fellini Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 If a BS actually heard their WS say "what you didn't know wouldn't hurt you", I would like to hear that. Otherwise I can only say this is just something some BS's say was the philosophy behind it. If the WS did not offer that as the excuse, I don't understand why people are harping on this reason. If the WS kept an infidelity a secret: How do you distinguish between your interpretation that it was just "what you don't know won't hurt you" and a myriad of OTHER possible explanations? What if it was "I didn't want you to find out. I was totally ashamed of myself." "I didn't want to tell you, I don't know how you would react if I did" "I didn't want to tell you because I was afraid you would leave me" "I didn't want to tell you because it was with someone you know and then the whole world would find out." "I didn't want the kids to think I am a horrible parent" "I didn't want to say anything because it was a co-worker and I wouldn't be able to go back there if everyone knew"... etc. etc. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sub Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 Otherwise I can only say this is just something some BS's say was the philosophy behind it. It's a fairly common reason given by WS's on this board, though. I know it's not the entire world of infidelity here, but it's still worth the discussion. That said, I tend to agree with you re: the actual reasons behind non-disclosure. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 If a BS actually heard their WS say "what you didn't know wouldn't hurt you", I would like to hear that. Otherwise I can only say this is just something some BS's say was the philosophy behind it. If the WS did not offer that as the excuse, I don't understand why people are harping on this reason. If the WS kept an infidelity a secret: How do you distinguish between your interpretation that it was just "what you don't know won't hurt you" and a myriad of OTHER possible explanations? What if it was "I didn't want you to find out. I was totally ashamed of myself." "I didn't want to tell you, I don't know how you would react if I did" "I didn't want to tell you because I was afraid you would leave me" "I didn't want to tell you because it was with someone you know and then the whole world would find out." "I didn't want the kids to think I am a horrible parent" "I didn't want to say anything because it was a co-worker and I wouldn't be able to go back there if everyone knew"... etc. etc. Not sure if any of those reasons occupy any higher moral ground or are better or worse than "what you don't know won't hurt you" but interesting how every single one of them is self-serving from the WS POV. Seems to always come back to this - like the affair, secrecy about the affair serves the needs of the WS. If you're going to recover your marriage, time to start thinking about serving the needs of your partner. Truth is a necessary first step... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
daisygirl19 Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 I think you're hurt regardless. I've been on both sides. I have been cheated on (though not married, it was 9 years into our relationship and we were engaged at the time) and I have been the OW and have watched the BS go through it. For me, I suspected he was cheating. He denied. Mutual friends told me about his ONS and he finally came clean. I wanted to know. I needed to know. For me, I was hurting regardless. Yes, it was a different kind of hurt when I learned the truth, but it was 1000 times better than the unknown and suspecting. MM's ex-wife? Does NOT want to know. Insists on it, actually. Her words are, the fact that we were emotionally involved is painful enough and she does not want to know more. She knows that we are now together and she says that hurts as well. Still, she does not want to know details on when it started or if they were still together at the time. The first time I met with her (can't avoid her, we've known each other for years and our children are friends), she asked me and then immediately said "no, do not answer that. I don't want to know. If you did, just promise me you will keep it to yourself". She is truly in the "don't want to know" camp. I suspect she knows, but doesn't want to face it. For her, ignorance is preferred. It's really a very personal choice and no one knows which they'd rather until they're living it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
badkarma2013 Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 If a BS actually heard their WS say "what you didn't know wouldn't hurt you", I would like to hear that. Otherwise I can only say this is just something some BS's say was the philosophy behind it. If the WS did not offer that as the excuse, I don't understand why people are harping on this reason. If the WS kept an infidelity a secret: How do you distinguish between your interpretation that it was just "what you don't know won't hurt you" and a myriad of OTHER possible explanations? What if it was "I didn't want you to find out. I was totally ashamed of myself." "I didn't want to tell you, I don't know how you would react if I did" "I didn't want to tell you because I was afraid you would leave me" "I didn't want to tell you because it was with someone you know and then the whole world would find out." "I didn't want the kids to think I am a horrible parent" "I didn't want to say anything because it was a co-worker and I wouldn't be able to go back there if everyone knew"... etc. etc. *****************************************************************As the old Russian Proverb states.".I had rather be slapped with the truth,than kissed with a lie!" The above are just justifications..Not explainations... Most Bhs here and the many whom I have spoken with would want to know. By the way Fellini..missed you brother. Link to post Share on other sites
fellini Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 Welcome back BadK!!! Hope you are well, and happy, and all things are good. Missed you too man! *****************************************************************As the old Russian Proverb states.".I had rather be slapped with the truth,than kissed with a lie!" The above are just justifications..Not explainations... Most Bhs here and the many whom I have spoken with would want to know. By the way Fellini..missed you brother. Link to post Share on other sites
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