Update: I am finally completely sick and tired and FREE

[m4p]

I haven't been posting in a bit, was mostly busy with work and life.

 

It is a very bad time at work now and I am needed to be at my best motivational self in order to get out of a rut and perform well. After months of wallowing about, it was indeed a wake up call for me.

 

Anyway, after the last thread, there had been no contact from xMM UNTIL YESTERDAY.

 

I received a text from him (official, proper text via iMessage), saying "hi", and that he was an ass and could I please return him something that he bought for me months ago, because he did not tell his wife about it then and now she found out, she is very upset because she thinks that it is too personal "for normal friends". It is very obvious that he wrote that with her watching over his shoulder, so I knew not to reply anything that might implicate him. Yes, I do not want anything more to do with him but I have zero wish to hamper his ongoing R.

 

So I replied a very normal Hey what's up text and asking him what's happening?

 

He called me today and said he was sorry to have done that, and when he did not hear back from me, he thought to call me and explain. I told him that I did reply him, and we both came to the conclusion that his W has blocked me on his phone.

 

He had given his wife all-access to his phone, emails, passwords to social media accounts in other to establish her trust in him. Honestly, aside from me, I don't think he has anything else to hide from her.

 

So anyway, a couple days ago, she got into his facebook, and looked for me because he told her that I was one of the "close female friends" that had made her so uncomfortable about for the past few months because he was very friendly with a few females friends whom I all know personally and knows that nothing is going on. To me it is not really an issue (about him having female friends but it is a deal breaker for his wife.) She is convinced he is having an emotional affair which is technically true, judging from how he hide things from her, even normal conversations with female friends.

 

Sidenote: Just how freaking conflict avoidant are these MMs?! It is like it is written in their DNA.

 

Sidenote: SHE STILL DOES NOT KNOW ABOUT THE PA and EA BETWEEN XMM AND ME.

 

So anyway I digress. We are not fb friends but have mutual friends so she could see my profile picture and in it I was wearing a top that he helped me to buy because he has employee discount from his company, and he gave it to me as one of my Xmas presents from him.

 

The main point of this thread?

 

I WANT to move on. and this irritates the heck out of me. I am extremely uncomfortable that she knows about me, my name, my workplace.

 

I know people will say that I probably deserves or should expect that the BS will know about my existence. But we ended things months ago. He can R and work on things with his wife, good luck to him, why drag me in right now when I have nothing to do with him anymore?

 

It just sickens me, to hear him explaining and telling me that his wife told him TO TELL ME "that receiving that gift was inappropriate and that as his friend I should be sorry that I played a part in overstepping the boundaries" However, he also said "she is okay with him having friends, but just without oversharing of personal stuffs that is inappropriate"

 

......Erm what? Can I ask her if swapping of bodily fluids for 2 years is considered inappropriate?

 

I know this is unfair to her but I really wish he could handle this better on his end without implicating me.

 

I lost it and told him that after things ended, we were no longer friends, so why is he still giving her the impression that I am one of the close friends and as a result, letting her zero onto me?

 

Problem is, I am the only out of these "friends" who actually had an A with him, so if she really dig, she might just find out something. So he basically just shot himself on the foot.

 

The gist of this is I think I am annoyed because god knows what he painted of me to his wife. and that while hiding our A from her, I have somehow perhaps been portrayed to became the instigator or person to blame for his lack of boundaries. despite their R, HE IS STILL LYING TO HER about the A. and I feel very irritated that I am still being dragged into this fiasco when he so clearly told me that it is over months ago.

 

I do not appreciate her looking for my social media profiles, etc. It disconcerts me.

 

Finally, I do not care anymore. I just want to get over this mess. I am selfish I know, but I dealt with things on my end the best I could (I broke up with my xBF after the A, handled work and mutual friends the best I could without blowing xMM's cover) and now this?

 

Does anyone understand what I am trying to put across, despite this rambling mess of words? I am so sorry if I do not make sense.

 

Additional note: he was upset and sounded very lost when talking to me, saying sorry for having to send that text and that the last thing he wanted is to hurt me. How I knew I am finally free is because I felt NOTHING when he was saying all these sentimental words. 1 month ago, perhaps, I might had felt a tug on my heartstrings but today I felt nothing and I am so glad.

Edited June 22, 2015 by m4p
additional content

[Josmatjes]

Listen, you have to expect some repercussions from the wife. She is probably hurt and beyond angry and she is going to keep digging. She has probably just beaten him down and he just doesn't know what to do anymore, and the only way he can get her off his back was by asking you for the gift back.

 

The reason I know this is because my A ended over a year ago and the wife doesn't know it was me but she knows we were good friends. She actually texts me like every 2/3 months asking me millions of questions, then he shoots me a text saying he is sorry. She has gone crazy over the past year. It's sad and I do feel bad but if a wife has to check phones and social media and what have you,than she truly needs to have some pride and leave. I know I could never live like that.

Anyway you are doing the right thing, keep blocking and keep a low profile no matter what.

[Tullyseptember]

Why not block him and lock down all avenues of social media? Blocking will shut down contact which will have you completely free and remove you from their business once and for all! His wife is searching for proof of an affair it sounds like and proof of who that affair was with. You can't stop his wife from searching and its understandable that being lied too is most likely driving her mad. This is a consequence of becoming involved with an attached person, you aren't the person the spouse should be focusing on at the same time though initially if a spouse is being lied to a person can go to extremes to find the truth and not feel crazy anymore. Which is why if you block him, you remove yourself from the equation and you won't know who is looking and why?

[m4p]

Jos, thanks for offering this point of view.. I admit I wasn't thinking about the wife's cause of actions, more of the fact that this has to happen. I do know it though, that's why I said I know it's unfair to her.. I am just so annoyed by him and the way he is handling this.

 

I will continue to block (now that I finally has his direct work number instead of the ambiguous company mainline) and will keep a low profile. Just went to set my social media settings to the ultimate most private possible.

 

Thank you.

[LovelyBrown]

I haven't been posting in a bit, was mostly busy with work and life.

 

It is a very bad time at work now and I am needed to be at my best motivational self in order to get out of a rut and perform well. After months of wallowing about, it was indeed a wake up call for me.

 

Anyway, after the last thread, there had been no contact from xMM UNTIL YESTERDAY.

 

I received a text from him (official, proper text via iMessage), saying "hi", and that he was an ass and could I please return him something that he bought for me months ago, because he did not tell his wife about it then and now she found out, she is very upset because she thinks that it is too personal "for normal friends". It is very obvious that he wrote that with her watching over his shoulder, so I knew not to reply anything that might implicate him. Yes, I do not want anything more to do with him but I have zero wish to hamper his ongoing R.

 

So I replied a very normal Hey what's up text and asking him what's happening?

 

He called me today and said he was sorry to have done that, and when he did not hear back from me, he thought to call me and explain. I told him that I did reply him, and we both came to the conclusion that his W has blocked me on his phone.

 

He had given his wife all-access to his phone, emails, passwords to social media accounts in other to establish her trust in him. Honestly, aside from me, I don't think he has anything else to hide from her.

 

So anyway, a couple days ago, she got into his facebook, and looked for me because he told her that I was one of the "close female friends" that had made her so uncomfortable about for the past few months because he was very friendly with a few females friends whom I all know personally and knows that nothing is going on. To me it is not really an issue (about him having female friends but it is a deal breaker for his wife.) She is convinced he is having an emotional affair which is technically true, judging from how he hide things from her, even normal conversations with female friends.

 

Sidenote: Just how freaking conflict avoidant are these MMs?! It is like it is written in their DNA.

 

Sidenote: SHE STILL DOES NOT KNOW ABOUT THE PA and EA BETWEEN XMM AND ME.

 

So anyway I digress. We are not fb friends but have mutual friends so she could see my profile picture and in it I was wearing a top that he helped me to buy because he has employee discount from his company, and he gave it to me as one of my Xmas presents from him.

 

The main point of this thread?

 

I WANT to move on. and this irritates the heck out of me. I am extremely uncomfortable that she knows about me, my name, my workplace.

 

I know people will say that I probably deserves or should expect that the BS will know about my existence. But we ended things months ago. He can R and work on things with his wife, good luck to him, why drag me in right now when I have nothing to do with him anymore?

 

It just sickens me, to hear him explaining and telling me that his wife told him TO TELL ME "that receiving that gift was inappropriate and that as his friend I should be sorry that I played a part in overstepping the boundaries" However, he also said "she is okay with him having friends, but just without oversharing of personal stuffs that is inappropriate"

 

......Erm what? Can I ask her if swapping of bodily fluids for 2 years is considered inappropriate?

 

I know this is unfair to her but I really wish he could handle this better on his end without implicating me.

 

I lost it and told him that after things ended, we were no longer friends, so why is he still giving her the impression that I am one of the close friends and as a result, letting her zero onto me?

 

Problem is, I am the only out of these "friends" who actually had an A with him, so if she really dig, she might just find out something. So he basically just shot himself on the foot.

 

The gist of this is I think I am annoyed because god knows what he painted of me to his wife. and that while hiding our A from her, I have somehow perhaps been portrayed to became the instigator or person to blame for his lack of boundaries. despite their R, HE IS STILL LYING TO HER about the A. and I feel very irritated that I am still being dragged into this fiasco when he so clearly told me that it is over months ago.

 

I do not appreciate her looking for my social media profiles, etc. It disconcerts me.

 

Finally, I do not care anymore. I just want to get over this mess. I am selfish I know, but I dealt with things on my end the best I could (I broke up with my xBF after the A, handled work and mutual friends the best I could without blowing xMM's cover) and now this?

 

Does anyone understand what I am trying to put across, despite this rambling mess of words? I am so sorry if I do not make sense.

 

Additional note: he was upset and sounded very lost when talking to me, saying sorry for having to send that text and that the last thing he wanted is to hurt me. How I knew I am finally free is because I felt NOTHING when he was saying all these sentimental words. 1 month ago, perhaps, I might had felt a tug on my heartstrings but today I felt nothing and I am so glad.

 

I UNDERSTAND!!!

Block and protect all your social media! Be careful, protect yourself. I got some really stalkerish texts from MM's wife, she was also stalking my social media. So, I just shut everything off and block/deleted him off everywhere (because clearly she could log in with his info and see my stuff). MM apologized to me for her actions (apology was full of crap) then told me she had all his passwords and sees all his texts now... WHAT A WAY TO LIVE! EH? lol, that's a great marriage to be in! ...

 

Ignore him! you never know when you'll receive a text from him, when its her actually pretending to be him.

[m4p]

Why not block him and lock down all avenues of social media? Blocking will shut down contact which will have you completely free and remove you from their business once and for all! His wife is searching for proof of an affair it sounds like and proof of who that affair was with. You can't stop his wife from searching and its understandable that being lied too is most likely driving her mad. This is a consequence of becoming involved with an attached person, you aren't the person the spouse should be focusing on at the same time though initially if a spouse is being lied to a person can go to extremes to find the truth and not feel crazy anymore. Which is why if you block him, you remove yourself from the equation and you won't know who is looking and why?

 

I do understand this we were on NC for months until my last thread where he called me at work with his new work number. My only folly is that I genuinely forgot to block his new work number because there was no further contact that I was anticipating or wanted to make. He texted me yesterday with his new number that again, I didn't have so I could not block.

 

As of now nothing will change and he remains blocked in all avenues. We are not on each other's social media site so what she could have gleaned from was from very limited information (my profile picture that's all). I can't block him on FB as I have no idea what email address he used.

 

Now I feel sorry for his wife, I can only imagine what kinda emotional turmoil she is going through. I genuinely hope that I can remove myself from this equation once and for all.

[Morro72]

Eventually he will tell his W or she will figure it out. You can avoid speeding the process up but it's mostly out of your control.

[m4p]

I UNDERSTAND!!!

Block and protect all your social media! Be careful, protect yourself. I got some really stalkerish texts from MM's wife, she was also stalking my social media. So, I just shut everything off and block/deleted him off everywhere (because clearly she could log in with his info and see my stuff). MM apologized to me for her actions (apology was full of crap) then told me she had all his passwords and sees all his texts now... WHAT A WAY TO LIVE! EH? lol, that's a great marriage to be in! ...

 

Ignore him! you never know when you'll receive a text from him, when its her actually pretending to be him.

 

(((Hugs)))

I did have a feeling that the text was composed by her because it sounded so awkward. Ignoring!!

[m4p]

Eventually he will tell his W or she will figure it out. You can avoid speeding the process up but it's mostly out of your control.

 

Then I am glad that I broke up with my then bf after the A was over.. I have nothing to hide now. Maybe exposure to my family? Work? I would not like that but the thought of it doesn't cripple me..

 

The fact that this is out of my control is certainly scary though... oh well.

[whichwayisup]

If she contacts you directly, I hope you consider coming clean. Apologize to her about your part in the A, answer what she needs to know. She isn't stupid, she knows there's a lot more to his affair with you, he's LYING to her and gas lighting her. This is driving her crazy and it's unfair and cruel. His marriage doesn't have a real honest shot unless he confesses and comes clean.

 

I WANT to move on. and this irritates the heck out of me. I am extremely uncomfortable that she knows about me, my name, my workplace.

 

I know people will say that I probably deserves or should expect that the BS will know about my existence. But we ended things months ago. He can R and work on things with his wife, good luck to him, why drag me in right now when I have nothing to do with him anymore?

 

For two years you had sex with her husband, and are still in contact with him, even though your A is over. Doesn't matter that it ended a few months ago, she has every right to ask questions and want to know about you. It is part of the consequence and fallout of your part in it.

 

I think if you approach this with compassion towards her instead of anger that she knows who you are, where you work, show her kindness then maybe the fallout won't be too bad for you. Right now she's a pissed off ticking time bomb every time he lies to her, omits the truth from her.

[whichwayisup]

Then I am glad that I broke up with my then bf after the A was over.. I have nothing to hide now. Maybe exposure to my family? Work? I would not like that but the thought of it doesn't cripple me..

 

The fact that this is out of my control is certainly scary though... oh well.

 

She had no control either while you were with her H having an A. I'm not saying this to be bitchy...It just is what it is.

I can't block him on FB as I have no idea what email address he used.

 

Yes you can. Just type in his name. You don't need his email address to block on fb.

[m4p]

If she contacts you directly, I hope you consider coming clean. Apologize to her about your part in the A, answer what she needs to know. She isn't stupid, she knows there's a lot more to his affair with you, he's LYING to her and gas lighting her. This is driving her crazy and it's unfair and cruel. His marriage doesn't have a real honest shot unless he confesses and comes clean.

 

 

 

For two years you had sex with her husband, and are still in contact with him, even though your A is over. Doesn't matter that it ended a few months ago, she has every right to ask questions and want to know about you. It is part of the consequence and fallout of your part in it.

 

I think if you approach this with compassion towards her instead of anger that she knows who you are, where you work, show her kindness then maybe the fallout won't be too bad for you. Right now she's a pissed off ticking time bomb every time he lies to her, omits the truth from her.

 

Ouch the truth certainly hurts. I didn't come here to justify my actions or deny my part in the A..... But yes you are right.

 

I would be happy to come clean and offer my sincere apologies for having played a part in destroying her life and I mean this with my whole heart.

 

I am just disgusted at xMM. Perhaps subconsciously I want to rug sweep everything and pretended that the A never happened.. This is just a stark reminder of how everything might come to light one day. Not sure if I am prepared to deal with it but I'll try when it happens.

[elaine567]

Block him and block the wife and any other close friends and relatives of him and the wife too from fb, so you can wear your top, or anything else a bit suspect, in peace.

[sandylee1]

When there is an OW or suspected one, it can become an obsession of the BW to see what she's like. What she looks like, is she slimmer /prettier than me. You keep thinking what about her got 'my husband's attention'.

 

It's a horrible place to be and as a BW, you almost hate yourself for doing it , but you can't help it makes you someone you really don't want to be honestly.

 

You get this feeling of not wanting to bump into the OW without knowing what she looks like, while she knows exactly who you are. You also know that your H probably shared intimate details of your marriage and of you with her, so you feel somehow violated by this unknown woman. This obsession is frequently discussed in therapy. That's what a betrayal causes unfortunately.

 

Believe me, she'd rather not be in that position.

[whichwayisup]

Ouch the truth certainly hurts. I didn't come here to justify my actions or deny my part in the A..... But yes you are right.

I would be happy to come clean and offer my sincere apologies for having played a part in destroying her life and I mean this with my whole heart.

 

I am just disgusted at xMM. Perhaps subconsciously I want to rug sweep everything and pretended that the A never happened.. This is just a stark reminder of how everything might come to light one day. Not sure if I am prepared to deal with it but I'll try when it happens.

 

I know and I'm sorry if my words hurt. But this is your reality. You can't pretend it didn't happen, it did. You both are grown adults knowing full well of potential fallouts and pain it causes.

 

Bolded...Be true to yourself, most of all. Talking to her might set yourself free and give you closure. Forgiving yourself for choosing the A, forgiving him for being a lying sack of crap too. All this will bring you peace in the end. You can't live in fear that some day all this will come out and bite you in the butt.

[m4p]

When there is an OW or suspected one, it can become an obsession of the BW to see what she's like. What she looks like, is she slimmer /prettier than me. You keep thinking what about her got 'my husband's attention'.

 

It's a horrible place to be and as a BW, you almost hate yourself for doing it , but you can't help it makes you someone you really don't want to be honestly.

 

You get this feeling of not wanting to bump into the OW without knowing what she looks like, while she knows exactly who you are. You also know that your H probably shared intimate details of your marriage and of you with her, so you feel somehow violated by this unknown woman. This obsession is frequently discussed in therapy. That's what a betrayal causes unfortunately.

 

Believe me, she'd rather not be in that position.

 

i can understand this... When I was in the A I was obsessed with the wife. I bumped into her twice in real life and had a mental breakdown and was questioning why would a man cheat on such a beautiful woman? It's all superficial but yeah I was obsessed too and hated myself for it. I do understand it. xMM never talked about his marriage or his wife.. only made me more obsessed. Whatever it is im glad to be out of this.

[m4p]

Block him and block the wife and any other close friends and relatives of him and the wife too from fb, so you can wear your top, or anything else a bit suspect, in peace.

 

I had the top for so long that I forgot the "significance" of it.... I don't know his wife or his friends and relatives well.. We never went there. I can only wait or hope for the best. Will block whatever I can.... :/

[m4p]

I know and I'm sorry if my words hurt. But this is your reality. You can't pretend it didn't happen, it did. You both are grown adults knowing full well of potential fallouts and pain it causes.

 

Bolded...Be true to yourself, most of all. Talking to her might set yourself free and give you closure. Forgiving yourself for choosing the A, forgiving him for being a lying sack of crap too. All this will bring you peace in the end. You can't live in fear that some day all this will come out and bite you in the butt.

 

WWIU, you dont have to say sorry! I know you mean well. And you were one of the first few who offered advice when I started my first thread; I'll always appreciate it.

 

I am not living in fear and the thought of disclosure did cross my mind. But I am confused as the general consensus of disclosure to the BS seems mixed... If she asks me directly. I will be honest. I don't know if I should volunteer any information right now..,.

 

I want peace and a new start in my life too..

[Popsicle]

Block him and block the wife and any other close friends and relatives of him and the wife too from fb, so you can wear your top, or anything else a bit suspect, in peace.

 

Yes. I'm really confused as to why you would wear a shirt in your public profile picture with his company name on it.

 

I'm convinced he wants to open the door to communication with you again.

 

 

Just ignore/block them all and take that pic down.

[m4p]

Yes. I'm really confused as to why you would wear a shirt in your public profile picture with his company name on it.

 

I'm convinced he wants to open the door to communication with you again.

 

 

Just ignore/block them all and take that pic down.

 

I'm not sure how can I explain without sounding too obvious. He works for a brand that also produces merchandises and I already have a few myself even before I met him. She just happened to correlated the particular top I was wearing to him because he is working there so she asked him about it and he thought he was being honest by telling her that yes he bought it "as a friend". I could have been more insightful about this but I genuinely did not think much about me wearing that top because I haven't changed my profile picture in a long time since before D-day.

 

I am not gonna change my profile pic. It's just gonna look even more suspicious. Am just gonna block block and block.

 

I on the other hand do get the vibe that even if he wants to continue communication it is only because I am the only person he can talk to in the world about his situation. It is not happening because I feel so humiliated and only barely managed to get through this pain..

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I think he put the bead on you because the A is over and he purposely wants to turn her attention away from someone else. That's why this is coming up now, I'd guess she got suspicious for some reason and he's giving her the song and dance about his "safe friend".

[Josmatjes]

If she contacts you directly, I hope you consider coming clean. Apologize to her about your part in the A, answer what she needs to know. She isn't stupid, she knows there's a lot more to his affair with you, he's LYING to her and gas lighting her. This is driving her crazy and it's unfair and cruel. His marriage doesn't have a real honest shot unless he confesses and comes clean.

 

 

 

For two years you had sex with her husband, and are still in contact with him, even though your A is over. Doesn't matter that it ended a few months ago, she has every right to ask questions and want to know about you. It is part of the consequence and fallout of your part in it.

 

I think if you approach this with compassion towards her instead of anger that she knows who you are, where you work, show her kindness then maybe the fallout won't be too bad for you. Right now she's a pissed off ticking time bomb every time he lies to her, omits the truth from her.

 

 

You could be speaking of my situation also. My xmm is lieing and gas lighting her and I feel awful about it. She has never been that stable and if she were more stable I would come clean with her but the truth is, she is like you said a ticking time bomb. She is the type who would drive through my house or kill me. She has always had anger issues. Xmm is truly protecting me because he knows....

[Josmatjes]

Wat if you wrote her an anonymous letter?

[Tullyseptember]

m4p, keep moving forward as you are and concentrate on your wellbeing and in time the pain of this situation will be in the past. Keep the lessons learned and you will one day look back and be grateful that you are long past the emotional mess of the affair person and be happy that you have a clear mind?

[m4p]

I think he put the bead on you because the A is over and he purposely wants to turn her attention away from someone else. That's why this is coming up now, I'd guess she got suspicious for some reason and he's giving her the song and dance about his "safe friend".

 

that's funny.. it sounds like it might actually be possible. he mentioned something about a friend whom he wasnt in contact with for a while- suddenly appearing few days ago and sent him a text saying that she misses him, which pissed his wife off. Then the next day she found my facebook after being told I am one of the "safe friends".

 

but it is also unlikely because his wife never knew that we had an A and it would be too risky to turn her attention towards me. If she really dig, who knows what she might find. i think he wouldn't take the risk.

 

he however, has a lot of misplaced trust on me. he probably thinks that i will never out him, etc. perhaps this is the reason for the sentiments post D-Day; he doesn't want to risk pissing me off and going to his wife.

 

ouch.... there's so much more to realize and learn about other people's intentions. and it still hurts but I feel that it's getting easier to be objective.