenty. It was not written with any one person in mind.

 

The question is: Why do people repeat the same *mistakes* over and over again if they know that they have failed previously? In other words... why be insane?

[lindya]

The question is: Why do people repeat the same *mistakes* over and over again if they know that they have failed previously? In other words... why be insane?

 

 

 

It can be difficult for people to really believe that there is anything better out there than the experiences they've already had. If you haven't had positive experiences of relationships, can you trust someone who promises to make you happy? You can, but it takes a great leap of faith - and it also requires a future partner who has a bit of patience. ie not someone who will follow the oft dished out advice to "dump" as soon as things are less than perfect.

 

Let's say A was often beaten as a child. She'd go to school and see friends' looks of horror when they saw the bruising...and know that other kids didn't get treated that way, so that must mean other kids were better and more loveable than she was.

 

What's her model for a good relationship in adulthood? Is it realistic to expect someone to just forget the past with a snap of their fingers and say "I'm an adult now, and I'm going to have a healthy, loving and functional relationship with a healthy, loving, functional adult?" That's what people aim for, but it isn't always easy to achieve. It takes a lot of work for someone to change their script.

 

Then, of course, there are other people's judgements to contend with. The same friends who stared in horror at the bruising as kids grow up into adults who stare at the dysfunctionality with a sort of smug horror. People who were abused as children are often described as "damaged". So this person who wants a happy, functional relationship has to somehow go beyond all the messages in their head telling them they don't deserve one....and they also have to deal with the world's assessment of them as "damaged".

 

Who gravitates to this "damaged" person? Why....other people who can relate, of course. Other people who won't stare in disgust at the bruising, because they've got it too. That leads to a degree of mutual acceptance and understanding. The drawback is that far from being horrified by the bruising, they might simply add further bruising....compounding the person's sense that they're damaged, and that no decent person will love or accept them.

[SmoochieFace]

Maybe with women it's different.

 

Yeah, I hope so! Men's brains do differ considerably from female's brains, you know.