UPDATE: Whats this all about?

[RoseVille]

I haven't spoken to him since that message. I haven't acknowledged him apart from being cordial at work since that message.

 

It's only been three days, and you've only mentioned working with him one day since that message. So of course...

[SweetKitten]

You forgive a man who manipulated and lied to you about being married, and maintain him as being one of your best friends? And keep him in your life such that he's the one you reach out to for advice?

 

Your boundaries are non-existent and you have horrible judgment and standards for who you consider friends.

 

And don't call me a hypocrite. You have no idea what the status of my relationship with MM is. As of right now, the A is over and we are not friends. And that's my choice.

 

And you have no idea of mine, my friend. That's all I'll say about that

 

Any OW that knowingly enters an A, MYSELF INCLUDED, has no boundaries. ALL of us are ACTIVELY with , flirting with, or have interest in MM. How is that in any way an okay thing to do?!

 

I'm literally waiting for any of you to legitimately tell me your A is 100% valid.

 

Is it??

 

In what world does a woman WANT to enter/continue an A?! Im trying to AVOID that right now, therefore from my first post, I haven't contacted him. I've cut contact, I've deleted him on Facebook, removed his number from my phone and gone above and beyond to IGNORE him in my place of work. So, what EXACTLY else can I do apart from quit my job to completely remove them from even being around me do you expect me to do?

 

First it was leave him alone. I did. Then it was admit I want an A. I did. Then it was attempt to work on myself, and I am.

 

Mind you, he asked me what was wrong and THAT is when I removed him from my Facebook because replying would be opening Pandora's Box.

 

What else is there Rose? Please do tell?

[SweetKitten]

It's only been three days, and you've only mentioned working with him one day since that message. So of course...

 

I work in retail, so yes. We don't work together everyday. Plus, we occasionally have days off.

 

There are three other employees that have my same position, and four that have his. We don't work seven days a week, and I'm sure you know the combination of workers on any given day is different.

[beach]

You've stated that we don't know you - and we don't really know the circumstances... So, would you kill badly explain in detail what it is/what you are about?

 

That would clarify so we may help you further.

[RoseVille]

I work in retail, so yes. We don't work together everyday. Plus, we occasionally have days off.

 

There are three other employees that have my same position, and four that have his. We don't work seven days a week, and I'm sure you know the combination of workers on any given day is different.

 

Right. That was my point.

 

You're making it out as though you've been avoiding him and NC with this guy, when in reality, you just haven't even seen him yet and had the opportunity.

[RoseVille]

What else is there Rose? Please do tell?

 

I'm gonna back out of this thread and focus my energies on folks who are receptive.

 

Best of luck to you.

[whichwayisup]

I know you feel ganged up on here, and being in the midst of it it's not easy to see what others are seeing. Of course it's easier to give advice than to take it, that's a given. All I can say is, the people here who are reaching out to you respectfully and giving your their 2 cents from their own experiences do care and are trying to help. If they didn't, they wouldn't have bothered replying.

 

Some of it may hurt to read, some of it may piss you off, but hopefully as time goes on and you detach more from your crushMM, the advice will click and make more of an impact, you'll get exactly what some are saying.

 

Seems you've done all that you can to cut him out (deleting him from fb, blocking etc) and distance yourself from him. My only suggestion (think I said this before) don't allow yourself to get caught up in any fantasies and thoughts about him, especially at bedtime. Watch TV until you're sleepy enough so your mind doesn't 'go' there.

[Survivor12]

And you have no idea of mine, my friend. That's all I'll say about that

 

Any OW that knowingly enters an A, MYSELF INCLUDED, has no boundaries. ALL of us are ACTIVELY with , flirting with, or have interest in MM. How is that in any way an okay thing to do?!

 

I'm literally waiting for any of you to legitimately tell me your A is 100% valid.

 

Is it??

 

In what world does a woman WANT to enter/continue an A?!

 

 

So, let me get this straight--You reject those of us who have refused to succumb to temptation because we are not OW while demanding advice only from those who you deem to have no boundaries. Why is that? This is a question for you to answer for yourself, of course, but your motivation seems rather obvious to me.

 

To answer your final question--IN YOUR WORLD! You said so yourself more than once in the this thread--you WANT to have an affair!

 

Look, it doesn't make one iota of difference to me what you choose to do. I can close this thread and not look back. You, on the other hand, will have to live with the consequences of your choices--& until you stop lying to yourself & saying whatever comes to your mind to excuse & justify your behavior to others, you will continue to make poor choices.

 

I feel sorry for you. I really do. You don't seem to understand how transparent and incongruent your claims are. You don't get that true change doesn't happen in a day or two. Changing yourself takes time & starts from a place of total honesty & self-discovery. Figure out why you don't have healthy boundaries & are willing to lower yourself to behaviors that you look upon with disdain in others. What are you trying to prove--and why?

 

We don't have the answers; you do. You just need to take an honest look at yourself and figure it out. I hope you do.

[RoseVille]

 

Seems you've done all that you can to cut him out (deleting him from fb, blocking etc) and distance yourself from him.

 

That hasn't happened with this MM. It happened with the first MM, and she broke contact to reach out to him (because he's "one of her best friends") for advice about the second MM.

 

And *now* I'm out.

[SweetKitten]

That hasn't happened with this MM. It happened with the first MM, and she broke contact to reach out to him (because he's "one of her best friends") for advice about the second MM.

 

And *now* I'm out.

 

It has happened with this one. Also, I had NUMEROUS times to text him or message him in those three days and I didn't.

 

Plus. I JUST learned about NC. I JUST got this advice. You act as though you've been telling me this for months. I JUST got advice to do this and I did it.

 

I'm sorry it's only been three days and that's not a sufficient amount of time for you.

[RoseVille]

It has happened with this one.

 

Really? You blocked him on FB? Where did you say you did that?

 

You said you did that about your first MM, who you very recently reached out to, so you must have affirmatively un-blocked him.

[SweetKitten]

So, let me get this straight--You reject those of us who have refused to succumb to temptation because we are not OW while demanding advice only from those who you deem to have no boundaries. Why is that? This is a question for you to answer for yourself, of course, but your motivation seems rather obvious to me.

 

To answer your final question--IN YOUR WORLD! You said so yourself more than once in the this thread--you WANT to have an affair!

 

Look, it doesn't make one iota of difference to me what you choose to do. I can close this thread and not look back. You, on the other hand, will have to live with the consequences of your choices--& until you stop lying to yourself & saying whatever comes to your mind to excuse & justify your behavior to others, you will continue to make poor choices.

 

I feel sorry for you. I really do. You don't seem to understand how transparent and incongruent your claims are. You don't get that true change doesn't happen in a day or two. Changing yourself takes time & starts from a place of total honesty & self-discovery. Figure out why you don't have healthy boundaries & are willing to lower yourself to behaviors that you look upon with disdain in others. What are you trying to prove--and why?

 

We don't have the answers; you do. You just need to take an honest look at yourself and figure it out. I hope you do.

 

Exactly how many times does one have to say they won't do something before it registers?

 

This is what you're hearing, "I just WANT to be in an affair. I have the opportunity so I'm going to take it no matter who it hurts in the process. I WANT an A and if it's not with this young MM, then it'll be with another one someday!"

 

What I'm ACTUALLY saying, "I want to have the opportunity to be with HIM. Unfortunately that opportunity would lead to an A which is an awful thing. I'll admit I want HIM and if HE wanted me, I would have to think VERY hard about it. I'm talking pray about it because deep down I don't want to destroy a family based on my insignificant emotions at this period in my life."

 

THAT is the war that's going on in my head. No one wakes up and say, "Oh boy, I can't wait to bait and take this MM." At least I hope they don't.

 

There's what's RIGHT and what I NEED to do and then there's what I WANT and what I WANT to do and it's conflicting and confusing.

 

I'm taking all the advice that I feel would help me. Just like with some addicts (I know for a fact), it's easy to quit cold turkey and others it's easier to slowly wean themselves off of it.

 

Some of the advice offered here is within my grasp and some isn't. Some I'm trying and if it fails I'll try the rest.

 

No, I'm not deeply entwined in a dark, twisted A where my emotions have been rooted so deep it would be hard to let go. But this MM isn't just a random stranger.

 

I've grown to know him and it sucks to cut off a nice guy like this, but it's what I'm doing. Trying to do, rather.

 

Lastly, the first MM was tragic. I didn't know about NC or taking care of myself as an OW. All I knew was I can't do this with him. Like any breakup, it hurt, but I had a very good reason to end it. I ended it for my own moral sanity and not on very good terms with the guy.

 

But we made amends. I have my own very good reasons to make amends with him. Just like my friend that had an affair. We made amends because she means a lot to me.

 

You don't have to understand my reasons for forgiving, but respect that at least.

Edited June 21, 2015 by SweetKitten

[SweetKitten]

Also, I'm not saying the first MM was tragic to be dramatic. I meant how the entire situation was handled was tragic. Pathetic, honestly.

[SweetKitten]

Really? You blocked him on FB? Where did you say you did that?

 

You said you did that about your first MM, who you very recently reached out to, so you must have affirmatively un-blocked him.

 

No, no no. I f that's what it sounded like, then no that's not who I was referring to. I never even added the first MM on Facebook to begin with.

 

Sorry if it was worded to where it sounded like that.

 

To clarify, first MM, I didn't have him on Facebook at all. This guy I added because I've added the majority of my coworkers, but just deleted him after he asked me what was wrong.

 

In regards to that, I don't know whether to tell him or just leave it be. I don't really want to reply and open another can of worms. That's why I deleted him.

[autumnnight]

The more I read, the more it sounds like you are journaling the back and forth mind jumping all of us go through when we are tempted to do something we know we shouldn't. Most of us have this dialog internally; you are just having yours "out loud." I can understand that.

 

You know, in some ways I can respect that at least you are struggling. There are people who wouldn't have even worried about it. They'd have just decided "yup, I want him," and made the necessary moves and arrangements, pretending to be oblivious to right and wrong. I would bet you met lots of those on that first forum. There are even a few people like that on LS. At least you ARE at war with yourself.

 

And if we take all right and wrong dilemmas and not just affairs, I know a lot of people who just go ahead and do whatever will make them feel good or vindicated in the moment without regard to the impact, blameshifting all the while. My own life has been terribly affected by people doing just that, and I guarantee none of them had any internal war about whether it might hurt me - hurting me was part of the icing on top.

 

This is all I will say, as much as it seems that the internal war is involuntary, it really isn't. You can begin willfully replacing thoughts of wanting this man with more productive thoughts. It isn't easy, and at first it feels weird and dumb and useless. But you can retrain your brain, so to speak. That is what i would advise. I remember this story about an old man who had two dogs, and every day these dogs would fight. One day a neighbor came by. They were watching the dogs, and the neighbor asks, "which dog wins?" The man answered, "the one I feed the most."

 

Don't feed the desires you know are wrong. Starve them out with better thoughts.

[stillafool]

Two threads about this guy and he hasn't even shown any real interest at all in becoming your lover. I think you are getting yourself all worked up for nothing at all. Mostly all of the OW here have a actual relationship going on with these men where they were actually pursued by them for an affair; but you don't have anything but a crush that is most likely one sided. I would think since you are only 23 and were already involved once with a MM you would have learned your lesson and stay away from MM. Also how do you smile in his wife's face knowing that you are trying to get her husband?

[Lurkeraspect]

No, no no. I f that's what it sounded like, then no that's not who I was referring to. I never even added the first MM on Facebook to begin with.

 

Sorry if it was worded to where it sounded like that.

 

To clarify, first MM, I didn't have him on Facebook at all. This guy I added because I've added the majority of my coworkers, but just deleted him after he asked me what was wrong.

 

In regards to that, I don't know whether to tell him or just leave it be. I don't really want to reply and open another can of worms. That's why I deleted him.

 

 

I find it really sad (and telling) that you're 22-23 and on your second (almost) MM. Are the pickings so slim that this is your dating pool?

 

And your deleting him on Facebook is gamesmanship and means nothing. You know you'll get a question from him on your next shift at the Gap. Look, I don't know you, have no vested interest in your life. You are free to screw up your life in any variety of ways. But...you came here asking for help. The more you share, the worse it all seems for you. SMH.

[SweetKitten]

I just realized some people might be mixing two of the MM I've mentioned.

 

I'll try to sort it out.

 

When I was 21, I met the other guy. Didn't know he was married. I built a short lived relationship with him and ended it as SOON as I found out. Funny enough I found out myself after he posted in a forum about troubles with his W.

I was livid. Angry at him, upset with myself for being stupid and I ended it. I didn't contact him even though he attempted to contact me. I blocked his number and refused to reply to any messages he sent.

It wasnt until I was nearly 22 that I reached out to him to see how he AND his wife were. He happily told me they were expecting their first child. The feelings had numbed and I was truly happy for him and he seemed to be in a much better place as far as his M was concerned.

 

Onto the MM all of this was originally about. Just a coworker that I became friends with and noticed he was flirting and I flirted back. I found out about his W when she began working with us. I backed off, but I admit I was dumb and let go of my morals and began to flirt again. Bad choice. I know.

I found this forum and posted here. Within these few days I've been given advice and I'm still attempting to follow it. By deleting him from Facebook and cutting contact even though it's only been three days.

 

I don't want to make the same stupid mistakes so I'm trying to correct this all. NC is my best bet for this situation, I think.

[SweetKitten]

Two threads about this guy and he hasn't even shown any real interest at all in becoming your lover. I think you are getting yourself all worked up for nothing at all. Mostly all of the OW here have a actual relationship going on with these men where they were actually pursued by them for an affair; but you don't have anything but a crush that is most likely one sided. I would think since you are only 23 and were already involved once with a MM you would have learned your lesson and stay away from MM. Also how do you smile in his wife's face knowing that you are trying to get her husband?

 

I'm not trying. Not anymore. Have I not made that clear?

[beach]

I'm not trying. Not anymore. Have I not made that clear?

 

Does this mean that you aren't giving him compliments anymore and no more flirting?

[SweetKitten]

I find it really sad (and telling) that you're 22-23 and on your second (almost) MM. Are the pickings so slim that this is your dating pool?

 

And your deleting him on Facebook is gamesmanship and means nothing. You know you'll get a question from him on your next shift at the Gap. Look, I don't know you, have no vested interest in your life. You are free to screw up your life in any variety of ways. But...you came here asking for help. The more you share, the worse it all seems for you. SMH.

 

Well, that's rude.

 

If he asks any questions, I'll respectfully decline answering.

 

And no, pickings are slim.

 

First MM, I didn't know was married and ended it immediately.

 

This one, once again didn't know he was married and I am now attempting to end my contact with him.

 

It's funny how you think constantly putting me down even though I've taken your advice will make me cave and run into a corner crying.

 

And also, interesting that even saying I'm going NC isn't enough.

 

Interesting.

 

What is your advice? Because maybe it's not NC. Maybe I missed it somewhere.

 

Also, don't make your attacks personal. That shows poor taste. Gap? That's hilarious.

[SweetKitten]

Does this mean that you aren't giving him compliments anymore and no more flirting?

 

That's precisely what I mean. I've said about 20 times that I'm going NC.

 

It started with work. Barely talking to him and not eating lunch with him although he took his lunch with me. And lastly, Facebook after he reached out to ask me what was wrong.

 

I honestly don't know what else there is to do...

[Lurkeraspect]

Well, that's rude.

 

If he asks any questions, I'll respectfully decline answering.

 

And no, pickings are slim.

 

First MM, I didn't know was married and ended it immediately.

 

This one, once again didn't know he was married and I am now attempting to end my contact with him.

 

It's funny how you think constantly putting me down even though I've taken your advice will make me cave and run into a corner crying.

 

And also, interesting that even saying I'm going NC isn't enough.

 

Interesting.

 

What is your advice? Because maybe it's not NC. Maybe I missed it somewhere.

 

Also, don't make your attacks personal. That shows poor taste. Gap? That's hilarious.

 

Sorry, I tried to edit my "Gap" reference, even though there is nothing wrong with working there, and was a comment based on working in retail... And my comment wasn't meant to be rude. Truth is, I've responded exactly twice on your threads, not, multiple times, and you are certainly free to heed or blow it all off.

 

And yes, NC is the best way to go. My point was, blocking this dude on FB will raise questions from him. Especially, if this is all in your head, and he is just a flirty kind of guy. It's a possibility.

 

Again, my post was not a personal attack. And I'm out. Good luck, girl.

[Susmay]

Hmm... so the question is "what's this all about?"?

 

 

It seems to consist of the OP feeding us all a few "facts" for us to try to interpret and then gleefully telling everyone off for how wrong they are, when they try to interpret those same "facts".

[SweetKitten]

Sorry, I tried to edit my "Gap" reference, even though there is nothing wrong with working there, and was a comment based on working in retail... And my comment wasn't meant to be rude. Truth is, I've responded exactly twice on your threads, not, multiple times, and you are certainly free to heed or blow it all off.

 

And yes, NC is the best way to go. My point was, blocking this dude on FB will raise questions from him. Especially, if this is all in your head, and he is just a flirty kind of guy. It's a possibility.

 

Again, my post was not a personal attack. And I'm out. Good luck, girl.

 

Thank you for clarifying. And I'm aware it might raise questions, but I need to. I think I really need to regardless of the questions he may ask.

I can attempt to keep those questions from being asked.

 

Lol, I'm starting to think I need to ask all guys if their married or not. That was a joke, btw