Nicole Posted March 18, 2001 Share Posted March 18, 2001 I have a serious dilemna. I am the girl who wrote several months back and got a lot of controversy from other readers because I have been dating "Travis" for almost 3 years now, and we still have not had sex. Well, here is my problem. THis week I went to the beach, where there were drunk, crazy horny people, including me, and I lost my virginity to some guy who though I was older than I actually am. I feel horrible for doing this, but at the time, I felt o.k. about doing it, I was not pressured or anything, and I felt that I was doing what I wanted to do, and I was, At that particular point in time. But now I am guilt stricken, and I feel ike he should know. I cannot possibly hide this from him, but I do not want to lose him If I do decide to tell him. We are not actulaly together right now, becuase we never see eachother because we go to different schools, so should I feel so guilty? Do you think I should tell him or just keep it to myself? Link to post Share on other sites
Paulie Posted March 18, 2001 Share Posted March 18, 2001 In short, KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. Your telling him serves no useful purpose whatsoever, except to transfer your feelings of guilt onto him in the form of pain. If you messed up, and really care for him, please don't tell him. Paulie Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted March 18, 2001 Share Posted March 18, 2001 Paulie is 1,000,000 percent correct here. Keep your mouth shut...don't say a word. Be sure to get yourself checked for sexually transmitted diseases, even if you used a condom. A guy who's been saving himself for three years for a lady only to have her get poked by some stranger at the beach is enough to drive a guy to the moon. You can bet you would lose him in a heartbeat and rightly so. Alcohol is NO excuse. There has to be some special reason why you want to tell him. Do you want him to break up with you? Do you want to make him jealous? Do you want to hurt him? The fact that you so much want to tell him something that would hurt him so badly says a lot about your relationship with him. You need to give this some thought. Maybe it's time to pull the plug on the relationship. But, under NO circumstances, reveal your indiscretion to him. Why is it that people have such a hard time keeping their mouths shut? Link to post Share on other sites
Laurynn Posted March 18, 2001 Share Posted March 18, 2001 Tony and Paulie, I really don't understand your line of thinking here. Why encourage someone to withhold the truth? (which is essentially, a lie by omission). Shouldn't a healthy, open, mutually respectful relationship be based on TRUTH and HONESTY? I don't understand that logic that it's somehow more noble to withhold the truth and spare hurting someone you love, than to tell the truth and give them all the facts so that they can make a decision based on having all the information. I think it's only kidding oneself to NOT divulge to your partner that you cheated, to think that by NOT telling them, you're sparing them a lot of pain and heartache. What a crock! The only person we're looking out for is OURSELF. It's very selfish. I'm amazed when men encourage people who've cheated to just 'keep it to themselves'...it's no fricken wonder that good women can't totally trust men. L Link to post Share on other sites
unnamed Posted March 18, 2001 Share Posted March 18, 2001 DO NOT LISTEN TO TONY OR PAULIE. Tell your partner. I do not care how much heartbreak it causes, but it will get the problem out of the system and available to be worked on by both partners. Listen, you have two choices. You can withold this information, and have your boyfriend dragged on in this relationship. But someday, sooner or later, what happened on the beach will rear its ugly head. And, you will feel 10 times worse than you would if you told him right away. Why? Because not only would he be upset about you cheating on him and losing your virginity to a man you don't even know (which, I might add, is truly a sad thing...), but also you witholding this from him for such a long time. Option two is telling him as soon as possible. This is your best bet, no matter what Tony or Paulie say. I can only gather from what they posted earlier that neither have had a successful relationship. Honesty and trust is the foundation of a relationship. Unfortunately, Nicole, you broke that. And in addition to that, you practiced infidelity on him and broke yet another rule, committment and faithfulness. But what's done is done, and you cannot change that. I suggest you tell him. You will hurt him either way. There are consequences to EVERY action, and there is no getting around that. If you try, you will only be beat harder. Laurynn, I agree with you here. I think it is truly pathetic that Tony and Paulie are trying to keep her from telling her boyfriend what she's done. That is definetely a faulted method and would never bring about a successful and satisfactory relationship. And I'm a male, too. :-) Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted March 18, 2001 Share Posted March 18, 2001 YOU ASK: "Shouldn't a healthy, open, mutually respectful relationship be based on TRUTH and HONESTY?" Yes, there are a lot of shoulds in the world. But I'm not a black and white thinker and this case is an exception. Of course, if she wants the whole deal to end...yes, she should open her mouth. But a lot of great relationships have been destroyed because somebody just decided they had to be so very honest. Like all these people who talk about their sexual pasts when they don't need to. I think there are sins that are best kept between the individual and the man upstairs. But I can see your point as well. She can get it off her chest, tell the guy, end the three-year relationship, go into an even more emotionally distraught state than she's in now, and she'll get over it one day. Now, she's got both sides of the coin. She can chose what she feels is best for her. Link to post Share on other sites
lovebl24230_2000 Posted March 18, 2001 Share Posted March 18, 2001 YOU ASK: "Shouldn't a healthy, open, mutually respectful relationship be based on TRUTH and HONESTY?" Yes, there are a lot of shoulds in the world. But I'm not a black and white thinker and this case is an exception. Of course, if she wants the whole deal to end...yes, she should open her mouth. But a lot of great relationships have been destroyed because somebody just decided they had to be so very honest. Like all these people who talk about their sexual pasts when they don't need to. I think there are sins that are best kept between the individual and the man upstairs. But I can see your point as well. She can get it off her chest, tell the guy, end the three-year relationship, go into an even more emotionally distraught state than she's in now, and she'll get over it one day. Now, she's got both sides of the coin. She can chose what she feels is best for her. Link to post Share on other sites
Dragonflys Posted March 18, 2001 Share Posted March 18, 2001 I think you should tell the truth, but only if it is asked of you. You should not lie. If you feel that what you have done may threaten the relationship, then you must tell. Find out now. People make mistakes, but real people will stand up and admit to them if they do...and face whatever consequences that come from them. If he is compassionate with you then you have the right man for you, if not then he may never turn out to be. I'm sure you had reason for what you did...you may have felt sexually frustrated, you may have been seduced..whatever. Somehow I get the sense that something was missing anyway. Here is the way to find out. Link to post Share on other sites
unnamed Posted March 18, 2001 Share Posted March 18, 2001 "But a lot of great relationships have been destroyed because somebody just decided they had to be so very honest." Wrong. Great relationships end when someone with no respect for their partner cheats on them. Link to post Share on other sites
JustAGirl Posted March 18, 2001 Share Posted March 18, 2001 Just to say something about the whole lying deal: I think if he ever asks, I think you should say that yes, you've had sex. But i wouldn't describe any details. Simply say that u've done the tests and u'r clean... Just from personal experience, there's plenty of things i wish my bf never told me... cuz they made me worried/upset while they couldn't be fixed anymore... Just sharing some thoughts... good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted March 18, 2001 Share Posted March 18, 2001 I'm not trying to keep anybody from doing anything. I'm also not moving about this board telling posters who to listen to and who not to listen to. I am just stating the facts. If this lady makes a disclosure, yes, she will be honest and honorable. And her relationship will be OVER. Trust me. If she goes about her business and sins no more, she will have a second chance. I have sufficient faith in the intelligence of posters that I don't need to tell them which advice to pay attention to and which to ignore. My life won't change a bit if these two people kill each other. But I would prefer they stay together, alive. I also think going about life with the attitude that one person is right and the other is wrong is exactly the attitutde that destroys human relationships. I'm sorry it has spread to this forum. It's so great that posters get different opinions here and use their inherent intelligence to decide what moves to make for their lives without us fighting so see that they make our particular decision. Link to post Share on other sites
NICOLE Posted March 19, 2001 Share Posted March 19, 2001 To anyone who read my DO I tell statemetn about my losing my virginity to someone and not to my boyfreind of 3 years, well, we are not together right now. We date other people because we go to different schools. It is not as if I cheated on him, I just feel bad because I wanted to share this with HIM, not anyone else. So I did not CHEAT on him, I simply betrayed my own self, and that is why I feel so awful. Just to say something about the whole lying deal: I think if he ever asks, I think you should say that yes, you've had sex. But i wouldn't describe any details. Simply say that u've done the tests and u'r clean... Just from personal experience, there's plenty of things i wish my bf never told me... cuz they made me worried/upset while they couldn't be fixed anymore... Just sharing some thoughts... good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted March 19, 2001 Share Posted March 19, 2001 When you tell him, be prepared for the relationship to change dramatically at best and for him to stop seeing you at worst. This is not the kind of special information a guy likes to hear. But the majority of people here, who will not have to live with the consequences you will face, recommend that you tell him. Now, since you are not together now, if he is no longer among the guys you date it may not be that big a deal for you. However, it will hurt him nonetheless. Life is a series of lessons. Perhaps this is a lesson you must learn. You have to be responsible for and face the consequences for your actions. In this case, since you are not in a committed relationship with him, the consequences may be minimal. Since you are not in a committed relationship with him you are far less obligated to discuss these types of things with him. This man will never trust you again if you tell him. You will get 1 point for telling him about this and 99 points deducted for doing it. This last post you made would indicate it may not be all that big of a deal if you tell him. It could be much more painful for him than for you. Good luck in your decision. Link to post Share on other sites
sparkle Posted March 19, 2001 Share Posted March 19, 2001 Hi Nicole, Since you two are not together and are dating other people, I think it makes it even more okay that you don't tell. Don't feel guilty about it. You didn't cheat on him. What you do with other guys while you're not in a committed relationship with him is not his business. It will just cause unnecessary pain and trouble if you decide to tell. You did what you did because you are young, curious, and you wanted to. You weren't pressured or anything, like you said. So don't feel guilty about it or let it bother you too much. It won't help you any or make things any better by worrying about it. Just push it out of your mind, keep your mouth shut and don't tell him, and just think about the risks of having one-night stands/sex with drunk, horny, older men. Link to post Share on other sites
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