"On-again, off-again" couples. Does it ever work out? (Updated)

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

I can't help but notice a few couples on my Facebook feed who seem to breaking up and getting back together every few weeks. They change their status, then when they change it back to "In a relationship", they make a big show about it.

 

"John Doe and I are back together and this time it's for real. Anyone who has anything bad to say about that can just keep it to themselves. We are in love and we don't care what you think!"

 

I can't help but wonder... do these couples ever work in the long run? Is anyone here in one of these relationships or were you once at this stage and now you're happy and committed with no recent breakups? Does this ever work?

 

Sorry, I'm just curious.

[ameaningfulllife]

Well, I was one of those couples. We were off and on for 15 years. The last 5 years were the hardest. Breaking up every few months. In our case it didnt work out. Its hard because I still love him, but our dynamic is no good. Its hard to finally let go sometimes.

[ravfour4]

Anyone who's posting a status like that is immature and likely loves drama - hard to think a couple like that would work out. If it was a more mature on and off again, maybe....but only depending on why it's on and off again. Is it because one person has traits that really bothers the other? If so, then perhaps if that person finally makes the change, they can work. If they're both immature and unsure of each other, which is far more likely, then it's doubtful that it would work.

[ExpatInItaly]

How old are the people posting status updates like that? It seems quite immature and attention-seeking.

 

And no, it doesn't usually work out. They just refuse to accept that they're not compatible.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

The couple who posts those statuses are 26.

 

Then there's another who met via OLD, one of them moved to live with the other and the problems ensued quickly. They've been together less than a year, and have broken up like four times now.

 

I feel like some people use the "We keep making our way back to each other, so it must be meant to be!" excuse.

[aloneinaz]

In my 5 decades, I don't know many folks who've broken up and reconciled that lasted more than a few months. In all my past relationship that included a breakup, none lasted, including a marriage.

 

 

People break up for reasons. Sometimes a few months pass and one or both get lonely so they try it again. When the "high" or excitement of the reconciliations wears off (usually quickly) all the same issues are there that caused the previous break up and the break up again.

[Bubberfly]

Didn't work out for me and my ex. We were off and on for 6 years and it was flipping exhausting. I just wanted our relationship to "stick." Whether we were together or broken up, I didn't care at that point.

 

We never notified the world via social media (but the fact that one of us was constantly moving out/moving in let people IRL know something was up).

 

Yes, I feel posting about your "status" AGAIN is immature and an attention-seeking ploy. And yes, I think off-and-ons never work out in the long run (in my experience). I get the break up maybe once and then realizing what you did... But how can you not know if you want to be with someone? You either do or you don't.

[Arieswoman]

Unless the couple address the issue(s) that caused the breakup in the first place it won't work IMO.

 

The only example that goes against this was a couple I know who got together very quickly after getting divorced from their previous spouses (neither caused the break-up of their own marriage and they didn't meet until after they divorced).

 

She moved in with him after 6 months and brought her 2 kids. He already had custody of 2 kids. Everything was fine except that his kids couldn't stand her. She moved out after 6 months and moved away for work, but they kept in touch.

He got a promotion and moved away as well. So she moved again and bought the house next to him and they kept seeing each other.

 

Now, 10 years later, all the kids have left home, so they both sold up and bought a house together, and got married.

[TunaCat]

I was in one of those relationships for the past 12 years. He finally called it quits 3 months ago, and while I was heartbroken initially, I now realize that it was the best thing for both of us.

 

I did love him, but I now realize that I only loved him out of convenience. I was the one who ended things 95% of the time. I was absolutely terrified to commit, but I've gone through therapy to deal with that.

 

I loved him as a friend (still do actually) because we've been friends since we were in grade school.

 

So I think it's very rare for things like this to actually work out.

[ColdandLonelyinAK]

It's exhausting to even just read about these people on social media! Lol

 

I have not once asked my ex to come back since he walked out of my life. Not even once. You walk out of my life? There's the door and you're not allowed back.

 

I guess I can understand breaking up once, then getting back together. These couples I'm referring to have literally both broken up at least 4 times each. Maybe it's time to think things through already.

 

It's also just embarrassing to see. People will respond all "Again?!" Then there's the awkward re-adding of mutual friends and family after you had removed them after breakup number who knows. I feel embarrassed for them when I see this, and I have a really hard time taking their relationships seriously.

[aloneinaz]

My last ex and I, who I really loved despite her glaring issues, broke up 3-4 times. She was the one who ended it most of the time. Looking back at that relationship two years later, it's so grossly obvious how dysfunctional and toxic that relationship was.

 

 

I think back to my mindset to have allowed it and simply realize I did due to some self esteem issues, some laziness to not move on quicker to someone else and the HOPE that she'd address her issues that were causing the break ups. The only thing I was able to correct where my self esteem and laziness. I knew then as I know now that people typically don't and can't change. We are the only ones who can do that.

 

 

Having now been in a very healthy relationship for 22 months that has included no significant issues nor break ups, only reinforces how bad that last relationship was.

[d0nnivain]

No, those things don't work. Anybody who posts garbage like that on their FB just loves drama & isn't mature enough to communicate or address the slightest disharmony in a relationship, hence the sick cycle of break up, make up.

[jen1447]

I take a dim view of those relationships (tho it's none of my business). People who break up every day usually do it for pissant reasons, which means they're not very philosophically informed. Major incompatibility issues are good reasons to break up and will likely be permanent, while ordering me a taco instead of a burrito at the drive thru is a stupid reason to break up and shows just how mediocre the players are to begin with.

[frigginlost]

Some do.

 

Some don't.

 

Nobody can say with a definite "No they don't" or "Yes they do".

 

Two broken people who need drama in their life can on again off again just fine and live their type of "happy" lives just fine.

 

One broken person with one stable person in a relationship that is on again off again usually never works out unless the issues are remedied.

 

Two people who are flat out incompatible and keep trying will usually not work out no matter how hard they try.