My girlfriend doesn't trust me

[Daniel994]

I've been in a LDR for eight months and so far it's been amazing. I love her and there's no doubt that she loves me as well. However there is something that is bothering me; my girlfriend doesn't trust me.

Whenever I'm going out somewhere she is always worried that I'll end up cheating on her. She thinks that she's not good enough for me and that I will find someone else. Thing is, the lack of trust she feels is because she is very insecure. I have been thinking about this for a long time and there can't be something that I have done to make her feel this way.

 

She never accused me of cheating. She's only been telling me how she's always worried that I will cheat on her. I asked her why she thinks I would cheat on her and her answer was simple; "If you cheated on me I would never find out because we don't live in the same city, and you can just pretend like everything is normal. I will never find out."

 

When she tells me this I kinda feel that she is the one that might end up cheating on me. From what I have heard, people who worry that their partner is cheating are more likely to end up cheating on him/her instead. The fact that she said that she would never find out if I cheated on her makes me feel like she is the one who is planning to cheat on me and then thinks I will do the same. I don't think she would do it but her lack of trust makes me unsure.

 

I never cheated on her and I won't ever do that. We're both 19 years old. Any suggestions what I should do in this situation? I don't want to leave her because of this. I love her and we're planning a future together.

[therealtonegonehome]

I've been in a LDR for eight months and so far it's been amazing. I love her and there's no doubt that she loves me as well. However there is something that is bothering me; my girlfriend doesn't trust me.

Whenever I'm going out somewhere she is always worried that I'll end up cheating on her. She thinks that she's not good enough for me and that I will find someone else. Thing is, the lack of trust she feels is because she is very insecure. I have been thinking about this for a long time and there can't be something that I have done to make her feel this way.

 

She never accused me of cheating. She's only been telling me how she's always worried that I will cheat on her. I asked her why she thinks I would cheat on her and her answer was simple; "If you cheated on me I would never find out because we don't live in the same city, and you can just pretend like everything is normal. I will never find out."

 

When she tells me this I kinda feel that she is the one that might end up cheating on me. From what I have heard, people who worry that their partner is cheating are more likely to end up cheating on him/her instead. The fact that she said that she would never find out if I cheated on her makes me feel like she is the one who is planning to cheat on me and then thinks I will do the same. I don't think she would do it but her lack of trust makes me unsure.

 

I never cheated on her and I won't ever do that. We're both 19 years old. Any suggestions what I should do in this situation? I don't want to leave her because of this. I love her and we're planning a future together.

I am 19 myself. So I can relate to this situation a little.

 

If she's worried about you cheating, she 'd rather have you over goddamn Channing Tatum himself. She prefers you at the top of the food chain of love and all things that matter in her life. I could be wrong. But you need to bring more evidence to the table. More evidence that she loves you truly and wouldn't let go of you. This is quite good for you. Don't screw it up. Try to place her at the top priority of things you pay attention to and care about in your life. I assure you, it's gonna be a good time and a happy one.

[Daniel994]

I am 19 myself. So I can relate to this situation a little.

 

If she's worried about you cheating, she 'd rather have you over goddamn Channing Tatum himself. She prefers you at the top of the food chain of love and all things that matter in her life. I could be wrong. But you need to bring more evidence to the table. More evidence that she loves you truly and wouldn't let go of you. This is quite good for you. Don't screw it up. Try to place her at the top priority of things you pay attention to and care about in your life. I assure you, it's gonna be a good time and a happy one.

 

Thank you for your fast reply. Apreciated. I am 99% sure that she loves me, a lot. But I'll make sure I am completely sure about it. She can be pretty jealous (she told me) even though I haven't noticed that much of it. What I like about her is that she's not controlling at all. She lets me do what I want even if it's something she doesn't feel good about.

[therealtonegonehome]

It's a good thing if she's not using a remote control for you. And if she's feeling jealous, it means she's vulnerable to any damage that can come from your end. Be careful of every move you make and think twice before making it or you 'll end up losing her. You don't want that.

[lolablue17]

Although she's probably honest with you when she expresses her insecurities, My (long long) experience tells me that you're right. That she will eventually cheat on you (if not already).

 

Most cheaters are not serial. They don't like to think of themselves as cheaters. But if you give them an excuse which allows them to cheat without guilt, they will cheat.

 

So every time she comes with the:

"Maybe you cheated on me",

 

It could be the short version of the phrase:

"I slept with someone yesterday, but maybe you cheated on me, how can i possibly know you didn't? So we are equal and i can feel not guilty of anything"

 

It's just an example and that attitude can come in different shapes, but you got the idea. It's not 100% this is the case but i've seen it happen so many times.

 

LDR sucks!

[Daniel994]

Although she's probably honest with you when she expresses her insecurities, My (long long) experience tells me that you're right. That she will eventually cheat on you (if not already).

 

Most cheaters are not serial. They don't like to think of themselves as cheaters. But if you give them an excuse which allows them to cheat without guilt, they will cheat.

 

So every time she comes with the:

"Maybe you cheated on me",

 

It could be the short version of the phrase:

"I slept with someone yesterday, but maybe you cheated on me, how can i possibly know you didn't? So we are equal and i can feel not guilty of anything"

 

It's just an example and that attitude can come in different shapes, but you got the idea. It's not 100% this is the case but i've seen it happen so many times.

 

LDR sucks!

 

You're right about that, however what do you think I should do? Talk with her? Consider breaking up with her?

We both love each other very much, and I feel that she is not the type who would cheat. But you can never be sure.

[Torii]

IMHO, insecurities kill relationships.

 

If you're girlfriend thinks you will cheat on her, she obviously doesn't have enough trust developed to say that she loves you. Somebody that loves you, all of you, would have no doubt in their mind about your words and wouldn't second guess you when you're away.

 

Trust is essential for a healthy, strong relationship to develop over the course of time and if you cannot develop the trust in each other that is absolutely needed, your relationship will suffer tremendously. No trust = No relationship.

[d0nnivain]

She is young, immature & insecure. An LDR is hard. It requires a tremendous amount of trust. She's still figuring out life & love. When she says these things to you, it's a teenaged girl's version of reverse psychology. She's looking for constant reassurance.

 

 

About the only thing you can do is throw it back at her. Tell her she could cheat on you too but that you trust her to remain faithful. The ask her to show you the same level of trust. Explain how while you would not cheat her constant focus on the possibility is a real drag & needs to stop.

[justwhoiam]

I may be naive, but I tend to side with most of the things therealtonegonehome said.

 

Also, I wonder how many girls/women in a LDR never thought "he might meet someone else locally....." Because I think we all did soon or later. If not that, I'd say 99% of us. It is no indication that we'd throw our arms around the first guy passing by. That's ridiculous. I think it means that women tend to think of any possible scenario, and that's included. The most optimistic souls will see good things prevail, the realistic ones will consider even the worst scenario.

 

She was honest with you sharing what goes through her mind. That's amplified by the fact that you're away from her. You didn't say how often you two meet. Because that could be ground for her thoughts.

Also, her thoughts might be fueled by things she hears/reads. If you see her once every 3 or 6 months, then the world is full of stories of 19 year old students dating around........

 

It looks like you have serious intentions with her. Just reassure her. Let her know how much she means to you. Make her feel special. And see how it goes.

 

P.S. Men get bothered by this kind of "twisted" imagination, because their first thought is 'I didn't do anything wrong for her to think this', but it's just a girl's logic, deal with it.

[darkmoon]

i'd be like her, tbh, you need to be more romantic, you can not keep commutng for ever, get real

 

she sees you in a certain light atmo, buy her a ring, as that is cat-nip to a woman, she will understand that you mean forever, tell her

[Daniel994]

Thanks for your replies. I understand she feels this way because it's completely normal for someone in a LDR. She was honest and told me how she is feeling and I should appreciate that. We do not meet that often but I'll make sure to show her how much I love her.

[MariaMars]

Thanks for your replies. I understand she feels this way because it's completely normal for someone in a LDR. She was honest and told me how she is feeling and I should appreciate that. We do not meet that often but I'll make sure to show her how much I love her.

 

Make sure you have a plan. I am very serious about this. You NEED to make her feel secure (not emotionally). I mean like you need to make her feel like there is light in the tunnel. Reassure her. BOTH of you need to nurture the relationship itself. Visit each other every month, every 6 months or once a year but have a plan to close the distance. My ex was not financially able to visit me and made up false promises when the distance will close. For example, he lied that he will make a certain amount of money for an August trip. I bought a bus ticket and was consistent with the planning until he stopped being interested and blaming me for rushing him. I started to not trust him more and more.

 

You both also have to accept that this relationship is NOT the same as face to face. You bound to always be disappointed if you do that. So be consistent. Communicate with sincerity. Give to yourself and give to her and visa versa.

 

When a woman is honest with her feelings it's not insecurity nor immaturity.

Edited June 24, 2015 by MariaMars

[d0nnivain]

Also, I wonder how many girls/women in a LDR never thought "he might meet someone else locally....." Because I think we all did soon or later. If not that, I'd say 99% of us.

 

 

I was in a bi-coastal NYC to LA LDR for 2.5 years in the early 90s before cell phones, before the internet, before Skype & FB & every other way to stay connected. We had snail mail & 1 hour long phone call on Wednesdays after 11 PM est when the rates went down. Back then AmEx had a deal with northwest airlines for students: you got 3 vouchers per year for tickets anywhere in the continental us for $99 RT; after that tickets were $119 so I did get to see my guy 4x per year, which was a lot for students.

 

 

It never crossed my mind that he would cheat. He was a loyal guy. I got a letter in the mail every day. I sent him one every day

 

 

In the end, as I was about to finish grad school I ended it because we were fundamentally incompatible as an LTR; he was too irresponsible for me to ever consider marrying. I had also begun to fancy a local guy but other than some flirting, that didn't go anywhere until I broke up with the LDR. BTW, I flew all the way to California to end it in person rather than over the phone because I thought he deserved that.