Broke NC, wife attempts vague contact!

[MatchStick]

Hi All, This is almost too good to keep to myself. I've been strictly NC with my MM for about 2 years. I suspected he attempted contact several times. The phone he calls from gives a distinct Sender signature. I never contacted him back to see if he did try to reach me. Ok, so it has just happened, I am to take a business trip landing me about 35 minutes (by car) from his house. To put it straight, it was just as awkward to say something to him as not to. Not expecting anything, I contacted to let him know I'd be in the area, and I thought I could be civil enough for a short public visit. My contact email was obviously (and I knew it would be) read by his wife. He contact me back on another email address, thanked me for reach out, declined further contact, and wished me all the best. Overall, I felt relieved and felt free. Now and forever, I can be in his town and never worry, and never look over my shoulder. I held civility in check as I felt my rejection of his best wishes. He just struck me as 'he doesn't get that' (well-wishing), and not after the way he treated me. Moving on: wife blocked me from FB a long, long time ago. (She's a semi-public figure and I'm sure didn't want to take the chance of everyone knowing her hubby was attracted to someone else...........despite almost a decade of their unhappy situation. Next thing I know, she sends me three messages on another social site........all cute little comments. ???? I immediately blocked her. After a few days, I discovered she had been searching my webpages in the last couple of months, and four years ago, and joined a mutual social group on FB, not as herself, but under a modification of a (hers) family member. Two years after she joined a mutual group, when my relation with her hubby was very much just friends, I met her, talked to her, and she never once mentioned it. I found my interaction with her 'weird' and sensed she was looking for something.

Here is what I learned: I thought interaction with BW could be potentially ugly. Maybe that was down the road. As it was, her contact made me feel cornered. Nothing I said or did would make this thing go 'right'. I wasn't the problem, he was. Walking away from a no-win situation, again, felt really freeing, and I enjoyed a lack of disruption in my personal peace.

 

 

I've read some women really miss their MM's, and get all sad. Not that I didn't, OK. I never expected, down the road, to feel pretty darn good about my decision to discontinue, felt the latest interaction to make me feel good, and certainly was barely effected by his decline.

 

 

For me, it all worked out well. Hope the same for all others, or that they are coming up on it soon.

[Popsicle]

Real closure is good.

[Lois_Griffin]

I wasn't the problem, he was. Walking away from a no-win situation, again, felt really freeing, and I enjoyed a lack of disruption in my personal peace.

Yes, you WERE the problem. You said yourself that you sent him a message to let him know you'd be in the area and you KNEW his wife would see it.

 

That's just disrespectful as hell and completely unnecessary.

 

I've read some women really miss their MM's, and get all sad. Not that I didn't, OK. I never expected, down the road, to feel pretty darn good about my decision to discontinue, felt the latest interaction to make me feel good, and certainly was barely effected by his decline.

The affair has been over for 2 years. You didn't 'need' anything at this point. All you did was disrupt the BS's life - and for what? So YOU could feel good? Next time, you might want to consider other people's feelings instead of ONLY your own. The world doesn't revolve around YOU.

 

Unreal.

[Morro72]

I've read some women really miss their MM's, and get all sad.

I've read that some women claim to not miss their MMs, but are secretly obsessed with them and arrange business trips so that they will be near their homes and then break NC just hoping that something happens.

[finally43]

Why would you send him an email, 2 years after the end of the affair, asking To see him? I'm really confused.

 

How do you "know" what his wife looked at? Why do you think she cares? Why do you care...it's been over for 2 years!

[aliveagain]

Why should they care that your going to be 35 minutes away from their home, big frikken deal. It's time you left this family alone, it's been 2 years.

[whichwayisup]

Why would you send him an email, 2 years after the end of the affair, asking To see him? I'm really confused.

 

How do you "know" what his wife looked at? Why do you think she cares? Why do you care...it's been over for 2 years!

 

I'm sure he thought you were 'fishing' by contacting him.

 

I agree, after TWO years of NC, you know your A is over, why on earth would you reach out? Seems you were hoping he'd say yes.

 

Good for him for saying no and asking you to not contact him again. Sorry to be blunt, but you did create unnecessary drama, hence his wife contacting you.

 

He's moved on and hasn't looked back. Time for you to do the same. Forget him.

[MissBee]

I think it's a little bizarre to not speak to someone for 2 years after your affair ends, then send an email to them for a "public visit" to an email address you say you know their former BW can read and check, all because of a business trip 35 minutes away from their house.

 

I mean...unless you were going to specifically see him in your place of business then I could sort of kind of vaguely get why you'd want to clear the air so that your professional relationship goes smoothly. But if he wasn't going to be involved in the business, I don't think it was at all necessary. Unless you were staying in his neighborhood, next door or knew for a fact you would HAVE to see him, I don't think reaching out simply because you'll be in someone's city if you are their former OW and have been in NC for 2 years really makes sense. Are you sure you have closure? I hope so and I'll take you at your word, but next time IMO, don't reach out. It is going to always seem like fishing and esp since you know his wife can see it, why? Did you secretly want to aggravate her? I mean how do you think she would feel? Great that her husband's former OW has reached out for a possible friendly meet up? If he had not declined then what? You'd have met up and then said what exactly? Did what exactly?

 

I have lived in the same city as exes and frequent places where they could potentially be, and no, I don't email them saying hey I am 35 minutes from your house just in case you want to meet? Why? It's likely you'd never see or bump into him anyway. And even if you did? So what? At that point say hello, how are you and keep it moving. Believe it or not, I've never seen ANY of my exes out and about even though some of them live in the same city as me. I would constantly worry about seeing one ex where it ended badly, and I often worried about it esp when I'd go to stores and places he and I would go to, but I never once saw him. I'm long over it, I think he lives in the UAE now anyway, but if I did see him somewhere I'd simply say hey, long time and keep it moving or if he didn't see me I'd just carry on as if I didn't see him...if I'm ever in his neck of the woods in Abu Dhabi though, I won't be emailing him to say I'll be there can we meet.

Edited June 20, 2015 by MissBee

[Josmatjes]

Ok, I think you are the one who is a little obsessed. If you weren't you would not even be vaguely aware that she is looking you up. Obviously you are looking for this.

 

35 minutes from someone's home and you text him?? Really?? I think you wanted him to want you again!!

 

You need to move on!

[MatchStick]

 

35 minutes from someone's home and you text him?? Really?? I think you wanted him to want you again!!

 

 

 

Interesting responses!! I appreciate them, and understand, however I left out a great deal of details. At the writing, I was more interested in the outcome than describing the trail.

 

 

A. I did not text 35 minutes from his home. I called an acceptable phone number he gave me, 4 months in advance of my arrival, and from my home 3000 miles away.

 

 

B. I had no control over where in the US I was awarded this trip. Relevance with overlapping areas of work. And there is history. People can mean more to us than 'to screw' or 'not to screw'.

 

 

C. He had a habit of not telling wife nothing. It was OK with me she 'might' be reading an email. I would have preferred he 'tell' her himself, but I don't think it goes that way with him. Had he told her everything, she would have known an PA is not going to happen. Me calling the house would have been completely not right. My message didn't exactly convey any real thrill about it either.

 

 

D. Our relation was Emotional, with public visits once/twice a year. And his interest on him more than me, and when wife finds out his attentions, he is resilient to our termination, wants to continue, and wants me to continue in hiding his interaction (even more non-involved than involved) In any case, I'm 2-3000 miles away, and the whole idea of Big Affair is just ridiculous.

 

 

Goes like this. I told him I wanted to be able to do something like come over for a BBQ on a Sunday afternoon. I want to send a Xmas card to the family, and have dinner with his children. I said I hoped I knew him for a good, long, time. As far as I'm concerned, I left this potential wide open.

 

 

I stand by my decisions, with all that I know, all that I've discussed with close friends, and all that has been written. And I can proceed into my life looking for or being able to look for the kinds of social interactions that are fair to me, in which I feel I can mitigate, and evolve in the way I want them to.

 

 

Once again, I appreciate all the comments. I suspected things might be seen as some have responded.

[Lurkeraspect]

Interesting responses!! I appreciate them, and understand, however I left out a great deal of details. At the writing, I was more interested in the outcome than describing the trail.

 

 

A. I did not text 35 minutes from his home. I called an acceptable phone number he gave me, 4 months in advance of my arrival, and from my home 3000 miles away.

 

 

B. I had no control over where in the US I was awarded this trip. Relevance with overlapping areas of work. And there is history. People can mean more to us than 'to screw' or 'not to screw'.

 

 

C. He had a habit of not telling wife nothing. It was OK with me she 'might' be reading an email. I would have preferred he 'tell' her himself, but I don't think it goes that way with him. Had he told her everything, she would have known an PA is not going to happen. Me calling the house would have been completely not right. My message didn't exactly convey any real thrill about it either.

 

 

D. Our relation was Emotional, with public visits once/twice a year. And his interest on him more than me, and when wife finds out his attentions, he is resilient to our termination, wants to continue, and wants me to continue in hiding his interaction (even more non-involved than involved) In any case, I'm 2-3000 miles away, and the whole idea of Big Affair is just ridiculous.

 

 

Goes like this. I told him I wanted to be able to do something like come over for a BBQ on a Sunday afternoon. I want to send a Xmas card to the family, and have dinner with his children. I said I hoped I knew him for a good, long, time. As far as I'm concerned, I left this potential wide open.

 

 

I stand by my decisions, with all that I know, all that I've discussed with close friends, and all that has been written. And I can proceed into my life looking for or being able to look for the kinds of social interactions that are fair to me, in which I feel I can mitigate, and evolve in the way I want them to.

 

 

Once again, I appreciate all the comments. I suspected things might be seen as some have responded.

 

What? Are you serious? Ahhh, just no.

[Josmatjes]

The bottom line is that you absolutely cannot be friends with this man and go to his house for a bar b que and hang out with his kids. It doesn't matter how long you've known him. Why do you even want this? I really don't understand.

You seem very articulate and well read so I don't understand why you would want this...

[MatchStick]

Of course......I learned that about his relation, and not pleasantly.

 

 

My message wasn't this context, just about how good I feel regaining my sense of freedom and good feeling.

 

 

Of course I'm not going to contact him again. Not even if I move in next door.

[MatchStick]

The bottom line is that you absolutely cannot be friends with this man and go to his house for a bar b que and hang out with his kids. .

 

I DID want this..........early on. He certainly led me to believe it. That was the past and I was giving context in hopes of illuminating current decision. I know this won't materialize.....nothing along the lines of what I would consider mitigatable.

[MatchStick]

Why would you send him an email, 2 years after the end of the affair, asking To see him? I'm really confused.

 

How do you "know" what his wife looked at? Why do you think she cares? Why do you care...it's been over for 2 years!

 

 

Know? Cell phones messages as incoming notifications.

[Lurkeraspect]

Know? Cell phones messages as incoming notifications.

 

Too bad you didn't block him two years ago.

[MatchStick]

I'm sure he thought you were 'fishing' by contacting him.

 

I agree, after TWO years of NC, you know your A is over, why on earth would you reach out? Seems you were hoping he'd say yes.

 

Good for him for saying no and asking you to not contact him again. Sorry to be blunt, but you did create unnecessary drama, hence his wife contacting you.

 

He's moved on and hasn't looked back. Time for you to do the same. Forget him.

 

 

Ok, I could have cared less what he thought. He was told straight and I asked him to let me go. (You know, several different things could have evolved, but this one the most likely).

 

 

It wasn't about what he thought. Oh, please, ME causing a drama in his world? And this wasn't a two way street or more? That wasn't the point.

 

 

I concur: I'm more than OK with his decline.

 

 

I don't know exactly what it was, but the end result and through time, the good feeling of this association moving out of my life was just wonderful. I've read so many stories about women (mostly women writers) never getting over associations. Maybe, for me, it was a signature, the dry ink, that this not-good-for-me at the bottom line situation was gone and over.

It really was real, and it was good.

[MatchStick]

Too bad you didn't block him two years ago.

 

 

 

That guy was sneaky! And he has a work phone I can't call back on unless I have the exact number. And I suspect he's the one that called from a pay phone twice. I didn't have a smart phone then. He and all numbers are on a auto reject list.

 

 

I don't know his current status with wifey, but I'll never know. He's not leaving her, and not going to leave me alone and just be a pal.

 

 

I

[MatchStick]

Yes, you WERE the problem. You said yourself that you sent him a message to let him know you'd be in the area and you KNEW his wife would see it.

 

That's just disrespectful as hell and completely unnecessary.

 

 

The affair has been over for 2 years. You didn't 'need' anything at this point. All you did was disrupt the BS's life - and for what? So YOU could feel good? Next time, you might want to consider other people's feelings instead of ONLY your own. The world doesn't revolve around YOU.

 

Unreal.

 

 

Ahh, no. I think my intent has been misunderstood. This wasn't a PA. I see the Catch 22 now more than ever.

[whichwayisup]

Ok, I could have cared less what he thought. He was told straight and I asked him to let me go. (You know, several different things could have evolved, but this one the most likely).

 

 

It wasn't about what he thought. Oh, please, ME causing a drama in his world? And this wasn't a two way street or more? That wasn't the point.

 

Yes it is on your behalf. 2 years of NC and you break it. Current time, not past...

I concur: I'm more than OK with his decline.

 

You disappointed at all? Again, I think that it's good he said no. It means he's moved on and has no interest in seeing or speaking to you as he's focused on his wife, moving forward not backwards. You're not a past girlfriend popping into town to say hi, you're an ex affair partner.

 

I don't know exactly what it was, but the end result and through time, the good feeling of this association moving out of my life was just wonderful. I've read so many stories about women (mostly women writers) never getting over associations. Maybe, for me, it was a signature, the dry ink, that this not-good-for-me at the bottom line situation was gone and over.

It really was real, and it was good.

 

Sorry I'm wrong here, so basically opening the door up again after 2 years of NC (you breaking contact) for him to close the door on you now has set you free and you feel good? Why does it take him to do that and not the 2 years of NC previous?

[whichwayisup]

That guy was sneaky! And he has a work phone I can't call back on unless I have the exact number. And I suspect he's the one that called from a pay phone twice. I didn't have a smart phone then. He and all numbers are on a auto reject list.

 

 

I don't know his current status with wifey, but I'll never know. He's not leaving her, and not going to leave me alone and just be a pal.

 

 

 

Question? You call his wife "wifey". Usually when OW call their (current or exMM) wives that, it's intentional and there's some anger and resentment towards her. Are you angry at his wife? If so, why? What did she do to you?

[Lurkeraspect]

That guy was sneaky! And he has a work phone I can't call back on unless I have the exact number. And I suspect he's the one that called from a pay phone twice. I didn't have a smart phone then. He and all numbers are on a auto reject list.

 

 

I don't know his current status with wifey, but I'll never know. He's not leaving her, and not going to leave me alone and just be a pal.

 

 

I

 

It's been two years...

 

It's over.

 

Anything that he offers you is an open invitation to NOTHING.

 

Two years.

 

Done.

 

I honestly don't get what you're up about. It's been over for a long time.

[Lurkeraspect]

And, FYI,

 

He doesn't want to be your friend, rather you're, FB. Big difference.

[MatchStick]

Yes, you WERE the problem. You said yourself that you sent him a message to let him know you'd be in the area and you KNEW his wife would see it.

 

That's just disrespectful as hell and completely unnecessary.

 

The affair has been over for 2 years. You didn't 'need' anything at this point. All you did was disrupt the BS's life - and for what? So YOU could feel good? Next time, you might want to consider other people's feelings instead of ONLY your own. The world doesn't revolve around YOU.

 

Unreal.

 

I wonder if you would write the same to him if I told you (truthfully) he attempted contact for the first year of NC. And didn't want NC, but wanted to continue our friendship besides wife making him choose who to spend time with?

 

 

It is weird to live your life via auto reject lists, let me tell you. Because I would be too easily pulled into marital problems, right or wrong, I initiated the NC. Note, I'm not able to 'prove' he attempted contact.......just not that stupid either.

 

 

Contact was a luxury. Remember, I can't call his house. I want the wife to read the email. (And for the record, her responses are on her, not me. I didn't make her feel a thing. She made of it what she wanted. Oh, yeah, no one in the universe sent me a thank you card for insisting and blocking her husband while those two were supposed to be all kissy make-up.) My contact about my travel/work success was about the only thing I did have to say to him. Any will to interact was begrudging. Wife read. Hubby declined: wife read that too. That should make her happy. There really would be no need for her to attempt contact with me. Pestilence gone. Ok, or maybe she's going by the old rule book: be friends/friendly with the OW, and she'll have second thoughts about her actions. I don't want that on me! And just because he 'declined', with her reading, doesn't mean he's going to. He did give me (without her knowing) his private address. Here's the thing: they both know where I'll generally be and when. She can watch him. Not me.

 

 

It's cruddy to have carried this inner anxiety: him on auto reject and if I run into him (when he was in my town in the first year NC), pretend I don't see him, slip behind pillars, etc.

 

 

This guy is good at the wiggle waggle. I forced him into a decline statement, and now, here at my home and there, it feels like I will never have to worry about the suspicious phone calls again. Or anything else. It's bigger than that....its the release and recovery from a vague anxiety.(Let's play a minute: had he accepted, do you really thing he would have told his wife if not for her monitoring?) And if he has been hanging on in his mind or had hopes down the road, there are no illusions here.

 

 

I feel so completely free of all the stickiness of this situation, and the unfairness. Maybe this step was the cross of the T, or the dot of the I. Maybe this was one step too much, however, unexpectedly, I love this feeling I can live without stigma.

[MatchStick]

Question? You call his wife "wifey". Usually when OW call their (current or exMM) wives that, it's intentional and there's some anger and resentment towards her. Are you angry at his wife? If so, why? What did she do to you?

Don't know what to say......meant nothing.

Clarification: I was a reluctant OW. Emotional affair, at best.

There is no point at being mad at her. I've longed learned that if a guy is in a relationship, or woman, and its not over by their decision, it never will be.

I made it clear I wouldn't be interested unless we were both single again, and then we would evaluate then. Stupid me. That was the inch.....