aarreola2010 Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 Me and my girlfriend have been together for 2.5 years and i fear i am pushing her away. I said something last week that made her upset. She asked me to give her some space. This is a recurring fight and it's because of me. I told her I am willing to change because i love her so much so i've been looking for a therapist and i have contacted one i am now just waiting for a reply. In the mean time I would like to know if there is anything that can help me with my issue right now? Maybe something to read? I can go to barnes and noble and look for something but what should i look for? I just love her so much I want to show her that I really do want to change and I want to be living happy for the rest of our lives. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 We don't know what the issue is so it's hard to advise. Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 Agree with spider, we need more details. Controls issues how? Does this involve finances? Demanding an account of her every move? Wanting to check her phone, etc.? Domination by being demeaning and belligerent? Control issues is a long and broad subject. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aarreola2010 Posted June 20, 2015 Author Share Posted June 20, 2015 I get upset when she hangs out with friends and i want her to text me all the time i dont know why what is wrong with me? Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted June 20, 2015 Share Posted June 20, 2015 My guess would be you have major insecurity issues, which is why you want her texting 24/7. If she's doing that, she doesn't have time to do anything else. I just wrote in another thread that marriage is vowing to share your life with someone, not a promise to isolate yourself and become a hermit. And a bf doesn't have that kind of commitment and won't if you allow your behavior to run her off. First, we need our friends, they are a support system, confidant, shoulder to cry on, etc. Suppose she cut ties with her friends to appease your jealousy...and then something happened to you. She has no one bc she eliminated the people close to her to feed you ego and insecurity. You love her and want to change? I don't think Barnes and Noble is where you need to start. First, get the appt. with a counselor. Meanwhile, do some soul searching, dig deep inside and try to understand why you are jealous of her friends and don't want her to spend time with them. Second, dig just as deep to determine where your insecurity stems from... If you truly don't know why, that's where you need to start - figuring out why. You may lose her all together if you continue getting upset/mad when she sees her friends. She's not putting them ahead of you, she's maintaining contact with people she cares about. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author aarreola2010 Posted June 20, 2015 Author Share Posted June 20, 2015 thank you so much for your advice i really do need to find out where this jealousy is coming from and why i keep doing it i dont want to lose her Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted June 20, 2015 Share Posted June 20, 2015 ^You're Welcome. Be honest with yourself when digging within for answers. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 20, 2015 Share Posted June 20, 2015 I get upset when she hangs out with friends and i want her to text me all the time i dont know why what is wrong with me? You need to figure out why you don't trust her. If she is behaving inappropriately that is one thing. If you were cheated on in the past you can't punish her for a past GF's transgressions. Otherwise you have to realize it's your issue and stop demanding that she keep in touch all the time. You don't need to know her every mood. Your desire for that is unhealthy & you are smothering her. By constantly asking for this you are pushing her away. Do you understand this? You said in another thread, she needs space. Give it to her. Tell her you are giving her space & then leave her alone -- no calls, no texts, no FB posts, no snap chat, no instagram, no driving by her house -- just silence. I went to Amazon & searched controlling jealousy. These are some of the book titles that came up: Jealousy - Get Rid Of Your Jealousy, Insecurity And Controlling Attitudes Within 30 Days - For Men Master Your Jealousy Before It Destroys Your Relationship - For Men: Key Tactics To Tackle Your Unwanted Jealousy [/url]Overcoming Jealousy and Possessiveness Stop Being Controlling: How to Overcome Control Issues, Repair Your Relationships, Relieve Stress, Rebuild Your Relationship The Real Man's Guide to Overcoming Jealousy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted June 20, 2015 Share Posted June 20, 2015 Jealousy and controlling ways come from insecurity... People fear being hurt and/or abandoned - so they wanna control everyone/everything around them. Shoot, or they can be like me, where they isolate themselves from love/affection because they wanna be in control and not give someone the opportunity to leave and/or hurt them. My dad was abusive and controlling. I don't know why he felt he had to have everyone under his thumb. I remember one time we were gonna leave and he just started crying about how hard he's trying this/that for all of us. Now that I look back, that probably was a manipulation to pull us back in. He was raised by his mum and dad was a player. Not sure if as a boy, he didn't take kindly to a woman (his mother) "controlling" him when all she was trying to do is raise him. Boys are different from girls and need a strong male figure to put them in their place w/o damage to them psychologically. Anywho, I think he was selfish and a narcissist. It was always about "him". I seem to date my dad. A few guys I was with (not my 6 yr guy) were controlling and jealous (like the Belgian guy and the guy that left me for the town ho). And, for the life of me I just didn't get they they felt the need to play games, be jealous, manipulative and/or controlling when they had "me". I guess, just like my overbearing dad, I wasted time trying to convince them of my "love?". I mean, IMO, they were great guys - a "catch" if you will. Eh, but then again, the Belgian one was very close to his mum and the guy that left me for the town ho said in high school he had trouble with chicks. Geesh, he married at 19 to a 36 yr old woman who already had two kids...So, I guess both of them had issues under the surface. Gosh I remember the Belgian guy would call to check and make sure I was at work - even though I gave him my schedule. One time he called me at home, and there was TV noise and he was like "who is there"? And I cussed him out and told him to never contact me again. I was done!!! Well, hopefully through the therapy you can find out why you get jealous and/or controlling. Good luck, 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Amy3 Posted June 20, 2015 Share Posted June 20, 2015 Hi arreola2010, Sorry to hear of your situation. Sounds like you're at a loose end. But good on you for reaching out for help, not an easy thing to do. For what it's worth, I think Methodical's thoughts around self-esteem could be on the money. What's causing you to be fearful of your girlfriend hanging out with others and needing ongoing texts? Has she done things (eg previous unfaithfulness) that you're or tied about happening again? Maybe its previous girlfriends cheating on you? Or maybe it's to Methodical's point around self-esteem... are you craving her attention? As others have already mentioned, finding a reputable, qualified councillor to work things through with could be a great place to start. Sometimes, self-esteem might be due to childhood issues that follow us into adulthood. For example, when a child didn't get the love they required from parents may contribute to them being a bit needy in later life. Now please don't take that as an attack, I'm just throwing some stuff out here that you might identify with. I know the latter scenario is pretty relevant in my circumstances and Ive head to work hard to not smother my partner (I had an amazing councillor who helped me work this stuff out sit doesn't consume me). Anyway, just some ideas that may or may not resonate. What do you think? All the best with things and I hope your weekend runs smoothly with your girlfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aarreola2010 Posted June 20, 2015 Author Share Posted June 20, 2015 I can't take it. I told her i wanted to change and i am looking for a therapist and she said she is proud and maybe it will help things but she still needs time to think and she needs her space. I dont want to lose her i already miss her so damn much i love her more than anything my weekend has been so crappy. Link to post Share on other sites
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