HeartLessRomantic Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 I have feelings for a friend but she already rejected me. The best course of action is that I stay away from her, right? Unfortunately, we've recently been close which is probably why she did not keep her distance from me and acts as if nothing has happened. I also notice that she is like that with people who shows interest with her, she treats them as if these guys are not romantically interested with her. Also, she did not actually said no. She said "We cannot be together. I want to date someone who is not in our circle of friends." The reason I see why she said this is because she and my ex are in the same circle of friends. But I could be wrong about this. I also told her best friend that I will be keeping my distance. She disagreed and told me that, although she respects my decision, she prefers that I still hang out with them. She added that maybe in time her best friend (the one I confessed to) would reconsider the decision. She noted that it's been only a year since I broke up with my ex. What is the best option in this situation? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 I'm sorry you're in this situation. It's always painful. If it's any consolation, it happens to everyone and usually more than once. Okay, that's really no consolation, I know. If she was interested in you, she'd date you, no matter what. She was just making excuses and letting you down gently. No one is going to let some little excuses stand in their way of dating someone they are interested in. So she's not interested in you. Her friend can't speak for her and she'd probably be really mad if she knew 1) you were talking to her friend about her still and 2) her friend was sharing info. You need to just get away from her entirely and forget about her. Doesn't matter she doesn't want this to run you off from your group of friends because she isn't the one with the feelings she has to control. She doesn't care. Just so you know, women are usually perfectly happy to be "just friends" with guys and may have no other agenda whatsoever, whereas men mostly pretend to be friends to get close to someone they want to have sex with or date. Women are not the same. Especially young women, it never occurs to them a man is only being friendly because they are attracted to them or even obsessed with them. They can't believe men are that shallow and it will be many years before the light bulb goes off. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HeartLessRomantic Posted June 20, 2015 Author Share Posted June 20, 2015 You need to just get away from her entirely and forget about her. I already know that, I'm more concerned on how to go about the disappearing act. Since I hang out with her with friends, they will certainly be surprised seeing that they don't see me as courting her. Should you do it slowly or abruptly? Link to post Share on other sites
PaperCrane Posted June 20, 2015 Share Posted June 20, 2015 Don't play any games. Do what you want but respect yourself and her enough to believe what she said and not to put yourself in a situation to get hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HeartLessRomantic Posted June 20, 2015 Author Share Posted June 20, 2015 not to put yourself in a situation to get hurt. But isn't moving away from her "getting hurt" as well? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 20, 2015 Share Posted June 20, 2015 I already know that, I'm more concerned on how to go about the disappearing act. Since I hang out with her with friends, they will certainly be surprised seeing that they don't see me as courting her. Should you do it slowly or abruptly? I've been in that situation and it takes a lot of self-discipline. You have to not let yourself fear every time you might run into her. I always thought the easiest route to getting through it was to have either a date with me or at least a friend who I could laugh it up with who wouldn't abandon me all night. If you're at the same place but it's not a small place, then sit far away from her, out of her line of vision and just relax and have a good time. If you feel you must sit with them, then a polite hello and keep yourself looking cheerful and talk to everyone else but don't strike up a conversation with her. If she tries to ever invite you to something, decline. Anytime you need to decline, don't elaborate on why. Just say "Sorry, I'm booked." If you don't think you can manage to have a good time with her around, then don't go out with the gang for awhile and get yourself a new girlfriend and at that point, you'll stop caring. As far as her nosy friends go, if any of them try to start a conversation about it, look past them as if you just saw someone and say, "Oh, excuse me for a minute" and leave. Go the the restroom or whatever. Just don't let them engage you in talking about it. If she herself confronts you, just tell her you're not interested in being anything more than acquaintances now. You don't have to do what she wants. Probably she'll kind of avoid you some now because that's what girls usually do because it's awkward. Despite what she said, she probably won't be comfortable around you now and will probably meet you halfway in avoiding close contact. She probably has told her girl friends about you asking her out. So they know and will probably be nosy. Feel free to decline all group invitations that include her. You can always be less obvious by inviting one or two of that group to do something with you and being clear it isn't a group invitation. And just keep that going for awhile. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HeartLessRomantic Posted June 20, 2015 Author Share Posted June 20, 2015 I've been in that situation and it takes a lot of self-discipline. Woah! You do seem like you've been through a lot! Thanks dude! Erm, congrats for pulling through I guess. What you shared is very helpful. Hits my question in the bullseye! Hope people in the same situation as ours would get to read this because I for one would not want anyone to go through something like this. Falling for a friend who does not want you is perhaps the most difficult thing to happen. I could remember a year ago when I view her just as a friend and nothing more. Now, I hope it was kept that way since I kind of knew from the start that she would never have feelings for me despite us getting closer. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 20, 2015 Share Posted June 20, 2015 It's hard for women (I'm a woman, by the way but doesn't matter) to be friends with someone for a long time and then switch over to something more. It happens occasionally, but it's best once you know you want something more to start being flirty right away so she can't get too comfortable. What happens is women can start thinking of you like a brother and then it just feels wrong to them. But like I said, it happens to everyone, men and women both. Remember to avoid being "felt sorry for" by looking like you're having a good time even when you're not! At least that way, you keep your dignity. Hope someone comes along soon. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HeartLessRomantic Posted June 21, 2015 Author Share Posted June 21, 2015 It's hard for women (I'm a woman, by the way but doesn't matter) to be friends with someone for a long time and then switch over to something more. I guess I misunderstood her gestures. We kind of got closer after I broke up with my ex so I thought she was interested with me. If she isn't, why would women get close to men who just go off a relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 You know how women just get really tight with their girl friends and they tell them everything and they like to spend a lot of time on the phone or in person or texting and just hanging out seems like more than most men do? So they're just as happy doing that with a guy. Once they've been around you for awhile and you haven't made a pass, they figure you're just a friend. I guess in some ways they're just more social. For sure they don't just think of guys as potentially someone to have sex with like guys usually think of women. Most guys won't hang out with a girl unless they are wondering about them sexually. It's not like that for women. And what happens right after a breakup, sometimes they're just rebounding and taking comfort from anyone who offers it. Sometimes they may even act out and flirt but if they just broke up, they need time to get past that or they might be flirting for all the wrong reasons. Unfortunately, the bottom line is that unless the woman is especially outspoken or straightforward, the only way to know if a girl is interested in you is to ask her out and then start doing the polite in public touching, hand on arm, holding hands, hand on back to guide her in a door, etc. and see if she's liking it or freezing up when you do it. Women can't really just tell a guy they like him a lot all the time because there's too many guys out there who take that as "Oh, she's a sure thing" and just immediately try to sleep with them. They have to be a little more subtle. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HeartLessRomantic Posted June 23, 2015 Author Share Posted June 23, 2015 (edited) Most guys won't hang out with a girl unless they are wondering about them sexually. Wait, I was not the one who tried to hang out with her, she was the one who tried to hang out with me (which is why I totally misunderstood her gesture). Also, I am not sexually interested with her. It's more of an admiration, actually. And IF it does go down to sex, I'd rather do it with her best friend. Hahaha kidding~ I still don't get it though and I, and other men, may never will but I strongly believe that it's a bad idea to be hanging out with someone who just got off from a relationship, especially if the girl is hanging out with him more than she does with her best friend. The reason why I'm saying this is because I am trying to distance myself from her but it seem hopeless. I've noticed that she still likes talking to me. Is it right to talk to her directly about it? Edited June 23, 2015 by HeartLessRomantic Link to post Share on other sites
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