How does one deal with an overbearing mother-in-law?

[UltimateZen]

This is a rather sore topic for me to even post…but I will do my best to explain my problem.

 

First, let me start by saying that my fiancé is a wonderful beautiful and unique woman whom I love with all my heart. She also feels the same towards me. We are a perfect match for one another as we both find strength in being together….a wonderful precursor towards starting a family together. We have known one another through our families since we were children and it has been 3 years that we have been in a relationship. In July 2004 I asked for her hand in marriage. We have gone through a lot within the past year…we bought a house, entered into the Protestant Church, and have gone through the ups and downs of planning for our wedding this October. I do not need to go into detail the difficult decisions that we faced when tackling these accomplishments, but what I do need to say is that it has brought us much closer than we ever thought possible.

 

With this in mind, our personalities are very different, but compliment each other very well. I have a dominant Type A personality with a hint of Type B. I love to be in control and make decisions; knowing that I have the full support and trust of my fiancé. I can be stubborn at times, but my objectivity balances that out most of the time; as I know when to give in and when not to. My fiancé is very loving and her strength lies in her nurturing, caring, and passive personality that allows her to make thoughtful, unique decisions that better our lifestyle (something that I have not developed myself). But, at this same token she has not developed the stringent decisive personality that worldly experience can bring.

 

We had agreed a long time ago that some decisions in our future marriage and family must be made by one person. Depending on what the circumstances are, we look towards each other to step up to make sensitive decisions for each other. I make some of the decisions that require the advantages of my personality and she makes those that call upon hers. The rest of our decisions in our lives are made together.

 

Moving forward, my fiancé does not have the experience that I have living out from under the protective hands of the parents. I have been on my own for the past 11 years, supporting myself (I am 33 years of age now). My fiancé has never left the house (She is 29 years of age). With the purchase of our new house, we have recently moved in together.

 

Getting towards my topic: As for her mother, I have known from the beginning that she has a very strong Type A personality who has a lot of influence over my fiancé and the rest of her family. Because of this, her mother feels that she must be involved with every aspect of her daughter’s life. This means knowing EVERYTHING that goes on with us; and because she knows how to work her daughter, my fiancé has an extremely difficult time resisting the constant pressure her mother puts on her to know every intricate detail about her daughter’s life.

 

I respect the mother/daughter relationship; however I am trying to build a family unit and it is extremely difficult to do when her mother continues to have such a negative and overbearing influence on her. My fiancé and I have spoken many times on this subject and each time I try to guide her to stand up to her mother and say no when she does not agree. I’ve explained that we cannot build a family for ourselves when her mother has such a major influence on her. We cannot take the chance that the decisions we make in our future are influenced by what her mother thinks. My fiancé has put forth the effort to do this, but unfortunately she cannot seem to overcome this pressure.

 

Now, as you can guess, her mother and I do clash at times; given the nature of our personalities. But this does by no means weaken our respect or our love for one another. We have a great relationship; in fact both of our parents have known each other since we were children and get along great. It is funny, but at times it is difficult to even separate them because they have such a good time with each other! So by no means is this a situation where there are ill feelings between my soon to be mother in law and myself. But, this does not mean that there is an underlining struggle for power between her mother and myself. And that is what it is comes down to: a power struggle to break my fiancé away from the influence of her mother and to allow her the freedom to build her life with me. As to my part I have had to step up many, many times to fight for us; but I cannot do this forever. I just do not have the strength or willpower to spend a lifetime battling her mother’s control.

 

My fiancé needs to step up and start fighting for her freedom. In fact, they both have to make adjustments and come to the realization that my fiancé is no longer living in her mother’s house and that soon we will be married and that we need the time to build our own family. I cannot foresee a marriage where every week we are doing something with her mother or that she is receiving phone calls day and night everyday for latest “Update” of her daughter’s life.

 

So this is the problem I am in. What can I do to break my fiancé away from her mother’s control and more importantly keep her from involving herself in our lives??

 

I am a man of tremendous patience, but I foresee a problem that if not resolved will ultimately break my relationship. I would not otherwise post my questions like this, but even with all the talking and open communication I have with my fiancé, we just cannot seem to solve this problem. If I am forced to continue to battle my mother-in-law there will be a moment in our lives where my soon-to-be-wife might be forced into a situation where she needs to choose to whom she will listen for advise: her mother or me. Can a balance exist between the two? yes. Is it probable given her personality? no. Unfortunately my fiance is dealing with two very strong Type A personalities both of whom love her very much. I have no doubts of my love for my fiance or her with me; or even with her mother. But there will be a clash because I will not stand for anyone...not even a mother in law to talk down or manipulate my wife. I love her too much to see that happen.

 

Other questions that are weighing on me:

 

1) If my fiancé cannot break away from her mother’s influence, how successful will my marriage be? I think this break from her mother should happen before we are married, otherwise I will not be happy.

 

2) What do I do about her mother calling every day, twice a day? I do not by any means want to lessen the mother/daughter bond, but there has to be some sort of limit to the calls. My fiancé and I have talk about this a lot and she agrees that she will try to lessen the calls because even she gets tired of having to take time away from work/home/me having to talk to her. But over a span of several months there is no progress being made. Perhaps I should say something to my mother-in-law. We have already placed rules down to our families that they do not call before 10:00am in the mornings and they must call us if they want to come over to our house…in other words no surprise visits. Family is important to me and I do want our parents a part of my fiancés’ and mine; but at this stage of the game we need alone time to even develop our family.

 

3) Perhaps I am just looking way to into this and this is normal for married couples. Then I should back off and not do anything.

 

4) And what about the duck? I want a pet duck, but my fiancé does not approve. What can I do to convince her that a duck would be an important part of our family? ---actually just kidding about this one; but I needed something to lighten up this post. Ducks are cool though.

 

Any thoughts or experiences you can share would be great.

[Mz. Pixie]

Sounds like you've got a great basis for a marriage there- you're very lucky.

 

1. This is normal to a certain extent, especially if the daughter and mother are close.

 

2. Your fiance' by nature is not a Type A so it's believable that her mother would somewhat dominate her in situations. We Type A's have a tendency to do that. She has followed her lead just like she follows your lead to a certain extent.

 

I would sit my fiance' down and talk to her about this. Explain to her you'd like to set some type of boundaries as far as what's acceptable and what's not acceptable for you for her to discuss with her mother. Come up with a list of things that might come up and then the two of you discuss what's acceptable to both- there may have to be compromise.

 

Then when the topics come up, she will know how to handle them.

 

Invest in a answering machine and caller ID. Use them to screen calls when you're spending time together. That way she can call her mother back at a better time for the two of you.

 

Once a person is married, I fully believe that person should let go of their parents and become one with their spouse. That's impossible to do if one is in the middle. Perhaps there is a book that the daughter could gift her mother with about letting go. I'm sure there probably is- you're not the first to have this problem.

 

I'd let my fiance' also know that you're trying to be proactive in stopping what you feel could be a issue further down the line that may cause problems.

 

Enjoy your wedding- you only do this once and it will go by so quick!

[quankanne]

how does one deal with in-laws (overbearing or otherwise)? make sure to make your home far, far away from both families! The physical distance will give your marriage the needed breathing space. Don't know what it'll mean as far as phone contact, but it's much easier to cut a phone conversation short than a face to face one ...

 

even if moving isn't an option, you and your bride-to-be need to sit down with both parents to give them a talk. Let them know that you love'em dearly, but because you're trying to forge a life together, you need to be able to have the privacy needed to do so. That you have decided to not make known every little detail of your marriage because some things are meant to be private, and you hope all parents respect that, despite how it's been done before.

 

assure your future MiL that you are not trying to deny her your wife, but ensure that your marriage is needs to be stable and independent -- and most especially, respected -- from the get-go. If that kindly putting it to MiL doesn't do it, then I'm afraid you're going to have to be very blunt with her and tell her to butt out. But you can only do this if your wife willingly agrees that your commitment to the marriage comes first, not the parent-child relationship. She may have to go cold turkey on her mom to accomplish that, though ...

[UltimateZen]

Thank you for your thoughts.

[wiseOLDman]

Zen, I don't know if you're checking responses still, but I'll give you my take on it and make this observation. Everything that you mention speaks to your fiance having to change. That's just not right. Marriage is about compromise. You need to look deep into yourself and figure out what you can handle. Now, I'll speak from exprerience.

 

I married a wonderful woman whose father left the family at a young age. That, in and of itself, would make a mother very protective and "controlling." My MIL is not only the the godfather of her immediate family, but of her extended family (brothers and sisters) as well. I, like you, was an independant person having lived away from my family for aabout 10 years prior to our marriage. And, like you, her mom and I butted heads. Calls every day, wanting to know all that goes on, etc. It drove me nuts and MIL and I were constantly at each other's throats.

 

Strange thing happened tho. I suddenly realized that if I could step out of my thick headedness and realize that she was doing what she did with all good intentions. She meant well and I could choose to accept it or ignore it. Not only that, but just by letting her give her input and listening to it we began to communicate better. And wonder of wonders, there was a lot less stress on my marriage. I realized that I was FORCING my wife to decide between me and her mother. And you won't win that one guy.

 

I had a strong dislike for my MIL for about 5 years of my marriage, but I've now been married 20-years and and my MIL is, indeed, like a second mother to me.

 

Compromise. If you can't handle that, do all three of you a favor and walk away.

[UltimateZen]

Thank you all for your thoughts. It is difficult, but I am a very understanding man. A MIL input and attachment towards their daughter is expected....but it can be dangerous. Especially if the MIL can influence the daughter on husband/wife decisions. Wouldn't you agree that the MIL if left without some sort of check can ultimately have the power to end the marriage??? Perhaps I am just looking too deep into this.

[CurlyIam]

If your SO didn't change by 29, I doubt she'll change after 29, for you or for anyone else. Ever thought of the possibility that if she stands up to her, she'll stand up to you too? This isn't the person you've fallen inlove with. Think about what you want, it may actually happen.

 

 

I believe you're also too controlling over your future wife. So she talks to her mom 2 a day. Good for her. As long as she is able to make her own decisions, let her be. When I first moved out of my parents place, I did the same. Within a year we were speaking once a week. Time!!!

 

 

Let her have some freedom, don't sufocate her with your personality. She loves you very much, but she loves her mother too. Love doesn't come in fixed quantities.

 

Like wiseOLDman said, before asking those around you to change, change yourself first. Marriage does require adjustments from everyone .

[CurlyIam]

Originally posted by UltimateZen

Thank you all for your thoughts. It is difficult, but I am a very understanding man. A MIL input and attachment towards their daughter is expected....but it can be dangerous. Especially if the MIL can influence the daughter on husband/wife decisions. Wouldn't you agree that the MIL if left without some sort of check can ultimately have the power to end the marriage??? Perhaps I am just looking too deep into this.

 

There it is! Your gf isn't a toy to be fighting with her mom over. Face the problem when they arrive. If the mom tries to influence your gf in any way, work there.

 

If you expect us to tell you that your MiL should never call, should never give her opinion, you're wrong. Especially given her personality.

 

There is nothing to feel threaterned about. You are the number one person in your future wife's life. It's you, there's no contest. Think of the MiL inputs as help. She doesn't want her daughter to be miserable. she's trying to help you two. Let her feel useful at times. the more you cut her off, the more she'll feel helpless and try to "help" more. My mom is just like that. She was feeling guilty for not washing my clothes and ironing my lingery, for crying out loud. I've moved out as soon as I could !

 

Zen, make her a part of your family. Let her speak her mind, even if it's not her business! Work on your tolerance and you'll be living happily ever after. And maybe gain a second mom in the process.

[Debster]

I have an overbearing mother. SHe has had tons of scraps with my sister's husbands. However, the difference is my sisters failed to set limits with my parents. My husband gets along pretty well with my parents, however, it is I that reaffirm the boundaries. With it being me that does it, it doesn't affect my husband's relationship with my parents.

 

It is something she needs to decide to do herself. Making her or pushing the issue may only push her away.

Some people want their parents really close, some don't. It appears as though she does and you need to decide whether you can deal with it, or not.

 

Good luck.