UPDATE: Whats this all about?

[SweetKitten]

Doesn't mean anything. I took my rings off when I was pregnant and didn't get around to putting them back on for ages. Stop analysing things because you're only seeing it the way you want and not the way it is.

 

Ring or no ring - he's married. That means hands off.

 

I wasn't analyzing. I just mentioned it.

[SweetKitten]

I hope this doesn't come out harsh as that is not my intent.

 

Honestly, I think the biggest thing you are attracted to is the challenge. You have other men that flirt with you etc but you pass right over them in favor of the one that you're not supposed to have. The one that isn't available and easy to get.

 

The challenge is off-putting. The thought of an A is sickening. A friend (ex friend) had an A with a married man and it disgusted me. I cut her off .

 

I'm not justifying anything I'm doing. It's awful, I know. But I'm making an effort to let it go.

[RoseVille]

The challenge is off-putting.

 

Hence why you're so frustrated and obsessive about it. You're so used to having men fall all over you because you put it out there so obviously, and are now all verklempt that your usual efforts aren't working.

[jwi71]

I DO want him. No doubt about that. I DONT want to be a homewrecker. I DONT want to **** him. I can do that with anyone if that were genuinely my main concern. I could easily give in to the other guys that flirt with me at work if male attention was important, but I don't.

 

I did feel this attraction before I even KNEW he had a wife. It detered me to begin with. I didn't meet his wife until a month or so after he started working with us. I gave it the good old, "oh well, that sucks" until I felt like he was being too friendly. Which is why I took to this forum.

 

I don't want an affair. I really, really don't.

 

I'm doing my best to make heads or tails of this. It's a first and I'm very afraid that if it comes down to it, I will.

 

Lots of contradiction here - and I'm only referring to the above quote. And, that's pretty normal - when a "wave" of emotion hits one that, in some sense, violates other emotions or beliefs. Cognitive dissonance.

 

You appear to be in quite a heap of it.

 

You have said you want him but don't want an A but you will will if it comes down to it.

 

Given some of your attempts to moderate replies and "stick your fingers in your ears at words you care to not hear (well read)" - you are, to me, simply trying to get approval from others to have an A. Well, you don't need it. You will do as you will.

 

What I think might help you is to think about your

 

1) goals as it pertains to this guy

2) what you can do to affect the outcome you desire per (1) above

3) and CRUCIALLY - the consequences.

 

(1) and (2) I think are already settled. You want an A and emotional/physical intimacy.

 

What should think about is (3). The fallout. And not just when/if you get caught. The fallout if "you get away with it". Every action has a consequence and we always pay the price even if we don't know its cost. And you should be VERY wary here. The ice upon which you tread is thin.

 

So...whats the best outcome for you? The worst? How will this affect your job or your budding career? How will it affect your friends and family? How does it affect YOU?

 

For starters...read some threads. Read their outcomes. Are those posters in a good or bad place? Do you think they would , again, enter into an A? Does their journey appeal to you?

 

An A is a very bad place to be. They hurt. Many people.

 

(and workplace A's never seem to be as cleverly hidden as the participants lead themselves to believe - IME)

[SweetKitten]

No disrespect to Rose and Sassy, but you have both actually been with MM...But my crush is the worst thing I can do?

I'll be sure to read through your threads so I can get a better understanding of your situations as well.

 

I understand you're trying to keep me from making the same mistakes. And I do appreciate that. So much.

 

 

Minimariah and Jen have both given the best advice in my opinion. They're harsh without being rude. They advise without telling me what to do.

 

I'm not going after him. Theres no way in hell my conscience would let me fo it. The message was a big enough mistake.

[Sassy Girl]

No disrespect to Rose and Sassy, but you have both actually been with MM...But my crush is the worst thing I can do?

I'll be sure to read through your threads so I can get a better understanding of your situations as well.

 

I understand you're trying to keep me from making the same mistakes. And I do appreciate that. So much.

 

 

Minimariah and Jen have both given the best advice in my opinion. They're harsh without being rude. They advise without telling me what to do.

 

I'm not going after him. Theres no way in hell my conscience would let me fo it. The message was a big enough mistake.

 

Lol... It's a rare day when Rose and I get lumped together - that alone should tell you something.

 

We are trying to give you the benefit of our experiences. Take it or leave it.

 

We also want to give you some insight into how you are being perceived. Doesn't matter whether you think it's true or not. Perception is always someone's version of the truth. How you are perceived to your colleagues will become their truth.

[RoseVille]

No disrespect to Rose and Sassy, but you have both actually been with MM...But my crush is the worst thing I can do?

I'll be sure to read through your threads so I can get a better understanding of your situations as well.

 

I understand you're trying to keep me from making the same mistakes. And I do appreciate that. So much.

 

 

Minimariah and Jen have both given the best advice in my opinion. They're harsh without being rude. They advise without telling me what to do.

 

I'm not going after him. Theres no way in hell my conscience would let me fo it. The message was a big enough mistake.

 

I haven't told you what to do, other than take a huge step back and evaluate YOURSELF and your motivations rather than his.

 

Yes, I'm imvolved with a MM. Or was. That seems to change week to week. But I didn't seek him out, I didn't initiate anything. You are CHASING him.

 

Even if he were single, I'd find your obsession, frankly, embarrassing.

[eye of the storm]

SweetKitten, I have seen many posts on this site regarding being an OM/OW. Lots and lots of advice, but none "guiding" a person on how to start an A.

 

 

Just because you are on this page doesn't mean posters are going to support you getting into an A. And that is what I read when I read your posts.

 

 

I agree you can't decide who you are attracted to, but you are very busy trying to figure out what his words, moods, and actions mean. That says to me that you are trying to justify you going after a MM.

 

 

But just because you are attracted to someone does not mean you have to act on it. You made a choice to text a MM that you were attracted to him. You claim that you act professionally at work but your actions do not match that.

 

 

The best thing, IMHO, is for you to focus your attention somewhere else. When you want to focus on him, think about your credit score or what mess Justin Bieber is getting into next.

 

 

And before you start nattering on about how only OW/OM can understand...I am one. 5 years with the same MM. Mine hasn't been as toxic as some but even a mellow A affects you. And rarely in good ways.

 

 

Read the posts on this forum, learn from the people who have the battle scars, no need to acquire your own. Good luck.

[SweetKitten]

Even if he were single, I'd find your obsession, frankly, embarrassing.

 

Frankly anyone who posts about their MM, H or anything else in a forum dedicated to being an OW could be perceived as an obsession. Either way you flip it, we're all horrible people. Horrible homewrecking people. Sleeping with a married man is horrible. It comes off as uppity, the ego boost you get knowing this man who vowed his life and love to another woman would rather be with you. Do you feel accomplished? I certainly don't.

 

Crushes aren't obsessive.

 

I can run to the back of the store every time he comes near me. Or I can face him head on. Confidence is key. I'm not going to cower in a corner if he talks to me (or stares occasionally, which he does).

 

My part ends here. No messages, no more contact apart from what I did today. The ball is in his court. If by some chance, he is looking for an A, I assume I'll see where it ends up (hopefully it won't end up anywhere) or he can choose to let it go, then that's even better.

[SweetKitten]

If I were looking for advice on how to start an A, I wouldn't be here. The first forum I found was glorifying As and I knew that's not what I needed to hear. I needed to hear truth.

 

But, with that being said, none of you can tell me what I'm doing. I haven't CHASED him. HE initiated flirting, I didn't reciprocate. The worst I've done to date is send that message and believe me, I regret it.

[RoseVille]

If I were looking for advice on how to start an A, I wouldn't be here.

 

Then WHY are you here??

 

I needed to hear truth.

 

You're receiving it, but you don't really want to hear it.

 

I haven't CHASED him. HE initiated flirting, I didn't reciprocate. The worst I've done to date is send that message and believe me, I regret it.

 

Yes, you have chased him, and yes, you are reciprocating, and yes, you are obsessing.

 

If you're not looking for an affair with a married man, you would NOT be here, period. I interact with attractive married men all day, every day. It's a non-issue. For you, it's an issue, because you "want" him. How can you say you "want him" in one breath, and that you're not looking for an "affair" in another?

 

Do you want a ONS with a married guy? Is that it?

[RoseVille]

Frankly anyone who posts about their MM, H or anything else in a forum dedicated to being an OW could be perceived as an obsession.

 

Except, we're in actual relationships with the people we post about.

 

Either way you flip it, we're all horrible people. Horrible homewrecking people.

 

Go 'head and put that label on yourself, since that's what you're actively intending to do. That's not the case for all of us.

 

It comes off as uppity, the ego boost you get knowing this man who vowed his life and love to another woman would rather be with you. Do you feel accomplished? I certainly don't.

 

You shouldn't feel that way, because he didn't tell you that he'd rather be with you.

 

But you WANT him to tell you that. Admit it to yourself, that's the first step in dealing with all of this.

 

Crushes aren't obsessive.

 

Not all. But yours is.

 

The ball is in his court. If by some chance, he is looking for an A, I assume I'll see where it ends up (hopefully it won't end up anywhere) or he can choose to let it go, then that's even better.

 

PROOF that you're actively looking for an affair with this man.

 

You're lying to yourself, Sweet.

[SweetKitten]

I am evaluating myself. I purposefully spent time with his W because she's lovely and hurting her would make me feel like a b*tch.

 

I went out of my way to avoid him like you all said. Now, I'm working on me.

 

But, my God I didn't mean for this to become another debate. It's a discussion. Advice. Not advice on how to initiate an A, but how to move on or if I can't, how to lessen the blow.

 

And no, I'm not an emotionless sociopath. I can't just drop my feelings for him.

 

None of you women (apart from a few brave souls) can say you can just drop your feelings for the MM you're with. Deep down you may know it's right, but do you truly want to? And if you do, how on earth because you're a super woman.

 

That's why NC is so difficult, right? It's the right thing, but your heart is telling you it hurts.

 

No, I don't know for a fact how it feels. I hope I never have to.

 

Some people respond to a sharp slap to the face and others respond better to being led to the right thing. I'm the latter.

 

So, some of the more harsh advice will bring out my defense, and other less harsh advice will get through better.

[Sassy Girl]

I am evaluating myself. I purposefully spent time with his W because she's lovely and hurting her would make me feel like a b*tch.

 

I went out of my way to avoid him like you all said. Now, I'm working on me.

 

But, my God I didn't mean for this to become another debate. It's a discussion. Advice. Not advice on how to initiate an A, but how to move on or if I can't, how to lessen the blow.

 

And no, I'm not an emotionless sociopath. I can't just drop my feelings for him.

 

None of you women (apart from a few brave souls) can say you can just drop your feelings for the MM you're with. Deep down you may know it's right, but do you truly want to? And if you do, how on earth because you're a super woman.

That's why NC is so difficult, right? It's the right thing, but your heart is telling you it hurts.

 

No, I don't know for a fact how it feels. I hope I never have to.

 

Some people respond to a sharp slap to the face and others respond better to being led to the right thing. I'm the latter.

 

So, some of the more harsh advice will bring out my defense, and other less harsh advice will get through better.

 

You women? Umm that's you too, sweetheart.

 

And for the record, I did end it with my MM. Because his wife was suspicious and even though we care about each other it was the smart thing to do for everyone involved. How did we do it? We just stopped. We decided we were done and we were. We even caught up for coffee after the decision was made and we respected the boundaries we put in place - no kissing, no touching, no reminiscing. Now just friends. And that was after a very intense and passionate affair for ~9 months. Over. Done.

 

It actually is that easy.

[SweetKitten]

Then WHY are you here??

 

So I am supposed to be looking for advice on how to start an A?

 

 

 

 

Yes, you have chased him, and yes, you are reciprocating, and yes, you are obsessing.

 

How am I chasing? I would have to actively be flirting to chase. Unless I am mistaken on how chasing works.

And how am I reciprocating? I made the mistake in messaging him. He replied, I didn't. I didn't talk to him today. Didn't bother to ask him to cover my breaks, yet I'm totally reciprocating and chasing. Please do tell me how I am and I'll be sure to correct it. I thought NC was letting it go. Maybe I'm mistaken about that as well.

 

If you're not looking for an affair with a married man, you would NOT be here, period. I interact with attractive married men all day, every day. It's a non-issue. For you, it's an issue, because you "want" him. How can you say you "want him" in one breath, and that you're not looking for an "affair" in another?

 

So although your MM chased you (because it has to go one way or the other) and you found out he was in fact MARRIED, it didn't occur to you to end it right then an there? That seems like the best advice, tbh. You like/love him but he is MARRIED. That's that. You had the choice to end it, yet you didn't. You're fueling that fire just like the rest of us. The only saints here are those that find out and move on.

 

 

Do you want a ONS with a married guy? Is that it?

 

Absolutely not. Good Lord. It's not all about sex. Did it ever occur to you that maybe that's not my intention? Maybe spending time with him is enough. Helping him set up his own store, going to movies with him, listening to him go on about Bat man and all the other insanely cute nerdy things he's told me about.

 

I've had sex with ONE guy and it was a mistake. I'm not in any rush to do it again with someone just for the thrill.

 

You are thinking the worst. In this case, yes I'm a bad person. But ANYONE who is actively and knowingly engaged in an A or attempting to engage in one is wrong. And you cannot justify that and say that they arent.

[RoseVille]

You are in a forum dedicated to those who find themselves involved with a committed partner. So please stop saying you're not interested in getting involved with him romantically. It's palpably obvious to everyone who's reading your threads that that's precisely what you're after.

 

And I challenge you to examine why you're doing this.

[SweetKitten]

You women? Umm that's you too, sweetheart.

 

And for the record, I did end it with my MM. Because his wife was suspicious and even though we care about each other it was the smart thing to do for everyone involved. How did we do it? We just stopped. We decided we were done and we were. We even caught up for coffee after the decision was made and we respected the boundaries we put in place - no kissing, no touching, no reminiscing. Now just friends. And that was after a very intense and passionate affair for ~9 months. Over. Done.

 

It actually is that easy.

 

 

I commend you for that. I really do.

 

And yes, I know that's me as well. I should have said "Us women" instead. My apologies.

[RoseVille]

And no, I'm not an emotionless sociopath. I can't just drop my feelings for him.

 

None of you women (apart from a few brave souls) can say you can just drop your feelings for the MM you're with. Deep down you may know it's right, but do you truly want to? And if you do, how on earth because you're a super woman.

 

That's why NC is so difficult, right? It's the right thing, but your heart is telling you it hurts.

 

Comparing your crush, which you describe as non-obsessive, to the real relationships we've built with our MM, emotional, physical, deep intimate relationships, many of which have gone on for years, just doesn't make much sense.

 

Yes, you CAN just move on from a crush. He's MARRIED. You haven't even started anything. STOP IT ALL right now, and trust, you'll move on 100000000x quicker than if you allow any of this - including your fantasies - to continue.

[SweetKitten]

You are in a forum dedicated to those who find themselves involved with a committed partner. So please stop saying you're not interested in getting involved with him romantically. It's palpably obvious to everyone who's reading your threads that that's precisely what you're after.

 

And I challenge you to examine why you're doing this.

 

 

Believe you, me...that's not my purpose for joining this forum. I joined to ask if he seemed interested, to be honest.

 

What was I going to do with that information? Hell, I don't know. Maybe I would enter an A.

 

It seems to me as though you're saying it's fine if the MM is the one attempting to initiate it. Either way it's wrong.

 

If I were to evaluate myself right now, if he asked me, I'd say yes. I would. But I would feel like crap and my self esteem would reach an all time low and the one thing I want would be the one thing I can't have and it's not worth the emotional turmoil. You all (and I say you all because I'm not with a MM right now) know the emotional pain that comes with it. I'm not blind to the fact.

 

The funny thing is, if any of you watch Scandal, people have been pulling for that A! But in real life, that would be looked down upon. I'm in no place to say that it should or shouldn't because then I'd be a hypocrite.

 

But, yes I want him. Yes, I want an A. Not for the thrill, not for the pain, but for him. If he was single, I'd still want him. I'd want him no matter what and that's my predicament. That's where I need to put on my big girl pants and realize it's wrong. Realize there are kids and realize his wife is sweet and doesn't deserve it. But nobody's W deserves it.

[SweetKitten]

Comparing your crush, which you describe as non-obsessive, to the real relationships we've built with our MM, emotional, physical, deep intimate relationships, many of which have gone on for years, just doesn't make much sense.

 

That sounds awful. We should ALL be working on relationships with men that aren't taken.

 

Once again, it sounds like you're justifying your A. I don't care how deep the feelings run. It's wrong as hell.

 

And to ME , my crush means a lot. To ME. Just like your A means a lot to you. And my crush is wrong as hell.

 

Also, I'm not comparing anything. If I am, I dont mean to. I don't know you or your MM and you don't know me or my full situation.

 

I almost feel as though some of you ladies try to run the weak, naive girls away (rightfully so, or this forum would be much different) but I'm not one of those girls. I like this forum. I like these people. And all the critisism disguised as advice (not referring to you Rose)that weeds out the passerbys isn't for me.

[eye of the storm]

The ball is in his court. If by some chance, he is looking for an A, I assume I'll see where it ends up (hopefully it won't end up anywhere) or he can choose to let it go, then that's even better.

 

 

You gotta watch your self talk. Talking like this makes it sound like you don't have a choice. You do. The ball is still in your court. You still have control.

 

 

Don't give up your power. You already know that if you sleep with him it will hurt you. You stated it yourself.

 

 

Talk to yourself like you would a good and valued friend. Don't do this.

 

 

It is your choice. 100% yours.

[minimariah]

I haven't CHASED him. HE initiated flirting, I didn't reciprocate.

 

you DID reciprocate -- you've been building a friendship with this man while being romantically interested in him. that IS reciprocation. i am telling you this because you need to be aware of everything so you can set up strong boundaries.

 

in the end, YOU made the 1st move in acknowledging the attraction. he was flirting but you took it to the next level.

 

you mentioned helping him open his own store, going to the movies with him... is this something you already did with him? if so, where was his W?

 

And no, I'm not an emotionless sociopath. I can't just drop my feelings for him.

 

your feelings for him are superficial. you don't love this man, this is a simple crush. the feelings cannot possibly be deep because for that to happen -- you have to go through thick & thin with someone, you have to know their bad side AND accept that bad side. you have to spend time with someone and see them from every possible angle... ONLY THEN can you talk about feelings.

 

you don't know this man. this is a simple crush that can be avoided and stopped -- but you don't want to avoid it or stop, as much as you (probably out of guilt & moral pressure) try to convince both yourself & us that you do.

 

And if you do, how on earth because you're a super woman.

 

by cutting down contact, removing yourself from the situation as much as you can, keeping communication ONLY on professional level you'll eventually move on.

 

you don't have to be a super woman to do that. MILLIONS do it DAILY -- especially those who are getting over someone who broke their heart. this is probably your inexperience talking which makes this entire situation even more dangerous for you.

 

it is not about what you WANT, it needs to be about what you NEED. and you don't need an A with a dude who has 3 kids, a W who knows you & it's all happening on your workplace. the emotional pain will be the least of your concerns if the A does happen & if it blows up.

 

That's why NC is so difficult, right? It's the right thing, but your heart is telling you it hurts.

 

it's not about the "right" thing -- it is about the right thing FOR YOU. as in, this A will damage you even if it does end well. you won't be the same person, it changes people. your heart is telling you it hurts but your mind should tell you that it is much better for you to feel this hurt NOW than it is in a devastation that comes with an A.

 

The funny thing is, if any of you watch Scandal, people have been pulling for that A!

 

the only reason they do it is because Mellie had been INCREDIBLY demonized. so folks don't feel sorry for her because A. she was portrayed as a huge bitch in the beginning & B. her relationship with Fitz is portrayed as an incredibly dysfunctional one.

 

& people are actually rooting for Olivia & Jake and pretty much everyone agrees that Fitz is a huge jacka**.

 

I don't want an affair. I really, really don't.

 

Maybe I would enter an A.

 

Yes, I want an A.

 

this is the flip - flopping i was talking about earlier.

Edited June 21, 2015 by minimariah

[whichwayisup]

And no, I'm not an emotionless sociopath. I can't just drop my feelings for him.

 

You can by making yourself STOP thinking of him/fantasizing about him. You be tough and make yourself accountable. You can stop flirting with him, stop being so friendly with him. You can stop feeding your own feelings for him and tell yourself that he isn't yours for taking, he's married to a really great woman and you deserve a (single) guy of your own, not someone's man that you have a crush on.

 

Keep busy, go on dates with other guys.

[sandylee1]

But, I kept my distance and haven't outwardly flirted with him at all at work, yet I still have poor boundaries?

 

 

I said he was attractive. Yet, my boundaries are poor even though I'm VERY professional at work. Okay.

 

That makes most of have poor boundaries. You included, more than likely. If you don't, then why are you replying? No disrespect. I just don't understand why people feel the need to comment on situations they have no experience with. We don't post to be criticized. We post to be guided.

 

You asked what he might be thinking and I replied accordingly.

 

Outwardly telling a married person you find them attractive shows poor boundaries. It's one thing to say 'you look smart today' or compliment an item of their clothing , but if a male coworker , knowing I was married said they found me attractive, I'd think they had poor boundaries.

 

What makes me have poor boundaries BTW?

 

I don't agree that most people have poor boundaries at all.

 

Most people are aware of how they interact with married people.

 

It seems you want people to say all sweet and nice things to you , without being honest .

 

It's not okay to insert yourself in another couple's marriage and just because this is the OW/OM board doesn't change that.

[sandylee1]

Then WHY are you here??

 

 

 

You're receiving it, but you don't really want to hear it.

 

 

 

Yes, you have chased him, and yes, you are reciprocating, and yes, you are obsessing.

 

If you're not looking for an affair with a married man, you would NOT be here, period. I interact with attractive married men all day, every day. It's a non-issue. For you, it's an issue, because you "want" him. How can you say you "want him" in one breath, and that you're not looking for an "affair" in another?

 

Do you want a ONS with a married guy? Is that it?

 

Rose ,

 

You're giving great advice here . You really are☺