Devastated and lost

[StuckInAHole]

You can do what you want on this but there is no way in the world I would agree to a trial separation. She is the one that cheated and she is the one that wants to stay working with him. She made the choice to do all this. You need to focus on you and your child now. The best dad you can be is one that is happy. There is no way your going to be happy watching her go to work for the next six months while in limbo.

 

She is telling you the job is more important. I personally think she is lieing. There is no way I would give up my wife for my job. I would walk out in a second without hesitation.

 

The truth is it looks like its over with them but its not. You can't fix her and you can't save her. She needs to fix herself and work on her.

 

Just stick to your guns and move on. In the end your child will be alot better off seeing you happy and spending time with you.

 

Clay

 

I know that the right thing to do in this situation is exactly like you're saying Clay, divorce and move on. I know that I'm currently blinded and my decisions are clearly clouded by my love for my wife. Divorce is a huge decision and I do not want to do something that I may regret in the near future. I have to be certain that this marriage is dead and cannot be saved. I hope that by having her move out and separated, she will start to see and appreciate what she had. If she is dead set on her career, forcing her to quit will only cause resentment toward me in the future.

 

 

I am concentrating on my kid right now and he's the only thing that is putting a smile on my face when I come home. Finding an apartment is harder than I expected as everything around where we lived are occupied and nothing is available for another month. All other available apartments are filthy and located in a shady neighborhood that I do not want my kid living in that condition.

 

 

Currently, I do not even know what I'm in anymore. I would come home from work and my wife and I would take care of our kid together. No more fighting and no more arguments. After putting our kid to sleep, we would hangout and watch some TV. We would talk a bit but nothing too detailed. Sometime she would ask about my day at work but I would not do the same as I want nothing to do with what she does there. We are still sleeping in the same bed but just no more cuddling. I would give her a small kiss in the morning, when I come home, and before bed. She still cooks and make dinner and help me prepare my lunch for the next day. We don't call or text each other throughout the day. We make plans on the weekend to do things with our kid together as we do not want our marriage to affect our son. No more marriage counseling at the moment as I feel like it would not change anything unless she takes the first step and quit the job.

 

 

Right now I'm just stuck and cannot move on unless I can do no contact with her; however, it looks like I'm going to be subjected to this living condition for another month or so.

[Clay]

See here is your problem. You keep repeating the same kind of behavior and your expecting different results. Well man good luck with that.

 

 

Clay

[beach]

When you show her consequences for what she's created - she will start believing that things need to change.

 

Put the house on the market

Serve her with divorce papers

Notify the MM's wife that the cause of your D is their interaction

 

 

When she sees that her whole life is changing because she won't quit the job ASAP and quit communicating with her MM - then and only then may she make change happen for the betterment of the M.

 

 

She chose her job over you, the M and your family life! Don't think for a minute that this isn't a full blown physical affair!

 

 

Have her sleep on the couch too, acting like this is ok isn't the way to invoke change.

[happyman64]

stuckinahole

 

 

So is your wife moving out?

 

 

Is that the plan?

 

 

Does your families know about her affair and the planned separation in the near future?

 

 

HM

[StuckInAHole]

stuckinahole

 

 

So is your wife moving out?

 

 

Is that the plan?

 

 

Does your families know about her affair and the planned separation in the near future?

 

 

HM

 

My wife is moving out to an apartment for our separation. Only a handful of people know about this. They were the ones that recommended we separate instead of divorce. They just feel like we, my wife and I, will regret it if we file for divorce at the moment. They recommend sometime apart to work on ourselves.

[StuckInAHole]

When you show her consequences for what she's created - she will start believing that things need to change.

 

Put the house on the market

Serve her with divorce papers

Notify the MM's wife that the cause of your D is their interaction

 

 

When she sees that her whole life is changing because she won't quit the job ASAP and quit communicating with her MM - then and only then may she make change happen for the betterment of the M.

 

 

She chose her job over you, the M and your family life! Don't think for a minute that this isn't a full blown physical affair!

 

 

Have her sleep on the couch too, acting like this is ok isn't the way to invoke change.

 

 

She has made it clear to me as I have brought it up multiple times that she needed to chose between her job and her marriage. What I want is her to quit her job on her own decision and not cause I pressured her into it. Right now it's leading down a very dark road and all I can see is divorce in the future but I'm trying to hold on to hope. Hopefully, separation will put some things into perspective and it needs to happen soon. You are right that I need to distant myself with her and not sleep in the same bed. That will happen tonight. Thank you everyone for the advices and supports.

[Chi townD]

Yeah dude. Something To chose a job over a marriage and family, there's something more there to make her chose to do that. I mean, it's ONLY a job!

 

 

What you need to do is look up doing the 180 in a relationship and start doing it. Immediately.

[StuckInAHole]

Yeah dude. Something To chose a job over a marriage and family, there's something more there to make her chose to do that. I mean, it's ONLY a job!

 

 

What you need to do is look up doing the 180 in a relationship and start doing it. Immediately.

 

 

 

 

What is the 180? I will look into it and see if I could find it on google. Is it something that I could find it on LS? Sorry I'm new here.

[beach]

You keep trying to soften the fall (consequences) FOR HER.

 

Dude, she's chosen a JOB over you and your child! That's terrible!

 

Separate? No way! Divorce her since she's not making you and her family her top priority!

 

Tell the MM's wife. Tell all friends and family that she doesn't value being married enough to quit when she's been cheating with someone from work.

 

And make her move today! She wants it easy - she wants it her way.

 

 

Stop making it so easy for her to walk all over you. No more being her doormat.

 

 

And when she starts struggling - don't make her comfortable! If she is UNCOMFORTABLE she may just rethink what she's been doing. Let her get good and uncomfortable.

 

 

Allow her to see what damage she's caused. Let her sit with it a long time - enough to see if she really wants to change.

[turnera]

All the 180 means is to show her - in your ACTIONS - that you want nothing to do with her as long as she doesn't put you first. Period. Let her see you living your life WITHOUT HER for as long as she doesn't choose to prioritize your marriage. In every way.

[Lois_Griffin]

The 180 is actually designed to give YOU the tools to move forward in a more positive and healthy manner without allowing your wife's baggage, disrespect, and betrayal to cause you to be paralyzed and stay in limbo. It's really more of a road map for self preservation that doesn't ALLOW you to swim in the dysfunction created by your cheating spouse and the sh*t storm she's rained down on your marriage.

 

And lastly, it IS a way of putting yourself first rather than constantly giving your spouse all your emotional and mental energy which gets you exactly NOWHERE.

 

Time to put yourself FIRST. In the process, she'll clearly see she's no longer the object of your thoughts and feelings 24/7 and she'll finally see she's NOT the end all and be all of your life. That tends to bring these egomaniacs down a few pegs which is ALWAYS a good thing.

[Fugu]

I think whether it's an EA or full-on sex is really splitting hairs. The bottom line is that she is sharing affections with another person, and a person who actually has easier access to her throughout the day than you do. It can't continue.

 

I think you two are doing the right thing by separating and not divorcing just yet. I read so many suggestions by bitter angry posters, projecting their own anger and advising people to get a divorce ASAP, and it's just bad advice. When things go south in a relationship, the key is to slow things down, not rush and out make rash decisions when you're most vulnerable.

 

You need to separate, but don't end it with that. It's really important to communicate with each other, and giving yourselves space is probably the right move. When two people in a bad relationship are constantly in each other's space, couples tend to get petty because the underlying things are not resolved and little things aggravate the situation. Things like not saying "I love you" when one person expects it and so forth.

 

You need to separate, and you need to take a very candid and sober appraisal of where you are right now. It's important to reckon with your reality. You're not completely divorced yet, but you're not completely married anymore either. See this as going back to the 'dating' and 'getting to know each other' phase again. You guys have changed - that's actually a very normal thing. Life's stages change people and their relationships. What you need to do now is to figure out if you guys can realize who you both are and whether you can reconcile and accept those differences, or whether you'd be better off moving in different directions.

[StuckInAHole]

The 180 is actually designed to give YOU the tools to move forward in a more positive and healthy manner without allowing your wife's baggage, disrespect, and betrayal to cause you to be paralyzed and stay in limbo. It's really more of a road map for self preservation that doesn't ALLOW you to swim in the dysfunction created by your cheating spouse and the sh*t storm she's rained down on your marriage.

 

And lastly, it IS a way of putting yourself first rather than constantly giving your spouse all your emotional and mental energy which gets you exactly NOWHERE.

 

Time to put yourself FIRST. In the process, she'll clearly see she's no longer the object of your thoughts and feelings 24/7 and she'll finally see she's NOT the end all and be all of your life. That tends to bring these egomaniacs down a few pegs which is ALWAYS a good thing.

 

I just looked this up and I was implementing have the rules and breaking the other half. I will try to follow this and work on myself. Thank you for the post.

[StuckInAHole]

I think whether it's an EA or full-on sex is really splitting hairs. The bottom line is that she is sharing affections with another person, and a person who actually has easier access to her throughout the day than you do. It can't continue.

 

I think you two are doing the right thing by separating and not divorcing just yet. I read so many suggestions by bitter angry posters, projecting their own anger and advising people to get a divorce ASAP, and it's just bad advice. When things go south in a relationship, the key is to slow things down, not rush and out make rash decisions when you're most vulnerable.

 

You need to separate, but don't end it with that. It's really important to communicate with each other, and giving yourselves space is probably the right move. When two people in a bad relationship are constantly in each other's space, couples tend to get petty because the underlying things are not resolved and little things aggravate the situation. Things like not saying "I love you" when one person expects it and so forth.

 

You need to separate, and you need to take a very candid and sober appraisal of where you are right now. It's important to reckon with your reality. You're not completely divorced yet, but you're not completely married anymore either. See this as going back to the 'dating' and 'getting to know each other' phase again. You guys have changed - that's actually a very normal thing. Life's stages change people and their relationships. What you need to do now is to figure out if you guys can realize who you both are and whether you can reconcile and accept those differences, or whether you'd be better off moving in different directions.

 

I come here for advice along with taking advice from some close friends/family that I recently talked to. Everyone here on LS tends to lead me through divorce while friends and family advise me to separate a while and let things cool down before making any big decisions.

 

I appreciate everyone's advices here as it may/ may not have worked. I do value all inputs.

 

I just spoke with my officiant/close friend/ counselor yesterday and she really enlighten me on a lot of things that she noticed. It did clear a lot of things up for me and I told my wife I wanted to talk tonight and see what our goals are for the future. At this moment, there is no game plan. I decided to separate and stop doing MC until my wife changes her mind but what were my goals. Ride it out and divorce? We really haven't talked about what we both wanted.

 

Hopefully tonight after the talk, we can move forward toward repair the marriage.

Edited July 2, 2015 by StuckInAHole

[turnera]

Just so you know, we all know here that a divorce takes a LONG time, in almost every place. So when we tell you to divorce, we know that (1) her SEEING you proceed to divorce is the single strongest action you can take and thus the single most likely thing to get her to want to fix the marriage; and (2) you can always cancel the divorce at any time, so even if you FILE for divorce, given the item #1 above, you have a fair chance of just canceling it. BUT, we ALSO know - from vast experience seeing thousands of marriages just.like.yours, that if you do NOTHING with a wife like her, you are almost guaranteeing divorce.

 

That said, if you can improve your communication with her, stop it from being a battle where both of you have to protect yourself, you have even more of a chance. But women simply MUST respect their men. It's how we roll. If our man won't respect himself and take himself out of a non-loving situation (even if we're causing it), we stop wanting him.

[aliveagain]

Separation is usually just an opportunity for the wayward spouse to test drive their affair partner knowing that if things don't work out you're still waiting in the wings. Divorce takes time and can be stopped anytime up to the final decree, it shows them your not playing games. There are things far worse than divorce, sharing your wife with another man is far worse than divorce. Why wait and have to endure additional pain while she dates. She has told you that you are in second and third position to her job and being around O/M. How much abuse do you need to take before you take control of your own life? Tell O/M's wife and I will guarantee you one of them will be leaving their job. Why are you the only one playing fair, you won't win a war that will change the future of your children by being nice and playing fair. Stomp the POS into the ground, he's attempting to steal your wife and destroying your family, speak up now and take back the respect they both sh*t on. Talk to a lawyer.

[StuckInAHole]

Separation is usually just an opportunity for the wayward spouse to test drive their affair partner knowing that if things don't work out you're still waiting in the wings. Divorce takes time and can be stopped anytime up to the final decree, it shows them your not playing games. There are things far worse than divorce, sharing your wife with another man is far worse than divorce. Why wait and have to endure additional pain while she dates. She has told you that you are in second and third position to her job and being around O/M. How much abuse do you need to take before you take control of your own life? Tell O/M's wife and I will guarantee you one of them will be leaving their job. Why are you the only one playing fair, you won't win a war that will change the future of your children by being nice and playing fair. Stomp the POS into the ground, he's attempting to steal your wife and destroying your family, speak up now and take back the respect they both sh*t on. Talk to a lawyer.

 

 

I would like to share what I learned after attending IC. After speaking with my counselor, she said that by having her quit her job is actually just a quick fix to the situation. The problem is not the job or the AP, but it's actually my wife. She needs to be the one to set boundaries and knows what is considered acceptable. If she truly loves her job and I forced her to quit, there will be resentment that eventually will lead to passive aggressive behavior. Even if she were to quit her job, she will probably meet someone else like her AP. The key is to learn to not pursue the desire.

 

 

I agree with my counselor on her insight; however, NC is usually the way to kill the desire and affair. In my situation, it only makes sense to have her quit her job to avoid constant contact. We all know that it's not happening as she chose to stay there.

 

 

I took people's advice and started to implement the 180 and worked on myself. I decided that I would not care about whatever she does now and just focus on myself. I would no longer ask about her day and what she did and I would no longer heck her phone or anything else regarding any aspect of her life. She would start to tell me anyways and I'm always short on my answers with her. This started causing a disconnection between her and I.

 

 

Don't know what got into me but I decided to look at the phone record yesterday and saw that she texted her AP 3 times. I did not see any replies from him. The first one was 2 days ago around work 11am. I'm assuming it's work related. Two texts were sent yesterday at about 630pm. No replies to those either but I snooped no further and did not look to see she texted. This is on me and I choose not to as I'm starting to feel a tiny bit better everyday without her. My heart did drop when I saw the number on the phone record but I took a step back, breath like how I was shown by my counselor and acknowledged my emotion. The feeling eventually went away and I continued on working.

 

 

Separation may be an opportunity for her to continue the affair; however, I believe that he no longer wants to pursue it. At this point, I'm not sure if I really care and I'm starting to move on. It is also a way of me easing myself into a divorce. Knowing that she's unremorseful and continuing to disrespect me and my marriage makes me move on a bit easier. Again, I can't tell if the affair is continuing or not.

 

 

I haven't got a chance to sit down with her and talk about the plans to reconcile. Not sure if I really want to anymore. I'm still hurting deeply but friends, family, and LS have been helping through and I'm not sure I would have been able to get through this without the support. Although I have only been married for close to 2 years, I have been with her for more than 10. We met in high school and not once did I ever think she was capable of this kind of betrayed.

 

 

She still cooks for me when I get home and we exchange a few words here and there. I have been keeping myself busy with friends, work, and hobbies. She also has been turning to her friends for support. She's getting the key to her apartment today and will be completely moved out within the next few days. I know that reality will really hit me hard once that happens but I know that I will make it. Once that happens, maybe I can finally start truly healing and move on.

[beach]

So on July 2nd you stated you were sitting down with her for a conversation that evening - and now it's a week later and you haven't yet had a conversation with her about the future?

 

And why did you refer to the conversation as it being about R? I would have thought the conversation would be about separating or divorcing. Are you sure your doing the 180... Because she's chosen her job over your M and she's planning to move - why wouldn't the discussion be about how you plan to remove a cheater from your life?

 

Why has a week passed without a discussion? Is avoiding a pattern between the two of you?

Edited July 9, 2015 by beach

[StuckInAHole]

So on July 2nd you stated you were sitting down with her for a conversation that evening - and now it's a week later and you haven't yet had a conversation with her about the future?

 

And why did you refer to the conversation as it being about R? I would have thought the conversation would be about separating or divorcing. Are you sure your doing the 180... Because she's chosen her job over your M and she's planning to move - why wouldn't the discussion be about how you plan to remove a cheater from your life?

 

Why has a week passed without a discussion? Is avoiding a pattern between the two of you?

 

 

Sorry for the confusion. A few things happened that I did not go into details. Yes I wanted to sit down and have a talk with her one night. It was my fault as I should have told her I wanted to sit down and talk but she ended up making plans that night so we didn't. The following few days, my son was sick and ran a high fever. We ended up taking to the ER and spent the majority of our time taking care of him. I then found out that the night she went out with her coworkers, the AP decided he wanted to come at the last minute. She never told me about it and she doesn't know that I know. She did tell me about her night and what she did but not once did she mention he was there.

 

 

This was the eye opener for me. Although I agree with what the counselor said about forcing her to quit her job, her AP is intertwine with her group of friends. He will always be around unless she decides to no longer attend group activities. That can only happen with her quitting her job. At that point, I decided to start implementing the 180 so I never spoke with her about our problems and about what our future holds.

 

 

I guess you can say that avoiding problems could be once of our worst traits; however, I feel like as of now, my emotions are affecting the decisions I make. There are days when I want to sit down and talk but she's not there or I'm at work then there are days when I'm just angry and do not want to talk as I will just explode in her face. Now I'm working on myself and basically ignoring her based on the principle of the 180. That's why it's been a week since I said I would talk to her.

 

 

And why did you refer to the conversation as it being about R?

I guess it's my poor choice of word. My initial thought was to talk about boundaries and rules during our separation with the common goal of reconciling in the end.

[turnera]

She's not taking the kid(s) with her when she moves, is she?

[beach]

I doubt she's told her AP that there's to be no more contact.

 

 

Your wife has made her decision to make her job (and thus, her AP a priority over you and the M).

 

 

Stop being nice to her when she's purposely choosing to ruin your life, family and marriage.

 

Have you separated all assets? You should! Because if you don't now - you may find that she's left you with nothing.

 

Protect yourself as if she's the enemy of your marriage.

 

When does she move? Have her sleep on the sofa until she moves - and don't eat with her as if everything is just fine.

 

 

Show her that you are NOT fine with the choices she's making.

[StuckInAHole]

I doubt she's told her AP that there's to be no more contact.

I agree that she has not told him as she has texted him twice yesterday around 630pm. I'm not sure what it's about as I did not continue snooping nor did I asked. I feel by doing so, it would hinder my current healing process.

 

Your wife has made her decision to make her job (and thus, her AP a priority over you and the M).

Yes she has and it is eating away at me but it's out of my control now. I need her to be remorseful and quit on her own decision.

 

Stop being nice to her when she's purposely choosing to ruin your life, family and marriage.

Since she is still living in the house, I just try to be civil with her. I go to a different room from where ever she's at and do my own thing. I stay short with her to avoid any further communication. I just focus on my son and spending as much time now with him as I could. I always tuck him in before going out with friends or to the gym.

 

Have you separated all assets? You should! Because if you don't now - you may find that she's left you with nothing. Protect yourself as if she's the enemy of your marriage.

We have and agreed on how everything will be divided.

 

When does she move? Have her sleep on the sofa until she moves - and don't eat with her as if everything is just fine.

She gets the key to the apartment today and will start moving things. She should be completely out by next week. She still asked if I want her to make me food. My reply is no and I will eat later. I let her eat dinner first while I take care of my son then I will eat dinner later. We no longer eat together.

 

Show her that you are NOT fine with the choices she's making.

I'm doing the best I can and she can see it. I feel like she acts overly happy at home sometimes to hide her sad feelings. I just ignore her and show her a facial expression like I don't care.

 

 

She's not taking the kid(s) with her when she moves, is she?

Since our kid is so young (14 months), we decided to switch between every 3-4 days. I wanted to go a week but that's too long for a child that young. One of us will drop him off at daycare and the other will pick him up. That way, we can kind of maintain NC for a while to work on making ourselves happy first.

[beach]

Why aren't you showing her that you're mad that she has ruined your life?

 

Not that raising your voice is necessary or acceptable - but telling her in a calm voice that what she's doing and her choices are terrible for the vow you took together - and that since she's not that gal anymore - you don't respect who she now is...?

[StuckInAHole]

Why aren't you showing her that you're mad that she has ruined your life?

 

Not that raising your voice is necessary or acceptable - but telling her in a calm voice that what she's doing and her choices are terrible for the vow you took together - and that since she's not that gal anymore - you don't respect who she now is...?

 

 

I have multiple times and she knows it; however, it never really got me anywhere. My understanding from the 180 is to work on making yourself happy first. I've been doing that and just hoping that she sees that my life moves on with or without her. I think that reality has not hit either of us yet. It will once she leaves.

[Chi townD]

Once she leaves, then you need to start NC. The ONLY reason to communicate with each other. is about your kid(s) and the kid(s) ONLY. If she calls, let it go to voicemail. Listen to it later. If the VM is about the kids then respond back by text. If it isn't about the kids, ignore it.

 

 

Once she leaves, talk to a lawyer about changing the locks on the house. Or if your in an apartment, talk to the landlord about changing the locks. You have proof that she no longer resides there and once she's gone, she has no right to come in anytime she wants. She no longer lives there.

 

 

Once she's out. Start re-decorating the place. MAKE IT YOURS!! Paint new colors on the walls. Buy new furniture or move the furniture you have around. Take down pictures of you and her and put up ones with just you and the kids or put up artwork that you like. New appliances, new countertops. New carpet. If she comes over to pick up the kids and she see's the changes that you're making, it's going to hit her in the gut. See, women pride themselves on making a house a home. Now that she's out, she'll see that the home she made for her family is gone. That's going to be a shock to her system. A little reality check.