I feel like lately I'm always mad at my husband.

[tme0]

My husband and I have been together for 3 years. Married 1.5 months.

Lately, I feel like everything he does just aggravates me.

Examples;

 

He really doesn't help me around the house with chores. I have told him I need help 20 times and he'll do one or 2 things then think that will suffice for eternity.

 

If I ask him to pick up his socks off the living room floor and put them in the hamper, he'll say ok. Then he won't do it and days will have passed and I'll ask him again and he'll say yes. Again, won't do it immediately and obviously forgets. Regardless of the fact that there's a dang pile of socks in plain view on the floor that he has to see.

 

I think that's the main thing that really makes me mad. I feel taken for granted. Like he can leave his socks on the floor and leave his dirty dishes scattered throughout the house and not pick them up when I ask because he knows that eventually I will get tired of seeing it there and I'll just do it myself.

 

One more thing is when he tries to tell me what I like or have done. I can't stand that. We were out with my friend the other day and he said the only beer I like is Angry Orchard. I can't stand that stuff. But we sat there and argued about it for 5 minutes. (I know that seems trivial, but he's said stuff like that so many times and this time was kind of like the straw that broke the camel's back. Normally I correct him and then just drop it once I see he's going to sit there and argue with me about it for eternity.) I am pretty sure I know my likes and dislikes and what I have and have not done, better than him.

 

The thing that's making me mad today is.. We have plans to eat dinner with both our families Sunday evening for Father's Day. Everyone has already known about this all week. His friend just asked us if we want to go see a movie Sunday. He of course said yes. I reminded him of our plans and he's like, Well, we're hanging with Jim. We can go eat earlier or later, whenever doesn't interfere with the movie.

I told him it is father's day. That is more important than seeing a movie and hanging out with his friends that he's seen 5 times in the last month. He's not seen his family since we got married... He got mad of course. I said fine, if you want to change plans, youre going to have to call everyone and tell them of the change. He got mad and said he didn't have time to do that.

 

I've just been aggravated all week. He knows. He notices. I tell him what's wrong. We fix it. Then the next day it's something else.

I don't know if it's just me. If these things wouldn't normally make me mad but they are now. I am on the pill. I know that can affect your hormones/mood. But I've been on it for 3 months and just recently is when all of this anger has been starting.

 

I'm not really sure what my question is..just what do I do to not be angry all the time and get him to see things from my perspective?

[berniev]

You ladies have wild imagination!

[OldRover]

You need to have a serious talk, discussing responsibilities and commitments. Make it positive on both sides, perhaps starting with little things, but keep track, and when he does well, thank him.

[d0nnivain]

I'm not really sure what my question is..just what do I do to not be angry all the time and get him to see things from my perspective?

 

 

A new marriage is a transistion. It took DH & I a while to find a rhythm

 

 

Read two pop psychology books by Dr. Laura: The Care & Feeding of Husbands and the Care and Feeding of a Marriage. Some of it is utter drivel & fairly anti-feminist but to me the take away message was about appreciation. When I focused myself there, I was able to cope with the socks on the floor and the annoying need to have to ask several times fro help. That has gotten better over time FWIW

 

 

As for the movie, look up the movie times, call the friend, invite him to the BBQ then go to the latest show.

[Mr Carson]

tme0

 

You just described me 20 years ago, me being your H. I've been banished from the laundry room for life because of one little mishap (shrinking her favorite sweater) so she did all the laundry. She asked me to PLEASE turn my t shirt's and underwear right side out. It would help her and she would really appreciate it. Well guess what, I didn't do it, so suddenly I put my underwear on and their inside out same with t's. I learned if I wanted my t's and undies right side out I'd better do it. If he leaves the dishes laying around don't pick them up and leave yours too. And when the house looks and smells like s*** then say your fine with it unless he's going to help! Then when he runs out of clean glasses and he's drinking beer out of a tea cup he'll hopefully get the message.

[loveboid]

Throw out all his socks.

 

When he complains buy him one pair and if leaves them on the floor throw them away.

 

Even better is if he buys them himself. You can be sure they won't be on the floor then.

[davidromero43]

Dang it Cindy, I'll pick up my socks. Really this sounds a lot like my wife. She will start telling me she does everything. I will bring up some things I do. Then she will say she does a lot more than I do. And I will agree to that. But is it really a contest? Let him know the movie is selfish. You want to make the best possible day and it is already stressful. So if he can go to the movies another day, you would prefer that. If not, leave the plans as they are and let him run around to make them work. Just be pretty

[tme0]

It's not a competition. I don't even need it to be 50/50.

But I need it to be more than what it is now which is 99/1

 

Funny how he has time to play video games and scroll through facebook, but never has time to do what I ask (socks/ dishes/what ever else)

 

We did get into a tiff about that the other day and he said we'd sit down and try to figure out how to divide chores/help out around the house. That's great and all, I just don't want it to be all talk, no actions.

 

 

One more thing is, he works 3rd shift. Monday - Thursday. Friday he stays awake all day, rather than the usual which is sleeping when he gets home. That way he can have a kind of normal weekend.

So him working 3rd shift means I sleep alone all week. On the weekends, I'd like if he slept with me. (Friday & Saturday, because Sundays, he stays awake all night so he can sleep all day Monday in preparation of his night shift) On the weekends I don't go to bed early. I go late. But it is still a big fight to get him to come to bed with me. He just wants to play video games until 5 am, then sleep until 2 pm which takes away a lot of our day and time we could be spending together. So we're really not even hardly spending time together because of this.

 

But of course when I bring up him coming to bed, it's normally a no, or if he does, I've normally had to bribe him somehow.

[davidromero43]

You are putting extra stress on yourself trying to get him to do what you want. You will never really succeed. And I bet the bribe works the best. Honey always works better than vinegar. He sounds young and selfish. Split the chores and remind him he promised as needed.

[loveboid]

Are you not getting enough orgasms lately? They really improve mood.

 

You could tell him that putting his socks away is foreplay and turns you on.

 

When he puts his socks away strip and have sex with him on the hamper. Then maybe you won't need to sleep at the same time.

[tme0]

Are you not getting enough orgasms lately? They really improve mood.

Lol. Maybe that is my problem. Just right now I am in no mood for any of that.

It's not too hard to get in the mood though, so,

 

But it is hard to have sex during the week because he sleeps until dinner is done, then showers and goes to work. So the weekend is normally the only time when we are able.

[davidromero43]

Lol. Maybe that is my problem. Just right now I am in no mood for any of that.

It's not too hard to get in the mood though, so,

 

But it is hard to have sex during the week because he sleeps until dinner is done, then showers and goes to work. So the weekend is normally the only time when we are able.

 

Hes a guy. We wake up ready to go. You know about what time he wakes up. Get naked and wake him up about the same time he normally gets up. Do it for yourself.

[HappyAgain2014]

While some may believe these are trivial things, I completely see your point of view of feeling taken for granted. If you don't discuss these things, he has no incentive to change. Even then, he might ignore it anyway.

 

Failing to listen to your spouse's concerns is a big deal. Important to you means it should be important to him.

 

My ex took me for granted, would minimize my feelings, and generally figured... "She will get over it." I'm not wishy washy or vague in my communication.

 

Now my ex gets to listen to our children praise their stepdad for his dependability, kindness, and consideration of others. My ex made his bed and now karma has bitten him hard.

 

Seriously, draw the line and if he doesn't grow up, get out, especially before you add kids to the mix.

Edited June 19, 2015 by HappyAgain2014

[WasOtherWoman]

Hes a guy. We wake up ready to go. You know about what time he wakes up. Get naked and wake him up about the same time he normally gets up. Do it for yourself.

 

And when you are done, have a very "light" conversation about picking up his socks, or whatever else you want. Trust me, the very best time to get your husband on board about something is after sex. Mine can refuse me nothing right then.

 

Try it!

[elaine567]

Trust me, the very best time to get your husband on board about something is after sex.

 

Seems like sex is the issue here too.

Video games till 5am and a reluctance to sleep in the same bed, she is bribing him to come to bed with her.

 

Porn????

[truncated]

These issues may sound small, but if they are left to fester, they will only grow. If you two have kids, it will get even worse.

 

From his point of view, he may feel like he is working hard at crazy hours and just wants to relax, but that is no reason he can't put in an equal share around the house, especially if you are working too.

 

Was he raised in a "traditional" home where dad worked and mom did everything else ( or she worked too and still did everything else)? If so, he may be repeating the pattern he learned form his parents.

[68_f100]

He is old enough to be married then he needs to act like a grown ass man. If he is going to act like a kid treat him like one. If he doesn't pick his **** up throw it in a trash bag. Wait till its full and then give him the option to deal with it or throw it out. You'll never have to pick it up again. Make a list of his chores and put it in the fridge. Then put a star next to it when it's done. You have the right to be pissed.

[sandylee1]

And when you are done, have a very "light" conversation about picking up his socks, or whatever else you want. Trust me, the very best time to get your husband on board about something is after sex. Mine can refuse me nothing right then.

 

Try it!

 

I have to agree with you here . It's the best time to get them on board and I have used that one in the past. Their vulnerable after the fact.

[tme0]

Was he raised in a "traditional" home where dad worked and mom did everything else ( or she worked too and still did everything else)? If so, he may be repeating the pattern he learned form his parents.

 

Yes. His mom always worked, but she did everything. His parents weren't really worried about cleaning the house..to put it lightly..so I know he is used to not cleaning and being ok living with laundry scattered around the floor and a sink full of dishes that has mold growing on it and maggots (not kidding about that one unfortunately lol)

He's a lot better than he used to be. The house for the most part looks really nice.

 

I'm kind of a neat freak. I grew up like that. Everything had to be put away, cleaned everything regularly, etc. We had a discussion about this when we were engaged, that I would not live in a messy house and that that is non negotiable. So it's nothing new to him.

 

Make a list of his chores and put it in the fridge. Then put a star next to it when it's done. You have the right to be pissed.

 

I actually did this Wednesday. It had both of our names and a nice chart I spent hours assembling on the computer to look really good. I was going to let him pick the ones he wanted to do. It was categorized by frequency and points. Kind of to be like a competition (figured he'd like the points and competition) He took one look at it and said "Yeah this isn't going to work" then got mad at me because it felt like I was being his mom.

Well, kind of feel like his mom when I'm going around the house picking up socks off the couch and picking up cups from the nightstand and tables and everywhere.

[lollipopspot]

I don't know if it's just me. If these things wouldn't normally make me mad but they are now. I am on the pill. I know that can affect your hormones/mood. But I've been on it for 3 months and just recently is when all of this anger has been starting.

 

There are definitely some communication and motivation issues in your marriage, but don't discount the role of hormonal birth control in your negative feelings too.

 

Go see your doctor and see about switching things up. I've heard plenty of stories about women's moods changing dramatically under chemical birth control. I would never use it unless necessary for another health issue - to me it's not worth the health and emotional risks and problems. There are other birth control methods.

 

http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/synthetic-hormones-in-birth-control-pills-can-effect-emotions-by-changing-structure-of-brain-10184041.html

 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2051085/How-contraceptive-pill-messes-womens-minds-Rage-despair-low-sex-drive-.html

Edited June 20, 2015 by lollipopspot

[spanz1]

marriage is a series of compromises. those come easier if u both communicate well. so work on that. calmly without drama, keep reminding him of how you want him to communicate with him, and vice versa

[veggirl]

Do you both work full time?

[tme0]

Do you both work full time?

 

Yes, we do

[d0nnivain]

If you both work is hiring somebody to help with the housework in the budget?

 

 

Even a little assistance will go a long way to lowering your blood pressure.

 

 

When I got married a old friend of mine (a well respected doctor married to another doctor with 3 kids) said the secret to a happy marriage is hire a housekeeper & try not to have money problems. He was kidding to some extent but there is some wisdom in his POV

[CC12]

Like he can leave his socks on the floor and leave his dirty dishes scattered throughout the house and not pick them up when I ask because he knows that eventually I will get tired of seeing it there and I'll just do it myself.

 

Is he generally a malicious, passive-aggressive person? If not, then he's not doing it because he knows you'll eventually clean up after him. I'm betting he just doesn't see the filth or clutter like you do. It doesn't bother him. You're trying to get him to care about something he doesn't care about. It would be like him wanting you to get really into the video games he plays, or something you just give zero ****s about. Yeah, you should feign interest to be supportive of his hobbies or whatever, but you wouldn't be in the wrong if you chose not to take up his hobby in your spare time.

 

The Chore Chart didn't work and I can kind of see why. That's something you do for a child. What about saying, "Every other day, I'd like us both to participate in 10-15 minutes of power-cleaning." A lot can be done in ten minutes of cleaning, and maybe he'll be into it if it's something you two do together. Worth a shot?

 

One more thing is when he tries to tell me what I like or have done. I can't stand that. We were out with my friend the other day and he said the only beer I like is Angry Orchard. I can't stand that stuff. But we sat there and argued about it for 5 minutes.

 

Goodness, please don't argue in front of your friends. It is so uncomfortable to be around couples who bicker and fight. Save those conversations for when you're at home. "Honey, you did that thing again tonight where you made an incorrect declaration about my personal preferences. Please don't do it again."

 

The thing that's making me mad today is.. We have plans to eat dinner with both our families Sunday evening for Father's Day.

 

[...]

 

I said fine, if you want to change plans, youre going to have to call everyone and tell them of the change. He got mad and said he didn't have time to do that.

 

So he thinks that you should break the news to everyone that you two won't be attending Father's Day? You're not his ****ing secretary.

 

In my opinion, you should show up to the events you committed to. You can go alone. When your family asks where he is, you'll tell them that he chose to see a movie with a friend. When his family asks where he is, tell them they'll have to ask him. Let him know ahead of time that you'll be leaving it up to him to explain or lie to his family about where he is. It will be embarrassing for the both of you, but that's why you don't blow off your family to go see a movie with your buddy. Ridiculous.