My MM: the selfish, conflict-avoidant, path-of-least-resistance coward!

[RoseVille]

Immature

Manipulative

Broken

 

That's a great trifecta!

 

Broken kinda sums up every quality...

[Hope Shimmers]

Why do you continue to obsess about him? Why not let it go and let it die?

 

What's wrong with her venting on here? That's what this forum is for.

 

It amazes me that people think emotions are like some kind of light switch.

[Southern Sun]

I've got another - perpetual victim! Their problems are everyone else's fault

[minimariah]

Rose, you're ANGRY.

 

and that is a really, REALLY good news.

[gettingstronger]

OK- so I re-read some of your threads and then re-read his and his BFFs explanation of his life and I have to say, the common theme here is him- he is unrealistic- his actions do not align with what he claims to want-

 

He is unhappy in his marriage and now he is unhappy with you- he wants a stress free marriage, and a stress free relationship with you- his expectations of both you and his wife are not realistic-at all-

 

Why open up to you and get close with you if all he wanted was a stress free, drama free relationship- with closeness comes emotions both good and bad-

 

Why stay married if he is not happy- marriage comes with stress and hard work-

 

Seems like he wants a combo therapist/escort-and we all know how common those are-

 

Stay the course- heal and make yourself available to someone that is willing to have a real relationship-with ups and downs and everything in between-

 

Good luck-

[Grapesofwrath]

Opportunist

And whatever is the opposite of having integrity. Is that broken?

 

Rosie: I hope today you woke up feeling balanced. You are making a ton of progress. Proud of you. I admire the way you advocate for yourself on this board, and in your A. I admire you for refusing to be put in a box and made to abide by someone else's emotional rules.

 

Isn't there a book or a movie called the Island of Misfit Toys? I think of that title sometimes when I think about how the OW is oftentimes just a toy. A pretty, fun, cuddly toy that gets played with and then put on a shelf when playtime is over. The MM might love his toy, sure, but she's still just a toy. He uses the toy for distraction, fun, pleasure, and escape. Maybe this is an overly simplistic analogy, but it feels like that's where you are right now. And you got rightfully fed up with being treated like a toy. You are not a toy, not his or anyone's. And you don't get put on a shelf.

[MissBee]

I'm happy for you Rose, and there isn't much else to add.

 

The only thing I will add, is that while MM is definitely selfish, a coward, conflict-avoidant and all the rest and it helps to be angry so you can move on, I do think there is truth in the idea that most of us get into the A situation for reasons that aren't the best either. Sometimes we know it and sometimes we don't. But it's rarely a case, except when MM has totally lied and pretended to be single or separated, that if we know he is married and never leaving and we still proceed that we're innocent and emotionally healthy and they are the sole ones with a problem.

 

For me, part of healing wasn't just blaming him and saying how awful he was. I acknowledged his awful ways more than enough, but later I also examined my own motivations, thought processes and why I even got into that situation. This isn't even just in As, but in other relationships as well. I find that we pick people who are a match for our own issues and usually when we choose unavailable people we are also unavailable in many ways ourselves, it just might look different, but part of it still boils down to choosing a situation that is self-sabotaging. I found that turning that focus on me was the most useful part of the healing journey as it allowed me to understand MYSELF, as breaking it off with the MM still leaves you with you, and we have to do the work to understand how and why we even got there and how to move forward.

 

Best of luck to you as you move forward!

[RoseVille]

I'm happy for you Rose, and there isn't much else to add.

 

The only thing I will add, is that while MM is definitely selfish, a coward, conflict-avoidant and all the rest and it helps to be angry so you can move on, I do think there is truth in the idea that most of us get into the A situation for reasons that aren't the best either. Sometimes we know it and sometimes we don't. But it's rarely a case, except when MM has totally lied and pretended to be single or separated, that if we know he is married and never leaving and we still proceed that we're innocent and emotionally healthy and they are the sole ones with a problem.

 

For me, part of healing wasn't just blaming him and saying how awful he was. I acknowledged his awful ways more than enough, but later I also examined my own motivations, thought processes and why I even got into that situation. This isn't even just in As, but in other relationships as well. I find that we pick people who are a match for our own issues and usually when we choose unavailable people we are also unavailable in many ways ourselves, it just might look different, but part of it still boils down to choosing a situation that is self-sabotaging. I found that turning that focus on me was the most useful part of the healing journey as it allowed me to understand MYSELF, as breaking it off with the MM still leaves you with you, and we have to do the work to understand how and why we even got there and how to move forward.

 

Best of luck to you as you move forward!

 

I have examined my motivations and am familiar with them. Not just in this relationship, but others before him. There are definitely patterns in my partner-selection, that have greatly improved over time. MM was a huge, embarrassing backslide.

[gettingstronger]

I have examined my motivations and am familiar with them. Not just in this relationship, but others before him. There are definitely patterns in my partner-selection, that have greatly improved over time. MM was a huge, embarrassing backslide.

 

 

 

Well, maybe you can tell him that "you sir, are a huge embarrassing backslide"- that should get the point across-

[lemondrop21]

 

Seems like he wants a combo therapist/escort-and we all know how common those are-

 

 

This is almost exactly one of the lines I wrote in my last letter to MM. He wanted me to be his therapist and his wh*re. Describes an EA/PA perfectly.