I broke NC...have I blown my chances

[Swim girl]

We only dated for 3 months but we both said we'd never felt this way before (we are both in our mid 30s). He had a big business project finally take off after years of hard work. He felt he wasn't in a position to have a stable relationship while spending all his time & money on the project. He said he had to let me go. That was 10 weeks ago. We were complete NC but I just broke it. I just messaged to say that I was reminded of him and hoped that the project was going well. I thought I'd get a polite message after a few days. But he messaged back immediately. Said that it had been so hard to let me go. That he'll prob regret it the rest of his life cos he knows I'm the one but he knows it was the right decision cos I deserve more than he can give right now. I'm distraught again. I wish I hadn't messaged. Have I blown it? If I go NC again will he come for me? I thinks it's clear that he still loves me but he thinks logically. I've had relationships before but never a connection like with this guy. I never found it before and I can't imagine I'll find it again. He's 'it' for me. If I know he'll come back to me when he's ready to be in a relationship I can cope.

[d0nnivain]

You didn't blow anything because there was nothing there. He made a choice & he picked work over you.

 

 

You being nice to him & him replying back shows that you are both polite. It's not an indicator that he's coming back.

 

 

Thumb through a pop psychology book called He's Just Not That Into You. If he were, he could find time for you & his new project at work. The fact that he's not willing to try speaks volumes. Sorry.

[Swim girl]

It's not a new project. It's something he's put a couple years of work into and after 6 weeks of us meeting he got funding to launch it. I understand him making that initial decision to choose it over us. But since he was so madly in love I thought after some NC his heart would over rule his head and he'd realise that we should at least try to make it work. But it seems that he's sticking with his head.

[foolinlove79]

It sounds like he just doesn't want to be in an rs anymore and thats just an excuse he's used to give you. Its probably a lot more then that. He just doesnt want to say What it is.

[Swim girl]

His ex dumped him because he spent too much time on the project. Then he met me just before funding came through. Now he has to work on it even more including lots of travelling. He said that he had to choose - that we would end up the same way. That he needs to not be in a relationship at all for at least the next year. He won't ask me to wait because we are mid 30s and I want to have a family.

It's hurts so much. I finally found a guy I could see myself spending my life with.

[laurbee]

Hi Swim girl, your situation sounds sort of similar to mine. After a lot of self-reflection, I think deep down our breakup was caused mostly by outside stressors and my ex just not being able to handle all the stress in his life (relationship, owning a home for the first time, super stressful banking job, final year of his MBA, etc), and it sounds like your ex is dealing with something similar. Our feelings about one another were the same too: in love with one another, and I feel in my heart that he's it for me.

 

The fact is, I've noticed a lot of people here can look at relationships and breakups in a very black and white attitude, and they're definitely not black and white at all! I'm sure tons of people are going to disagree with what I'm posting. But I think you need to take a step back and evaluate what you yourself are willing to do. If you honestly think he is the one for you, then fantastic! You're going to have a hard road ahead of you (but I have the same one, so I am right there with you!).

 

I think your ex may think you are in 2 different places in life: you're ready for a family, he's not just yet because he has this project (a project that is only now beginning to take off, that he may feel he needs to get off the ground in order for him to feel like he can actually support a family, a huge priority for men). Literally, this is the same thing with my ex and me: he thinks I want to get married soon (I don't), he's focusing on work. I think he clearly realizes his mistake, he just can't see himself getting back with you because he's probably drowning in this project and has yet to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm learning a lot of guys can only handle 2 or 3 stressful things at a time, and unfortunately relationships are a stressful thing. I think you both need to take some time to yourselves, just like my ex and I do. It sounds like we both may be in a case of right person, wrong time. People think that still means it's the wrong person, but I don't necessarily agree.

 

He clearly knows he made a mistake, he clearly still has feelings for you, and he clearly still isn't over you. Like I said, he just can't see past his project right now. He doesn't want to ask you to wait for him for about a year; are you willing to wait, or no? Are you willing to wait for a relationship, and potentially for a family? If you are, then I think the both of you should reestablish a connection with one another, casually at first, and after a while clarify this situation. But I only suggest this because you are convinced he is the one for you, and he seems to feel the same. This is going to take a lot of patience, unfortunately. If you feel it in your heart and your gut, even on the best days, that your story isn't over, then perhaps it isn't. This is just a chapter ending.

 

This is what I suggest short term, aka immediately: get in a good cry, I mean a good one. Think about all the stress and emotional rollercoasters you've got going on and just let them out. Once you're done, you will be able to think more clearly and logically. I did this exact same thing last night. That's when you can take a step back and evaluate your own situation and future. I'm not sure what you're doing to help yourself, but I seriously recommend going to the gym or signing up for some kind of fitness class as well as taking a class at a local community college for fun if you can. Both will focus your mind on other things and help you to channel your energy into something positive.

Edited June 22, 2015 by laurbee

[lana-banana]

It's not the job.

 

I have dated two men like this (you'd think I'd have learned after the first time, but...). Their lives were centered around a particular project. When push came to shove and the 60-hour weeks turned into 80-hour weeks, they had two very different reactions:

 

A) Ignored my calls, ignored my texts, and finally broke up with me in a 3-hour phone conversation in which he sobbed incoherently about how much he loved me and he was losing his mind and couldn't take it anymore and how he'd never get over me. Spent the next six weeks talking about how he wasn't sure if we'd get back together or not but how he was desperate to do right by me.

 

B) Told me he needed me more than ever. Sent me text messages as soon as he left the office, even if it was two in the morning. Apologized for being short or impatient with me. Bought me flowers. Wrote me love notes. Held me tighter every night when he went to sleep.

 

It's really not the job. If a guy truly wants to be with you, he will be with you come hell or high water. This guy just doesn't have the coping skills to handle both a woman and a task, and he put the task first. There is absolutely no honor or sense in waiting for someone who doesn't want to be waited for. It's not selfless, it's just a waste of time. This guy knows how to get in touch. If he wants you back he'll ask. Until then he doesn't deserve a moment of your time.

 

Oh, and A, the guy who was supposedly so deeply in love with me? He was dating another woman two months later. I'm happy to say B is my current boyfriend and we've managed to be stronger every day.

[Swim girl]

Thanks for all the replies. Laurbee, I could have written that. It sounds the same as how I feel. He is juggling his normal job, this project that he is putting all his money into (he thought this was something I should know) and which will involve him spending 8 of the next 12 months travelling for two months at a time, (which will mean quitting his job), and finishing a degree. He did make time for me but I could tell he was getting super stressed with it all. He's conscious that I'm in my 30s and he can't ask me to wait around for a year or so. He said he likely wouldn't be in a position financially or emotionally to have and support a family for a couple of years. He said that he had to let me go cos if we broke up after 12 or so months because of distance & stress and I was back at square one he'd never forgive himself if id missed out on having kids.

But I'm so sure he's it for me. Honestly I'd wait for him if I knew there was a very good chance we'd end up back together even if it meant not having kids or only having one. But no one can tell the future. I'm afraid that if I let go, he'll realise in time that he wants to make it work/he's in a position where he feels he can be the man he thinks I deserve but we've no way of getting back in contact. I get what everyone else is saying - I'd say the same if it was my friend in the situation. I honestly can't explain how or why but I just know that I'll never stop loving him. Even biologically, it's like two pieces of a puzzle. Neither of us ever experienced that kind if chemistry before and we've both had plenty of sexual partners/experience.