Are There Double Standards Here?

[HtotheN]

I wish there could be a designated no trespassing safe place for everyone, even people I do not agree with.

 

I really think BS's pretty much HAVE that place in the infidelity forum. Anyone who even hints at justifying an A gets drowned out pretty quickly. I think, though, forums in general are pretty tough places for any OW/OM or WS to get compassionate help. Their purpose in a lot of forums pretty quickly gets reduced to venting scapegoat, with the exception of a handful of people who are able to see past their stuff to try to help the poster change.

 

I get it. If a child molester or a bludgeoningly legalistic fundamentalist posted, I'd be really hard-pressed to post to them with anything but triggers. Of course, my choice in that case would be to just....NOT post to them at all.

 

This thread reminds me of something that happened to me when I was a BS. The pain was raw and fresh and I found myself looking for answers. I wound up on some message board (not this one) and it was the OW board. I had no business being on there at all. Everything I read pissed me off and I responded with a venomous post. One particular poster set me off. Her username was something like "onestunningblonde" and I responded to her post by starting off with "Dear One Slutty Blonde" and you can imagine how bad it got after that. I read one post where the OW was referring to the BS as a frigid shrew which is just as bad as the derogatory words used to describe OW. What I realized after I calmed down was that I really had no business reading anything on that forum; I mean, what did I expect to read anyway, considering the purpose of the board? Yes, we are all in pain and we ALL need to remember that, we need to be mindful of where we go looking online, and we need to woman/man up if we read something that upsets us.

[minimariah]

Is it more or less towards new LS members?

 

no, not really. i think it's about the story and the vibe folks get from the OP.

like an online "halo effect".

 

when you have a poster who is obviously in pain, struggles emotionally, depressed... you won't "slap" them back into reality because that slap will probably only push them even deeper into that hole of despair and delusion. so you'll offer comfort and then some advice.

 

posters who seem more emotionally stable, not really in any pain or struggle, not emotionally devastated, not depressed are more likely to recieve harsher comments and advice.

 

there are some BS who attack every single time they even SEE A as an affair but... i don't really see that a lot, to be honest. everything seems civil most of the time to me.

 

people DO seem harsher with men, like MMs... they go easier on women... i think.

Edited June 22, 2015 by minimariah

[rester]

Hello again.

 

I'm still learning my way around this forum, reading stories, and trying to understand all of this.

 

Today, I spent a lot of time reading some of you guys' stories here. Partially because I want to become closer, if you will, to the community and know people by (user)name and understand why certain responses from them come off as harsh, hateful, or even mean-spirited at times while others come off in a more "motherly" way.

I also wanted to see if others got the same "slap to the face" advice that I've received.

 

It seems pretty split.

 

I've read posts from some ladies that seemed to me (as an outsider) like they need a SERIOUS slap back to reality (breaking NC, admiring MM that have hurt them, so on and so forth), yet the people responding to the posts almost seem to coddle them.

 

On the other hand, I've seen others posts with the exact same content and it's almost as if LS users smell blood and attack.

 

Now, none of this is necessarily about me or my posts. I'm more curious as to why there seems to be this double standard.

 

Is it more or less towards new LS members?

 

I'm still reading through posts now so this may change, but I just noticed that after reading a few and thought I'd ask if anyone else noticed that or not.

 

Is your question why do OM/OW get attacked, or why do certain thread starters get attacked in general? My response is based on what I've seen, and is not specific to OM/OW or infidelity threads, or any particular member or thread.

 

 

 

I think anytime someone is behaving in a way that hurts another person, and then trying to justify that behavior, there will be people wanting to attack them.

 

Also, many times the thread starter asks for advice, doesn't like the advice given, and then gets defensive and belittles or ignores the advice given. Sometimes people ask for advice and after each post the OP feels the need to tell that poster why their advice or opinion sucks. Well, yeah, people will get backlash for that because posters can put a lot of effort into a response, only to have it crapped on by the OP because the OP refuses to look at somebody else's perspective, which is presumably why people come here to begin with.

 

Some thread starters have been posting the same threads for years without doing anything to help themselves.

 

Other thread starters ask for advice but have no intention of using it; they only hear what they want to hear.

 

Still other thread starters seem to only start threads to whine about the opposite sex or complain about something without any intention of solving the problem.

 

I think any of the above is going to irritate posters, and when it's at its worst is when more and more people share the opinion that the thread starter doesn't agree with...arguments start...gang mentality begins...etc.

[TurningTables]

I've been reading this board for a very long time. This board may be labeled OW/OM forum but it is not. This board is anti-affair. Most who post on here are actively looking for answers to get out of an affair. Many who post here are coming off of a lot pain and anguish due to an affair. You rarely see a happy OW/ OM posting here OR ones who ended up with AP. The truth is a lot of them who have, get ripped apart.

In the end, I'm gonna pass on a tip a special poster said to me early on: take what you need and leave the rest.

 

TT

[minimariah]

In the end, I'm gonna pass on a tip a special poster said to me early on: take what you need and leave the rest.

 

^^^ very well said.

[William]

Posts and threads about forum dynamics are disallowed so I'll close this up as it is not topical to this, or any, forum here. Please continue to discuss your interpersonal relationships publicly and feel free to discuss forum dynamics or other members or groups of members privately or in other venues. Thanks!