ThumbingMyWay Posted April 29, 2005 Share Posted April 29, 2005 Had to drive to Cadillac, MI for a project meeting. Had a total of 14 hours of drivetime.....thought alot about my situation...and my next steps. Lately I have been struggling with this whole mess...trying to get over my sadness, fears and anger. Trying to move on and focus on the future and the positives...but its been harder than I thought.... The MC we are in....is actually more of IC. The theory of our C is that you must fix YOURSELF, before yuo can fix your relationships. I am struggling with that.....casue I came into C for MC...not IC. ....but the more I think of this....the more it makes sense with me. The fact is....me and my wife are not happy within OURSELVES....and it showed in our relationship....we came to a point where we drifted apart...and she had an affair. Knowing what we know now....the affair was the outcome of our individaul choices to ignore the problems in our relationship. So of course we or I want to repair the relationship.....but ultimatley we need to fix ourselves....the question is HOW? I have been with my wife for half my life....she is all I know. Everything I did revolved aound her....and her to I. We never took the time to BE OURSELVES.....and unfortunatly it took an A to bring this to light. We were a text-book co-dependent couple...and it played hard on our individuality. We both have goals and dreams of what we want as individuals.....and at times we would squander these dreams casue we felt we could never achieve them cause we are married. BUT what I am FINALYY starting to understand...is that we can be individuals..YET remain a married couple. So here I am....driving and thinking......WHO AM I?. tough question if you really think about it. I mean, do we lable ourselves as certian things?. I am a father, a husband, a son...these things are known. But what am I really?....I thought long and hard about this....and I determined...I really dont know....which was scary and exciting at the same time. I and my wife have a HUGE opportunity here....we can really explore this idea consiously.... the problem I think that was hindering me from taking the next step...was the fear of what my future holds for me. All my life I had a notion of what the future would be like....until she had her affair....and ALL WAS LOST......which in turn, drove me to a very unhappy place....a place I had never been before.....I BECAME LOST INSIDE MYSELF.....the reality of being human hit me.....WE DONT KNOW WAHT THE FUTURE HOLDS FOR US.....and that reality scared the crap outta me.... So....during my drive time.....it hit me. I need to stop being co-dependent...and be myself. I cannot live MY life through others....I have to live it through ME....and my relationship with my wife will be a bonus to this self discovery....it took me awhile to understand and accept this....but its my only option. I can do or be anything I ever wanted to be.....(within reason of course...I dont think it would be wise to be a porn star....hahahah). What I am trying to say is....I am 34 years old and have the chance to define myself as I want to....not what other people think or want me to be. I want to lose weight and get my body into shape.....I CAN DO THIS... I want to spread the word of LOVE and not feel wierd about it.... I want to step out of the norm and be an individual.... I am giving myself the permission to "lable" myself using a pencil....instead of a permenant marker......that way I can change it if I want to....BECAUSE I CAN.... Sylvia....following your intuition.....I finaly am GOING to figuring out my s***...and you will too.....we WILL become better people after all the s*** we have been through.....WE HAVE A CHANCE OF LIFETIME HERE....its time we make the journey....and I am finally ready to do this.... My wife said to me last night...."we will look back on this as a bump in the road of our marriage"..... I will look back on this A as the cataylis for finally becoming AWARE of life itself.... my journey continues.... Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted April 29, 2005 Share Posted April 29, 2005 Life is what happens when you're making other plans... Yay for you in finding clarity.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted April 29, 2005 Author Share Posted April 29, 2005 Originally posted by Merin Life is what happens when you're making other plans... there alot of truth to that Merin....truth that I never really thought about. Life is happening right now.....whats the other saying: If you worry about yesterday and are thinking about tomorrow....your missing out on today"...or sumptin like that.... Yay for you in finding clarity.. double yay!....no more rigid linear thinking for ME! Link to post Share on other sites
cranium Posted April 29, 2005 Share Posted April 29, 2005 TMW, You've kept up with my thread and know that our experiences are similar. I'm going to throw a little eastern philosophy at you - read the book "If the Buddha Married, Creating Enduring Relationships on a Spiritual Path" by Charlotte Kasl. It takes a lot of energy to get out of our heads and live from our hearts. It's all about being present to the now. Cranium Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted April 29, 2005 Author Share Posted April 29, 2005 Originally posted by cranium TMW, You've kept up with my thread and know that our experiences are similar. I'm going to throw a little eastern philosophy at you - read the book "If the Buddha Married, Creating Enduring Relationships on a Spiritual Path" by Charlotte Kasl. It takes a lot of energy to get out of our heads and live from our hearts. It's all about being present to the now. Cranium Yes I know your situ too.....and I think 'papple' that recently posted on Dazed thread is in our boat also. All of us had wives who continued there A throughout MC...until they came clean or got found out. f***ED up to say the least.....anyways.... Our MC uses VERY spiritual based concepts. To which I am torn since I have faith in Christ. It seems to be working for my wife....but I do struggle at times.... BUT....I have determined that I can use her (MC) philosphies when paired against our inner spirit or soul...or as I would call it, the Holy Spirit within me. And when I use her help in this context, it seems to help greatly....in fact I believe her spiritual based concepts go hand in hand with the understanding of the holy spirit. Its all divine in my eyes.... Link to post Share on other sites
babybear Posted April 29, 2005 Share Posted April 29, 2005 TMW - I admire the way you look back upon the affair, and turn it into something more positive. That shows a lot of inner strength and maturity. With that sort of outlook on life, I don't doubt for a moment that you will be able to overcome the difficult times. Good luck. Babybear Link to post Share on other sites
sylviaguardian Posted May 1, 2005 Share Posted May 1, 2005 Originally posted by ThumbingMyWay I can do or be anything I ever wanted to be..... I am giving myself the permission to "lable" myself using a pencil....instead of a permenant marker......that way I can change it if I want to....BECAUSE I CAN.... Sylvia....following your intuition.....I finaly am GOING to figuring out my s***...and you will too.....we WILL become better people after all the s*** we have been through.....WE HAVE A CHANCE OF LIFETIME HERE....its time we make the journey....and I am finally ready to do this.... My wife said to me last night...."we will look back on this as a bump in the road of our marriage"..... I will look back on this A as the cataylis for finally becoming AWARE of life itself.... my journey continues.... And hereforth begins the new life of thumbing my way...No longer constrained by doing what he THINKS he should be doing but by doing the things that he NEEDS to do to be TMY. How to do it? To look inside your self and pull out those needs that have been buried for years, to give them a little light and water and watch them grow. Thumbs, I am so happy for you. I totally agree with you. For me the A, has been the beginning of a new life. I have the chance to re-write the book every day and I am only beginning to make my own life, as I want it to be. At this point I would thoroughly recommend that you read Illusions by Richard Bach. It's very thin - you can read it in one night but you will not sleep after! It's about having the power to shape everything - the past, present and future. It's not a self-help book, by the way, more of a manual for how to think about life. Arise Sir Thumbs! YOUR future awaits and it will be full of the things you expect...!! Syl P.s. Being a porn star at your age is not that unusual - don't know if they pay very well though....:-) Link to post Share on other sites
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