Excuses

[Atticus9292012]

I'm really kicking myself today. I have a friendship with a guy I used to date. Back in December I quit talking to him for a couple of months. Basically we were drinking and he made a sexual advance and I got angry. At that time I just felt disrespected. He all but begged me to let him back into my life. We ended up making up in February and things have been strictly platonic.... He in a lot of ways has been a good friend. He helped me move. He has taken my dog to the vet with me multiple times. Made my son and I dinner when we were sick. My exhusband is a cop and got into a shooting a few months back and he stayed up with me talking it out into the wee hours. It was very emotional for me. My ex was really beat up and could have died. My friend and I are very close. We spend a lot of time together and talk a lot. We have a lot in common. He takes me out to dinner sometimes, but for the most part I just thought that it was not romantic. Especially because back in April I told him I had feelings for him. He basically wouldn't say he didn't feel that way, but insisted he didn't want to hurt our friendship so we shouldn't date. I was crushed. I stayed away for awhile and started going on dates with other guys. Lots of dates. When I felt like I could, I resumed the friendship. Well, friday night I don't even really know how it happened, but we had sex. It was like any other time we hang out except all the sudden he held my hand and cuddled up with me...I told him that I cared about him and he said he did too and then we started kissing and you get the idea....Well, after on friday night we fell asleep and woke up after a couple hours and had a long talk about things. He said he didn't want a relationship. He didn't want things to change and he didn't want me to expect anything from him. I was a little hurt. He said he wasn't ready for a relationship, which is bull****. He had a girlfriend earlier in the year. I brought that up and he said that I'm different than her. Im a woman and she is a girl.....whatever that means. He basically said he wasn't good enough for me. I have a law degree and a good job. He basically works odd construction jobs. He said I am the person he is the closest to and he is not ready for what a relationship with me would mean. He said he tells me things he doesn't tell anyone. He said "if we were together, you would just constantly be dissapointed in me."...he talked about if we were married....whoever said anything about getting married. I feel like he just made a bunch of excuses. If he cared about me, he'd commit. I tried to go back to sleep because he didn't want me to leave, but I couldn't stay there cuddling with him. I got dressed and left. He kissed me good bye. He called me and texted me yesterday and said "we needed to talk." Well, I spent the day with a friend who broke up with her boyfriend. I called him when I got home and he was busy and said he'd call me later....well not heard a word since. I am so hurt. Was he just horny and I happened to be there? I know I shouldn't have slept with him. I feel used.

[preraph]

Look, when a guy says he isn't good enough for you and would only disappoint you, you better believe it, not ignore it. He knows he can't hold up his end of a committed relationship and live a responsible life wherein he's able to contribute half not only monetarily but just as a person. He is picking young girls probably because his maturity level and his level he's at as far as wanting to be responsible is probably closer to their stage in life.

 

And honestly, he may also just want to hold out for a younger woman for other reasons as well and just not want the responsibility. He's been nice doing things for you, but there's something big holding him back. He says it's him. He could have some deep dark secret you don't know about, like addiction. He could just not want responsibility. He could need a girl who he can feel like the leader with instead of one who makes more money than he does. That bugs a whole lot of guys. They need the ego boost of a girl looking up to them in that way. I mean, I've known guys who specifically looked for girls driving old cars because that made them feel more confident. It's ridiculous, I know, but the male ego remains a solar system far, far away from being explored fully.

[jen1447]

I do think it sounds more like self esteem issues than him playing you or being an opportunist at your expense.

[Atticus9292012]

I guess I just go back to that "he's just not that into you philosophy." I just feel like if he really cared that much about me, he would get over it especially with how well we know each other. I'm not a girl he just met. He told me once I was one of few people he is fully himself with. I believe that because he's told me some very embarrassing personal things. I just don't know what to do now. I guess I just need to walk away and stay away from our mutual friends. I'm in love with him and he knows that. As much as I tried to get past it, its always been him. When he called me Saturday and told me "we needed to talk," part of me kind of got hopeful maybe he was coming around.....but if that were the case I doubt he would have flaked out on seeing me.

[Atticus9292012]

He does have some mental illness he takes medication for and its very embarrassing for him...but I've witnessed all of that. He has tarrets (sp?) and Ive seen him not on his meds and believe me if you don't know whats going on, its a little scary....but people function with mental illness all the time and I could see that if I didn't know him. I knew him probably a year before he opened up to me about that.

[Survivor12]

Tourette's is not a mental illness. It is a nervous system disorder. Considering the fact that you claim to be in love with this man, I am surprised that you haven't learned more about the condition.

[Atticus9292012]

Well I learned about it in a psychology class in college. Just because I mischaracterized it, doesn't mean I don't love him.

[preraph]

He does have some mental illness he takes medication for and its very embarrassing for him...but I've witnessed all of that. He has tarrets (sp?) and Ive seen him not on his meds and believe me if you don't know whats going on, its a little scary....but people function with mental illness all the time and I could see that if I didn't know him. I knew him probably a year before he opened up to me about that.

 

Tourrettes syndrome. That is no doubt what has eroded his self-confidence. Talk to him and find out if that is all there is to it. The sidecar to that is having that, he may feel he is limited in what employment he can do. Maybe he has trouble holding a job. So maybe he feels that would be a burden to you. But talk to him some more, because if that is all and you haven't been too bothered by it so far, as long as you have the commitment he will remain on meds, maybe it's worth a shot. He might need a whole lot of reassurance, and I do realize that isn't attractive, but at least he has a real physiological reason for being that way.

 

To fully understand it, you might ask him to give his treating physician for it permission to talk to you about his condition.

[Atticus9292012]

I do want to believe he is being sincere. Should I follow up with him about what he wanted to discuss Saturday and try to open the lines of communication? I guess I'm still feeling hurt and don't know what to do from here. I'm not sure if I can just resume the friendship as if nothing happened.