Complicated Relationship, Don't know where this is going?

[HopelessLove123]

Most of you probably won't understand my complicated relationship but I figured it would be interesting to get your feedback anyway.

 

I met my boyfriend while we were both married and we were involved in a polyamorous relationship. In other words we weren't cheating, it was our lifestyle. We both "Supposedly" fell in love with each other (Which is acceptable in poly). We went through a break up 8 months later. I did something stupid and there was no wanting to work it out on his end.

 

For about 1 year after, I continued to reach out to him, sometimes as just a friend and sometimes I just missed him and wanted to see if we could get back together. A year after our break-up, I found out that we was separated from his wife and we started seeing each other again. The moon and stars seemed to align and it seemed he wanted something more serious than before. Although, I came to find out he was completely emotionally unavailable after his nasty seperation and had a lot on his plate. He broke up with me again because he just couldn't give anything to me.

 

Well, I was still completely smitten, and felt whatever we had was meant to be and these circumstances that kept preventing us from really giving it a real chance had nothing to do with us not loving each other. It just seemed foolish to let something go when I was completely in love with him. So, I decided to leave my husband, we had our issues and I realized I was no longer in love with him. I also realized if I wanted a real chance with my now ex-boyfriend I needed to be alone.

 

It took sometime, but he's back! Only he is still saying he doesn't really want a real relationship and his wife is still living with him for financial reasons. we were only supposed to be friends but of course it's turned into more than that. He comes over about once a week and we hang out, have fun, and he spends the night. We have both professed how much we love each other, but he's not completely emotionally available. I feel like he's giving me what he can. I don't feel like he's playing any games with me. I think he's been hurt by whatever happened between him and his wife and can't see building another serious relationship. Of course this is devastating to me. I don't understand what I'm supposed to do? I want something more from him and ONLY him. When we were first together we used to text all the time and he wanted to see me as much as we could. Now after all he went through I still feel like he loves me and wants to be with me, but he's putting up these walls! Sometimes he doesn't respond to my texts messages, unless I directly asking him a question, he never lets me know what his plans are to see me, I'm usually the one to make the plans and usually he says yes (I'm not even about keeping score, it's just my life seems more stable and it's my house he's coming over to so ).

 

Ultimately I feel like he loves me and could possibly be in love with me, but he wants to deny himself and protect himself. He also wants to be able to think he's not tied down. He's told me many of times that if he's gonna be in a relationship it's cause he wants to, not because someone else is telling him he can't see anyone else. He's told me he doesn't want to see anyone right now but me, and if he ever was with anyone else he would tell me, but that's not what he wants. He's also told me that we just don't know where this is gonna go, we've been on and off for 4 years, we were just supposed to be friends and now it's more, so who knows what the future will hold.

 

I'm just frustrated, because he will only let me in on a certain level. The things most couples do on a day to day basis like talk or text about their day, I don't do with him because he says he has no interest in doing that, and whatever he needs to tell me he can tell me when he sees me. He always tells me I can call him if I need him, but honestly what would I call someone for who has made it clear they don't want that kind of relationship unless it were a true emergency..... kind of a turn off, but ....Unfortunately, I'm in love with him, and I believe true love only happens this way once in a lifetime. I'm not interested in pressuring another relationship. It's wired cause I kinda know where he's at after his separation since I feel that way about him......funny thing is he always used to tell me he never loved his wife the way he loved me. They never used to cuddle or kiss ..... LOL and when I say never I mean never ever! (Past, present ect) So it's hard to understand why he just wouldn't let that go and take a chance. I've always been there for him. Maybe it's the kids? IDK?

 

Is there anything I can do to draw him closer? I'm afraid to keep speaking about the future because he's already said he's not emotionally available, and that will just make him run. I feel stuck. Because I want him more than anything but he's not giving me what I need and I will not pressure any other relationships.......so I feel trapped.

[jen1447]

Can I ask you how it is that you were poly initially? Reason I wonder is that your sensibilities don't seem at all poly.

 

I'm poly and in romantic Rs with 4 people, so this isn't just idle curiosity on my part. I'm fully invested in all of them, equally, which I think is the way it has to be. It sounds like you were mainly poly in practice and didn't particularly love your ex-hubs.

[HopelessLove123]

Yea, we were swingers and met this couple who was poly. I guess I wasn't in love with my husband and used it as an out to find someone else or naively looking back, I honestly didn't know what I was getting into. But I came to find I wasn't really poly. Only wanted my cake and eat it too. If I had a choice I would just have a monogamous relationship with my boyfriend.