I feel like giving up

[Mystic81]

Hi everyone this is my first post here....bit of background information first. Been with my husband for 14 years married 11 and have 3 children under 6. We met when we were 19 and 21.

 

So as the title says I feel like giving up. I don't even know where to begin but at the moment things are not good at all. One of the biggest things is that I don't feel attracted to my husband anymore. In 5 weeks we have had sex 3 times. During that time I made all the plans to have a sexy overnight stay away from the children so we could really connect romantically(first time away from the children in 2 years). That didn't workout at all...it felt like I was hanging out with a friend and we didn't have sex...I know sex isn't everything in a marriage but we both have high sex drives and I know its causing tension.If he had things his way we would have sex every single day but I just don't feel that way I am actually really worried that one day I'll be attracted to someone else and something might happen.

 

The other things are that I am not sure if I have changed as a person and he has stayed the same. He doesn't have any interests outside of the house and has no friends. He prefers to do everything together and as a family except for work. I have said to him many times over the years that he needs to do something for himself and that it's healthy for our relationship so we have more to talk about. I am wanting to hang out with my girlfriends, exercise, start new hobbies....I want more than just being a mum and a wife and being at home 24/7. I've said to him also that he needs to start doing little things for himself as he needs to give himself some independence like chose his own clothing, learn to do online banking, do exercise? He is just not interested...I do pretty much everything for him.

 

He doesn't watch what he says and can be very nasty towards other people. I took a cute pic of him and the girls and he got angry and said he would smash my f'ing phone if I didn't delete the picture and the day before that he got very angry at my 6 year old for not helping with the 1.5 year old when she hurt herself and she was hysterical and scared for her life . I remember thinking that I will never have sex with him again. He gets annoyed even with his own family. If anyone comes between us and the kids he gets cranky. He has done this type of thing alot but only since we have been married. I've tried marriage counselling, self help books and discussions and I've threatened to leave...but things only change for a short while. I feel like I am constantly going around in circles trying to make things work....but now I've just had enough.

 

I am sorry if this has come across as venting but I am really not sure what to do. I look forward to hearing from you all. Thanks for reading.

Edited June 22, 2015 by Mystic81
added more information

[jen1447]

Hm, at first I thought it just sounded like routine-induced boredom, but the flash anger thing doesn't sound good to me. What have you threatened to leave over btw?

 

I dunno, it may be time to explore the separation options. Being disillusioned is probably reason enough, but being afraid and having little or no hope of real change sounds like the end of the road.

 

Are you financially independent?

[Mystic81]

I've threatened to leave and have a trial separation many times due to his anger issues. Because of them it makes me hard to be intimate and love him.

 

I am not financially independent unfortunately I am a stay at home mum to 3 children under 6. I can get government help if I decided to move out but would be very tough.

[jen1447]

Do you have family you can turn to?

 

It sounds like the anger issue is more serious than you even let on at first. If that's the case, yeah, you have every justification to go.

[StalwartMind]

Attraction works in such a unique way, that what causes people to block others out is either something incredibly simple or the reasons are multiple and complex. A lot of this does has to do with the personality type you and your partner are. Some of us keep developing our fondness and attraction of our mate, where others fade out over time, sometimes this happen really quickly. It's a toss whether you could ever rekindle with him again, but I do agree that perhaps there are other more important issues at hand here, which also are connected for any type of intimacy to unfold.

 

Tempers are equally varied, some exhibit a very controlled and composed manner whereas others explode instantly. Being a calm person myself, it's an instant loss of attraction and admiration to see someone behave like a barbaric fool. That doesn't mean that I don't understand that certain situations can make even the most civilized people explode, as it most certainly happens, which is perhaps also all the more shocking for others to witness. Overall though, if you are in a relationship and someone is frequently angry, then your daily day can quickly become a nightmare.

 

Being that you have no means to support yourself makes things even more difficult, and I do very much wonder too as mentioned, if you have some family or friends you can turn to. None of this is of course ideal, but sometimes we have to go through periods of our life that are less than optimal. It is important to understand that, no matter the advice you may be given here, or read elsewhere, may be difficult to apply to your own situation. Everyone's experience will vary even if many of the details are reminiscent of what you may encounter elsewhere.

 

Going around in circles happen when there is no active progress, everyone is more than likely familiar with this on some level. You have attempted things such as counseling and reading books, and while you experienced changes they were only temporary. To me when the results you see are only temporary, then the root problem is huge. You can learn a lot about humans and their consistency, or rather lack thereof. Anyone who is willing to change and improve conditions will put in the effort. A person of higher integrity doesn't until an acceptable result has been achieved. When people relapse there is typically some kind of broken signal within them, which impedes their interest in doing better. I would question anyone who sees themselves content with poor behavior.

[TaraMaiden2]

I've threatened to leave and have a trial separation many times due to his anger issues. Because of them it makes me hard to be intimate and love him.

 

I am not financially independent unfortunately I am a stay at home mum to 3 children under 6. I can get government help if I decided to move out but would be very tough.

 

And that's why he continues to be the way he is.

Because he can.

because he knows that what you say is empty and devoid of meaning.

Like angry parents yelling at their kids, "You won't get any christmas presents if you carry on like that!"

And the kids carry on like that anyway - because they know no parent would actually not give their kids presents.

 

You make a threat like that, you have to be able to carry through.

If you're unhappy in your life - and I can totally see why you are - then by staying, are you not contributing?

And if the children are witness to such anger, is that not teaching them the wrong things about their mother, and what a marriage is?

 

If you were alone, I would encourage you to go out and do all the things you yearn to do, and quit mollycoddling him by doing everything for him... and then become so independent that you could do very well without him.

 

But you have children.

You need to put them first.

Seriously, this is a toxic, nasty environment for them to be growing up in.

Plan a strategy; do whatever you can, right now, to change what you are going through.

Consult a solicitor, and get something moving.

Threats (words) mean nothing.

Actions will win the day.

 

Act.

 

Now.

[loveboid]

I think you're no longer attracted to him because he's unattractive. Yeah, it's that simple.

 

This guy acts like a Neanderthal to me.

 

I would become independent and get counseling.

[Mystic81]

Most of my family are over 3500 kms away, the only real support we have here are his mum. My dad lives an hour away but he has his own issues.

 

I really wish this wasn't happening. Its like my worst nightmare. I came from a very broken abusive home. He was the one that saved me from it when I was 19.

[loveboid]

Most of my family are over 3500 kms away, the only real support we have here are his mum. My dad lives an hour away but he has his own issues.

 

I really wish this wasn't happening. Its like my worst nightmare. I came from a very broken abusive home. He was the one that saved me from it when I was 19.

 

My mom saw my dad as her savior too. He really did help her out of a worse situation. He abused her and she left him as well.

 

These people are conveniently available when we're hurting but that's because they're abusive so no one else wanted them.

 

I would keep working on being independent. It's hard but staying where you're at is harder.

[truncated]

Is there any way that you and the kids could get away for even a week by yourselves on the pretext of taking a bit of a vacation? Give him that time to learn a bit of independence form you.

 

I don't mean this to sound rude at all, but it sounds as if you are somewhat enabling his dependence on you. I don't think you did this intentionally, it just sort of happened.

 

What does he do if you are ill or something has happened and he needs to step up and do the things you always do? Does he even know how?

 

Even if you two were on the best of terms, it's not good for him to not know how to run the household and finances, as if anything ever happened to you, that would put both him and your children in a very bad place.

 

As for the explosive anger, that is not okay at all, especially if he's that way to your kids or around them. I would suggest that one evening after the kids are in bed, you have a very frank talk with him about it and lay out exactly how it makes you and your children feel when he does that.tell him that behavior needs to stop as it's very hurtful and you find it make you not want to be around him when he acts that way. If he can't do that on his own, then he needs to get counseling, and if he is not willing to do that, then it could be a dealbreaker for you.

[Mystic81]

Truncated yes you are right. I have been enabling him....unintentionally. No he wouldn't know how to pay the rent,pay bills online etc. I do all of that and all the ringing around. I do nearly everything for the children too...they don't want a bar of him most of the time

 

I have decided on a 3 month trial separation. I'll be sleeping in the sunroom which is freezing cold but I'll be buying warmer bedding and electric blankets tonight. In that time we can work on ourselves and re evaluate things after the 3 months. Will be really hard not doing stuff for him and watching tv together etc.....has been 14 years. I am actually wondering what I will do in my spare time. I need to find a hobby or 3.

[truncated]

Truncated yes you are right. I have been enabling him....unintentionally. No he wouldn't know how to pay the rent,pay bills online etc. I do all of that and all the ringing around. I do nearly everything for the children too...they don't want a bar of him most of the time

 

I have decided on a 3 month trial separation. I'll be sleeping in the sunroom which is freezing cold but I'll be buying warmer bedding and electric blankets tonight. In that time we can work on ourselves and re evaluate things after the 3 months. Will be really hard not doing stuff for him and watching tv together etc.....has been 14 years. I am actually wondering what I will do in my spare time. I need to find a hobby or 3.

 

I understand how that can just sort of happen over time without even being aware that it is happening.

 

The thing about a trial separation is that it's an opportunity to for you both to see how you fare on your own. Will he be looking after himself ( laundry and other household chores, cooking, finances, finding ways to spend the time, taking the kids for outings, etc. on his own) ? Will you be free to find things to do outside your home that bring you fulfillment? Will you also still be spending some time together as just husband and wife and not parents looking after the kids?

[Lois_Griffin]

I am actually wondering what I will do in my spare time. I need to find a hobby or 3.

How about taking online courses or going back to college so you can get a degree?

 

As long as you're a stay at home mom, you're going to be financially dependent on this guy and never get anywhere in life. If you're dependent on him, you have NO OPTIONS.

 

NO OPTIONS means you'll always be stuck with him because you have no way of supporting yourself and your kids.

 

Be smart.

[Satu]

It seems that you are the only adult in the house...

 

His cluelessness about running the household, and his anger issues would be a deal breaker for many people.

 

He's lazy and abusive. Shouting at you and your children is abuse.

 

He really needs to change, but I don't think that he will.

[Mystic81]

Yes he will be doing his own dishes,laundry etc...not sure if he will be doing stuff with the children but I hope so. They might form a closer bond if it happens.

I will be doing my own thing. I'll be visiting friends and might do a course at night.

 

I haven't worked in 8 years but I am qualified in some fields. I looked today at jobs and there's a few around. I would prefer to go back to work when my second child is in school due to childcare being very expensive. Will see what happens tho......