UPDATE: Whats this all about?

[SweetKitten]

So, since they shut down my other thread, I figured I'd update a little. I hadn't seen him since I posted, so with telling him that he was attractive, and getting a seemingly pleasant reply in regards to it, I was afraid that he might have told his wife.

 

I know a few of you think it was dumb of me to tell him that I thought he was attractive, but in all honesty, the first 18 years of my life, I was shy and quiet. I never flirted, I never took chances. But, I've come to realize with guys, it's almost easier to just ask, "Hey, what's up with us?" Rather than sit and wait in anticipation for nothing.

 

I am AWARE that this does not apply to married men. So, my actions aren't in any way justified.

 

Anyway, back to today. Today was my first time seeing him since I started my thread. I ignored him. I tried not to look at him, I didn't go out of my way to be near him, and when he did ask me questions (work related) I answered nicely and added nothing more to it.

 

He didn't say much to me after that. I was afraid that maybe he mentioned my comment to his wife, but, she also worked today, and she was just as nice to me as always.

 

Lunch time rolled around, we ended up having lunch together, but once again I made no attempt to conversate with him. And he didn't bother to talk to me either.

 

I did notice though, that he's not as friendly with other employees as he had been with me. Also, he seemed a bit off today.

 

Anyway, I did my best today, but what do you think he was thinking?

 

To keep from getting this thread closed too, don't say, "It doesn't matter what he was thinking, it's none of your business" I'm not in this thread to be criticized or patronized for asking questions and advice.

 

If you want to insult me or call me stupid, there's no room for that here either, because frankly I don't care.

[eye of the storm]

Just out of curiosity, what outcome are you looking for?

 

Are you hoping for an affair, just looking to flirt, wanting to screw with the wife, wanting him to leave his wife, or what?

 

Without knowing your endgame it is hard to know what his actions meant. As you are seeing what you want and maybe not what is there.

[RoseVille]

Repeating what I wrote to you before:

 

I have some observations that, when taken together, lead a lay shrink like myself to think that your self-worth is all tied up in sexual validation from men - your sexy handle, your sexualized avatar, an obsessive interest in a married man who hasn't even expressed interest in you yet it's obvious he's your target, to the point he's almost like your prey...

 

There are deep issues here that go well beyond your efforts to flirt with a married man and gauge his responsiveness to your efforts. I think you need to take a big step back and take your focus off him completely, and start looking at yourself and why you're thinking and behaving the way you are.

[sandylee1]

So, since they shut down my other thread, I figured I'd update a little. I hadn't seen him since I posted, so with telling him that he was attractive, and getting a seemingly pleasant reply in regards to it, I was afraid that he might have told his wife.

 

I know a few of you think it was dumb of me to tell him that I thought he was attractive, but in all honesty, the first 18 years of my life, I was shy and quiet. I never flirted, I never took chances. But, I've come to realize with guys, it's almost easier to just ask, "Hey, what's up with us?" Rather than sit and wait in anticipation for nothing.

 

I am AWARE that this does not apply to married men. So, my actions aren't in any way justified.

 

Anyway, back to today. Today was my first time seeing him since I started my thread. I ignored him. I tried not to look at him, I didn't go out of my way to be near him, and when he did ask me questions (work related) I answered nicely and added nothing more to it.

 

He didn't say much to me after that. I was afraid that maybe he mentioned my comment to his wife, but, she also worked today, and she was just as nice to me as always.

 

Lunch time rolled around, we ended up having lunch together, but once again I made no attempt to conversate with him. And he didn't bother to talk to me either.

 

I did notice though, that he's not as friendly with other employees as he had been with me. Also, he seemed a bit off today.

 

Anyway, I did my best today, but what do you think he was thinking?

 

To keep from getting this thread closed too, don't say, "It doesn't matter what he was thinking, it's none of your business" I'm not in this thread to be criticized or patronized for asking questions and advice.

 

If you want to insult me or call me stupid, there's no room for that here either, because frankly I don't care.

 

He was probably thinking you've got poor boundaries, especially as his wife works there too.

[minimariah]

Anyway, I did my best today, but what do you think he was thinking?

 

well, from your previous posts this is what i think is going on -

 

option 1

he has some kind of connection with you & is attracted to you, likes you. maybe he thought flirting was safe and harmless but now that you admitted and told him straight up that you find him attractive... he suddenly realized the "danger" & is probably confused, thinking about what should he do next.

 

he is probably in a limb - could be feeling guilty and could be trying to figure out what to do next and how to handle the situation.

 

he's confused, i'd say.

 

that's the 1st option. the 2nd option is that he isn't confused at all but feels uncomfortable because he was flirting with you as some kind of "hobby" without planning to do anything, knows his boundaries and has no desire to start an A so now he feels awkward and really isn't interested in anything more than daily flirt. at the end of the day, in that message he didn't compliment you back and today he didn't seem interested in starting something from that.

 

you'll know more with more time.

[SweetKitten]

Just out of curiosity, what outcome are you looking for?

 

I honestly don't know. I mean...I guess I know, but it's not good. But, then again, we're all in the OW/OM forum, so at some point we all had awful intentions whether we acted on them or not.

 

Also, I will say, if you haven't been in a situation like this, please don't comment. To me it seems anyone that has never been in a situation where they may be the OM/OW , can't truly give advice on it.

 

But, anyway, back to your question...in a not so morally perfect world, I'd love to be with him. But, it's not possible or practical.

[SweetKitten]

He was probably thinking you've got poor boundaries, especially as his wife works there too.

 

But, I kept my distance and haven't outwardly flirted with him at all at work, yet I still have poor boundaries?

 

 

I said he was attractive. Yet, my boundaries are poor even though I'm VERY professional at work. Okay.

 

That makes most of have poor boundaries. You included, more than likely. If you don't, then why are you replying? No disrespect. I just don't understand why people feel the need to comment on situations they have no experience with. We don't post to be criticized. We post to be guided.

[SweetKitten]

Repeating what I wrote to you before:

 

I have some observations that, when taken together, lead a lay shrink like myself to think that your self-worth is all tied up in sexual validation from men - your sexy handle, your sexualized avatar, an obsessive interest in a married man who hasn't even expressed interest in you yet it's obvious he's your target, to the point he's almost like your prey...

 

There are deep issues here that go well beyond your efforts to flirt with a married man and gauge his responsiveness to your efforts. I think you need to take a big step back and take your focus off him completely, and start looking at yourself and why you're thinking and behaving the way you are.

 

 

I'm not following him around and watching his every move.

 

To be fair, he decided to take his lunch five minutes after I took mine.

 

I do have a job to do. Since out of 9 hours, the amount of time I even acknowledged him today was probably less than five minutes, I'd say I'm doing pretty well.

There's also no sexual validation from men. I haven't even mentioned wanting to sleep with him.

Also, I'm not looking for a married man. I'm not looking for a man, period. Sometimes you can't help who you end up liking.

 

It just so happened to be him, unfortunately.

 

 

You're attempting to read into my psyche, but I do believe without properly sitting down and speaking with me one on one, you can't diagnose a deeper issue. Trust me. I have a therapist and that's most certainly not one of the things he has mentioned in two years.

[Popsicle]

I think he's thinking about how he feels about this and if he wants to continue engaging in this. After I told my xMM that I liked him, it took him 3 weeks to give me an answer. He was obviously thinking about it. He needed to because I'm sure he was struggling with it in his mind. Since that was the beginning, which is normally supposed to be filled with spontaneity, that should have been my first clue that he would be eternally conflicted and confused. And he never really progressed from that state in 3 years either, he only learned how to try to hide it better from me once he realized that it upset me and made me recoil from him. But I still always knew and ended up ending it anyway.

[Hope Shimmers]

I haven't even mentioned wanting to sleep with him.

 

Oh come on.

 

Your desire to have an affair/sleep with him is oozing out of every sentence that you post.

 

BTW, thick skin is required sometimes when posting here, in terms of being able to hear/read things you don't necessarily agree with. But really, what is the point of posting for others' advice if all you are going to get are things you have already considered?

 

And anyone can post in any forum; there is no requirement that people have direct experience in your type of situation.

 

Also, I'm not looking for a married man. I'm not looking for a man, period. Sometimes you can't help who you end up liking.

 

Yes you can help it; trust me. And yes, you are looking for THIS married man.

 

You are intrigued by the fact that he is married with 3 kids.

 

You are 22 years old. Lots and lots of single men out there your age.

 

As for what he is thinking, who knows? If I were him, and especially with his wife working at the same place, I would be running the other direction. That might explain why he is acting "odd".

 

You're attempting to read into my psyche, but I do believe without properly sitting down and speaking with me one on one, you can't diagnose a deeper issue. Trust me. I have a therapist and that's most certainly not one of the things he has mentioned in two years.

 

Actually I agree with Rose (which doesn't happen often; no offense Rose ) But I think you are needing male attention, just based on what you have posted here.

[Popsicle]

If he never responds to this, then it could be that he doesn't want to engage in an A with you (EA or PA), but he has trouble rejecting or saying no to a woman. Some men just can't say those words "Thanks but no thanks". It's against the masculine code or something....

[Sassy Girl]

But, I kept my distance and haven't outwardly flirted with him at all at work, yet I still have poor boundaries?

 

 

I said he was attractive. Yet, my boundaries are poor even though I'm VERY professional at work. Okay.

 

That makes most of have poor boundaries. You included, more than likely. If you don't, then why are you replying? No disrespect. I just don't understand why people feel the need to comment on situations they have no experience with. We don't post to be criticized. We post to be guided.

 

Your boundaries are poor because you Told him he was attractive There was no reason to send it other than to interfere with a married man. It was obviously not reciprocated. It appears it was also unwelcomed as indicative by his behaviour towards you since. I would be careful about approaching him any further or you may find yourself facing sexual harassment claims in the workplace. Especially given he has evidence by you putting it in writing.

 

This man may in fact love his wife and kids and family and may see you differently now. That's the thing about approaching married men - you won't know if he's receptive to an affair or whether he has integrity and values which means he wants to protect his marriage. Looks like he was the latter. Here's hoping he keeps what he knows to himself - because it's your reputation that's on the line now. And if it was my husband, I know he would share it with me, so it's likely huis wife now knows too.

 

And yes, I was an OW. But I would never ever conduct my affair with someone at work. Nor where I worked with their wife. i value my career and my reputation at work.

 

My advice - move on before you ruin your reputation. Because men in the workplace always fare better when there's a scandal than women.

[Popsicle]

I'm not looking for a man, period.

 

This actually might be a good time TO look for a single one.

 

Not looking (and feeling lonely) is how I fell into an A.

 

Now I'm aware...

[minimariah]

I'm not following him around and watching his every move.

(...)

I haven't even mentioned wanting to sleep with him.

(...)

Also, I'm not looking for a married man. I'm not looking for a man, period.

 

you do -- you do watch his every move, you analyze his behavior & you most definitely want to at least f@ck him. you ARE looking for this married man, you wouldn't even be here, you wouldn't even think about him if that wasn't the case.

 

i noticed you flip - flop a lot from being honest and telling us how you really feel and what you really want AND telling us what you think we want to hear in order to tone the entire situation down. your words and actions are in contradiction most of the time.

 

you went from posting a general topic about marrying a best friend to "i like him, he might be liking me but i can't get past the fact that he has 3 toddlers so i won't do anything" to "oops, i texted him and told him i find him attractive". then you go back again and say that you don't want an A when in reality you do want to be with him and then you say that you DO want to be with him but that it isn't possible even though you're here analyzing his behavior and asking for an advice on what to do next.

 

you either don't know what you want or you can't be honest with us and yourself.

[SweetKitten]

Oh come on.

 

Your desire to have an affair/sleep with him is oozing out of every sentence that you post.

 

BTW, thick skin is required sometimes when posting here, in terms of being able to hear/read things you don't necessarily agree with. But really, what is the point of posting for others' advice if all you are going to get are things you have already considered?

 

And anyone can post in any forum; there is no requirement that people have direct experience in your type of situation.

 

 

 

Yes you can help it; trust me. And yes, you are looking for THIS married man.

 

You are intrigued by the fact that he is married with 3 kids.

 

You are 22 years old. Lots and lots of single men out there your age.

 

As for what he is thinking, who knows? If I were him, and especially with his wife working at the same place, I would be running the other direction. That might explain why he is acting "odd".

 

 

 

Actually I agree with Rose (which doesn't happen often; no offense Rose ) But I think you are needing male attention, just based on what you have posted here.

 

 

Once again, male attention is not a factor.

 

Sex isn't either. For reasons I'd rather not go into.

 

Anyway, thank you for your opinion. I do appreciate you and Rose's replies.

[Popsicle]

Even if he were to return your feelings, what is supposed to do about it, considering that his wife works there? He doesn't even know if you're the type to walk right up to her and tell her if he returns your feelings. The man doesn't know what to do...

[minimariah]

I have a therapist and that's most certainly not one of the things he has mentioned in two years.

 

did you tell your therapist about this man...? if so - what did your therapist tell you?

[Sassy Girl]

Id also like to add that the reason people responded the way they did is because you seem to be actively targeting a married man and are attempting to interfere with a young family because you have some workplace crush.

 

This isn't about love or any other reason. You saw something and decided you wanted it even though it doesn't belong to you and there are 3 small people who would become collateral damage by your own design. Not to mention a wife who by all accounts doesn't deserve such disrespect from you. What you're doing is incredibly selfish and even thoug you know it's wrong you made the first move anyway. Why would you do that?

[elaine567]

For God's sake, STOP.

He has three little kids and a wife.

Think about them and not yourself.

[SweetKitten]

you do -- you do watch his every move, you analyze his behavior & you most definitely want to at least f@ck him. you ARE looking for this married man, you wouldn't even be here, you wouldn't even think about him if that wasn't the case.

 

i noticed you flip - flop a lot from being honest and telling us how you really feel and what you really want AND telling us what you think we want to hear in order to tone the entire situation down. your words and actions are in contradiction most of the time.

 

you went from posting a general topic about marrying a best friend to "i like him, he might be liking me but i can't get past the fact that he has 3 toddlers so i won't do anything" to "oops, i texted him and told him i find him attractive". then you go back again and say that you don't want an A when in reality you do want to be with him and then you say that you DO want to be with him but that it isn't possible even though you're here analyzing his behavior and asking for an advice on what to do next.

 

you either don't know what you want or you can't be honest with us and yourself.

 

 

I DO want him. No doubt about that. I DONT want to be a homewrecker. I DONT want to **** him. I can do that with anyone if that were genuinely my main concern. I could easily give in to the other guys that flirt with me at work if male attention was important, but I don't.

 

I did feel this attraction before I even KNEW he had a wife. It detered me to begin with. I didn't meet his wife until a month or so after he started working with us. I gave it the good old, "oh well, that sucks" until I felt like he was being too friendly. Which is why I took to this forum.

 

I don't want an affair. I really, really don't.

 

I'm doing my best to make heads or tails of this. It's a first and I'm very afraid that if it comes down to it, I will.

[SweetKitten]

He also didn't wear a ring at first. And she doesn't wear a ring.

[minimariah]

at first...? does that mean that he started wearing a ring after some time?

[SweetKitten]

When his wife started working, yes.

[Tread Carefully]

I hope this doesn't come out harsh as that is not my intent.

 

Honestly, I think the biggest thing you are attracted to is the challenge. You have other men that flirt with you etc but you pass right over them in favor of the one that you're not supposed to have. The one that isn't available and easy to get.

[Sassy Girl]

He also didn't wear a ring at first. And she doesn't wear a ring.

 

Doesn't mean anything. I took my rings off when I was pregnant and didn't get around to putting them back on for ages. Stop analysing things because you're only seeing it the way you want and not the way it is.

 

Ring or no ring - he's married. That means hands off.