I don't initiate.

[Got it]

This is very true and wise to remember!

 

Regardless on how you do it, there are 100 roads to Rome, just think of a tennis match. Both sides need to have consistent volleying or the game is off. So if he slamming balls into your side at an alarming rate, and basically love bombing you, that is a concern. Deep dive it. If you are hitting them but only getting every 3rd or 4th back, ehh, probably not that into you or other factors that are taking his attention. Determine if the ROI is worth it.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Not at all surprised OP, you are like 98 or 99 percent of women

[toscaroscura]

Not at all surprised OP, you are like 98 or 99 percent of women

 

Yes, it's true. We are all a great monolith.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Don't know if it is false information but I was reading online, it says its not uncommon for female rats to be the sexual aggressors, and rats are mammals too

[toscaroscura]

Don't know if it is false information but I was reading online, it says its not uncommon for female rats to be the sexual aggressors, and rats are mammals too

 

Rats also have to gnaw on wood persistently, or their teeth grow into their skulls.

 

I wouldn't look to non human mammals too much to try to decipher human behavior. The best way to learn about humans is to be with humans.

 

Anyway, if you'd actually read my thread, you'd know that I have initiated many times and why I don't want to anymore.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

Rats also have to gnaw on wood persistently, or their teeth grow into their skulls.

 

I wouldn't look to non human mammals too much to try to decipher human behavior. The best way to learn about humans is to be with humans.

 

Anyway, if you'd actually read my thread, you'd know that I have initiated many times and why I don't want to anymore.

Just was adding that argument because many people use analogies from other animals as to why women do not initiate with men

[toscaroscura]

Just was adding that argument because many people use analogies from other animals as to why women do not initiate with men

 

This thread is personal. I really can't speak for other women and why they don't. I have my theories about societal trends but who even knows?

[Timshel]

Controversial topic on LS: I don't initiate with men. I won't ask them out. I won't ask for their numbers or text them first.

 

I will be enthusiastic and show interest if I like him. I will flirt! But the initial contact -chase, if you will- has to come from him.

 

I'm not following any sort of weird "rules" or anything. I'm not trying to be a princess and I don't think I'm entitled to adoration. This all comes from my youth, growing up as a nerdy girl around shy guys.

 

Every time I initiated anything with a guy, it would blow up in my face. They would either play hot and cold with me, enjoying my attentions until they ultimately rejected me, or they might date me for a while until someone they really liked came along. These were shy nerdy types like myself for the most part. They gave me signs of interest, as much as shy types do, so it's not like I was chasing guys out of my league or who definitely weren't into me at all.

 

With my ex-husband, he was extremely shy and stoic. I had to do everything. Ask him out, kiss him, beg him to move in, ask him to get married. Sure, we were young, but still. As a result, I had a man who I suppose loved me and was faithful, but there was never any passion from him. I didn't feel like he wanted me. I just felt like he settled for me, as he was never popular with the girls and I was the first and only that ever liked him. I remember so often, hanging off him, caressing him, while he sat as still as a statue. He'd never initiate sex.

 

So now? I want clear, traditional interest. I feel bad when I hear guys here who yearn for women to chase them, but I just can't do it anymore. To be clear, the first few encounters are what I am talking about. I'm not saying I'm going to sit back doing nothing during our relationship. But those first few dates? Sorry, no more shy guys too shy to make a move for me.

 

Don't. You don't need to do that. I get that the patience factor is not there for many women but it honestly makes me want to....ok. If you will be your own self and cultivate who you are and what you want.....friendships, hobbies, charities and most importantly laughter without thinking about if a man wants you.

 

It is so ridiculously simple that LS would cease to exist. Be still and who you are and what you believe in. It sounds hokey and preachy, I know.

 

You seem confident in your self except this worry but your avatar and your posts show that you are fine, pretty and smart.

 

I guess what I am trying to say is let go, if you can.

[MidwestUSA]

I'm sorry to admit I've only read the last page of this thread, but I fear I'm going to dream of rats playing tennis tonight. With wooden balls.

[toscaroscura]

Problem is, many women do initiate things with men. The last year I so when I was single, I think every date I had was initiated by the woman. Aside from the few I got online. I convinced them that they needed to gnaw on my wood so their teeth wouldn't grow into their skull.

 

Maybe it's because I'm almost through this bottle of Gewürztraminer, but that made me laugh out loud.

 

But yes, we do. We just aren't the women you want, Jaeger. So sorry!

[Ninjainpajamas]

It seems we have some one that knows not only everything about shy guys, but has also met every single one of them on the face of the earth.

 

that's fine if you don't like that type of guy, but the lengths of which you are going out of your way to make it seem like they are some how less than really says a lot more about you then it does about them.

 

 

It's funny how when nerds, geeks, shy guys are generalized in a POSITIVE way, these guys get all excited and love the stereotypes and agree with them.

 

However, when you say anything that can be perceived as NEGATIVE, no matter how true...all of a sudden you need to know EVERY SINGLE GUY ON THE PLANET who carries these traits to make any kind of remark whatsoever

 

Look, I've been around plenty of these guys to make a generalization about how they interact and behave, especially with the female sex if you can even call that INTERACTION...it's more like an extreme conditioning to a friendzone like mentality where they are completely comfortable interacting with women in which they've already assumed no romantic/sexual contact will ever occur...because most of the time it doesn't!

 

As much as the Star Wars nerds may differentiate themselves as from the Trekkies, or the Call of Duty versus Battlefield fanboys or whatever else there that make them feel like a completely difference human race unto themselves...doesn't mean these guys are that different in the dating world. Sorry for not making that super individual classifications of all things pointless and irrelevant.

 

The reason these particular women CLAIM TO BE attracted to these group of men (shy,nerd,geeks) is because of a GENERALIZATION...shocking when you used your brain, isn't it! However, I assume they haven't slept or met with EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM either.

[toscaroscura]

The reason these particular women CLAIM TO BE attracted to these group of men (shy,nerd,geeks) is because of a GENERALIZATION...shocking when you used your brain, isn't it! However, I assume they haven't slept or met with EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM either.

 

So...are you saying you've met or slept with every single one of them? :bunny:

 

I admit there are large, large swathes of them that will be unattractive, whether because of hygiene issues (a big one!) or general social/emotional constipation.

 

But a clean, cute, smart, introspective, quiet, nerdy guy with at least enough social skills to understand relationships?

 

UNF. :love:

[toolforgrowth]

I'm sorry to admit I've only read the last page of this thread, but I fear I'm going to dream of rats playing tennis tonight. With wooden balls.

 

While gnawing on my wood...

 

I think I'm going to sleep with the lights on tonight.

[Toodaloo]

When I have asked men out it has always been a disaster.

 

However, I will start a general conversation, I will offer my number if I would like them to call me.

 

I will not ask a chap out unless it is purely platonic.

 

Tried that and learnt that men like to be instigators. So they can do that... I prefer them to ask me anyway.

[Keenly]

 

Tried that and learnt that men like to be instigators.

 

 

Not always the case. I'd say 15-20% of men are flattered when a girl chases.

[Toodaloo]

Not always the case. I'd say 15-20% of men are flattered when a girl chases.

 

thats pretty bloody low odds...

 

I will stick with the numbers and let them chase. I will stick with flattering them when they do.

[toscaroscura]

Not always the case. I'd say 15-20% of men are flattered when a girl chases.

 

The problem is, "flattered" doesn't always translate into genuine interest or passion.

 

In fact, "flattered" sounds pretty lukewarm. It's like how "nice" is the most boring and basic qualifier. She is nice. He is flattered. Eh.

[Keenly]

The problem is, "flattered" doesn't always translate into genuine interest or passion.

 

In fact, "flattered" sounds pretty lukewarm. It's like how "nice" is the most boring and basic qualifier. She is nice. He is flattered. Eh.

 

I'll give you the exact same answer ladies give to struggling guys.

 

If he is attracted to you, your pursuit will be successful. If he isn't, it won't work, and it won't have anything to do with " men like the chase "

 

I know you ladies are too smart to believe the narrative that some how pursuing a man voids his attraction. That's not true, he just wasnt into you to begin with.

[toscaroscura]

I'll give you the exact same answer ladies give to struggling guys.

 

If he is attracted to you, your pursuit will be successful. If he isn't, it won't work, and it won't have anything to do with " men like the chase "

 

I know you ladies are too smart to believe the narrative that some how pursuing a man voids his attraction. That's not true, he just wasnt into you to begin with.

 

Yes I know all this.

 

As far as me chasing, and "if he's attracted to you it will work", this isn't always as cut and dry. Sometimes I don't find out how not into me a guy is after I have wasted my time dating him for a while. Sure, my pursuits have "worked" in the past. But I was a placeholder most of the time, and I got a husband who was only with me because he had no one else. He certainly wasn't at all passionate about me.

 

That's why I want a man to not chase me per se, but initiate clear interest. That way, I am more sure of his attraction and I am not wasting my time being a placeholder.

[Imajerk17]

I actually think that being receptive but letting the man initiate is a winning strategy OP.

 

I can only speak for certain with myself here, but the dynamic I am most comfortable with (early on at least) is that I pursue and she is receptive/sets the boundaries.

 

I can tell when a woman could be interested without her having to actually take the initiative. When a woman takes too much of the initiative though, things feel off to me. I can't quite pinpoint why. I guess I feel taken out of my role. I don't feel as masculine around her and therefore, not as attracted. I also feel forced to take on the feminine role of being receptive and/or setting boundaries (e.g., whether sex will happen) and I just feel weird put in this position. I will tend not to feel that I CHOSE her (as she did so much of the work early on) and that will blunt some of my enthusiasm for the relationship. Anyway that's the best way I can think of to explain why.

 

I think many of the guys who are thinking you should initiate OP, are envisioning a sort of fantasy. Most of these guys probably haven't had much female attention, so these guys feel that a woman willing to do so much of the work early on would be a dream come true. But it doesn't work like that in reality.

 

OP from your pictures and posts (looks and intelligence) you seem like quite an attractive woman. I am sure you will have no problems finding a guy to make the first move....and the right guy will!

Edited June 26, 2015 by Imajerk17

[Brigit1]

I actually think that being receptive but letting the man initiate is a winning strategy OP.

 

I can only speak for certain with myself here, but the dynamic I am most comfortable with (early on at least) is that I pursue and she is receptive/sets the boundaries.

 

I can tell when a woman could be interested without her having to actually take the initiative. When a woman takes too much of the initiative though, things feel off to me. I can't quite pinpoint why. I guess I feel taken out of my role. I don't feel as masculine around her and therefore, not as attracted. I also feel forced to take on the feminine role of being receptive and/or setting boundaries (e.g., whether sex will happen) and I just feel weird put in this position. I will tend not to feel that I CHOSE her (as she did so much of the work early on) and that will blunt some of my enthusiasm for the relationship. Anyway that's the best way I can think of to explain why.

 

I think many of the guys who are thinking you should initiate OP, are envisioning a sort of fantasy. Most of these guys probably haven't had much female attention, so these guys feel that a woman willing to do so much of the work early on would be a dream come true. But it doesn't work like that in reality.

 

OP from your pictures and posts (looks and intelligence) you seem like quite an attractive woman. I am sure you will have no problems finding a guy to make the first move....and the right guy will!

 

From my understanding when a woman is too assertive in the beginning the man thinks "Hmmm...she's really into me...what's wrong with her?"

[GorillaTheater]

From my understanding when a woman is too assertive in the beginning the man thinks "Hmmm...she's really into me...what's wrong with her?"

 

It's kind of like what Groucho Marx said: "I wouldn't be a member of any club willing to have me." People can be perverse that way.

 

I always enjoyed the chase, personally. Still do, except most of the chasing these days is around the island in the kitchen.

 

I, like I imagine most guys, just didn't want to chase too long or too hard and not be able to close the distance in some reasonable amount of time. I'd get distracted fairly easily.

[toscaroscura]

When a woman takes too much of the initiative though, things feel off to me. I can't quite pinpoint why.

 

On my end, it feels like I am trying to "make fetch happen".

 

It would be nice if the force of my crush on him wakes him up to feel the same about me, but I haven't experienced this.

 

I think many of the guys who are thinking you should initiate OP, are envisioning a sort of fantasy. Most of these guys probably haven't had much female attention, so these guys feel that a woman willing to do so much of the work early on would be a dream come true. But it doesn't work like that in reality.

 

I think so too. A lot of these guys have a specific woman in mind when they dream of this happening. Then another woman chases them, and she's ok I guess, but she's not her!

 

OP from your pictures and posts (looks and intelligence) you seem like quite an attractive woman. I am sure you will have no problems finding a guy to make the first move....and the right guy will!

 

Well thank you! I actually get lots of male attention, but not serious male attention (as in, they want to date me and commit to me). I'm not chomping at the bit for a relationship though, so I can be patient.

[Els]

Not always the case. I'd say 15-20% of men are flattered when a girl chases.

 

Come on, I'm sure most people are aware that 'flattered' and 'interested in him/her' are two very, very different things.

 

OP, I agree with Imajerk - be receptive and reciprocate, but allow him to initiate, at least in the beginning. I think most men would be totally fine with that. Even the shy, geeky ones.

[Keenly]

You guys are only creating barriers for Yourselves. Go after what you want.