My MM: the selfish, conflict-avoidant, path-of-least-resistance coward!

[RoseVille]

MM and I were getting closer and closer, our time together becoming more and more "normal relationship" feeling. A lot of bonding, sharing, with some almost boring/mundane life activities shared together.

 

Over the course of last week or so, MM said something crass (unlike him), then something mildly hurtful (insulting something I'm proud of), then a series of things I found hurtful (about the nature of our relationship). Details aren't necessary, just trust me that you'd all agree that I was justified in being upset. I had several "WTF?" moments. Granted, they were via text, but there was no mistaking the substance. These comments he made resulted in a conversation wherein he ultimately described our relationship as "laying a guilt trip on him" and "causing unnecessary stress" and "drama" and "not working for him anymore." He also said that our A had filled a void for him - that void being "good times [aka sex] and connection without any of the drama associated with a long-term relationship" - and that he no longer felt that our A was working for him anymore.

 

Ha. Haha. Hahahahaha!

 

(After the one time I cried my eyes out one night and reached peace by the next morning, I handled this like a champ. I don't think I had any real hurt left, if that make sense. Although I still have misty moments, I literally feel like I'm all cried out. I'd almost expected this to happen because I was less invested in maintaining the status quo, no longer walking on eggshells, speaking my mind... and I knew what the effect would be.)

 

My interpretation of his comments last week is this:

 

In short, he saw our relationship as becoming "like a normal relationship" (because it was), (gasp!) I had actual feelings (because I'm human!) and held him responsible when he did/said d*ck things (because although I got myself into this situation because I was fine with the circumstances, I defend myself when wronged, full stop), and quite simply, he didn't like any of it. This made him retreat, as any uncomfortable/unfamiliar feeling makes him do, because our A is supposed to be easy peasy and not cause him any awkwardness or grief. I was just supposed to be an easy hook up with good conversations and laughs and none of the trappings of a real relationship - that is, without any conflict, no matter how minor.

 

(MM cannot handle conflict of any kind. It's almost comical. I don't enjoy it or seek it out, but I do not shy away from it - I prefer to address it, see it as room for growth and understanding between people.)

 

He of course at first got very defensive and tried to throw some stuff back in my face (honestly reminded me of fights I had with SOs in my early 20s when we were immature, "Oh yeah? Well you [insert whatever stupid thing]..."), and took umbrage with my interpretation, but I stood my ground about how f**ked up he was being. He was rambling and throwing things in the kitchen sink, ya know?

 

Then all of a sudden, he pulled a 180 and responded to me in a way that sounded like a speech written by a marriage counselor. He apologized profusely, acknowledging (rightfully) that he's the one who's f*cked up, acknowledging for the n'th time that he's conflict avoidant, takes the path of least resistance, is a coward, that he's projecting his issues and annoyances with his M onto me/us and what we have. He said he's struggling with the guilt towards both his MM and me, and hasn't figured out a way to lead a double life in a way that he can reconcile all his feelings. He repeated how much he was sorry he hurt me, how important I am to him and how much he values me and our friendship. That this entire thing falling apart is all his fault.

 

Looking back at the whole thing, he couldn't end our A on his own accord, basically. He did the whole "be a supreme d*ck so she breaks it off" cowardly move. And it worked. And then he freaked, and wanted to back peddle. Asked to be friends.

 

Impossible, I said. Besides, why would he want to be friends with someone who's "drama" and "causes unnecessary stress"? Huh? Nah, the "friends" crap is just lip-service so he doesn't feel like a bad guy. Again, that interpretation upset him. "So what, you hate me now and are gonna shut me out? I guess I deserve that" was his response.

 

After the blow up, MM avoided work for several days. What a big baby! I was working with his BFF, who could see one day that I was visibly upset when he brought him up. BFF broke bro code and shared with me the advice he's given MM (to leave his dead marriage, the way he did), the issues he has with MM (the biggest being, "He doesn't own his sh*t, it's always someone else's fault"). He reminded me that MM's W is the only woman he's ever been with (except me), and that we're world's apart in terms of life and relationship experience, and what BFF and I think is normal/healthy in relationships is a foreign concept to MM because he doesn't know any different, both in his own relationship and the one he observed in his parents. And while BFF and I have experienced enough and experienced enough loss and overcame that loss to know that we are resilient and will be okay if we have to move on from a relationship that's not working for us (like MM's dead marriage), that's not MM's makeup - he's much too afraid. He also suggested that the things MM said/did to upset me, which resulted in our conversations, were MM's cowardly way of picking fight so that everything would explode and it would end... which is precisely what I expected.

 

I understand MM's circumstances, why he is the way he is, feels the way he feels, and will never make any changes in his home life. It's a very common pattern. He loves his W like family, but he's in a dead marriage. But he cannot leave it, because the marriage to his W carries with it his entire world - finances, children, home, extended social circle. That doesn't mean I agree with it, just that I understand. And what I understand is this: MM is weak. I am strong.

 

So you know who this really isn't working for? Me, g-d d***it! ME!

 

We'll always have to be in LC given our careers and the inextricable link between them. Hopefully, we'll be able to avoid any palpable awkwardness in front of others. The dynamic of our workplace is one that involves a lot of playful ribbing and teasing, and my fear is that the jokes will hit personal buttons... that I'll be a b*tch and make it obvious that I'm upset about something between us.

 

But I'm stepping off the rollercoaster and I'm walking out of the amusement park.

[Lurkeraspect]

I really thought you were done before he pulled his crap and lured you back in. Oh well, bygones.

 

It must be soul crushing, but I'm so glad you are seeing things clearly (again) and when he calls again (and he likely will) you can read what you've just posted and tell him to go f himself.

 

Good for you Roseville.

[RoseVille]

I really thought you were done before he pulled his crap and lured you back in. Oh well, bygones.

 

He didn't lure. I went back voluntarily. Then he started being squirrely again, and I thought, "Oh, here we go again!"

 

I'm just tired of the ups and downs.

 

It must be soul crushing...

 

It's the exact opposite, actually. It's quite empowering.

 

but I'm so glad you are seeing things clearly (again) and when he calls again (and he likely will) you can read what you've just posted and tell him to go f himself.

 

Good for you Roseville.

 

Thanks.

[Emma Peel]

My MM: the selfish, conflict-avoidant, path-of-least-resistance coward!

 

God, aren't they all?

 

Mine would ignore me for days if there was any type of conflict. I thought it killed my feelings in the end but since he's blocked me I realize I still have a long way to go.

 

Good for you for finally reaching some peace....

[Popsicle]

Are you going to be "friends"?

 

.... because FYI, you can't be.

[Popsicle]

God, aren't they all?

 

By default, any person in a committed R who is having an outside A is conflict-avoidant.

[RoseVille]

God, aren't they all?

 

Mine would ignore me for days if there was any type of conflict.

 

I'm starting to think it's a necessary quality of a MM - conflict avoidance. If they could handle conflict, they'd take the steps necessary to actually do the hard work to improve their M, or if truly intolerable, leave it.

 

But no, they're cowards and avoid conflict, so they just look for an easy solution - the affair. That's actually the easier path for them to take.

 

Conflict is a necessary part of life and human interaction. It's impossible to not have it, sometimes. What matters is how you handle it. And obviously they're not handling it at well with their W, so they sure can't handle it with two women.

[RoseVille]

Are you going to be "friends"?

 

.... because FYI, you can't be.

 

I can't be. I don't see how it's even possible. Especially after he made it out to be like it's my fault he can't handle the A.

 

He balked at that. "Haven't you been friends with someone you've been involved with before?" Well, yes... I have. But under much different circumstances! And he asks this as though he has any personal experience with something similar! He doesn't!

[Lurkeraspect]

Are you going to be "friends"?

 

.... because FYI, you can't be.

 

This may sound like a simple, flippant answer, but she's 100% spot on.

[Popsicle]

I can't be. I don't see how it's even possible. Especially after he made it out to be like it's my fault he can't handle the A.

 

He balked at that. "Haven't you been friends with someone you've been involved with before?" Well, yes... I have. But under much different circumstances! And he asks this as though he has any personal experience with something similar! He doesn't!

 

Yeah, mine wanted to be 'friends' too. I refuse. It's just a way for him to hold on and try to creep back in when he's wanting to, but the fundamentals never change, so it's not worth it. I'm glad we were never friends before the A, like so many other people in A's are.

 

I see it as a big challenge for you that you work together.

[Lurkeraspect]

Yeah, mine wanted to be 'friends' too. I refuse. It's just a way for him to hold on and try to creep back in when he's wanting to, but the fundamentals never change, so it's not worth it. I'm glad we were never friends before the A, like so many other people in A's are.

 

I see it as a big challenge for you that you work together.

 

I've loved watching your growth, pop.

[Sassy Girl]

Congrats on seeing him for what he is.

 

He sounds like a bit of an emotional vampire.

 

Good luck moving forward Rose. One step at a time.

[Popsicle]

I've loved watching your growth, pop.

 

Thanks!

[MuddyFootprints]

I'm here to cheer you on!

[whichwayisup]

MM and I were getting closer and closer, our time together becoming more and more "normal relationship" feeling. A lot of bonding, sharing, with some almost boring/mundane life activities shared together.

 

Over the course of last week or so, MM said something crass (unlike him), then something mildly hurtful (insulting something I'm proud of), then a series of things I found hurtful (about the nature of our relationship). Details aren't necessary, just trust me that you'd all agree that I was justified in being upset. I had several "WTF?" moments. Granted, they were via text, but there was no mistaking the substance. These comments he made resulted in a conversation wherein he ultimately described our relationship as "laying a guilt trip on him" and "causing unnecessary stress" and "drama" and "not working for him anymore." He also said that our A had filled a void for him - that void being "good times [aka sex] and connection without any of the drama associated with a long-term relationship" - and that he no longer felt that our A was working for him anymore.

 

It's like he was purposely being an assclown to piss you off so you will end it. He doesn't have the balls to do it himself.

 

My usual line I've been giving lately to many - Tell him to shove it up his ass!!

 

 

 

 

(After the one time I cried my eyes out one night and reached peace by the next morning, I handled this like a champ. I don't think I had any real hurt left, if that make sense. Although I still have misty moments, I literally feel like I'm all cried out. I'd almost expected this to happen because I was less invested in maintaining the status quo, no longer walking on eggshells, speaking my mind... and I knew what the effect would be.)

 

He's not worth crying over, though I know those tears have to happen because he has hurt you deeply.

My interpretation of his comments last week is this:

 

In short, he saw our relationship as becoming "like a normal relationship" (because it was), (gasp!) I had actual feelings (because I'm human!) and held him responsible when he did/said d*ck things (because although I got myself into this situation because I was fine with the circumstances, I defend myself when wronged, full stop), and quite simply, he didn't like any of it. This made him retreat, as any uncomfortable/unfamiliar feeling makes him do, because our A is supposed to be easy peasy and not cause him any awkwardness or grief. I was just supposed to be an easy hook up with good conversations and laughs and none of the trappings of a real relationship - that is, without any conflict, no matter how minor.

 

Like he wanted you to be the good little OW on the side, see him whenever he has time for you, on his terms and don't make life difficult for him as he has a wife at home and doesn't need his OW (aka you) to cause him any strife. You are there to please him and make him happy, no problems, no 'talks and discussions', just fun times and getting to know each other in a honeymoon phase.

 

(MM cannot handle conflict of any kind. It's almost comical. I don't enjoy it or seek it out, but I do not shy away from it - I prefer to address it, see it as room for growth and understanding between people.)

 

Hence his affair with you. He can't deal with his issues at home so he deals with it by having an A.

 

He of course at first got very defensive and tried to throw some stuff back in my face (honestly reminded me of fights I had with SOs in my early 20s when we were immature, "Oh yeah? Well you [insert whatever stupid thing]..."), and took umbrage with my interpretation, but I stood my ground about how f**ked up he was being. He was rambling and throwing things in the kitchen sink, ya know?

 

This is when he starts blaming you for everything and he is the victim. Poor him, a grown adult who can't communicate or speak up honestly, yet when you do, he freaks out and can't handle it. Truth hurts sometimes! He needs to grow up and grow a pair.

 

Then all of a sudden, he pulled a 180 and responded to me in a way that sounded like a speech written by a marriage counselor. He apologized profusely, acknowledging (rightfully) that he's the one who's f*cked up, acknowledging for the n'th time that he's conflict avoidant, takes the path of least resistance, is a coward, that he's projecting his issues and annoyances with his M onto me/us and what we have. He said he's struggling with the guilt towards both his MM and me, and hasn't figured out a way to lead a double life in a way that he can reconcile all his feelings. He repeated how much he was sorry he hurt me, how important I am to him and how much he values me and our friendship. That this entire thing falling apart is all his fault.

Realization! He pushed you too far and now is doing damage control. He is very manipulative. Selfishly and at times (when he's mean to you, malciously too)...

 

Bottom line is, this guy wants both you and his wife. He's so used to having two women fulfill all his needs. He won't end his marriage and he won't end the A with you. Why should he, he's happy as things are.

 

Looking back at the whole thing, he couldn't end our A on his own accord, basically. He did the whole "be a supreme d*ck so she breaks it off" cowardly move. And it worked. And then he freaked, and wanted to back peddle. Asked to be friends.

 

Impossible, I said. Besides, why would he want to be friends with someone who's "drama" and "causes unnecessary stress"? Huh? Nah, the "friends" crap is just lip-service so he doesn't feel like a bad guy. Again, that interpretation upset him. "So what, you hate me now and are gonna shut me out? I guess I deserve that" was his response.

 

After the blow up, MM avoided work for several days. What a big baby! I was working with his BFF, who could see one day that I was visibly upset when he brought him up. BFF broke bro code and shared with me the advice he's given MM (to leave his dead marriage, the way he did), the issues he has with MM (the biggest being, "He doesn't own his sh*t, it's always someone else's fault"). He reminded me that MM's W is the only woman he's ever been with (except me), and that we're world's apart in terms of life and relationship experience, and what BFF and I think is normal/healthy in relationships is a foreign concept to MM because he doesn't know any different, both in his own relationship and the one he observed in his parents. And while BFF and I have experienced enough and experienced enough loss and overcame that loss to know that we are resilient and will be okay if we have to move on from a relationship that's not working for us (like MM's dead marriage), that's not MM's makeup - he's much too afraid. He also suggested that the things MM said/did to upset me, which resulted in our conversations, were MM's cowardly way of picking fight so that everything would explode and it would end... which is precisely what I expected.

 

I understand MM's circumstances, why he is the way he is, feels the way he feels, and will never make any changes in his home life. It's a very common pattern. He loves his W like family, but he's in a dead marriage. But he cannot leave it, because the marriage to his W carries with it his entire world - finances, children, home, extended social circle. That doesn't mean I agree with it, just that I understand. And what I understand is this: MM is weak. I am strong.

 

So you know who this really isn't working for? Me, g-d d***it! ME!

 

We'll always have to be in LC given our careers and the inextricable link between them. Hopefully, we'll be able to avoid any palpable awkwardness in front of others. The dynamic of our workplace is one that involves a lot of playful ribbing and teasing, and my fear is that the jokes will hit personal buttons... that I'll be a b*tch and make it obvious that I'm upset about something between us.

 

But I'm stepping off the rollercoaster and I'm walking out of the amusement park.

 

Just end it. He's full of sh.it, drama and is addicted to it all, he enjoys this dynamic way too much. You deserve better!

 

Even if it kills you inside, never show ANY kind of emotion around him while at work. fake it , fake it, fake it until it just happens.

[jwi71]

I was reading and catching up in sweets thread and was thinking "I hope Rose posts an update even though she said she wouldnt" - - especially after the advice you were giving.

 

And wallah. Next thread I see is the aforementioned update.

 

Now, you may not like what I say but it is aimed at helping you. And sometimes help isnt what we want to hear. D_mn, another post where I warn the reader of impending doom....not the way to elicit reading methinks.

 

Anyways....

 

MM and I were getting closer and closer, our time together becoming more and more "normal relationship" feeling. A lot of bonding, sharing, with some almost boring/mundane life activities shared together.

 

You've seen this before.

You made an incredibly brave choice an opened up to him. Didnt end too well and was foreshadowing of things to come.

 

Its a pattern. (and cliche). I hope you have read, thought and paid attention to him (you do as you say below) - he is a cookie cutter. MM, by and large, conform to certain personality traits.

 

Over the course of last week or so, MM said something crass (unlike him), then something mildly hurtful (insulting something I'm proud of), then a series of things I found hurtful (about the nature of our relationship). Details aren't necessary, just trust me that you'd all agree that I was justified in being upset. I had several "WTF?" moments. Granted, they were via text, but there was no mistaking the substance. These comments he made resulted in a conversation wherein he ultimately described our relationship as "laying a guilt trip on him" and "causing unnecessary stress" and "drama" and "not working for him anymore." He also said that our A had filled a void for him - that void being "good times [aka sex] and connection without any of the drama associated with a long-term relationship" - and that he no longer felt that our A was working for him anymore.

 

Something is stressing him and he is panicking a bit. Need to push one stressor away so I can breathe and deal with the others. We have seen this before.

 

 

(After the one time I cried my eyes out one night and reached peace by the next morning, I handled this like a champ. I don't think I had any real hurt left, if that make sense. Although I still have misty moments, I literally feel like I'm all cried out. I'd almost expected this to happen because I was less invested in maintaining the status quo, no longer walking on eggshells, speaking my mind... and I knew what the effect would be.)

 

Walking on eggshells in the context of an R is abuse. Its emotional abuse - and it leaves you fearful of what comes next - like walking on eggshells. Love does not lead anyone to walk on eggshells. Ever. IF you ever feel this its a warning sign. Pay attention to it.

 

In short, he saw our relationship as becoming "like a normal relationship" (because it was), (gasp!) I had actual feelings (because I'm human!) and held him responsible when he did/said d*ck things (because although I got myself into this situation because I was fine with the circumstances, I defend myself when wronged, full stop), and quite simply, he didn't like any of it. This made him retreat, as any uncomfortable/unfamiliar feeling makes him do, because our A is supposed to be easy peasy and not cause him any awkwardness or grief. I was just supposed to be an easy hook up with good conversations and laughs and none of the trappings of a real relationship - that is, without any conflict, no matter how minor.

 

I read it as you were becoming like the W and the M he was attempting to escape from. And what the h_ll good is it to try and escape from one thing only to get the exact same thing again. He too said escape. Remember?

 

(MM cannot handle conflict of any kind. It's almost comical. I don't enjoy it or seek it out, but I do not shy away from it - I prefer to address it, see it as room for growth and understanding between people.)

 

He of course at first got very defensive and tried to throw some stuff back in my face (honestly reminded me of fights I had with SOs in my early 20s when we were immature, "Oh yeah? Well you [insert whatever stupid thing]..."), and took umbrage with my interpretation, but I stood my ground about how f**ked up he was being. He was rambling and throwing things in the kitchen sink, ya know?

 

Also know he is foreshadowing how he WILL treat you should you two ever be a "real couple". This isnt "fair fighting". Its immature. Its emotionally stunted and solves nothing. As you know since you lived it.

 

 

Then all of a sudden, he pulled a 180 and responded to me in a way that sounded like a speech written by a marriage counselor. He apologized profusely, acknowledging (rightfully) that he's the one who's f*cked up, acknowledging for the n'th time that he's conflict avoidant, takes the path of least resistance, is a coward, that he's projecting his issues and annoyances with his M onto me/us and what we have. He said he's struggling with the guilt towards both his MM and me, and hasn't figured out a way to lead a double life in a way that he can reconcile all his feelings. He repeated how much he was sorry he hurt me, how important I am to him and how much he values me and our friendship. That this entire thing falling apart is all his fault.

 

Oh crap did I throw away my escape? Did I push too hard? Oh no must reel back in. On a woman less intellignet and less aware and less..."tough" this may have worked. You strike me as none of those. this can also be an effective MM tactic to VULNERABLE woman who are also intellignet and strong...but, well, due to circumstance, vulnerable and feeling down. IT can be, and I feel typically is, predatory. Maybe not here with you Rose...but keep reading and you'll see it.

 

This guy is textbook MM to date.

 

Looking back at the whole thing, he couldn't end our A on his own accord, basically. He did the whole "be a supreme d*ck so she breaks it off" cowardly move. And it worked. And then he freaked, and wanted to back peddle. Asked to be friends.

 

Impossible, I said. Besides, why would he want to be friends with someone who's "drama" and "causes unnecessary stress"? Huh? Nah, the "friends" crap is just lip-service so he doesn't feel like a bad guy. Again, that interpretation upset him. "So what, you hate me now and are gonna shut me out? I guess I deserve that" was his response.

 

I absolutely love this. Just look at him attempt to twist and turn and manipulate this.

 

After the blow up, MM avoided work for several days. What a big baby! I was working with his BFF, who could see one day that I was visibly upset when he brought him up. BFF broke bro code and shared with me the advice he's given MM (to leave his dead marriage, the way he did), the issues he has with MM (the biggest being, "He doesn't own his sh*t, it's always someone else's fault"). He reminded me that MM's W is the only woman he's ever been with (except me), and that we're world's apart in terms of life and relationship experience, and what BFF and I think is normal/healthy in relationships is a foreign concept to MM because he doesn't know any different, both in his own relationship and the one he observed in his parents. And while BFF and I have experienced enough and experienced enough loss and overcame that loss to know that we are resilient and will be okay if we have to move on from a relationship that's not working for us (like MM's dead marriage), that's not MM's makeup - he's much too afraid. He also suggested that the things MM said/did to upset me, which resulted in our conversations, were MM's cowardly way of picking fight so that everything would explode and it would end... which is precisely what I expected.

 

Point to remember...or keep in mind...MM BFF is his BFF and not yours. You know the drill.

 

I understand MM's circumstances, why he is the way he is, feels the way he feels, and will never make any changes in his home life. It's a very common pattern. He loves his W like family, but he's in a dead marriage. But he cannot leave it, because the marriage to his W carries with it his entire world - finances, children, home, extended social circle. That doesn't mean I agree with it, just that I understand. And what I understand is this: MM is weak. I am strong.

 

So you know who this really isn't working for? Me, g-d d***it! ME!

 

We'll always have to be in LC given our careers and the inextricable link between them. Hopefully, we'll be able to avoid any palpable awkwardness in front of others. The dynamic of our workplace is one that involves a lot of playful ribbing and teasing, and my fear is that the jokes will hit personal buttons... that I'll be a b*tch and make it obvious that I'm upset about something between us.

 

But I'm stepping off the rollercoaster and I'm walking out of the amusement park.

 

Well, to be blunt, I think you have said this before. What makes you sure it will stick this time?

 

I hope you do walk. Its dead end and fraught with peril. Nor can he deliver what you want. His choice.

 

He has shown you and continues to show you who he is. Believe him.

 

(you do, just try to not forget it when he pulls again...and he WILL...why? well, blowjobs )

[IfWishesWereHorses]

[Gasp] it's all about him!!! Not surprising for a cheater. It's always been about him and his needs... Whatever they may be at that moment. That's the song and dance of a MM... And it's all good... Until it isn't!

[sandylee1]

Sometimes , despite whatever people tell you, you finally see the situation for what it is all by yourself.

 

I have to say I'm really impressed and amazed at your recent posts , it's like your a whole new person . I've had to read again to be sure it was actually you speaking/writing with such wisdom.

 

You've done so well Rose . I really mean this genuinely. I know a total stranger online saying this probably doesn't mean anything to you, but I wanted to say it anyway.?

[m4p]

Can't agree more with what everyone has said here, and I would also like to say just how proud I am of you!

 

It seems that seeing an MM for who they really are- helps bring us to our senses.

 

"selfish, conflict-avoidant, path-of-least-resistance coward" is the PERFECT description of a cookie cutter MM that most of us encounter.

 

What of an OW then? Lol... I do know that people who lives in glass houses should not throw stones, but at least I identified my own issues and will learn to work on it after the devastating effects of an A. I hope you can hang in there with the current mindset and come out of this stronger, empowered and more beautiful than before!

[Sub]

Not trying to be funny, but: the BFF sounds like he's got his head on straight. And you seem to have some things in common. Sooooo, what's the BFF's situation?

[elaine567]

Well done Rose!

 

Seems weird to me that someone who is conflict avoidant, should embark on one of the most stress ridden, potentially conflict laden experiences possible, ie an affair.

I am not arguing with the "diagnosis", but it seems counterproductive.

I suppose this explains it.

->

I was just supposed to be an easy hook up with good conversations and laughs and none of the trappings of a real relationship - that is, without any conflict, no matter how minor.

A fantasy relationship, a Disney experience where the clouds are always fluffy and white, and the sun is forever shining.

[the_artist_1970]

I'm starting to think it's a necessary quality of a MM - conflict avoidance. If they could handle conflict, they'd take the steps necessary to actually do the hard work to improve their M, or if truly intolerable, leave it.

 

But no, they're cowards and avoid conflict, so they just look for an easy solution - the affair. That's actually the easier path for them to take.

 

Conflict is a necessary part of life and human interaction. It's impossible to not have it, sometimes. What matters is how you handle it. And obviously they're not handling it at well with their W, so they sure can't handle it with two women.

 

And ppl who mess around with MM/MW are afraid of real commitment and are afraid to be in a whole relationship. Both sides the cheating MM/MW and the person willing to be a third wheel in a marriage have serious issues. A person who settles for sharing their man/woman doesn't have what it takes to be fully present in a monogamous relationship.

[LovelyBrown]

MM and I were getting closer and closer, our time together becoming more and more "normal relationship" feeling. A lot of bonding, sharing, with some almost boring/mundane life activities shared together.

 

Over the course of last week or so, MM said something crass (unlike him), then something mildly hurtful (insulting something I'm proud of), then a series of things I found hurtful (about the nature of our relationship). Details aren't necessary, just trust me that you'd all agree that I was justified in being upset. I had several "WTF?" moments. Granted, they were via text, but there was no mistaking the substance. These comments he made resulted in a conversation wherein he ultimately described our relationship as "laying a guilt trip on him" and "causing unnecessary stress" and "drama" and "not working for him anymore." He also said that our A had filled a void for him - that void being "good times [aka sex] and connection without any of the drama associated with a long-term relationship" - and that he no longer felt that our A was working for him anymore.

 

Ha. Haha. Hahahahaha!

 

(After the one time I cried my eyes out one night and reached peace by the next morning, I handled this like a champ. I don't think I had any real hurt left, if that make sense. Although I still have misty moments, I literally feel like I'm all cried out. I'd almost expected this to happen because I was less invested in maintaining the status quo, no longer walking on eggshells, speaking my mind... and I knew what the effect would be.)

 

My interpretation of his comments last week is this:

 

In short, he saw our relationship as becoming "like a normal relationship" (because it was), (gasp!) I had actual feelings (because I'm human!) and held him responsible when he did/said d*ck things (because although I got myself into this situation because I was fine with the circumstances, I defend myself when wronged, full stop), and quite simply, he didn't like any of it. This made him retreat, as any uncomfortable/unfamiliar feeling makes him do, because our A is supposed to be easy peasy and not cause him any awkwardness or grief. I was just supposed to be an easy hook up with good conversations and laughs and none of the trappings of a real relationship - that is, without any conflict, no matter how minor.

 

(MM cannot handle conflict of any kind. It's almost comical. I don't enjoy it or seek it out, but I do not shy away from it - I prefer to address it, see it as room for growth and understanding between people.)

 

He of course at first got very defensive and tried to throw some stuff back in my face (honestly reminded me of fights I had with SOs in my early 20s when we were immature, "Oh yeah? Well you [insert whatever stupid thing]..."), and took umbrage with my interpretation, but I stood my ground about how f**ked up he was being. He was rambling and throwing things in the kitchen sink, ya know?

 

Then all of a sudden, he pulled a 180 and responded to me in a way that sounded like a speech written by a marriage counselor. He apologized profusely, acknowledging (rightfully) that he's the one who's f*cked up, acknowledging for the n'th time that he's conflict avoidant, takes the path of least resistance, is a coward, that he's projecting his issues and annoyances with his M onto me/us and what we have. He said he's struggling with the guilt towards both his MM and me, and hasn't figured out a way to lead a double life in a way that he can reconcile all his feelings. He repeated how much he was sorry he hurt me, how important I am to him and how much he values me and our friendship. That this entire thing falling apart is all his fault.

 

Looking back at the whole thing, he couldn't end our A on his own accord, basically. He did the whole "be a supreme d*ck so she breaks it off" cowardly move. And it worked. And then he freaked, and wanted to back peddle. Asked to be friends.

 

Impossible, I said. Besides, why would he want to be friends with someone who's "drama" and "causes unnecessary stress"? Huh? Nah, the "friends" crap is just lip-service so he doesn't feel like a bad guy. Again, that interpretation upset him. "So what, you hate me now and are gonna shut me out? I guess I deserve that" was his response.

 

After the blow up, MM avoided work for several days. What a big baby! I was working with his BFF, who could see one day that I was visibly upset when he brought him up. BFF broke bro code and shared with me the advice he's given MM (to leave his dead marriage, the way he did), the issues he has with MM (the biggest being, "He doesn't own his sh*t, it's always someone else's fault"). He reminded me that MM's W is the only woman he's ever been with (except me), and that we're world's apart in terms of life and relationship experience, and what BFF and I think is normal/healthy in relationships is a foreign concept to MM because he doesn't know any different, both in his own relationship and the one he observed in his parents. And while BFF and I have experienced enough and experienced enough loss and overcame that loss to know that we are resilient and will be okay if we have to move on from a relationship that's not working for us (like MM's dead marriage), that's not MM's makeup - he's much too afraid. He also suggested that the things MM said/did to upset me, which resulted in our conversations, were MM's cowardly way of picking fight so that everything would explode and it would end... which is precisely what I expected.

 

I understand MM's circumstances, why he is the way he is, feels the way he feels, and will never make any changes in his home life. It's a very common pattern. He loves his W like family, but he's in a dead marriage. But he cannot leave it, because the marriage to his W carries with it his entire world - finances, children, home, extended social circle. That doesn't mean I agree with it, just that I understand. And what I understand is this: MM is weak. I am strong.

 

So you know who this really isn't working for? Me, g-d d***it! ME!

 

We'll always have to be in LC given our careers and the inextricable link between them. Hopefully, we'll be able to avoid any palpable awkwardness in front of others. The dynamic of our workplace is one that involves a lot of playful ribbing and teasing, and my fear is that the jokes will hit personal buttons... that I'll be a b*tch and make it obvious that I'm upset about something between us.

 

But I'm stepping off the rollercoaster and I'm walking out of the amusement park.

 

Rose, I know you and I don't see eye to eye on some things! But I LOVE the way you write! It always speak to me, thanks for sharing your story. Best of luck with your next phase.

[RoseVille]

Not trying to be funny, but: the BFF sounds like he's got his head on straight. And you seem to have some things in common. Sooooo, what's the BFF's situation?

 

He's married. He cheated on his first W, and left the marriage, and got re-married. I don't know if his current W is his OW, but his second marriage came shortly after the first D was finalized.

[RoseVille]

A person who settles for sharing their man/woman doesn't have what it takes to be fully present in a monogamous relationship.

 

I don't really agree.

 

And let's not make this thread an attack on OW's. I'm begging you.