UPDATE: Whats this all about?

[TaraMaiden2]

sweetkitten, the best way to really, truly determine how you feel, what you want and how to progress, is to talk to his wife about it and ask her what she thinks may be going on with you.

 

That should make everything abundantly clear to you.

 

Or maybe have the same discussion with both of them.

Dual input may clarify things beyond any doubt.

 

And don't for one moment assume I'm being sarcastic. I'm deadly serious.

 

Because if any of this smacks of subterfuge and secrecy, then you know exactly what it is you want.

[Friskyone4u]

The ball is NOT in his court. Do you realize how silly that sounds????

The last time I checked, the last decisikon that has to be made before any sexual act occurs is the WOMAN has to consent or I believe that would be called sexual assault. So there is not ball in his court. That sounds as if you are saying if he responds to you you will surely say yes and then make believe he made the decision. NO it is YOU who will make the final decision if this goes into "affair" land.

 

There have been a bunch of women here who HAVE had the painful experience of the fallout of an affair trying to give you the advice you are asking for, but it seems that you just want to rebut them and are looking rather for encouragement on how to proceed without feeling guilty.

 

The net result here is probably going to be you sleeping with this guy, his wife who works with you finding out, and you losing your job as well as him. And the fact that you interact with her and are making "nice" to her will make the betrayal worse in her mind.

 

Now you have been given great advice by the ladies here that HAVE walked in your shoes. And that advice would be to put this crap out of your mind and find a 22 year old SiNgLe man , send him a text the he is cute and have all the fun you want. You are acting like a lioness on the hunt. Women even your age have had men chasing them since puberty so lets not make l;ke you do not know how to shut this down no matter what he does. There is no ball in his court. There is only your decision on whether or not you will take your clothes off and have sex with him, and that is YOUR decision only so make it don't but don't look to play like you are just helpless if he decides to think with his brain below his waist.

[elaine567]

The ball is in his court. If by some chance, he is looking for an A, I assume I'll see where it ends up (hopefully it won't end up anywhere) or he can choose to let it go, then that's even better.

 

You are a hypocrite, you banished your friend for her affair, yet you are manipulating this scenario to lay a trap for this married man.

 

All men are flattered by attention from young women.

You have put your bait in the water and are staying clear and staying quiet now, waiting till his curiosity gets the better of him and he grabs it and then he will be putty in your hands.

 

Do you really want to see his kids crying for their daddy, when they get a divorce and his wife loses her "best friend"?

Do you really want to be the cold, heartless b*tch who just wants to get her own way, no matter who she hurts in the process?

 

You may try and flutter your eyelashes and act innocent but we know exactly what you are up to here.

Gives you a rush speaking to the "nice" wife does it?

A better rush if you are also f*cking her husband behind her back, I bet...

 

This is plain and simple nastiness on your part.

Sort yourself out.

[sandylee1]

 

None of you women (apart from a few brave souls) can say you can just drop your feelings for the MM you're with.

 

 

Years ago I was in a relationship with a guy. I didn't know he had a long term GF. As soon as I found out , I dropped him and never looked back.

 

Your not in the affair yet , so it should be a lot easier for you .

 

I agree with some others in that you are contradicting yourself at times , but maybe that's because your head is all over the place.

 

You state very strongly that his wife is lovely and you don't want to hurt her , which is a good thing. I think the fact that you can see a real person with a face helps, unlike many other OW who consider the wife a non entity, or a faceless evil witch because of what they are told and believe by the MM.

 

Deep down, you don't want to go there and I think seeing his wife is a big part of this. Picture her in your mind , when you say 'the ball is in his court '

 

I encourage you to keep your distance from him and be professional. Please understand that I never post here to hurt or demean anyone. Sometimes the recepient takes it that way , because their defenses are up. I state my opinions as I would to any friend who finds herself in this situation.

 

Good luck

[jen1447]

Wow, LS stays busy overnight.

 

Kitten, to answer your original-ish questions, my best guess on your most recent interaction is that he was confused bc you did the hot and cold on him - texted you liked him, then ignored him. Some people respond to that sort of thing by withdrawing to safety, others by trying to take it on.

 

I'm glad you seem determined not to pursue this now. You asked what's the best way to go forward from here, and to that I'd say try actively pursuing another guy. (A single one, haha. ) Seriously, just pick a guy you have access to who you more or less like and make him your project. That will divert at least some of your sexual energy and preoccupation to other places and off this married dude.

 

Good luck and stay on this path!

 

So, since they shut down my other thread, I figured I'd update a little. I hadn't seen him since I posted, so with telling him that he was attractive, and getting a seemingly pleasant reply in regards to it, I was afraid that he might have told his wife.

 

I know a few of you think it was dumb of me to tell him that I thought he was attractive, but in all honesty, the first 18 years of my life, I was shy and quiet. I never flirted, I never took chances. But, I've come to realize with guys, it's almost easier to just ask, "Hey, what's up with us?" Rather than sit and wait in anticipation for nothing.

 

I am AWARE that this does not apply to married men. So, my actions aren't in any way justified.

 

Anyway, back to today. Today was my first time seeing him since I started my thread. I ignored him. I tried not to look at him, I didn't go out of my way to be near him, and when he did ask me questions (work related) I answered nicely and added nothing more to it.

 

He didn't say much to me after that. I was afraid that maybe he mentioned my comment to his wife, but, she also worked today, and she was just as nice to me as always.

 

Lunch time rolled around, we ended up having lunch together, but once again I made no attempt to conversate with him. And he didn't bother to talk to me either.

 

I did notice though, that he's not as friendly with other employees as he had been with me. Also, he seemed a bit off today.

 

Anyway, I did my best today, but what do you think he was thinking?

 

To keep from getting this thread closed too, don't say, "It doesn't matter what he was thinking, it's none of your business" I'm not in this thread to be criticized or patronized for asking questions and advice.

 

If you want to insult me or call me stupid, there's no room for that here either, because frankly I don't care.

[RoseVille]

the only reason they do it is because Mellie had been INCREDIBLY demonized. so folks don't feel sorry for her because A. she was portrayed as a huge bitch in the beginning & B. her relationship with Fitz is portrayed as an incredibly dysfunctional one.

 

& people are actually rooting for Olivia & Jake and pretty much everyone agrees that Fitz is a huge jacka**.

 

First, even bringing up Scandal tells me Sweet is living in a fantasy world.

 

Second, when Fitz and Olivia finally could be together... how anticlimactic was that?!

[RoseVille]

Sweet Kitten, to put this is perspective for you...

 

This forum is basically one for addicts, for people engaged in behavior that makes them feel good when they're actually doing it and high, and bad when they're sobering up. People who are engaged in unhealthy behavior, that the longer they engage in it, destroys them more and more. And they can't stop.

 

And you're here asking about how to score a dealer, the guy who will give you the hit you think you want. The guy who you'll have to keep going back to when you want to feel that way again. The guy you'll feel physical, mental and emotional pain for when he's not around to give you a hit.

 

All while knowing full well that you're not the only one you'd be destroying if you actually make a deal with the dealer.

 

Trust me, there are other ways to find the sort of highs you're looking for, without the requisite lows.

[sandylee1]

Sweet Kitten, to put this is perspective for you...

 

This forum is basically one for addicts, for people engaged in behavior that makes them feel good when they're actually doing it and high, and bad when they're sobering up. People who are engaged in unhealthy behavior, that the longer they engage in it, destroys them more and more. And they can't stop.

 

And you're here asking about how to score a dealer, the guy who will give you the hit you think you want. The guy who you'll have to keep going back to when you want to feel that way again. The guy you'll feel physical, mental and emotional pain for when he's not around to give you a hit.

 

All while knowing full well that you're not the only one you'd be destroying if you actually make a deal with the dealer.

 

Trust me, there are other ways to find the sort of highs you're looking for, without the requisite lows.

 

You're spot on . I see a lot of growth in your views .

[RoseVille]

You're spot on . I see a lot of growth in your views .

 

It's called anger.

[Popsicle]

I'm glad you seem determined not to pursue this now. You asked what's the best way to go forward from here, and to that I'd say try actively pursuing another guy. (A single one, haha. ) Seriously, just pick a guy you have access to who you more or less like and make him your project. That will divert at least some of your sexual energy and preoccupation to other places and off this married dude.

 

Good luck and stay on this path!

 

I agree.

 

This is best for you and will work the best to redirect your focus.

 

And sorry you've gotten beat up here. It's apparently a ritual on this forum. (sad really)

[jwi71]

Sweet Kitten, to put this is perspective for you...

 

This forum is basically one for addicts, for people engaged in behavior that makes them feel good when they're actually doing it and high, and bad when they're sobering up. People who are engaged in unhealthy behavior, that the longer they engage in it, destroys them more and more. And they can't stop.

 

And you're here asking about how to score a dealer, the guy who will give you the hit you think you want. The guy who you'll have to keep going back to when you want to feel that way again. The guy you'll feel physical, mental and emotional pain for when he's not around to give you a hit.

 

All while knowing full well that you're not the only one you'd be destroying if you actually make a deal with the dealer.

 

Trust me, there are other ways to find the sort of highs you're looking for, without the requisite lows.

 

This is such a powerful post - but I'm sure sweets misses it - not because she is dumb/immature or whatever but because she doesn't know the poster, her story and "where she is at".

 

Sweet, This post, by an OW struggling to sort HERSELF out just as you are - her own wants and wishes and red flags and ups and downs and CONFUSION - is telling you to stop.

 

Let that sink in. An OW, struggling mightily with her A and herself, is telling you to stop. This is PRECISELY the advice you came here seeking - having asked all others to "go away" because we cant possibly "understand this". Well, you got it. Advice from an OW, having a workplace A, is telling you to stop.

 

I have now said "An OW is telling you to stop" three times.

 

That should be all you need to know. I also suspect, despite what you say, that you want an A- you've actually said that. You will, like most, talk yourself into it and try to whitewash yourself of YOUR role. Witness the whole "ball is in his court" bullsh_t.

 

And for Rose...I hope your fog clears, continues to clear perhaps, and you get on track with all "this". And by on track I mean end the A, heal, recover, learn, grow and find love. What you wrote was, to me, fantastic.

[SweetKitten]

First, even bringing up Scandal tells me Sweet is living in a fantasy world.

 

Second, when Fitz and Olivia finally could be together... how anticlimactic was that?!

 

Actually, I don't like Scandal that much. And there's no fantasy world. If you're attempting to say that my "fantasy world" involves me riding off into the sunset with a MM, you're incredibly mistaken.

 

Once again, it's a matter of what you WANT to believe about me when in reality you know nothing about me. It's quite funny how that works. I know nothing about you. I've read your threads about your MM and I still know nothing about you. Unless I talk to you one on one, I won't claim to know your intentions with some MM that you claim as your own.

 

I didn't ask for an evaluation on my own person, I asked a rather simple question that few have seemed to answer.

 

You assume I'm a stupid, naive girl looking for the thrill of being the OW. How thrilling must that be? Waiting constantly for him to come to you. Hiding your true feelings and making his W out to be a monster based on what this LYING, CHEATING man has to say about another woman who in all reality may be the nicest person you've ever met.

 

Telling me that I have the opportunity to walk away now because my crush is insignificant doesn't mean much to me when you could have walked away before your A got started.

 

Maybe I should go a little further back for you. A lovely guy, charismatic, funny, everything I could ever want in a guy found me interesting. Me, at 21, him 25. I was thrilled. Still struggling with my own self esteem because I STILL don't think I'm pretty. I'm awkward, I say the wrong things, I laugh at the wrong times, but I do know how to charm when need be. He picked me. And after months of falling head over heels and knowing because of his work schedule that I would go days without a word from him, I worried that maybe I wasnt enough. Until I found out about his wife. He made all the promises, telling me that she's not what he wants, that he's not happy with her and I BELIEVED him. And my morals caught up to me and I quit him cold turkey. NC, for months. I'm talking about blocking his number, the whole nine yards until one stupid night I broke my own promise to myself and messaged him to see how he was doing. He's one of my closest friends. I even told him about this current situation because despite everything, I do care for him.

 

I understand, Rose. This isnt the first time. And I'm hoping it won't become anything more than what it is now. A simple crush. I'm hoping I have the will power to say no to him like I said no to the other guy.

 

You build connections with those you work with. I have built a connection with this guy. I built this connection before I knew he was married. It's not me admiring from afar. I work with him daily. I make contact with him daily. He's grabbed my hands when there was no reason to, he looks at me through the crowd and I'm not just saying that because I want to believe it.

 

My sights were elsewhere before him.

 

 

Rose, please don't think that I'm attempting to justify anything I've said or done, but I do know the connection you can make with a MM and God knows I don't want it to happen again because its painful as hell. You are strong. Stronger than me.

 

I have issues with alcohol and I know if some stupid 18 year old wanted to drink themselves stupid and then ask me for advice on how to stop an addiction they haven't truly started, I would fire torpedoes and make them feel AWFUL for wanting to live like that.

 

I get what you're saying. Which is why I'm trying so f*cking hard to prevent it the best way I KNOW how.

 

 

Also, your other post was fantastic. It really was. Thank you, Rose <3

[RoseVille]

You've had an A with a MM before? Well then, that explains a lot.

 

That you consider a MM who misled you into believing he's single one of your best friends says even more.

Edited June 21, 2015 by RoseVille

[SweetKitten]

You've had an A with a MM before? Well then, that explains a lot.

 

That you consider a MM who misled you into believing he's single one of your best friends says even more.

 

I care about him. Is that a problem? He knows full well that I haven't forgiven him for not telling me. All of us care about these men or else we wouldn't be involved with them.

 

Do I intend to be involved with him romantically? No. He's asked since then and I still said no.

 

If you're attempting to make me feel bad for being friends with this MM then I have nothing else to say to you. That is the biggest hypocritical mess I've heard.

 

You forgive, but you never forget.

[Lurkeraspect]

I have friends/colleagues/acquaintances with MM, there's no problem with that. But try and be honest here, OP. You've posted on the OW/OM forum, lamenting about gazes across a room, him grabbing your hand, woundering what he's thinking, etc. You're likely days away from crossing the line with this man. You're one invitation away.

 

You've been given some really good advice here.

 

Just own it. You want more, you desire more. Getting defensive when people try and give you (been there, done that) heartfelt advice, who are trying to get you to just stop before you cross the line into craziness, isn't helpful to yourself, and truly speaks volumes about what you really want to happen. No matter, how much you scream otherwise.

[beach]

You stepped into his murky water. Now he's acknowledging that you've expressed interest.

 

Oh yes, more likely than not he's interested. After all, he's married and now has this opportunity to cheat - to use you. You've given him the green light after all - you've volunteered.

 

 

 

So now he's trying to figure out if you are too risky or IF he can use you without too much drama - without getting caught.

 

Is this what you want? Or do you want a man all to yourself - that makes YOU his TOP priority?

 

If you want to be a man's priority = don't volunteer to be the OW.

 

What do you want?

[TaraMaiden2]

I care about him. Is that a problem? He knows full well that I haven't forgiven him for not telling me. All of us care about these men or else we wouldn't be involved with them.

Of course, his wife is totally aware of your continued contact with him, and has no objection to it, I take it...?

 

Do I intend to be involved with him romantically? No. He's asked since then and I still said no.

So you can say 'no' to a guy who's already had sex with you - but you feel magnetically and irresistibly drawn in by someone with whom you have not yet crossed the boundary... Why is that, do you think...?

If you're are trying to make me feel bad for being friends with this MM then I have nothing else to say to you. That is the biggest hypocritical mess I've heard.

 

Pot, kettle, black...

[RoseVille]

You forgive, but you never forget.

 

You forgive a man who manipulated and lied to you about being married, and maintain him as being one of your best friends? And keep him in your life such that he's the one you reach out to for advice?

 

Your boundaries are non-existent and you have horrible judgment and standards for who you consider friends.

 

And don't call me a hypocrite. You have no idea what the status of my relationship with MM is. As of right now, the A is over and we are not friends. And that's my choice.

[minimariah]

SweetKitten, what is going on right now between you and this dude?

did you speak with him over the weekend, did you see him...?

 

did anything happened from the update?

[gettingstronger]

You ask "whats this all about"- from the outside looking in, based on your posts- it seems to me that this is more in your head than anything else- I do not see anything here that shows he has interest in you beyond a kind of nice, flirty guy at work-

 

Before you jump all over me, saying I don't understand because I am not in this situation- I can say, pretty much all of us have been where you are at some point for some period of time-

young, lonely, looking for attention and misreading situations-

It happens, to everyone-

[beach]

I care about him. Is that a problem? He knows full well that I haven't forgiven him for not telling me. All of us care about these men or else we wouldn't be involved with them.

 

Do I intend to be involved with him romantically? No. He's asked since then and I still said no.

 

If you're attempting to make me feel bad for being friends with this MM then I have nothing else to say to you. That is the biggest hypocritical mess I've heard.

 

You forgive, but you never forget.

 

If/since he asked to be involved and you said no - then you go further to complim t and tease him (by complimenting him) that looks like you are just teasing him.

 

And he's still married = none of which is cool.

[Tread Carefully]

OP, I'm talking to you gently, very gently, so as to not anger you.

 

It's very clear that you are as confused as some of the rest of are about yourself, what you really want and most importantly why you are doing/not doing/feeling and thinking about things. So let's dig a little deeper.

 

You can choose to answer these questions here (which will help people give you the right guidance, advice and their own experiences) or you can deliberate on them quietly with yourself.

 

Obvs your first mm hurt you very much. How much did that damage your trust in men?

 

Why do you feel you aren't worthy of having a single man all to yourself in a relationship? Is it because there is a lot of time, feelings and some pressure involved? Or could it be that you might develop deep feelings for someone again in a relationship that is not guaranteed to work out and therefore you will be very hurt again?

 

See, you've been in an affair before. You know what to expect and that it ends in pain. You already know the outcome and can be prepared for that. In a real relationship, the outcome is unknown and therefore can't be anticipated and prepared for. It's scary. Because that is scary, it's much easier to take the path you already know.

 

Like they say "The devil you know is better than the one you don't."

 

It takes balls to date available people and risk the unkown after having your heart squashed by a man that said he loved you but not enough, took advantage of you, and kicked you to the curb in favor of his wife. In your case the betrayl and deception was even worse because you didn't know he was married. I can see where that would make you gun shy about getting back into the dating game. I mean, he decieved you so why wouldn't others, right?

 

You are so young sweetie, with so much life experiences and fun ahead of you. Please, please don't repeat the mm one. You deserve to feel good about yourself and be happy and shine so bright! You deserve so much more than this guy can give you. When you start admitting these things to yourself you will find the strength you need to say No when/if he decides to really pursue an affair with you. You owe that beautiful girl in the mirror some really amazing things. Let's focus on her.

[Sassy Girl]

I had to stop giving this thread oxygen. OP has made her mind up and nothing we can say will change it - especially if she keeps drinking. She's self destructive and will continue down this path- she's been there before. She has no will to change who she is or what's she's doing. Nor does she take accountability for her own actions. I'm out.

 

I'll just put on the popcorn....

[SweetKitten]

SweetKitten, what is going on right now between you and this dude?

did you speak with him over the weekend, did you see him...?

 

did anything happened from the update?

 

I haven't spoken to him since that message. I haven't acknowledged him apart from being cordial at work since that message.

[SweetKitten]

Of course, his wife is totally aware of your continued contact with him, and has no objection to it, I take it...?

 

 

So you can say 'no' to a guy who's already had sex with you - but you feel magnetically and irresistibly drawn in by someone with whom you have not yet crossed the boundary... Why is that, do you think...?

 

 

Pot, kettle, black...

 

His wife knows we work together. Plus there has been no continued contact. You'd know that if you read my update.

 

Second, I never actually had sex with that man. Once again, if you'd read anything I've posted, you'd know I've had sex once.