I don't understand our relationship

[rick812]

I posted a while back on the friendship page, but I thought posting on this page would be more appropriate. I am in love with one of my best female friends. Our situation is extremely complicated though.

 

A little bit of background. We met about three years ago and actually went on a date. I was just getting out of a long term relationship and wasn't ready to get into anything serious. I was under the impression that she was, so I did not pursue anything with her. We would talk regularly, but never went out again. Finally, after a few attempts to pursue something with me, she gave up. We then did not speak for several months. During this time she met someone else and ended up getting pregnant by him. I happened to give her a call out of the blue the day after she found out that she was pregnant. The father of the baby chose not to be there for her. I felt so bad for her that I started helping her out when I could. During her pregancy, we spent more and more time together. At the same time I started dating someone, but I saw how much it hurt my friend. Last night her friend told me that my friend had told her that she thought she was falling in love with me at that time. I stopped seeing this other girl, and the more time I spent with my friend, the stronger the feelings got for me. I too was falling in love with her, but obviously could do nothing about it.

 

By the end of the pregnancy, I was there every day for her, and even there for the birth of her son, foregoing the Bar exam. Well, after the birth, everything changed. The father came around on a limited basis, and they even briefly resumed a relationship. They did not work out and the father is not a major part of his son's life. At this time I still had not told her how I felt about her because i did not want to compicate things.

 

Her son was born in July 2003, and since then her son and I have become very close. I take him to day care every morning and pick him up most days as well (because of her line of work, she works long hours). He is speaking now and calls me "DaDa." I too have become very attached to her son.

 

About a year ago, I finally told my friend how I felt about her. I told her that I had fallen in love with her and that I would like to try a relationship with her. She said that she did not share those feelings, that we "would never work." She says that there is a certain awkwardness with us. She said that we would go right in to a marriage like relationship and that if it did not work, that our friendship would end. She also says that I am the perfect guy and that "on paper" we are perfect together. She has a pattern of dating jerks. Her longest relationship is only about six months, and she seems to be attracted to that. Maybe it has to do with the fact that her father left her when she was two. I just can't help to believe that she is not attracted to me because of the way i treat her. I am no longer a challenge.

 

I also have not been giving other women I have dated a chance and friend knows this. The one time where my friend thought that I might have something with a girl i dated, she freaked out.

 

I have tried "taking a break" from my friend, but every time she uses her son to get me back.

 

Within the past year, my friend has dated two guys, both of which did not treat her right. It is so frusterating because I know that at least at one time she found me attractive, and says that she still finds me atrractive. She says that i am good looking, successful, marriage material, the perfect guy. She sees how close her son and I have gotten, and we get along so well, but yet she just will not give us a chance. I don't understand it.

[Merin]

Damn thats so sad..

 

It seems to me this Girl is taking advantage of you...

 

She says you're perfect "On Paper" It sounds to me that she is attracted to the Guy she see's as unattainable, and that Guy who doesn't treat her so great...

 

This isn't fair at all to you... and on so many levels it isn't okay that she's doing this to her Son as well...

 

She is wanting you to have the role of Dad it seems to her Child.. for real.. My God you're doing more for this Girls Son then My Little Girls actual biological Dad does.. no lie!

 

She is allowing you and her son to develop a bond with one another.. and while that would be all okay and good to go had she been more upfront during the pregnancy and time the 2 of you were spending there in saying something along the lines of "Thank you so much for the FRIENDSHIP I'm happy MY Son will have a great Male role model in his life" instead of it seems leading you to believe there was a potential for a relationship with her...

 

My feeling on it is this... she is going to continue to seek out and date other Guys that she feels are more Her *Type* however it is also this *Type* that isn't all about helping her out with her Son or taking care of her for that matter... in time maybe she will want to start a relationship with you... but the potential for that IMO doesn't look good of that happening, not to mention... You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who's crazy about you.. not there because it's conveinant....

 

Good Luck

[SummerRae]

Rick, where are guys like you in my neck of the woods??

 

No, but seriously, you sound like an absolutely wonderful guy with his head on his shoulders. I have been where this girl is (not literally) but perhaps not fully pulling my weight in a friendship and using a wonderful friend as an ego boost in times of need. I’m not ashamed to admit that, though I wish I had of been a better friend to this friend.

 

But the problem was: I didn’t believe **truly believe** that I was good enough to deserve something so wonderful. And, truthfully, I saw his niceness as a weakness. He didn’t stand up to me enough. And perhaps I didn’t respect him enough for that??? I was wanting the bad boys because it was safe. It’s safe because you don’t have to really risk that close intimacy and the things that occur when you really open your heart up to another.

 

So this is, perhaps, what she is feeling. A desire for closeness, and yet an opposing inner belief that she is not good enough (which means that she sees your acts of kindness not as love, but as something flawed... how could someone possibly love her??)

 

I’m not fully, thoroughly through with this type of thinking, I think it’s a long process. But at least, I will no longer put up with ****. If a guy isn’t SHOWING he’s into me (and I’m not completely into him), I make myself walk away. How many times does someone need to be in a bad relationship?? It all depends........ it comes down to what she has the courage to face, within herself, I believe.

 

But I’ll bet she will realize how great you are and it will be too late, as Merin said.

Good luck and hope I could offer you something in my experience (or lack thereof, hehehe). Keep us posted.

[rick812]

Thank you Merin and SummerRae for your responses. I have never been in a situation like this before, so it is a little bit mind boggling for me. The interesting thing is that her friends and family tell her that she is going to regret this and she even says that she knows she is going to regret this. What is so frustrating is the fact that on a subconscience level, me treating her and her son so well is actually a turn off for her. She seems to be attracted to guys that don't give a s***about her. Like I mentioned in my post, her father left her when she was two, and she has never been in a long term relationship. I know that the only way she is going to realize what she has is by losing me, but I just can't abandon her and especially can't abandon her son.

[rick812]

I'm back for an update. I just found out from a third party that my friend is back sleeping with her son's father. She obviously doesn't want me to know. This guy has treated her so bad. I just can't believe she would do anything with him after the way he has treated her. I don't want to let her know that know, but I have to get out of this situation. Any advice??

[cleoelliptical]

I'm in the same boat with ya, guy...why can't we just get rid of the losers in our life and get with some winners.

 

She's been clear with her intentions with you. If I were you, I'd run for the hills, and find someone like you...wonderful, compassionate, gameless and sincere.

 

I feel for you, cuz I'm having a tough time running away from my friend, who only finds the time for me when he needs me...great, I'm his slave. He wants a bitchy girl, but you know what, I'm not, and I refuse to become one!

He has issues...we all do, but I'm not gonna change to make him love him.

 

Don't let her get the best of you. Or else you'll wind up bitter with the lack of reciprocations with your wonderful intentions.

 

Man, if I could meet someone straight and on-the-ball like you, I'd be thanking my lucky stars.

 

It's tough, cuz you've got so much emotion invested in this relationship, but walk away. Cuz no matter what you do for her, it's never enough.

 

Hopefully the stars will show you that you have so much more in front of you than you can see in your current cloud of smoke.

 

Best and good luck.