My MM: the selfish, conflict-avoidant, path-of-least-resistance coward!

[Southern Sun]

Ahh, Rose. It's just...typical. Predictable. Just hang on to the feeling you have, because it's easy to forget when they pretend things have changed.

[TaraMaiden2]

MM is weak. I am strong.

 

Could I just point something out which (in spite of all the threads from young ladies mourning the end of their relationships) I honestly believe to be absolutely undeniably true...?

 

When it comes to having, processing and dealing with powerful emotions - Women have always been, are and always will be, stronger than men.

 

I have had 6 - yes, only 6 - long-term partners in my life.

All back-to-back, so no time for 'in-between' casual relationships.

All hands-on, hard-and-fast long-term committed relationships.

 

And in every single one, I have always, but always, been the far more 'holding my sch1t together' protagonist.

Always.

 

My H is ex-army. He was in the Military Police. He was even acting Bodyguard for 2 members of the Royal Family.

He has a 1st-Class with Honours degree, in Law.

He isn't scared of anyone.

If anyone were to threaten fisticuffs, he would say "ok, let's go outside now, and settle this like gentlemen" and he has never been taken up on that offer.

Yet, emotionally, I knock spots off him.

Please know: I don't pick emotionally-weak men.

None of them have been in the slightest bit alike, temperamentally. They've all been completely different in character and personality.

But every time, I've been the strong anchor.

And I find this with other couples, too.

When the crap hits the fan, the menfolk can't be counted on to hold a steady course.

They can even fall to pieces.

As a person having been involved in relationships Counselling, this is something I have repeatedly seen. Time, and time again.

 

We bitches rock.

[RoseVille]

Could I just point something out which (in spite of all the threads from young ladies mourning the end of their relationships) I honestly believe to be absolutely undeniably true...?

 

When it comes to having, processing and dealing with powerful emotions - Women have always been, are and always will be, stronger than men.

 

I have had 6 - yes, only 6 - long-term partners in my life.

All back-to-back, so no time for 'in-between' casual relationships.

All hands-on, hard-and-fast long-term committed relationships.

 

And in every single one, I have always, but always, been the far more 'holding my sch1t together' protagonist.

Always.

 

My H is ex-army. He was in the Military Police. He was even acting Bodyguard for 2 members of the Royal Family.

He has a 1st-Class with Honours degree, in Law.

He isn't scared of anyone.

If anyone were to threaten fisticuffs, he would say "ok, let's go outside now, and settle this like gentlemen" and he has never been taken up on that offer.

Yet, emotionally, I knock spots off him.

Please know: I don't pick emotionally-weak men.

None of them have been in the slightest bit alike, temperamentally. They've all been completely different in character and personality.

But every time, I've been the strong anchor.

And I find this with other couples, too.

When the crap hits the fan, the menfolk can't be counted on to hold a steady course.

They can even fall to pieces.

As a person having been involved in relationships Counselling, this is something I have repeatedly seen. Time, and time again.

 

We bitches rock.

 

I've had two military boyfriends, both infantry Army, a paratrooper and a special forces, and I'd say the same thing about them, as well as all my other LTRs.

 

MM is of similar ilk in terms of "tough guy needs to keep his **** together in a crisis" profession.

 

But I'm a million times stronger than them, emotionally.

 

Maybe that's why men initiate wars... it's their weak coping mechanism.

[jen1447]

In my experience, men do tend to be pussies emotionally. (Can't tell you how many crying jags I've had to comfort from the safety of my lap.) Women have much bigger balls than men, ironically.

[TaraMaiden2]

yes, I think telling guys to grow a pair is actually a weird thing... they already have a pair, but are obviously defective in that department - and we have none at all, but they're twice as tough...

maybe we should tell them this....?

 

(Betty White never said it. Though it absolutely sounds like something she would....)

[RoseVille]

yes, I think telling guys to grow a pair is actually a weird thing... they already have a pair, but are obviously defective in that department - and we have none at all, but they're twice as tough...

maybe we should tell them this....?

 

(Betty White never said it. Though it absolutely sounds like something she would....)

 

Or balls remained internal and didn't drop and try to escape from our bodies.

[sandylee1]

When I read the bit about him saying you're causing stress and drama for him , that kind of fits into why he was in the affair to begin with I guess.

 

He says he doesn't get enough sex/the kind of sex he wants from his wife and you were able to fill that gap for him. Any demands or talk of feelings are more than he wants or can deal with. It begins to cause him stress and hassle.

 

For as long as it could have been no strings attached sex, minus emotion or declarations of deeper feelings it probably would have been just fine for him.

 

Men are terrible at breaking up. They just start withdrawing or being pigs , by breaking dates and not calling when they say they will. Those are the signs that they aren't interested any more. They know how to chase when they want to.

[elaine567]

They know how to chase when they want to.

 

Exactly, but women tend to make excuses for them - oh he is very busy - he hides his feelings - he has a lot on his mind - he is just not that demonstrative - he needs his space - he doesn't show it, but he loves me really...

[RoseVille]

When I read the bit about him saying you're causing stress and drama for him , that kind of fits into why he was in the affair to begin with I guess.

 

He says he doesn't get enough sex/the kind of sex he wants from his wife and you were able to fill that gap for him. Any demands or talk of feelings are more than he wants or can deal with. It begins to cause him stress and hassle.

 

For as long as it could have been no strings attached sex, minus emotion or declarations of deeper feelings it probably would have been just fine for him.

 

This dude literally threw his sunglasses on and ran out of a restaurant crying during a discussion we were having about the state of everything. And he's had a couple hyperventilating episodes (that BFF told me about as well). Granted, those emotions are about the state of his marriage, not really his feelings for me.

 

But yes, the "emotions" (his and mine, about many different things) make it too much of a hassle for him.

 

He cannot handle what he got himself into.

[TaraMaiden2]

Exactly, but women tend to make excuses for them - oh he is very busy - he hides his feelings - he has a lot on his mind - he is just not that demonstrative - he needs his space - he doesn't show it, but he loves me really...

 

Aren't those just the lies we tell ourselves to convince ourselves we're not the mad chumps we've actually demonstrated we are?

 

We fall for it time and time again, because we yearn to be loved the way we deserve - and we hope - pray - that this is the guy who will tick all - or most - of the boxes.

 

I mean, nobody's perfect, but we desperately want this guy to be less imperfect than the other dumb jerks who have fallen by the wayside.

 

Maybe we need a new Acronym.

 

...."As I tried in vain, to explain to my PD".....

 

(Perpetual Disappointment)

[Southern Sun]

Of course, there ARE good men out there. But I think - by and large - MM in affairs are, in general, cowards.

 

Those that face their problems head-on won't choose affairs as coping mechanisms; they won't choose a band-aid rather than making real change; and even if the previous doesn't apply, they're "happy" but want some on the side, is that really a guy we want anyway??

 

I know there are the rare few who get into affairs kind of backwards and then actually use it as a catalyst for change (leaving the spouse). But, as stated, it is RARE, and STILL not the best way to handle things.

 

So when we really think about it, why, pray-tell, would we EVER allow ourselves to get involved with a MM??

 

(And I know, of course, I can turn this same argument on myself as a MW! But I've ended my affair and won't be going back).

[RoseVille]

I thought I could compartmentalize and have it be just fun sex with a fun friend. That's why I got involved with my guy.

 

But just based on experiences from the past, I should have known that would be impossible.

[TaraMaiden2]

I thought I could compartmentalize and have it be just fun sex with a fun friend. That's why I got involved with my guy.

 

But just based on experiences from the past, I should have known that would be impossible.

 

That's what one of my friends (who's in an affair) thought she could do...

 

Now she's falling for him, he's trying to find a job closer to where she lives and he's professing undying love for her....

[Popsicle]

And ppl who mess around with MM/MW are afraid of real commitment and are afraid to be in a whole relationship. Both sides the cheating MM/MW and the person willing to be a third wheel in a marriage have serious issues. A person who settles for sharing their man/woman doesn't have what it takes to be fully present in a monogamous relationship.

 

Please. That's way too simplistic. I do believe SOME single people deliberately enter A's because they don't want a full R. Those people, especially the women, are usually honest about that. But most other AP's do want a full R. Your theory is only one possibility that explains the motives for only certain AP's.

[RoseVille]

Selfish

Careless

Cowardly

Conflict-avoidant

Egocentric

Self-serving

Emotionally weak

Spineless

Immoral

Fearful

Negative Nancy

Self-Inflicted "Drama" (Ha!)

Woah is Me

Sad

Ungrateful

Envious

Easy swayed

Never learn

Resist change

Resist growth!

Time waster

People pleaser

Passive aggressive

Defensive

Contemptuous

Stonewaller

Gaslighter

Critical

 

What else?

[TaraMaiden2]

Dishonest

evasive

Two-faced....

[RoseVille]

Dishonest

 

How did I ever miss that one!!

[i am gutted]

sorry to be dumb but what do you mean by cookie cutter?

[norudder]

Immature

Manipulative

Broken

[RoseVille]

sorry to be dumb but what do you mean by cookie cutter?

 

I think you're referring to jwi's comment?

 

Cookie-cutter in that my MM is a replica/copy-paste/duplicate of so many others. Also known as "textbook case."

[FusionCutter]

Why do you continue to obsess about him? Why not let it go and let it die?

[ladydesigner]

(((RoseVille))) It is time to take YOUR power back and focus on you! Are you NC with him right now?

[RoseVille]

Why do you continue to obsess about him? Why not let it go and let it die?

 

Continue to obsess? It hasn't even been 24 hours.

[RoseVille]

(((RoseVille))) It is time to take YOUR power back and focus on you! Are you NC with him right now?

 

Yup. Day 4 of NC.

 

LC will occur 3-4x a week for strictly work-related things, to the best of my ability.

[ladydesigner]

Yup. Day 4 of NC.

 

LC will occur 3-4x a week for strictly work-related things, to the best of my ability.

 

Good for you! Hang in there girl!