My wife can't stand my mother

[castnoshadow]

My wife can’t stand my mother. We had a baby last year and my mother has been visiting every two months to see us and her grandson - she wanted to visit every month, but I limited her to two months to reduce exposure to my wife. Whenever my mom comes, my wife gets very argumentative in the weeks preceding and following the visit. Among other things, she had threatened to divorce me and take my son to stay with her parents in China, where I (an American) would have little chance to ever see him again, which of course terrifies me. (Before we had a child, she always found my mom a little annoying but never threatened divorce over it.) The options I can see are to (1) never let my mother visit, or (2) try to “fix” the problems with my mother’s personality that bother my wife. I have tried to explain these problems to my mother but she said she is not going to try to change her personality to appease my wife when she already has friends who like her the way she is.

 

I don’t think my mother is an evil person - she just has some personality quirks, and I feel that it would be wrong to deprive her of contact with me and my son since she did sacrifice 21 years of her life to raise me. However, my wife thinks that those “quirks” are serious issues, blames my mom's personality for the fact that I have trouble making friends, and thinks I would be better off not talking to her. Some things that my wife has mentioned as bothersome about my mom:

- She sometimes interrupts people, and holds some unpopular opinions that people may not want to hear

- She isn't "fun" - no interesting hobbies, doesn't drink or dance at parties, just sits at home most of the time, her house is in the middle of nowhere because she doesn’t like to be able to see her neighbors

- My wife doesn't feel that my mom cares about her. For example when my parents (they are divorced) came to visit us in the hospital after our son's birth, my dad and his wife seemed more caring about my wife and her condition, while my mother mostly just wanted to see her new grandson. (Like most of my mom's personality issues, I never noticed this, but my wife did.)

- My wife's mother came all the way from China to help take care of our son for the first four months. When she had to leave, my mother was unwilling to do the same. My mother says that is a cultural thing and nobody in my family has done it, so why should she? But my wife and her family cannot understand why she cannot come the 250 miles to help us when my MIL came 6000 miles to a foreign country. And since my wife thought our son should not be put in daycare at only a few months old, since my mother wouldn't take care of him she had to temporarily give up a successful career to stay home.

- My wife and my father get along well, and he has told us some other things about my mother - e.g. that she was mean to her in-laws, and refused to let my father serve alcohol when they have guests over.

 

Has anyone experienced a situation like this and/or can suggest a solution? Thanks so much for reading this far!

[berniev]

You need to start behaving like a man not a meek boy. Do not let her run your life like this!!!

 

Go talk to a lawyer and understand your legal rights in custody. I do not believe she can take the child without your written consent.

 

Tell her in no uncertain terms that your mom can visit every month as long as she's your money. What kind of wife would refuse the grandparents to see their grandson? If that has to be the way, then her family can't see the grandson either.

 

Tell her that her mom helping out is appreciated but not necessary. Raising children is the responsibility of you and her. So stop whining about it.

[Lurkeraspect]

My wife can’t stand my mother. We had a baby last year and my mother has been visiting every two months to see us and her grandson - she wanted to visit every month, but I limited her to two months to reduce exposure to my wife. Whenever my mom comes, my wife gets very argumentative in the weeks preceding and following the visit. Among other things, she had threatened to divorce me and take my son to stay with her parents in China, where I (an American) would have little chance to ever see him again, which of course terrifies me. (Before we had a child, she always found my mom a little annoying but never threatened divorce over it.) The options I can see are to (1) never let my mother visit, or (2) try to “fix” the problems with my mother’s personality that bother my wife. I have tried to explain these problems to my mother but she said she is not going to try to change her personality to appease my wife when she already has friends who like her the way she is.

 

I don’t think my mother is an evil person - she just has some personality quirks, and I feel that it would be wrong to deprive her of contact with me and my son since she did sacrifice 21 years of her life to raise me. However, my wife thinks that those “quirks” are serious issues, blames my mom's personality for the fact that I have trouble making friends, and thinks I would be better off not talking to her. Some things that my wife has mentioned as bothersome about my mom:

- She sometimes interrupts people, and holds some unpopular opinions that people may not want to hear

- She isn't "fun" - no interesting hobbies, doesn't drink or dance at parties, just sits at home most of the time, her house is in the middle of nowhere because she doesn’t like to be able to see her neighbors

- My wife doesn't feel that my mom cares about her. For example when my parents (they are divorced) came to visit us in the hospital after our son's birth, my dad and his wife seemed more caring about my wife and her condition, while my mother mostly just wanted to see her new grandson. (Like most of my mom's personality issues, I never noticed this, but my wife did.)

- My wife's mother came all the way from China to help take care of our son for the efirst four months. When she had to leave, my mother was unwilling to do the same. My mother says that is a cultural thing and nobody in my family has done it, so why should she? But my wife and her family cannot understand why she cannot come the 250 miles to help us when my MIL came 6000 miles to a foreign country. And since my wife thought our son should not be put in daycare at only a few months old, since my mother wouldn't take care of him she had to temporarily give up a successful career to stay home.

- My wife and my father get along well, and he has told us some other things about my mother - e.g. that she was mean to her in-laws, and refused to let my father serve alcohol when they have guests over.

 

Has anyone experienced a situation like this and/or can suggest a solution? Thanks so much for reading this far!

 

This sounds like a cultural difference with a huge dose of immaturity. If I'm reading this right, your wife is pissed off because your mom won't give up her life and raise your kid. She's pissed because she had a child that she never prepared to raise herself and doesn't want to put the baby in daycare to keep her career. So she quit, and it's all become your moms fault. Ridiculous. Raising your child is NOT your mothers responsibility. That job lies with you and your wife. Period.

 

Your wife sounds like a petulant child. I guess she now hates your mom because she didn't get her way, and is using your baby as leverage. You know...either your mom raise your kid, or she's not welcome.

 

I agree that you need to seek legal advice, and I'd lock those passports up as well.

[loveboid]

Speaking from an asian perspective you need to stand up for your wife. I dunno where western men think asian women are subservient. Asian women run the household. That's the deal asian women and men make. She takes care of him and she runs the house.

 

If you want her to be happy I would get her permission to have mom over.

[berniev]

Speaking from an asian perspective you need to stand up for your wife. I dunno where western men think asian women are subservient. Asian women run the household. That's the deal asian women and men make. She takes care of him and she runs the house.

 

If you want her to be happy I would get her permission to have mom over.

 

Correction. He takes care of her and she runs his life. That's how most Chinese women work. In other parts of Asia, women are more submissive.

[truncated]

Firstly, I would resist the urge to turn this into a "let the man take control and put his foot down".

 

Secondly, what sort of relationship did you have with your mother? Was it really close? I'm asking because some mothers see the wife as a replacement for her in their son's affection, and will do whatever they can to be passive aggressive about skewering the marriage. My mother in law is like tat, and at first my husband didn't see it, until one day she said something that even he couldn't ignore. He told me that he looked back and realized all the little "seeds" she had carefully planted...seeds of discord.

 

Also, what you grew up with and see as normal may be normal for you, but not for others. This could be what's irking your wife.

 

Your son is you and your wife's, and you both have a right to raise him as you see fit, and expose him to the people you think he should be exposed to.

 

Your wife certainly should not betaking your son out of the country, but before it ever gets to that stage, ask your wife to be totally open and honest about what is causing the friction. Don't assume you know what it is, and be prepared to compromise. This could mean that when your mother visits, you put her up in a nearby hotel so both she and your wife can have their own space. if she doesn't like alcohol being consumed and your wife likes to have a glass of wine, she can't wait until your mo goes back to the hotel at the end of the evening.

 

Keep in mind that it is you and your wife's home, not your mothers, and while her feelings should certainly be taken into consideration, she has no right to expect you both to conform to her way of thinking.

 

Good luck, and I hope you can work it out.

[truncated]

You need to start behaving like a man not a meek boy. Do not let her run your life like this!!!

 

Go talk to a lawyer and understand your legal rights in custody. I do not believe she can take the child without your written consent.

 

Tell her in no uncertain terms that your mom can visit every month as long as she's your money. What kind of wife would refuse the grandparents to see their grandson? If that has to be the way, then her family can't see the grandson either.

 

Tell her that her mom helping out is appreciated but not necessary. Raising children is the responsibility of you and her. So stop whining about it.

 

Please do not do this until you have had a chance to find out exactly why your wife is so irked. She may have some very valid reasons that you may not be aware of for why she doesn't get along with your mother.

[spanz1]

if you are in the united states, I do not think it is possible for her to take the kid to china without your permission. there might be some way for sure to insure that, like reporting her to the customs service as a possible flight risk.

 

 

other than that. it sounds like she is either bat **** crazy, OR there is some sort of Chinese cultural thing that does not make any sense. I do not think, even in China, that a mom comes to stay for 4 months to take care of a new baby.

 

 

and even after her mom went back to china...what is keeping your wife from just watching the kid. why does it have to go into day care? does she have some sort of high powered/high pay job she needs to protect?

[Lurkeraspect]

Please do not do this until you have had a chance to find out exactly why your wife is so irked. She may have some very valid reasons that you may not be aware of for why she doesn't get along with your mother.

 

He stated why she is so irked. She's pissed because the OPs mom wouldn't agree to stay and take care of their baby for 4 months, like her Chinese mom did. She's pissed because she want free daycare, she's pissed because she had to temporarily quit her job. She's pissed because she's unable to manipulate the situation her way.

 

Did no one read the OP?

[Winterina]

Be very careful there to not lose your wife over your mother.

 

 

No normal mother will put her son and his entire life in a situation where his marriage is at stake because of her but will work towards solution even if it means having to twice a month give up the annoying parts of her personality. Your mom does sound selfish in that sense. If she cannot babysit for you for a day or two here and there and is going to bring her old self to your home no matter what it does to you and your wife and ultimately your son then it is not your wife but your mom.

 

 

Yes, even if it means having to babysit longer periods so that her grandson's mother does not have to give up her career and can provide for better future for him...even that is something that a good mother should not have a problem doing. It is a few month of her life and it is not like she is going to be doing it 24/7 just while your wife is at work. If she enjoys spending time with her grandson and loves you she would offer to do it and not wait to be asked. She probably does love you just that she loves herself more.

 

 

There is a good possibility as someone suggested that your mom sees your wife as a replacement for her and is acting out by sending subtle little mean messages your wife's way, something you cannot pick on, especially since you are used to her personality and think that is how things should be.

Fully aware that she is causing trouble, she continues causing trouble instead of compromising for your sake, because "she has friends who like her that way". Please, stop being such a mamma's boy and see her for who she is. Yes, she raised you, that is what moms do but a good mother also knows when to let go and how to be an asset and not an enemy in her son's life. It is not like you are asking her to do godknowswhat, just to not push some buttons and she anyway does.

 

 

What you need to do is man up, but not to your wife but to your mother. If her presence is disturbing your family life and she announced she will not change it is your responsibility to fix things.

 

 

Time comes when mom is no longer the most important woman in your life and she needs to know that as much as your wife needs to know she is the most important one. It is not your wife's job to talk to your mother, it is yours.

 

 

I wonder why is it that you wife thing, perhaps correctly, that you have issues today in your life because of how your mom raised you... was she controlling and dominant?

 

 

Keep your family issues between you and your wife and do not have more intimate relationship with your mum than you have with your wife. It will chase her away and you will end up 40 years old and living with your mummy - like the guy from psycho. Ok, that was a dramatic thing to say but at least she will ruin every next relationship you will have too.

[Winterina]

My wife can’t stand my mother. We had a baby last year and my mother has been visiting every two months to see us and her grandson - she wanted to visit every month, but I limited her to two months to reduce exposure to my wife. Whenever my mom comes, my wife gets very argumentative in the weeks preceding and following the visit. Among other things, she had threatened to divorce me and take my son to stay with her parents in China, where I (an American) would have little chance to ever see him again, which of course terrifies me. (Before we had a child, she always found my mom a little annoying but never threatened divorce over it.) The options I can see are to (1) never let my mother visit, or (2) try to “fix” the problems with my mother’s personality that bother my wife. I have tried to explain these problems to my mother but she said she is not going to try to change her personality to appease my wife when she already has friends who like her the way she is.

 

I don’t think my mother is an evil person - she just has some personality quirks, and I feel that it would be wrong to deprive her of contact with me and my son since she did sacrifice 21 years of her life to raise me. However, my wife thinks that those “quirks” are serious issues, blames my mom's personality for the fact that I have trouble making friends, and thinks I would be better off not talking to her. Some things that my wife has mentioned as bothersome about my mom:

- She sometimes interrupts people, and holds some unpopular opinions that people may not want to hear

- She isn't "fun" - no interesting hobbies, doesn't drink or dance at parties, just sits at home most of the time, her house is in the middle of nowhere because she doesn’t like to be able to see her neighbors

- My wife doesn't feel that my mom cares about her. For example when my parents (they are divorced) came to visit us in the hospital after our son's birth, my dad and his wife seemed more caring about my wife and her condition, while my mother mostly just wanted to see her new grandson. (Like most of my mom's personality issues, I never noticed this, but my wife did.)

- My wife's mother came all the way from China to help take care of our son for the first four months. When she had to leave, my mother was unwilling to do the same. My mother says that is a cultural thing and nobody in my family has done it, so why should she? But my wife and her family cannot understand why she cannot come the 250 miles to help us when my MIL came 6000 miles to a foreign country. And since my wife thought our son should not be put in daycare at only a few months old, since my mother wouldn't take care of him she had to temporarily give up a successful career to stay home.

- My wife and my father get along well, and he has told us some other things about my mother - e.g. that she was mean to her in-laws, and refused to let my father serve alcohol when they have guests over.

 

Has anyone experienced a situation like this and/or can suggest a solution? Thanks so much for reading this far!

 

The only thing that your wife went too far with is asking you not to talk to your mom. If she feels so strongly that even divorce is an option she throws around you need to wake up because your mom does not sound like a nice person to me. She sounds completely narcissistic. Your wife just wanted to be a part of family and accepted and she got something else and has to deal with your moms personality quirks. If you cannot make friends at your age, I am afraid your wife might be right and that you might have a childhood and the way you are raised to blame.

Your mom already was mean to her in-laws. Think!

Moms often start competing with their sons wives for attention and who will be the dominant one.

 

 

Here is something for you to read How to Be a Good Mother-in-Law and Grandmother

 

 

"Grandparents who have carefully cultivated cordial relations will reap the benefits of being trusted family members. Those who have fostered family conflict instead may find themselves helping their grandchildren weather divorce. Even worse, grandparents who promote conflict instead of harmony often find themselves estranged from their grandchildren, which is one of the saddest of situations."

 

 

Your mother is not being a friend to you or your wife here. Your wife is within her rights to be angry and I WISH I could hear her side of the story too... to give some concrete examples of your mom playing with her nerves. Basically she comes to disturb your family life in full knowledge that she is doing it and she is not making the slightest effort to change now that she has been made aware of it.

Good luck.

[BlueIris]

... The options I can see are to (1) never let my mother visit, or (2) try to “fix” the problems with my mother’s personality that bother my wife. I have tried to explain these problems to my mother but she said she is not going to try to change her personality to appease my wife when she already has friends who like her the way she is. ....

 

I think you should tell your mother that when she visits, you expect her to be polite and respectful of your wife. That's what she would do in any other family and household- I'd hope. I can understand her not spending months babysitting her grandchild. That's a cultural issue. But if she is provocative and rude, she's causing unnecessary stress to a young family. I hope you're becoming more attuned to the words and actions that provoke or are rude so that your wife feels validated and respected by you.

Edited June 23, 2015 by BlueIris

[truncated]

He stated why she is so irked. She's pissed because the OPs mom wouldn't agree to stay and take care of their baby for 4 months, like her Chinese mom did. She's pissed because she want free daycare, she's pissed because she had to temporarily quit her job. She's pissed because she's unable to manipulate the situation her way.

 

Did no one read the OP?

 

I certainly did read it, and while he does state some things she mentioned that bug her about his mother, he is still assuming a lot. This is why I am saying he needs to actually sit down with his wife and have a full on discussion about this and find out the full reasons behind why she feels the way she does.

[elaine567]

He stated why she is so irked. She's pissed because the OPs mom wouldn't agree to stay and take care of their baby for 4 months, like her Chinese mom did. She's pissed because she want free daycare, she's pissed because she had to temporarily quit her job. She's pissed because she's unable to manipulate the situation her way.

 

Did no one read the OP?

 

Yes 4 months with Chinese grandparent, 4 months with American grandparent, then perhaps another 4 months Chinese grandparent, then another 4 months American grandparent... etc.

She keeps her job and grandparents provide child care.

 

This is a cultural problem, your wife expected your mother to act in a certain way. She will hate her for putting a spoke into the wheel and is now trying to oust her from the family altogether - MY way or the highway style.

Your mother is not obliged to look after the child as some sort of free child care and she is quite within her rights to visit as she wants too.

 

You need to take control back as the two most important women in your life are at loggerheads and you cannot allow that to happen.

 

You also need to sit down and really talk to your wife here, her threats of divorce and going home may be little to do with your mother in reality. Your mother may be the scapegoat.

She may be feeling all at sea here, new baby, no family support, foreign country and now no job either.

Isolated and feeling alone I guess with a baby she thought would be taken care of mostly by someone else. Some other woman to share the burden. As it is, all the responsibility for the baby's care falls on her. Going home then sounds like the answer to her immediate problems.

Post natal depression needs to be considered too.

[sandylee1]

My culture also entails my mom helping out after having a baby for weeks /months . MIL would also be expected to, but in my case there was a good reason she couldn't. Even where the culture says you should, there are many lazy MILs, however it is not their responsibilityto provide childcare and it should never be expected or assumed that they will.

 

Your mom's hobbies should not be a concern for your wife. If she stays home all day , that's her prerogative.

 

It sounds like your mom is a difficult person TBH. Having the MIL every month would not be good for me either. There's nothing stopping you from taking your son to see your mom though .

 

I get where your wife is coming from about concerns for her in the hospital though. My friend had this and her MIL, just picked up the baby and started talking to my friend about how quickly she lost the baby weight and other such nonsense.

 

I advise you to keep your mom in check, because it doesn't sound like she's being particularly friendly towards your wife. The threat of divorce is OTT though.

 

Does your mom interfere with you guys? Or try and tell your wife what to do?

 

Some issues I can see with and others should not bother your wife. I also think that hate is too strong , unless she's done something really bad to your wife. I can understand irritation but hate isn't good.

 

BTW , regardless of culture , I generally find the woman's family are more helpful and hands on with grandchildren.

[Lokin4AReason]

conflicting issue(s) of the old way(s) and the new

 

there has to be a medium ( at where both side(s) have to give in for compromise, IMO )

[d0nnivain]

Your wife has to get over the lack of free day care and can't tell your mom what to think regarding her unpopular opinions.

 

 

As for the rest of it, if your wife is complaining that your mom doesn't seeming caring toward her, other than providing day care for 4 months what does your wife want her to do? If your wife can be specific, hopefully your mother will be willing to do those things.

 

 

For example, I lived with a guy for 10 years. His family was the type that dropped by unannounced all the time. That drove me up a wall. After months of resentment I finally said I need them to call 1st. I didn't even want to be able to say no they can't come but I did want 10 minutes notice so I wasn't in PJs or something. They started calling so I had some heads up. It was much better.

 

 

Also since your wife isn't thrilled can you give her a break by taking the baby to grandmas for the weekend rather than having grandma come to you?

[autumnnight]

This is simple:

 

Who comes first in your life and is more important to you - your wife or your mother?

[berniev]

This is simple:

 

Who comes first in your life and is more important to you - your wife or your mother?

 

A good relationship enriches your life not cutting off half of your family. There's no need to make that kind of choice. People need to learn to accept and live with each other.

 

Certain things in life can't be compromised; they are called principles. For his wife not allowing the grandma to see the baby is cruel. For her to threaten to take the baby away from the father is cruel to the father and the son. Those are not something one must compromise.

[anika99]

This is simple:

 

Who comes first in your life and is more important to you - your wife or your mother?

 

Beyond a doubt, wife should come first. However one doesn't just bow to their wife's every wish, no matter how unreasonable.

 

 

In this situation, I can't see any reason for the OP's wife to be threatening divorce and taking away his child just because his mom wants to visit. His list of the reasons his wife says she doesn't want to see his mother is trivial and ridiculous. Why would she care if her MIL doesn't drink or stays alone in her house? Why care that she has opinions that other's don't share?

 

 

Unless there is far more to this story, his wife is being overly controlling and unreasonable. This isn't actually about picking between his mother and his wife, it's more about having mutual respect for each other's families and tolerating people for the happiness of our spouse. I have a feeling that if this man banishes his mother from his life solely on the wishes of his wife that she will see him as weak and she will soon be running his entire life.

[castnoshadow]

Thanks everyone for the replies! Lots of opinions on both sides. Some people got a bit hung up on the child care aspect, but that's just one thing on the list, not the catalyst for the conflict or the most important contributing factor.

 

Your wife is within her rights to be angry and I WISH I could hear her side of the story too...

 

I was trying to represent my wife's side as much as possible in my post. Everything I posted was things she told me bothered her. Maybe I didn't do a good job. Here are a few more things that may garner more sympathy for my wife's position - as usual, things I didn't notice at the time:

- One time when my wife was pregnant, we went to a restaurant with my mom and her husband, and shared a few dishes. One of them had a shrimps, and my mom got all the shrimps for me and her husband.

- Another time during the pregnancy, my mom and her husband came and I was going to take her to see my office building and have lunch there. My wife had a prenatal checkup that day; I attended most of these but skipped this one to show them around. My wife was bothered because my mom/her husband didn't offer to drive her to her appointment, which they could have done, so she had to take the subway, and also because they didn't offer her to meet us at my company for lunch afterwards. (This one is also my fault - I sometimes have trouble understanding the needs of others until it's too late.)

- After giving birth, one of the first questions my mom asked her is if she had milk, showing that she had more concern for the baby than my wife.

 

I realize my mom has not been nice on several occasions and I'm not advocating a close relationship with her. I'm just looking for a solution other than completely cutting her off.

 

I wonder why is it that you wife thing, perhaps correctly, that you have issues today in your life because of how your mom raised you... was she controlling and dominant?

I think she was, particularly when I was young. Not as much when I got older.

 

I think you should tell your mother that when she visits, you expect her to be polite and respectful of your wife.

I have, and she is now, but my wife knows that it isn't how my mom is naturally and she is just forced to be nice to have a chance to see our son, so she still doesn't think it makes her deserve to visit.

 

There's nothing stopping you from taking your son to see your mom though .

I think that's the best solution and a reasonable compromise, and I've tried to sell it as a chance for her to have a break and do something without the baby. But by my wife's logic, my mother has not done anything of value for her or for my son, so she doesn't deserve to see him, and doesn't trust her to be alone with him.

 

Does your mom interfere with you guys? Or try and tell your wife what to do?

I don't think so. She used to be a little too nosey about our lives, but I don't share all the information she asks for anymore.

 

Why would she care if her MIL doesn't drink or stays alone in her house? Why care that she has opinions that other's don't share?

She cares because she thinks that contributed to the way I turned out - not being very fun and having difficulty making friends - and wants to spare our son that influence since we obviously don't want him to turn out that way. I agree, but don't see how an occasional visit would cause such an influence to occur.

 

I think, so far, the best solution is to cut my mom off in the short term and then as the child gets older and my wife's memories of her fade, ask my wife to occasionally let me bring him to visit her.

[BlueIris]

It sounds to me as though you are managing your mother and she's evolving. If I were you, I’d explain to my partner that there is only so much that can be done about a family member and you have done all that you think is necessary. Your mom is making progress and learning. However, I do not think it is right or good for anyone to just punish and delete family members and I would not want to set that precedent in my family. Imagine if your child grows up believing that he should simply delete you when you become grandparents. Model maintaining and respecting family bonds while also setting your boundaries.

[loveflower]

This is simple:

 

Who comes first in your life and is more important to you - your wife or your mother?

 

 

I usually agree with this.

 

but OP's mom does come across as uncaring, selfish and annoying. It's all about her able to see grandson but doesn't want any scarify.

[loveflower]

You need to start behaving like a man not a meek boy. Do not let her run your life like this!!!

 

Go talk to a lawyer and understand your legal rights in custody. I do not believe she can take the child without your written consent.

 

Tell her in no uncertain terms that your mom can visit every month as long as she's your money. What kind of wife would refuse the grandparents to see their grandson? If that has to be the way, then her family can't see the grandson either.

 

Tell her that her mom helping out is appreciated but not necessary. Raising children is the responsibility of you and her. So stop whining about it.

Since his mom doesn't have any hobby, why can't she just help out though?

 

when she is so self centre and non family oriented, maybe she doesn't deserve the feel of family?

[Whatitistoburn]

It's a shame that it has to come to him having to choose between the wife and the mother.

 

I'm a wife and I admit to being insecure to my mother in law because though I know that she is not all that perfect, my husband looks at her that way and loves her so much. I love my husband and I won't put him in that situation where he has to pick me or her. Also, no matter how rude or cruel she is, unless she's showing symptoms of psychopathy with murderous intent, I can work with that. At then end of the day, she is my husband's (the love of my life) mother who raised him to be who he is now so she can't be that bad.

 

As for the mom, if she also loves her son, she shouldn't get in the way of his marriage. It is not easy but bein aware of the chaos her presence is causing, she should keep her distance but should still be allowed to visit and see her son and grandson. Her son chose this woman for his wife for a reason. If your dear son loves her, then she can't be that bad

 

Both women should compromise and make it work for you and your family. Forget about the past and move on. They don't have to be friends, don't have to talk but there should be a level of civility between them.

 

I Say stand up for YOURSELF! For what you want. Help them understand the position they are putting you in and that there should be no need for war.

Edited June 25, 2015 by Whatitistoburn