berniev Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 I am still pondering that I should separate from my wife for a while. What's your experience? What happens after separation? Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 My exH and I had a trial, 3 month separation, after which we both agreed to file for divorce. Best decision for everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author berniev Posted June 23, 2015 Author Share Posted June 23, 2015 My exH and I had a trial, 3 month separation, after which we both agreed to file for divorce. Best decision for everyone. Were there any terms and conditions of separation? Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 Were there any terms and conditions of separation? If you're going to do a trial separation, you should definitely clarify the intent and expectations. If the intent is for you each to build the marriage by exploring whether absence makes the heart grow fonder, be clear about that. If your intent is to get your wife out of the way so you can continue having affairs hassle-free, I think you should ethically divulge your intent so she doesn't remain faithful to the marital contract while you play single. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 Much depends on the purpose of the separation - why are you separating? If you are separating to get away from your spouse and to begin a new life as a single person, then you use the separation to work with your attorney, prepare the divorce papers, look for new furniture and perhaps begin to reenter the dating market. If your end-goal for separating is to let the dust settle and call a cease-fire on arguing in hopes that you can eventually reconcile and save the marriage, then you set some firm boundaries and guidelines on what each person's expectations are and get into MC and work with the counselor on addressing the marital issues. In general, separation can help transition to single life if divorce is the end-goal and objective. If the end goal is to preserve the marriage however, separation can be a detriment and it is typically better to remain in the home together. So it all depends on what the goal is? What is your goal for separation? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 Much depends on the purpose of the separation - why are you separating? If you are separating to get away from your spouse and to begin a new life as a single person, then you use the separation to work with your attorney, prepare the divorce papers, look for new furniture and perhaps begin to reenter the dating market. If your end-goal for separating is to let the dust settle and call a cease-fire on arguing in hopes that you can eventually reconcile and save the marriage, then you set some firm boundaries and guidelines on what each person's expectations are and get into MC and work with the counselor on addressing the marital issues. In general, separation can help transition to single life if divorce is the end-goal and objective. If the end goal is to preserve the marriage however, separation can be a detriment and it is typically better to remain in the home together. So it all depends on what the goal is? What is your goal for separation? And it's wise to specify if we'll be dating/sleeping with other people during the separation. This discussion is conveniently left out of too many separations, to the dismay of one of the partners if a decision to reconcile is eventually made. This is a situation where seeking permission, rather than forgiveness, is appropriate. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author berniev Posted June 23, 2015 Author Share Posted June 23, 2015 (edited) I have no idea about the objective. I am so depressed over this. Passion and intimacy is what I long for. Edited June 24, 2015 by berniev Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted June 24, 2015 Share Posted June 24, 2015 I have no idea about the objective. I am so depressed over this. Passion and intimacy is what I long for. Need a bit more info... Why the thoughts of separating in the first place? What kind of issues are you having? What does your W feel? Link to post Share on other sites
Author berniev Posted June 24, 2015 Author Share Posted June 24, 2015 Need a bit more info... Why the thoughts of separating in the first place? What kind of issues are you having? What does your W feel? The issue was discussed here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/530672-should-i-stay-should-i-leave and http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/532197-why-am-i-still-so-miserable Wife obviously doesn't want to separate. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted June 24, 2015 Share Posted June 24, 2015 I have no idea about the objective. I am so depressed over this. Passion and intimacy is what I long for. So I am assuming this means you will be using the "separation" to get some of this? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author berniev Posted June 24, 2015 Author Share Posted June 24, 2015 So I am assuming this means you will be using the "separation" to get some of this? Yes. Obviously. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted June 24, 2015 Share Posted June 24, 2015 Then you aren't separating. You're just screwing around. Again. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
brandonstellar Posted June 24, 2015 Share Posted June 24, 2015 A lot of married couples loose spark and interest if the two don't understand how to keep the interest there. It's understandable that you want to be able to venture out and see other people. How long have you been with your wife? Seperation or ultimately divorce could be an advantage to both of you if things aren't going well. If you want to be able to effectively mend the relationship or get with other people, I have written a review of a system that allows you to be able to get almost any girl you want OR you can mend your marriage. It's completely up to you, but like I said, I do understand where you're coming from of wanting to explore other possibilities. This system is foolproof and can get you on a very nice start of finding true passion, love, and sex in a relationship. You can check out my review here. Make sure your wife understands the separation and that you want to see other people, because if not she could get hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted June 24, 2015 Share Posted June 24, 2015 Yes. Obviously. In that case, just divorce. Y'all (or you) are just using this separation as some sort of booty hall pass. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted June 24, 2015 Share Posted June 24, 2015 I agree. Just divorce. Why are YOU wanting to separate and what do YOU hope to achieve from it by the end? Is this a separation to work on your relationship or to start the process on separate lives? Link to post Share on other sites
redtail Posted June 24, 2015 Share Posted June 24, 2015 Passion and intimacy is what I long for. I understand, but why put your wife on hold while you go see if you can find those things? Maybe a better idea is to just divorce and let you and your wife find another life? Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 I understand, but why put your wife on hold while you go see if you can find those things? Maybe a better idea is to just divorce and let you and your wife find another life? Absolutely agree. If the separation is to find intimacy with another, then just divorce. That is not accomplishing anything to save the marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 I understand, but why put your wife on hold while you go see if you can find those things? Maybe a better idea is to just divorce and let you and your wife find another life? Absolutely agree. If the separation is to find intimacy with another, then just divorce. That is not accomplishing anything to save the marriage. He already has a mistress. Link to post Share on other sites
truncated Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 Based on everything you have written, I would say that you should divorce your wife. It doesn't sound like you love her very much, if at all, and you just want to "separate" because you like the security of knowing she is there to catch you if and when you fall, while still being able to have a "hall pass" to sleep around. You want something she isn't giving you? Then divorce, as it doesn't sound like you are capable of giving your wife what she needs any more than she is giving you what you want, and you will both be unhappy. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 Yes. Obviously. Ok that's fine. In that case hire an attorney and possibly an accountant. Start drawing up divorce papers. Set your wife down and inform her that you will be moving out soon in preparation of a divorce and that she should also seek legal counsel and to be expecting to be served divorce papers in the near future. Then inform her that you will be moving out and filing for a legal separation during which time you will working forwards divorce and a single life without her. Be upfront that this is part of the transition period towards single life for both of you and that you will be putting yourself back on the single market and will pursue dating others and that she will be welcome to do the same. Then once you get to your new place decide what kind of decor and amenities you want for your new home and go about the business of transitioning towards your post-divorce life. At this point your separation is a positive step towards divorce and part of the transition process towards divorced life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 I'm getting the feeling that you'd prefer a separation over a divorce because you want to keep your wife as Plan B - your back up plan. You want to get out there and get your fill of intimacy and sex, but if you don't get any takers, you want your wife waiting in the wings so you can come back home. Because it's preferable to having no one in your life at all. After all, the devil that you DO know is always better than the one you don't, right? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 He already has a mistress. Wait...what? So you've already GOT a mistress AND a wife/mommy to take care of you? Then why are you complaining? You've already got twice what most men have. I don't get it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 I am still pondering that I should separate from my wife for a while. What's your experience? What happens after separation? What do you WANT to happen? That's the question. If YOU don't know, nobody else will be able to tell you, either. Situations are different. My separation led to divorce quickly. Because I decided it that way. If you're still involved with your GF, and if you want to move out because you want to be with somebody else other than your W, well then the likely outcome is that you will feel relieved to be away from your W. You already feel out of love, you have no passion, there's nothing there on an emotional level that connects you with your wife, and while that's the case in many Ms, few decide to act on that and call it quits, because so much is at stake. You, otoh, are already thinking about separating, and making a plan, which tells me that you're pretty much done. You're not putting anything into your M, and the only thoughts you have are thoughts about how to get out and limiting the damage in the process. What are you waiting for? At this point, do you think your W could do anything to change your mind? What would she have to give you to change your mind? I think nothing that she does will change your way of thinking. You're too far in. And until you try a separation you'll always be on the verge of leaving your M. You'll never find peace. But your original question about what will happen after a separation cannot be answered. I can only guess. And my guess (due to your story) is that D will happen. It's also possible that you fall into a deep depression, because hanging out alone in your new apartment is not as exciting as you thought, and the GF won't be available 24/7, either, so you'll have more alone time than you're actually used to, after so many years of living with somebody, so the whole thing could backfire, and in the meantime your W may start to think that "hey, all the negative energy has suddenly left, there's no more tension around me, I'm kind of enjoying this......" - yes that could happen, too, and you'll be divorced before you know it. Find out for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
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