Too much love but too much pain as well

[Hardep]

Hai guys,

I dont know how to start it, me n husband married over a year.. We really love each other , but we both so much diferent and always opposites in any matter , culture , the way of thinking, I mean all ( we came from different country, I am asian, he is turkish ). We never stop fighting everyday, really everyday. Staying wit him cause so much pain , not be wit him also pain for me. I tried everything , such us adaptation, tolerate, passion, try to follow ect , all seems like doesn't work. The more i compromise the more new drama. So I think it's not gonna work. For me he is not fair, he wants to be followed all the time cause he is the "husband" the "leader" , that's how he said. But all those think mostly to much for me, like I can't talk wit any guy at all, even neighbor or friend, or even male cashier, let say if a man look at me, he will be angry on me. I can't do anything he doesn't like, even he angry over the food I like. He is angry on everything. I can remember when we just married , I can't walk 1 meter away from him at the supermarket just to get my woman stuff, until I have to keep fighting for that till he allows me to a lil separate in supermarket. He controlling all my social media when idk anything about him, he controls my clothes ect, he wants me really like religious woman who only obey and follow him, anytime I say no, he will be angry. He wants me to be like religious woman when he is not at all, he very rare pray, and keep drinking. He can angry and yelling wit pinching at me in public place like moll which really embarrassed me, he is like psycho, he is so much intimidating ...meanwhile , I am independent woman,who get used to do anything by my self, I'm med stud, who wants everything in fair way. Who think mariage in love should be share each other. Not a company which consist 'bos' and 'employe', not thinking like a husband money maker and wife only doing house hold stuff. I want everything fairly share. I keep saying it to him, but it's always ended by angryness who said im to much demanding. I'm spoil, he keep saying I should follow him, cause he gave me food, (for God sake, i never had problem wit "can't have food" since I was born , thankfully) but he mention it like he gave me gold.

He work as a busniness man, which always surrounded by bad marriage friend, cheated wife ect, so sometime I think that's why he 'over protected' to me.. Okay, but other controlling stuff I can't handle for more, I'm so tired . I keep saying I'm not happy, he doesn't care and said then "R u care my happiness as well", so this bouncing question never ends.

Also it's not only me suffering, I feel poor for him cause he also suffering from me cause I can't keep satisfy all his wishes. This relationship hurtful for us.

What should I do?? Should I divorce or keep going on something hard to change (people say , behave is hard to change) ?

I keep wanna leave him, but my heart so much pain,, I can't handle it

Idk why, he even never make me happy, he never gave me anything since we got married, even on my birthday, he is not rich, even when he had money, he didn't let me hold a bit, pay my bills but wit big hard question like untrust way of asking. My bills not big anyway. He never took me holiday, even for honeymoon I was arrange it and he hardly follow, and it was disaster as well. I was hardly collect money , to buy surprize cruise holiday and he cancell it bcause he "has" to work and I have to understand and that ticket just burned. To remember all the thing he did to me really painfull.. My life ruined. I really don't know what to do.. I'm not ready to be a widow in this young age ( im 23 yo, he is 34),, but also I wanna be free, but I don't think I can be free when I got really to much pain wit or without him...

Our sex life fine btw, but i don't care to much about sex. He was my first sex and I'm second wife (I mean after he divorce, not is same time).

Any advise?

[GoldieLox]

Was he like this when you were dating? I'm just curious if you knew all this going into it. Not judging at all, just wondering if you thought he may change when you got married, which by the way, he will not. This is a thing in the middle eastern culture. Middle eastern men are the men of the household, no ifs, ands or buts. They are the leader, the alpha male, the breadwinner, and may hell freeze over if you put a toe out of line and disagree with them. My grandfather was a very kind, loving person, but even I saw this attitude come out in him from time to time.

 

It's only going to get worse. Did I read correctly that you are a med student? Let's assume everything goes smoothly and you finish med school, residency, and become a doctor. Someone of your status, independence and income being married to a man like this won't bode well with him. He's only going to tighten the reins even more. You already state you can't really go anywhere by yourself, wear what you want, etc. Did I also read correctly that he pinches you in public? That's physical abuse. He's physically and emotionally abusing you. Do you both want kids? Do you want your kids growing up in this environment?

 

Some things to think about. I would get out now, personally. Get out now and regain your independence.

[Hardep]

Was he like this when you were dating? I'm just curious if you knew all this going into it. Not judging at all, just wondering if you thought he may change when you got married, which by the way, he will not. This is a thing in the middle eastern culture. Middle eastern men are the men of the household, no ifs, ands or buts. They are the leader, the alpha male, the breadwinner, and may hell freeze over if you put a toe out of line and disagree with them. My grandfather was a very kind, loving person, but even I saw this attitude come out in him from time to time.

 

It's only going to get worse. Did I read correctly that you are a med student? Let's assume everything goes smoothly and you finish med school, residency, and become a doctor. Someone of your status, independence and income being married to a man like this won't bode well with him. He's only going to tighten the reins even more. You already state you can't really go anywhere by yourself, wear what you want, etc. Did I also read correctly that he pinches you in public? That's physical abuse. He's physically and emotionally abusing you. Do you both want kids? Do you want your kids growing up in this environment?

 

Some things to think about. I would get out now, personally. Get out now and regain your independence.

 

No he wasn't like this before we got married, he even sweet and keep giving me gift, he always try to follow me even. But it was short, like 4 monts dating, then engaged , then 3 months after we got married.

Idk about common culture there, but I actually did ask him "what u expect to me if we marry?" Before we marry. then he said ,"nothing, even u just sitting at the corner all day, I wouldn't mind" that's why I finally said "I do". I though I will enjoy sweet love forever. Then Bam.

He is also kind , and loving person, and make me happy, IF u obey/follow / not doing anything he dislike.

Yes I'm, med stud, will be finish 6 monts later , I suppose to finished already if I don't take too many "off" to keep come to him in diferent city (not in same city of my university), to become a good wife.

If pinching is a physical abuse, means I got a lot more than that, he keep hurting me phsical way, scroll my hand till I scream, slap my head, ect. but after that he say it's joke, he said ur words make me have to do that to you. I said it's really hurt, he just laugh, so I though it's a joke.

Ya we both want kids, and I even hope kids can make home softer to me.. What do u think? But not easy for us, cause I got PCO (small eggs), it's easy if I got meds, but a bit hard in natural way. We fought everyday so we never had chance to really doing that.

One thing more, divorce is kinda taboo here where I live,, I know I shouldn't care what people say, I don't care about people, but how about family, I can't say I want to separate cause I can't follow my husband. It's even more taboo..

But not my main concern, the thing is,, it's so much painful for me , I love him so much, too much, I keep crying and even have mind to end my life, my brain can't tolerate this relationship anymore but my heart can't leave him.. I feel stupid, I can't eat, and can't do anything. Really .. My belly feels like stabbed wit many sharp knives. But idk what kind of sacrifices he wants more from me..

[Hardep]

Btw. Thanks for the advise. I really do appreciate that