would a married man constantly flirt without intention?

[misscongeniality143]

I just recently started working with a married man who is constantly flirting with me. Hes near 30 and im in my early 20s. Hes said "hey pretty girl" a few times to me and when we talk he asks me a bunch of personal questions. He asked me if i lived alone and i told him no, then he asked me if i lived with family and i said no, then he asked me if i lived with a boyfriend and i said no, but then i told him my boyfriends mom hooked me up with a place. He interrupted me right when i said boyfriend and said "i thought you said you didnt have a boyfriend" almost sounding like he was offended. And i told him "i dont think i ever told you that" because honestly i do not remember him ever asking me. He said "i asked you the other day if you had a boyfriend and you said no" i didnt realize this at the time, but after i thought about it i realized it was strange he would ask me if i lived with a boyfriend if he thought i didnt have one. Then he started asking me questions about HIM, like what his race is, how long ive been with him...and then he asked me if i was lonely. One day when we were talking on break he told me i have a different demeanor than everybody else which makes me "unique". And he asked me if i drive. Sometimes ill catch hin staring at me or feel him staring at me at the corner of my eye, He always wants to hug me, hes walked by me before and played with my ear and also grabbed my hand, one day he sensed something was upsetting me and asked if i was ok and if i wanted to talk about it later, and i told him that i was ok, then he walked up to me and stood next to me talking to me, then he asked for a hug when we were side by side and put his arm around my waist...and then brushed up against me and asked again "are you sure youre ok?" hes even blown me a kiss before! I never use to pay attention to him before until he started flirting with me all the time, and now i feel like ive developed this attraction towards him and my coworkers are starting to notice something and i feel so wrong for that so the past few days ive been giving him the cold shoulder. I dont WANT to be a bitch to him because i work with him and i dont want any kind of anomocity because work is dreadful enough as it is and i dont want to make it any worse but i dont know what else to do. Would a married man FLIRT like this if he had no desire to pursue anything?

[Morro72]

That's not flirting, that's full pursuit mode.

 

Shut him down hard or run for your life.

[Babs22]

No, a MM would not do this unless he wanted something to happen. Since he is a MM, and he is moving hard to the hoop on you, he is probably looking for an A with you. Just reading your post, he sounds kind of creepy. Unless you want to end up as an OW in an A with a MM, I would continue to keep your distance. Think about it, you were not interested in him at all, but he flirts with you, gives you compliments and now you are starting to develop an attraction towards him. All his attention he is paying to you is starting to pay off and if you are not careful you will end up in an A with him. If that happens, you need to break it off with your BF, and the reality is MM do not leave there wives for the OW. Go read the threads on the OW/OM page. Many heartbroken woman breaking off A after 1, 3, 5, 10 years and the pain they are in. I speak from experience by the way. I am the OW, it started out similar to yours but not as creepy sounding. He didn't cross any physical boundaries or ask about my H. I would make sure you have firm boundaries and try to keep your distance. Are you not interested in your BF anymore or was it never that serious? Oh yeah, and that age difference is another warning flag IMO.

[Lois_Griffin]

Would a married man FLIRT like this if he had no desire to pursue anything?

The ones constantly on the make act JUST like this. Seems you can't swing a dead cat around by the tail without hitting at least 10 pitiful married men out looking to get themselves a little on the side.

 

You're exactly his type - young, not a lot of experience, and not yet savvy enough to know better that married pigs like him looking to get laid are a DIME a dozen. You're perfect.

 

And no, that's not a compliment.

 

But you'd be extremely naïve to believe for ONE second that you're just so special that he just can't resist you and has never acted this way before, because I guarantee you - he has. Many, many, many, many times.

 

You can choose to be yet another notch on his belt or seek better for yourself.

[jen1447]

would a married man constantly flirt without intention?

Probably not, but I suppose it's possible he's just a frustrated serial flirter who likes to push boundaries.

[misscongeniality143]

I know from experience married men very rarely ever leave their wives and i know if he is trying to pursue anything he wouldnt be interested in anything other than a fling and that is not worth losing my man over

Edited June 21, 2015 by misscongeniality143

[Friskyone4u]

Like others have said, he is in full pursuit mode motivated solely by his "loer brain".

 

Stop worrying about being a bitch. You do not have to put up with it if you do not want to. His comments and questions would be considered "harrassment" in most work places so why don't you just tell him you do not appreciate his comments and if they do not stop you will be forced to seek a different remedy. That ought to have the effect of pouring some ice water on his penis if he has any brains.

 

By letting it continue out of congeniality you are sending a message that you want it to continue.

[misscongeniality143]

Thank you, i appreciate everybodys advice.

[whichwayisup]

I know from experience married men very rarely ever leave their wives and i know if he is trying to pursue anything he wouldnt be interested in anything other than a fling and that is not worth losing my man over

 

He has no respect for you and thinks he can manipulate you into fooling around with him on the side. Calling you 'pretty girl' and then asking personal questions, finding out you have a bf, then pretending to be offended or whatever IS a cat and mouse game to try to get you to be interested in him, he's acting mysterious so you'll react too.

 

DON'T react! He is not a good guy, he's playing you because he can.

 

 

Focus on your boyfriend, focus on yourself as to why you're allowing some married guy to flatter you so much, enough to make you think hmmm about him. He will use you and hurt you - He is married and as you know NOT gonna leave his wife for you and start over.

 

Think of your boyfriend and how he would feel if he knew what you were doing.

[MJJean]

He's just another married man looking to get laid. He doesn't really give a rats patootie about you. He doesn't think you're "special" or "unique". He thinks you're a young woman without a lot of backbone and little life experience who will put out for him until he gets bored or his wife finds out.

 

If you don't want animosity an work, firmly tell him to put a lid on it because he's got a WIFE and you aren't interested in married men.

 

Because, believe me, nothing creates animosity and a "hostile work environment" like being branded a whore who messes with married men.

 

Also, imagine what would happen if you did have an affair with him and his wife found out. Some women don't take that kind of thing lying down and can become quite vengeful.

[sandylee1]

That's not flirting, that's full pursuit mode.

 

Shut him down hard or run for your life.

 

I agree. This is way more than flirting and he's out of line. Try and distance yourself from him and ask him not to put his arm round your waist as that kind of touching makes you feel uncomfortable.

 

Hopefully he'll get the message. If not then speak to someone in HR. This is sexual harassment

 

Also try not to be alone with him.

[misscongeniality143]

He was asking about my encounter with that guy who ruined my career..asking if i was still with him etc...and the only thing i didnt tell him is that he was married. Mainly because its embarrassing and i dont like telling people about it. I would always answer him with short and to the point answers thinking maybe he would take a hint. But he just keeps coming around. And im pretty sure if i did tell him then maybe he would realize that im not giving into his game. I already know how married men are from experience and im not trying to get myself wrapped up in a situation like that again.

Edited June 22, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[GoldieLox]

and now i feel like ive developed this attraction towards him

 

 

Don't confuse attraction with liking the attention he's giving you. I'm not saying that to be rude, I'm saying that because there's a difference, and it often happens with these types of situations.

 

I echo the sentiment of others that this guy is pursuing you and sounds downright creepy. Shut him down and keep your distance. Your livelihood isn't worth ruining over him.

[TunaCat]

This guy is trying to wear you down so you are easier to bed. Complimenting you, asking if you live alone in addition to all of the other personal questions he asked you.

 

You need to shut him down right now or you could end up being pulled into an A with this MM.

[MJJean]

He was asking about my encounter with that guy who ruined my career..asking if i was still with him etc...and the only thing i didnt tell him is that he was married. Mainly because its embarrassing and i dont like telling people about it. I would always answer him with short and to the point answers thinking maybe he would take a hint. But he just keeps coming around. And im pretty sure if i did tell him then maybe he would realize that im not giving into his game. I already know how married men are from experience and im not trying to get myself wrapped up in a situation like that again.

 

So you'e already had your "career ruined" by some kind of involvement with a married man and you...what? Need to know exactly what to say and/or do to shut down the newest sleezeball married man trying to get you in bed?

 

We can't tell you exactly what to say or do. That has to come from you. People here can only give you a general idea like "Your behavior, the touching, and the things you say, the personal questions, aren't appropriate for work and certainly aren't appropriate for a married man. Please stop and keep things professional or I will contact human resources/the manager/an attorney."

Edited June 22, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[misscongeniality143]

Don't confuse attraction with liking the attention he's giving you.

 

Im demisexual.

 

I really dont ever feel any physical attraction towards anybody anymore unless i have this emotional bond with them. I can walk past a guy at a grocery store or something and he can have great physical features, but i cant picture myself being with him physically/sexually. Ive had a lot of guys at my work try to get at me when i first started working there but i didnt think anything of it. Hes a good looking guy and he cleans himself up nice but i never paid attention to him until i moved departments and started working with him. I guess its his personality that drew me to him. A guy can look like a supermodel but if i dont know him i wont feel any physical attraction at all..or if their personality sucks then they become physically ugly to me.

 

And im a pretty reserved person so i just wanted to get this off my mind. Like its not healthy to bottle emotions. My gut instinct about this guy was telling me what all you guys are telling me, but i wasnt certain about it. And also i dont like people who lead people on and make them THINK that theyre into them or that theyre attracted to them when theyre really not just for their own sick pleasure because thats fake and just plain evil and if that was the case then there would be problems. But i guess my mind wasnt playing tricks on me...

[spanz1]

yes there are people, both men and women, who flirt a lot but have absolutely no intention of cheating. But you would have known that from dating him before marrying him....so you married already knowing that

[Trimmer]

We can't tell you exactly what to say or do. That has to come from you. People here can only give you a general idea like "Your behavior, the touching, and the things you say, the personal questions, aren't appropriate for work and certainly aren't appropriate for a married man. Please stop and keep things professional or I will contact human resources/the manager/an attorney."

You should be this direct. Protect yourself and your life.

 

If you can't be this direct, at least push back. Turn every answer, every interaction with him in to something about his family and his wife. "What race is my boyfriend? What race is your wife?" Or the all-purpose "What would your wife think of you asking me that/touching me this way/etc.?"

[Popsicle]

Oh yeah, some do flirt without intention, because they love the attention and the game, but it doesn't sound like yours just wants that. It sounds like he wants more.

[loveboid]

Be a bitch to him. If he ever lays one finger on you say, "Don't touch me!" firmly and loudly so others can hear then keep doing your work. He'll take his hand off right quick and won't do it again. I've done this and it works.

 

If he does touch you again, ask your manager for advice in dealing with his unwelcome behavior.

[TintedChrome]

Just read this thread and I'm thinking omfg...... does this guy have a complete death wish for his career AND his marriage? No this isn't normal flirting or normal anything. He's begging for a sexual harassment complaint and a divorce. My opinion? I'd say you're entitled to push back against him with any method at your disposal.

[d0nnivain]

While there are people who flirt for the pure enjoyment of flirting, nothing more, this guy is more of a predator or he's an absolute dolt. What he's doing is inappropriate at work. You need to shut him down. Point blank tell him that you don't care to discuss non work related personal subjects with him & he has to stop the hugs & kisses or you will report him to HR.

 

 

Keep a diary of the dates & times he does these things. Note who is around. You will need this evidence when everything comes to a head & you have to get management to intervene to get him to stop

[berniev]

If you don't like the flirts, then it's sexual harassment. Did you tell him to stop? If you did, only once is enough, and he didn't, you should talk to your boss and HR immediately. No self-respecting employer would allow this to continue. Remember he could be harassing other employees too.

 

If you do like the flirts, then do whatever you want. :-) Just remember don't shyt where you eat.

Edited June 22, 2015 by berniev

[misscongeniality143]

Well, to make things a bit more clear as to him sexually harrassing me...

 

He always asks me for permission for a hug. Ive never told him to not touch me. Its not like hes grabbing my ass or anything like that. The only thing i didnt do was respond when he blew me a kiss because i felt like that was a lil over the top. I can be overly friendy sometimes which makes me come off as flirtatious even though i dont mean anything by it. Unless i hate somebody and am completely repulsed by them then yea i will definitely speak up about them touching me.

 

In fact another one of my coworkers who is male told me today that i am too nice. I dont know if he was saying that because hes mad i turned him down when he asked me out or what but maybe he is right...maybe i am being too nice. And he said that when i slammed the microwave door in the breakroom by accident. I said "sorry" because it was so loud. Then thats when he asked me what i was sorry for and that im "too nice" well, im nice to everybody unless they give me a reason not to be. I have gotten along with everybody so far. So maybe he said im "too nice" because yea im still nice to him and play along when he jokes with me...so i guess maybe i should just be a bitch to him so he doesnt think im leading him on? Eeerr..i.dont know why he said that...

[stillafool]

He was asking about my encounter with that guy who ruined my career..asking if i was still with him etc...and the only thing i didnt tell him is that he was married. Mainly because its embarrassing and i dont like telling people about it. I would always answer him with short and to the point answers thinking maybe he would take a hint. But he just keeps coming around. And im pretty sure if i did tell him then maybe he would realize that im not giving into his game. I already know how married men are from experience and im not trying to get myself wrapped up in a situation like that again.

 

I'm really surprised after your experience with a MM that you had no clue that this guy was coming on to you. Really? You already know how to respond to him after your last experience.