What do they have to offer?

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

To any guy posting on this thread (or lurking in this forum): If a woman offers to pay for the entire date or for her share of the date, DON'T doubt her offer - just ACCEPT her offer to pay. If she acts insulted or says something pissy, then you'll know that her offer was NOT genuine or intentional. Don't put a woman in a "damned if I do & damned if I don't" position by doubting her offer to pay - no matter WHO the woman is that you're in this situation with.

 

I can't speak for all women; but for me personally, when I offer to pay for the entire date or for my portion of it - I MEAN IT. I don't offer to pay as a 'test' to see if he'll accept it or not. In fact, if he doesn't accept my offer for me to pay for my portion of the date, it would make me feel VERY uncomfortable, and I probably wouldn't date him again. I don't want to ever date a guy who feels that he HAS to pay my way or who will never allow me to pay my own way. I want to have things equal and balanced. I can hold my own financially and don't need (or want) any guy paying my way for anything UNLESS he allows me to reciprocate. If he doesn't - he's nexted. If he wants to date a more 'traditional' woman, then he can; because I'm NOT the traditional type. In my case, when the overall aspect of a dating situation (or a relationship) is equal and balanced, then each of us is getting our fair share of what is expected and wanted. When this dynamic is unbalanced, then that's when problems and attitudes start to crop up.

 

To me, it's NOT fair when one person is doing most of the paying and is expending more money than the other person, even if the person paying WANTS to do it. It just feels like the person not paying is taking advantage of the other person's generous and giving nature when they intentionally allow the dating situation or relationship to be that unbalanced. It's 2015 now, and it's my opinion that guys shouldn't be shouldering all (or most) of the burden of paying for dates and buying things for her - even if they want to do it. Men want to (and like to) feel appreciated for their financial contribution by also being treated on dates and having things bought for them. I know some people on here won't agree with this, and that's okay; because it's only my opinion and not everyone needs to agree with it or understand it.

 

 

 

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[autumnnight]

I agree with you. Problem is, a lot of guys might be really into the woman he is out with, and he is trying to actually get with her, not have her turn him away because he wasn't willing to pay for her date.

 

In this case, he's being disingenuous too, and maybe he should set his sights beyond "getting with her".

 

This is basically saying, "I don't want to pay, but I'll do it if it'll up my chance for sex."

[Got it]

I do caution that a woman paying does not necessarily mean she is interested in anything further unless she says about paying for the next date, or something like that.

 

Just like men will pay with no intentions of contacting her again, I know that I will do the same. I want a clean slate so will pay if I am interested and if I am not interested.

 

Just a FYI.

 

And I don't think I have ever seriously dated any man who wasn't a feminist. I would not be interested in a man that does not believe in women's equality. That is just odd to me. Kind of more of a humanistic approach than anything else so thinking otherwise is just not a fit.

[compulsivedancer]

I always offer to pay on a first date. I definitely mean it, but since I have been pretty financially tight since I've been single, it's usually a relief if he pays anyhow. But this has nothing to do with me bring female, and much more to do with being broke.

 

I try to alternate, so if he pays the first one, I pay the next one. If I can't afford to pay, I try to cook for him. Often I'll provide a meal that I have most of the ingredients for, but ask him to bring a red pepper or something if I don't have it.

 

Some guys, however, strongly dislike letting the woman pay. This is very uncomfortable because I simultaneously don't want to offend by not accepting, but I feel like I'm taking advantage.

[autumnnight]

I always offer to pay on a first date. I definitely mean it, but since I have been pretty financially tight since I've been single, it's usually a relief if he pays anyhow. But this has nothing to do with me bring female, and much more to do with being broke.

 

I try to alternate, so if he pays the first one, I pay the next one. If I can't afford to pay, I try to cook for him. Often I'll provide a meal that I have most of the ingredients for, but ask him to bring a red pepper or something if I don't have it.

 

Some guys, however, strongly dislike letting the woman pay. This is very uncomfortable because I simultaneously don't want to offend by not accepting, but I feel like I'm taking advantage.

 

Isn't it sad sometimes how we all have to THINK and analyze so much nowadays....

[toolforgrowth]

Isn't it sad sometimes how we all have to THINK and analyze so much nowadays....

 

I think it's a great discussion to be having. I think it's awesome to see traditional gender roles be questioned, on both sides of the aisle. And I'm very grateful that a seeming majority of women in this thread are willing to share costs of dating and/or assume responsibility of themselves monetarily while going out. Progress is a wonderful thing.

[BlueIris]

In this case, he's being disingenuous too, and maybe he should set his sights beyond "getting with her".

 

This is basically saying, "I don't want to pay, but I'll do it if it'll up my chance for sex."

 

Yeah, I think that’s the elephant in the room.

 

In my experience, there are men of all ages and all economic classes who believe that money and wealth can and does buy respect, attention, and admiration. (And women too, who are perfect for the men who do.) It does buy that, from people who respect and admire wealth.

 

The men who believe that money is a huge issue in dating are MAKING money a huge issue in dating. It’s their money so they control it, so this is a choice. The “society makes me” or “women make me” arguments are deflections. Getting angry about it and blaming someone or something out there is really getting anger at themselves for the way they’re using money.

 

Back in the late 70’s when I was in college, I knew a guy who was a pot dealer. His dorm room was the party room and he was generous with the pot. LOTS of people hung out at his room. He was such a “popular” guy and lots of people knew him. Of course, he wondered which people were real friends and which were there only because of the pot. The solution is so obvious: Don’t be the pot dealer and don’t provide everybody with pot, ya doofus! And don't blame the potheads that you keep giving them pot.

[Rejected Rosebud]

I think it's a great discussion to be having. I think it's awesome to see traditional gender roles be questioned, on both sides of the aisle.

I agree with you!! But I wanted to point out that I think it would do you alot of good to recognize that not everybody even thinks in terms of "both sides of the aisle" when it comes to men and women!! You are encountering alot of people who are ALREADY all freed up from those kinds of constraints and we are all free to decide whether to pay for a date, to stick to more traditional roles at home or in work choices, or to blow them off 100 percent!!! I do get that you are not in this camp but I sincerely do think that it would be nice for your life if you could get that and especially if you have any kids which I think you do, they don't have to inherit this burden!! We are all free to choose and that is what we should do!! :bunny:

[MidwestUSA]

I know OP well enough, I hope, to believe he was taking about more than wallets when he used the phrase 'bring to the table'. Why does it always turn into a debate on who pays? He's deeper than that.

 

Besides, he's always offering me a dozen assorted craft beers. I'm working on things for you, Jay, I am.

[Keenly]

I'm.waiting for the conversation to switch to non monetary concerns.

 

I make enough to not really care that much about paying on dates. Hell, at this point I'd gladly shell out the money in exchange for the pleasant company.

[candie13]

I always pay in the "getting to know eachother" phase.

 

If the date is crappy, I make sure I pay.

 

To me, allowing a man to pay for me is a proof that I trust him and that I allow him in my private space. Like those monkey only allowing their partners to pick the lice in their fur .

[autumnnight]

I think it's a great discussion to be having. I think it's awesome to see traditional gender roles be questioned, on both sides of the aisle. And I'm very grateful that a seeming majority of women in this thread are willing to share costs of dating and/or assume responsibility of themselves monetarily while going out. Progress is a wonderful thing.

 

That was not what I meant at all.

 

I meant having to go through mental gymnastics over every move. Remember that Seinfeld episode dedicated to the "secret meaning" behind every potential gift that Jerry might give Elaine, and then he just ended up giving her cash?

 

This whole idea that I need to microscopically inspect every possible nuance of everything and that someone else is doing the same just makes me tired.

[Shining One]

I'll take the blame for steering this thread off course. It was not my intent. I merely wanted to point out a simple option other than sex for a woman to show her interest in me.

 

 

I've had several women use creative methods to show her interest early on. All of these were between the second and fourth dates:

• Invited me to her sister's house and taught me how to make authentic jerk from scratch. This was of course followed by some delicious jerk chicken.
  
• Painted me a beautiful picture from a photograph we took on our second date. We're not dating any more, but that picture is still hanging on my wall.
  
• Baked me fresh banana bread.
  
• Took care of a traffic ticket (she's an attorney).
  
• Got me a huge discount on a cruise I was planning (she's a travel agent).
  

[Keenly]

I'll take the blame for steering this thread off course. It was not my intent. I merely wanted to point out a simple option other than sex for a woman to show her interest in me.

 

 

I've had several women use creative methods to show her interest early on. All of these were between the second and fourth dates:

• Invited me to her sister's house and taught me how to make authentic jerk from scratch. This was of course followed by some delicious jerk chicken.
  
• Painted me a beautiful picture from a photograph we took on our second date. We're not dating any more, but that picture is still hanging on my wall.
  
• Baked me fresh banana bread.
  
• Took care of a traffic ticket (she's an attorney).
  
• Got me a huge discount on a cruise I was planning (she's a travel agent).
  

 

There you go. One girl just used that window paint to surprise me with a small heart at the bottom of my windshield, and that's really all it took to feel like the luckiest guy in the world.

 

It's really too bad that she ended up being full of Sh*t.

[xxoo]

I'll take the blame for steering this thread off course. It was not my intent. I merely wanted to point out a simple option other than sex for a woman to show her interest in me.

 

 

I've had several women use creative methods to show her interest early on. All of these were between the second and fourth dates:

• Invited me to her sister's house and taught me how to make authentic jerk from scratch. This was of course followed by some delicious jerk chicken.
  
• Painted me a beautiful picture from a photograph we took on our second date. We're not dating any more, but that picture is still hanging on my wall.
  
• Baked me fresh banana bread.
  
• Took care of a traffic ticket (she's an attorney).
  
• Got me a huge discount on a cruise I was planning (she's a travel agent).
  

 

Good examples.

 

Just seeking to spend time with you (no money involved) shows the most interest. Suggest a second date that costs nothing. If she's excited about it, she's interested. Relax!

[compulsivedancer]

Isn't it sad sometimes how we all have to THINK and analyze so much nowadays....

 

Not really. I had a great discussion about this with my now-boyfriend on our first date. I like that people are questioning the everyday actions and finding the right balances in their own relationships.

 

What I don't like is when I have to dance around this stuff with someone because I can't tell if s/he is being honest about his/her feelings on the matter.

 

Edited to add: I just read your reply above, autumn, and I think maybe this was what you were getting at.

Edited June 23, 2015 by compulsivedancer

[William]

After deleting a meta-discussion of 'who should pay' and other off-topic banter, I'll direct members to the topic:

 

I had an idea of what "women don't bring enough to the table" meant. What I was wondering was, what exactly would you like her to bring?

 

Some say "they have little to offer". What are you looking for and how do you know that person has little to offer before getting to know them?

 

Topical responses are welcomed. You may certainly discuss other topics in threads on those topics. For those of you who wish to discuss who should pay for dates, we have a thread for you, including a poll you can vote in. See here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/525895-new-consolidated-paying-dates-thread

 

Thanks in advance for your cooperation with this moderation directive.